OF MY CASTING OUT FROM MY FOOL’S PARADISE.
Now on that next day also, which was but just a-dawning when my lord
landed, was I desired to sup at the palace, that so his lordship might
hear from my mouth the true history of all that had passed in his
absence. And my report having been given, and my lord engaged with
Colonel Laborde, I ventured to approach the side of Madam Heliodora,
and seek to engage her in discourse. But I was somewhat amazed to find
that it did not please her to talk of the dangers of the siege, now
happily escaped, nor yet of my lord her father’s victory, but only of
my own life and my early friends, and this did sorely vex me, for, as
I must confess, at this time I loved not over and above to speak of
Ellswether and my father, and of Dorothy not at all. Wherefore, so
soon as I saw the chance on’t, I changed the topic, and hit on that of
dancing, moved thereto by some recollection of my little cousin’s
dancing in our childhood, and did beseech Madam Heliodora to do me the
kindness of explaining the diversities that there are between French
and English dancing. And this she was good enough to do very
particularly, so that I was altogether carried away, as they say, and
presently made so bold as to say that I should be perfectly happy
could I enjoy the honour of standing up in a dance with her ladyship.
When I had said this, I was alarmed at my own presumption, but my lady
only laughed.
“I fear you will be constrained to tarry until you can find some
younger partner, sir,” saith she. “As for me, I am too old to dance.”
“Your pardon, madam,” says I, quickly, “but sure you are pleased to
jest. I make so bold as to think that we should be an excellent good
match. I myself am twenty-six years old, as your ladyship hath perhaps
forgot.”
“Twenty-six!” saith my lady, looking upon me with some trouble in her
eyes, “I had not imagined you could be older than twenty-two or three.
But I am twenty-eight, Mr Carlyon, almost an old woman. I han’t danced
for years, and I don’t desire to do’t again.”
“Madam,” says I, “suffer me to say that the passing years, so envious
to some ladies, do but add to you the gifts they snatch from others.”
I was not a little proud of this compliment, but Madam Heliodora still
gazed upon me sadly, and said naught. Then there come to us my lord,
Colonel Laborde being now departed, and demanded to know the matter of
our serious discourse. Then I, willing to avoid that topic of age,
which had in some way grieved my lady, made answer that her ladyship
and I spake concerning dancing. And upon this my lord, inquiring
whether I could dance, sat down in his great chair, saying--
“I have a mind to see you dance, sir, if it ben’t displeasing to you.
My daughter, will you have the kindness to grant Mr Carlyon your
support in a gavot?”
“Sir,” says Madam Heliodora, hastily, “I entreat you to pardon me, and
you also, Mr Carlyon, and to excuse me from this dance, without you
particularly desire it.”
“I do especially desire it, my daughter,” says he. “Give me your
theorba, and I will play for you, if my fingers han’t altogether lost
their cunning. Do you take your stand there, if you please, Mr
Carlyon.”
I did as he bade me, and he playing a most dainty tune, Madam
Heliodora rose from her seat, and stood facing me. And with so much
dignity and grace did she dance, as that I was ashamed to have put
myself forward to stand up with her. But so sad and serious was her
face the while, that it might have fitted a funeral, and having gone
through the measure in silence, she returned still silent to her
place. And I being unable to win her to resume her usual cheerfulness,
although my lord was very sprightly, and did make me many fine
compliments, I did take my leave early, and returned to my lodging,
marvelling much at the change in my lady’s conditions towards me. And
yet, even then (so foolish is youth!), my own hopes flattered me into
believing that my lady was tired, and would fain have rested herself
and talked with me quietly, and that my twice gainsaying of her
wishes, first in refusing the topics she did choose, and then in
unmannerly pestering her to dance, had caused her to show herself thus
grieved and displeased.
Now the next morning, when I was about going abroad with Mr Marigny,
for to see the late camping-ground of the King of Gulconda’s army, for
they were now, since the return of my lord, gone back to their former
posts at some distance, we met with his lordship, who was about
embarking in his barge for to row round the harbour and see what
damage might have been done by the shots of the Dutch. He bade me come
with him, and leave Mr Marigny find some other companion, and so I
did, being sensible of the honour showed me, to be alone with my lord,
save only for his Indian rowers, that spake no tongue of Europe. I
wondered much whether my lord desired to speak with me that he carried
me thus with him, but he said nothing of any moment until we were out
in the harbour, and well beyond the reach of prying persons. Then he
looked upon me in that way he had, that seemed to see everything
without any striving thereto, and “Mr Carlyon,” says he, “I am
infinitely obliged to you for your care of my daughter in my absence.”
“My lord,” says I, “such little service as I could render to her
ladyship was in itself a pleasure.”
“Perhaps,” said my lord, “you might be content to render that pleasure
a lasting one, sir, by taking service with our Company in the stead of
your own?”
“My lord,” says I, mighty astonished, “I han’t never yet thought of
taking such a step.”
There came a look of some impatience upon my lord’s face on his
hearing this, and I remembered his words said to me in his closet,
before he started on his late adventure, and wondered whether they
were meant to move me to this step. But I saying no more, he went on--
“I must needs be surprised, sir (though I should not be so, knowing
your mild and forgiving constitution), to hear that you purpose to
pass over the unkind treatment you have received at the hands of the
President at Surat, and invite him to take you again into the service.
Have you forgot that you lie under a suspicion of undeserved disgrace,
and that your name is already removed from your Company’s books? Pray,
why should you not join yourself to us, and engage your excellent
parts and conditions in a service where they will be deservedly
prized?”
To this I made little answer, being so much confused in my mind as to
what I should say, wherefore his lordship continued.
“You have already seen, sir, how the Dutch are put to flight, and the
Moors forced to keep at a distance from our walls. When help reaches
us from France, as sure it must before many months are over, we shall
destroy our enemies with a great blow. And that accomplished, I don’t
purpose to waste my life in trading, as do you English, but to lay the
foundations of a great empire for his majesty. For traffic, as I fear,
I have small talent, but heaven hath granted me some little skill in
statecraft, and here there is provided a field the most advantageous
for such powers, in the dissensions and jealousies of the Mogul
emperor and his princes. If heaven continue to vouchsafe me the aid it
has afforded hitherto, I look to make myself a power by an alliance
with the King of Gulconda, helping him to conquer the kings lying
around him. This should easily be accomplished during the present
absence of the Dutch, and I shall write myself down a fool if on their
return they don’t find the whole coast closed to ’em. And this
assured, I would first use a portion of my reinforcements to
strengthen our factories at Surat and Mechlapatan, and taking the rest
with me, would then proceed to visit the court of Seva Gi, for to
confirm our league with him. This being done, I would use my efforts
to reconcile him with the King of Gulconda, I myself acting both as
the means and the bond of this alliance, and see you there! I have
power across the whole of Duccan, and far into the Mogul’s dominions
to the north. The emperor must reckon with me then, and I think that
even Auren Zeeb himself would pause before attempting war against such
a confederacy. Then I have the situation in my hands. How does this
plan strike you, sir?”
“It seems a very bold and splendid scheme, my lord,” said I.
“Yet to accomplish it,” says my lord, “I must needs secure myself from
the jealous interference of those in France, that consider they know
more of Indian matters than I, who am in the Indies. As you may have
perceived, sir, some of my officers are badly affected towards me, and
seek every pretext to write calumnies against me to the minister. I
can say truly that I don’t fear their machinations so long as I am
acquainted with ’em beforehand, and yet it an’t consistent with my
quality, nor with the high dignity that his majesty hath conferred
upon me, to mingle with these persons and find out their intentions
for myself. I need some person in my following that will be one of ’em
and yet a faithful friend to me. Once” (and he looked at me) “I
thought that I had found such an one, but now I fear that fortune was
but deluding me once more. Is such a situation as this beneath your
expectations and your hopes, Mr Carlyon?”
“Indeed, my lord, ’tis so high above ’em that I can’t at present think
on’t calmly,” said I.
“You would gain,” says he, “experience and wisdom, and much honour
withal. Wealth likewise, but I won’t injure you by supposing that that
could move you. And there are other rewards, greater, such as one
names not in words, but which await the trusted helper,” here he
looked me again full in the face, so that my eyes fell before his.
“Come, sir,” saith he, mighty encouraging, “can you hesitate? You gain
so much in joining yourself to us, and lose so little, merely a king
that can’t provide a place for you, though your father spent all he
had in his service, and a desk and many years of weary work in the
Surat Factory.”
“Ay, my lord,” says I, “and much beside.”
“Pooh, pooh!” says my lord sharply, “you are too nice and too
calculating, sir. What is there that renders your services at Surat so
valuable that they would be missed should you accept of my offer?”
“My lord,” says I, “the meanest Englishman hath three things to
consider--viz., his honour, his soul, and his body--whereof the last
is precious to his friends, the second to God, and the first to
himself. Under your lordship’s leave, I believe that I should put in
jeopardy all three of these, did I accept of your most obliging offer,
and I must therefore ask humbly to be allowed to decline it.”
“Now, by my faith!” cried his lordship, “will you talk of your body in
the same breath with your honour, sir? You do yourself wrong, Mr
Carlyon, by these barbarous notions. Come, think over my proposition.
I will give you fifteen days for’t. Until then we will say nothing,
but I hope to find you then less blind to your own advantage. You must
perceive how highly I esteem you, by my daughter’s admitting you so
continually to her saloon. Is it possible that after a sojourn of some
weeks at St Thomas, you can look forward to return with contentment to
your life at Surat? There is, as I understand, no ladies there whose
company you may enjoy as you have done that of my family.”
“Indeed, my lord,” said I, imagining to myself the pain I should feel
on quitting the vicinage of Madam Heliodora, and shuddering at the
very thought, “’twould be a new expulsion from Paradise.”
“So I had divined,” says he, “and therefore counselled you to remain
with us. When you have duly considered of the matter, I have little
fear but you will follow my advice. But take counsel with your pillow,
ponder for a fortnight what I have said to you, and then we will speak
again upon this topic.”
Now by this time we were returned to the landing-place, and my lord
signifying that he desired me still to attend him, I did accompany him
to the palace, and being there dismissed by his lordship, took
occasion to go to the chamber where I had lain during his absence, for
to seek one of my lace-bands[97] that I had left there. And finding
it, I was about returning to my lodging at Mr Marigny’s, when I come
again upon his lordship, looking over a part of the palace which wan’t
then used, being too large for his family, but so complete and so shut
off as to be almost a separate palace in itself. And my lord seeing
me, would have me go over these buildings with him, and showed himself
most gracious towards me, and was pleased to tell me his plans for the
ornamenting and furnishing this place when it should be needed. And
when all was seen and done, and I departing, he saith on a sudden--
“When my daughter marries she will dwell here beside me, and so shall
I have her almost in my own house still.”
Now this word of his lordship’s filled me with thought, and sent me
home very busy. For you will smile to hear that until now I had never
so much as dreamed of espousing Madam Heliodora, although I knew and
had assured myself that I loved her. It had seemed to me a sufficiency
of bliss to behold her every day, as I now did, and to enjoy her sweet
company and wise discourse. Nay, now that the thought was presented to
my mind, it seemed to me a kind of sacrilege to imagine that so divine
a creature was to be wooed and wedded like any other woman, since she
seemed to be set far above all such common ways, like the fabled
goddess Minerva of the ancients, or our own Qu. Elizabeth, of glorious
memory. And by reason of this new thought I went about all day heavy
and, as it were, guilty in my own esteem. But this did not continue
long, for growing used to the notion, I reasoned with myself that
since her ladyship refused not to condescend to the joys and sorrows
of common mortals, why should she not espouse me as soon as any other?
And though this argument filled me at first with a great trembling and
fear, by reason of my own presumption, yet I soon accustomed myself
thereto, and even dwelt upon it with great delight. And in this frame
of mind I abode for several days, seeing Madam Heliodora as before,
only in the evening, when I found myself so timid and bashful as
scarce to be able to utter a word in her ladyship’s presence, and on
leaving did always curse myself for my folly in daring to suppose that
she could ever deign to smile upon me. And as though I wan’t enough
troubled already, a chance word of my lady’s brought back to my mind
that which in this sweet madness I had clean forgot, yea, and had been
fain to forget longer--viz., that I was betrothed already to my little
cousin Dorothy Brandon, and that both she and my father would look for
me to fulfil my contract with her.
Now this for some time filled me with such heaviness that I knew not
what to do, finding myself as it were stranded between inclination on
the one hand and honour on the other. And being thus situated, I did
as men are wont to do in such a case, that is to say, I stood wavering
between the two difficulties. For I could not altogether resolve to
adopt my lord’s offer and enter the French service, cutting myself off
entirely from my own country, and designing never to see my father’s
face again, lest he should reproach me, and yet I could not make up my
mind to retire immediately to Maderas and return to my duty. And while
in this pother, that ingenious sophistry, wherewith the devil is wont
to bewilder our minds in such cases of temptation, came to the aid of
my own inclination. For (so said the tempter to me), your cousin is
yet very young, and may reasonably look for a far better settlement
than you can offer her. Moreover, she hath not seen you for many
years, and her childish fancy for you can’t fail by now to have faded
away, while as for any more enduring affection for you that might
replace it, how can it have sprung up in your absence? Nay, how do you
know that she han’t already fallen in with some gentleman to whom her
wishes might incline, were it not for her engagement with you? An’t
this more probable, and will you force her to sacrifice her love and
herself to a contract made by your father when you were both infants?
Thus spake the voice of my own desires, and so prone are we to erect
our unruly fancies into virtues, that I waxed exceeding hot and
wrathful when I considered the case of the luckless damsel thus bound
unwillingly to me, and felt that ’twould be to wrong her grievously
did I lack the courage to break the chain that held us. Nor was this
all, for it seemed to me that I had also in my keeping the happiness
of Madam Heliodora, which I must certainly ruin if I should leave her
for to carry out my contract with Dorothy. And thus did I, poor
foolish coxcomb! labour to excuse myself and bring salve to my
conscience, weighing and judging these matters in my mind as though
the lives of all around me had hung upon my nod, and they themselves
should be fortunate or miserable according as my high will and
pleasure should decree. Never once did I consider that in all this I
was wronging not only my poor cousin, whose faithful heart had never
turned from me to any other, but also that noble lady, who, if she had
loved me even as I hoped, would nevertheless have sacrificed herself
and me, without relenting, to the duty that bound me.
Reasoning with myself then in this wise, I did put off from day to day
the deciding concerning my lord marquis his offer, considering always
that I would make up my mind to-morrow, until it so happened that my
resolve was fixed without my intending it by a certain word of my
lord’s. For coming one day into his lordship’s closet, whither he had
sent for me to attend upon him, I found with him Father Simon, his
chaplain. And they being busied in discourse, when first I tapped upon
the door they did not heed me, and I heard Father Simon say--
“Hath your lordship considered that by your schemes you may be
endangering the happiness of my lady your daughter?”
To whom his lordship answered coolly enough--
“My daughter is able to take good care of herself and her happiness,
father, I thank you,” and I then knocking the second time, he bid me
enter. But I was much exercised in my mind concerning that I had
heard, wondering whether his lordship was so secure of Madam
Heliodora’s indifferency towards me that he believed he might safely
lure me on by hopes of winning her, such as she would refuse to see
realised. But (thought I), if this be my lord’s mind, I know more
touching the matter than he, for all his reading of faces, for he, it
is evident, han’t observed those delicious tokens of tears and blushes
and the like, that have revealed to me my lady’s heart. And thus I was
now moved also with the desire to approve myself wiser in reading
thoughts than my lord, with all his statecraft, and this, coming with
all those other considerations I have mentioned, brought me to decide
that at the end of the fortnight, which was now near at hand, I would
accept of my lord’s offer.
Looking back now on that time, I can’t conceive how my presumption and
folly should ever have blinded me to such a degree; but so secure and
confident was I, that I writ after this a letter to my father, hinting
not obscurely at my hopes and expectations, and yet not in so many
words breaking off my contract with Dorothy, but leaving her rather to
judge by implication that it was at an end. And this letter, which
they could not, as I knew, misinterpret, I sent by a messenger that my
lord was about despatching to Maderas, whence it might be sent to
England. And having thus, as I conceived, eased my conscience by
declaring my intentions of that I was about to do, I waited, in much
excitement and perturbation of mind, for the fortnight to end. And
though this space of time seemed prodigiously slow in passing, yet it
came to an end at last, and on its final night I went to bed so
oppressed with the thoughts of my coming glory and happiness as that I
could scarce compose myself to sleep.
Now on this night it was that there come to me a most strange dream or
apparition, the particulars whereof (lest any should gainsay ’em), I
did set down in writing at the time, and do now record for the
examination and explication of wiser men than I. For as I tossed and
tumbled upon my bed, in a state betwixt sleeping and waking, I saw in
the chamber my little cousin Dorothy, grown into a tall and goodly
woman, and wearing a white wrapping-gown and a cap guarded with bone
lace, her countenance bearing an air of extreme concern. At whose
appearing I did experience at the first a feeling of much comfort, but
was immediately seized with a fit of great trembling, remembering the
treachery and dishonour that I had meditated against her. And she did
stretch forth both her hands to me, as one entreating, but spake no
word. To whom I, repenting of my shameful intention, did call with a
lamentable voice, saying--
“Help me, good cousin, if indeed it be you, for I am in a grievous
strait.”
And she, with an air of great seriousness, cried sharply unto me--
“Be true, Cousin Ned; oh, be true!” and forthwith vanished.
Then I, awaking fully, turned the matter over in my mind, and did
consider much with myself, wondering at the Providence that had thus
sent the shape of my cousin Dorothy to warn me, when I was on the
point of forsaking my duty and choosing the path of dishonour.
Nevertheless, my inclination still dragged me towards the accepting my
lord’s offer, and I was prodigious sad and unhappy in the morning, so
that even Mr Marigny observed my heaviness as we sat at breakfast, and
asked of me whether the beautiful Heliodora had showed herself cruel
towards me last night. Now at this, added to my former passion, I was
seized with such a transport of rage as that I could have killed Mr
Marigny for this question, but he, perceiving my disorder with
astonishment, made haste to apologise very handsomely, and so the
matter dropped.
After breakfast there come a messenger from my lord, bidding me attend
him in his closet, and I went thither with a heavy heart. And you may
well conceive that it wan’t by any means easy to me, being already so
confused and unhappy in my mind, to explain to my lord that my duty to
my employers and to my father would not allow me to accept his
proposition. Of the matter concerning Dorothy I said naught, for my
lord had not once spoke plainly touching my regard for Madam
Heliodora, but only hinted thereat, and I was well content that her
name should not be mentioned between us. But I could scarce succeed in
persuading my lord, who had judged me certain to accept of his offer,
and the more I bungled in my reasonings, the more he involved me in
fresh tricks of speech, with such artful putting of questions and
imputing of motives, as brought me nearly to despair, so that I
resigned one by one all my reasons, yet still clung feebly to my
resolve, which his lordship perceiving was displeased.
“I have counselled you for your good, sir,” saith he at last, in some
heat, “but you show yourself mighty slow to profit by my advice. Let
us see whether a few minutes’ discourse with the ladies will work more
effect.”
And without more ado he led me to the door of Madam Heliodora’s
withdrawing-room, where he left me, signifying that he should look for
my return in an hour, and desiring for me a better mind. Now this was
for me the worst prospect of all, that in saving my honour (though now
almost too late), and in keeping faith with my masters I must attack
and maybe wreck my lady’s happiness. Likewise I feared that even yet,
not knowing what was on foot, she might by her sweet discourse and her
incomparable graciousness break down my resolution, so that it was in
much turmoil of spirit that I did enter that enchanted chamber of
hers, as Tancred might have approached the bower of Armida. It being
yet so early, the ladies were both only breaking their fast, my lady’s
blackamoor page waiting upon them with _jacolatt_ and a _sorbet_,[98]
which is a cooling drink made by the Moors from divers fruits and
herbs, very comforting in these climates. My lady was fully dressed,
though without powder or ornaments, but Mad. de Chesnac was still in
her wrapping-gown of painted calicut,[99] with her hair drawn up
under a morning cap.
“Ah, Mr Carlyon,” she cried, seeing me, “you are early to-day, and you
find me still in my undress. It rejoices me to see you, for this
morning time is the most wearisome imaginable. Pray bid the boy remove
these dishes, and let us fall to talking in a sprightly and ingenious
manner, as if we were in France.”
I made shift to do as she bid me; but whether it were that my trouble
of mind withheld me from discoursing ingeniously I don’t know, but
Mad. de Chesnac waxed very drowsy, and presently slept altogether.
Then my lady, after waiting for a moment to try whether she would
awake, arose from her seat and stepped out upon the great gallery
(such as is called by the Indians, and after them by the Portugals,
_veranda_), which looketh over the sea, and is hung about with roses,
mighty pretty, and signed to me to follow her, the which I did.
Ah! what a moment was that, wherein we looked out upon the marble
walls of the city and the sea beyond, that was of a deep azure colour,
and glistering in the sunlight. Even at this distant space of time, I
have but to close my eyes to see Madam Heliodora standing there among
the roses, in her rich array, with her feathered fan in her hand,
while I, poor fool! leaned upon the rail beside her, ready to kiss the
very blossoms that had but touched her cheek. She stood looking over
the sea, then, upon a sudden turning to me, she saith--
“You seem to-day to be in some disorder, sir.”
“Truly, madam,” said I, mighty flustered by her condescension, “your
ladyship judgeth aright. I am in sore disquiet by reason of a most
strange dream that did visit me in the night. May I inquire whether
you be one of those that attach credence to such things?”
“Assuredly,” quoth she, “for han’t the holy saints often been
instructed in this manner, and likewise many unbelievers converted?
Pray, sir,” and I saw an anxious shade upon her face, “be so good as
tell me your dream.”
I obeyed, marvelling greatly to see the heaviness pass out of my
lady’s face as I spake, until, on my reaching the end, she turned upon
me, saying--
“And wan’t there some need of the warning, sir?”
“Madam!” cried I, in grievous astonishment and heat; but my lady had
turned from me again, and was looking over the sea.
“Sir,” saith she, in a strange voice, “I pray you don’t take offence
that I cast aside for a moment the restraints belonging to my sex and
quality, and speak to you for your good. Forget for the instant that
it is Heliodore de Tourvel that speaks, and think only that ’tis one
that is solicitous for your best interests.”
“Madam,” says I, “I’ll endeavour myself to profit by any counsel you
may be good enough to give me.”
“Sir,” saith Madam Heliodora, “you are very young, and in youth one is
often carried away by one’s sensibilities. Now my father an’t young
any longer, and, moreover, he is a statesman, and ’tis the wont of
statesmen to make use of the sensibilities of others for to further
their own plans. Tell me,” and again she turned upon me, “han’t he
endeavoured, through your sensibilities, to make you false to your
country and your faith?”
“Not my faith, madam!” I cried, in great indignation. “For the sake of
that I have lain in the dungeons of the Inquisition, and doth your
ladyship think I am like to forsake it for reward?”
“Ah, bah! that will come after,” quoth my lady, spreading forth her
white hands with a gesture as of disgust; “he can afford to wait. To
your country and your employers, then, sir. What say you to that?”
“Madam,” said I, growing red, “my employers have suspected me
unjustly, and now they have took my name off their books, and esteem
me dead.”
“And is that any reason that you should prove their suspicion not
unjust?” cries she hotly. “Go back to your employers, sir, confess
your fault in lingering here, and explain your action in the other
matters wherein they have disapproved of your carriage towards ’em,
and so set yourself right in their eyes.”
“Madam,” I stammered, “you ask a great matter;” for indeed, since I
had been in her presence again, I had wavered in my intentions of
departing, as my lord had foreseen I should do.
“I don’t ask it--I command it,” and she stamped her foot. “What! the
reward of dishonour is then too great to be refused?”
“My lord marquis knows, madam, that no reward but the greatest could
avail in this matter,” quoth I boldly, looking at her the while in a
way she might not mistake.
She drew herself up mighty proudly, and for one instant there was a
smile as of disdain upon her lips, the next she saith slowly--
“Alas, my poor friend! I fear that you have deceived yourself very
grievously. It is now three years that I am betrothed to my father’s
cousin, the Viscount Eugene de Galampré.”
“Madam!” I cried, too heavily stricken at first to say more, but
presently recovering myself a little, “perchance my lord marquis hath
it in his mind to break off the match.”
“Not with my consent!” she cried quickly, and I saw all my folly. I
knew that the lady that I worshipped loved me not a whit, for that all
her heart was given to this Frenchman. All those signs of love, which
I, in my blind foolishness, had interpreted for myself, were caused by
the thought of him! I bowed my head on the railing with a groan,
feeling verily that now I had lost all.
“Hush, sir!” cried Madam Heliodora; “will you ruin yourself and me
both? Dry these unmanly tears, and tell me, what have you ever seen in
Heliodore de Tourvel that should make you think that she would consent
to be used as a bribe to repay a dishonourable action?”
“Alas, madam!” I cried, “you see me humbled to the very dust at your
feet. Sure death is the only remedy for misery so great as mine.”
“Rise, sir,” says she angrily, “and let me hear no more of such
heathen foolishness. Are you prepared for death, you that have
meditated such treason not only against your employers, but also
against that unhappy lady in England, your cousin?”
I obeyed her, ashamed that I should deserve and receive such rebuke
from a Papist, and at that same moment there come back to my mind that
wise saying of Dr Thomas Browne, to the effect that _Suicide is not so
much to fear death as to be afraid of life. When to live is more
terrible than death, then is it the truest valour to dare to live_;
but I groaned again to remember how often my cousin Dorothy and I had
read those words together, and also to think how much more terrible
life would now be to me than death, though surely this should not have
been so, seeing I was assured of my lady’s continued happiness.
“Sir,” says Madam Heliodora, “you have yet much to live for. Humble
yourself to your employers, as I have already recommended to you, and
then, if your cousin be still willing to espouse you, make to her the
best amends in your power for your faithlessness.”
“Madam,” I replied, “I will obey you so far as in me lies; but this
thing I can’t do. The man that hath once lived in the hope (vain and
foolish though it were), to be beloved by you, can never bend his
thoughts towards any other. Were Mrs Dorothy Brandon possessed of
every perfection under heaven, I could not bring myself to wed
her--yea, though she herself besought me on her bended knees.”
Alas, what fools are we! I can now scarce bring myself to write down
these shameful words, knowing, as I do, of the day wherein these my
vauntings lay upon me as heavy as lead, so that they were like to drag
me down into despair, and when, for one kind word from the dear lady
whose love I thus slighted, I had willingly died.
“Be silent, sir!” cried Madam Heliodora in extreme heat. “Such words
don’t befit either yourself or Mrs Brandon. If I know her aright from
all you have told me, you are far more like to sue in vain for her
favour than she for yours. You are a mean-spirited craven, sir, to
speak thus to me touching one of my own sex.”
“Madam, forgive me,” I entreated. “I am sore disquieted, and I ask
your pardon if my words wan’t seemly, though I must remain fixed in
their spirit. What does your ladyship desire me to do?”
“You must leave this city at once, sir, which hath been, indeed, your
Capua,” says my lady, in a voice of displeasure, “and do as I have
recommended you. If your name should ever again come to my ears, I
trust to hear of you as an honourable gentleman, and married to the
excellent lady whose happiness is in your keeping.”
“Give me some slight token, madam,” I entreated, “that I may know that
I an’t for ever disgraced in your sight.”
“Nay, truly!” she cried; then, checking herself, “you may chance to
meet the Viscount de Galampré on your travels, sir, for he was sent
from our Factory of Surat on a mission for his majesty to the emperor
and the Moratty king. He is of the religion, a _Hugonot_, like
yourself, wherefore you should agree. Convey to him my loving
commendations. You understand me?”
“Madam, I will obey you,” said I, and laden with this message of kind
cruelty, departed.