against his will. Let me recite one case out of a hundred that has
happened to myself. About three months ago a family arrived here--
they were from Hoboken--everybody knows how beautiful the Jersey
girls are--with the exception of applejack, they are the nicest
things Jersey produces. Well, this family consisted of four
daughters, a mother and two grandmothers, one with teeth, the other
without. I took a fancy to the youngest of the girls, and proposed.
After considerable reflection she said: 'I can't think of marrying
you without you marry my three sisters as well.'
"After some considerable hesitation I agreed, and went to the girl's
mother for her consent: 'No objection to your marrying my four girls,
but you'll have to take me as well.' After a little reflection, I
consented, and went to the two grandmothers for their consent:--'No
objection,' said the old dames in a breath, 'but you'll have to marry
us as well. We cannot think of separating the family.' After a
little cosy hesitation on my part, I finally agreed to swallow the
two old venerable antiquities as a sort of sauce to the other five."
Under these circumstances, who can wonder at Brigham Young being the
most highly married man in the Republic? In a word, he is too much
married--indeed, if I were he, I should say two hundred and too much
married.
As I see my esteemed friend Joe Whitton, of Niblo's Garden, sitting
right before me, I will give him an anecdote which he will
appreciate. There is considerable barter in Salt Lake City--horses
and cows are good for hundred-dollar greenbacks, while pigs, dogs,
cats, babies, and pickaxes are the fractional currency. I dare say
my friend Joe Whitton would be as much astonished as I was after my
first lecture. Seeing a splendid house I naturally began to reckon
my spondulics. Full of this Pactolean vision, I went into my
treasurer's room.
"Now, Hingston, my boy, let us see what the proceeds are! We shall
soon make a fortune at this rate."
Hingston with the solemnity of a cashier, then read the proceeds of
the lecture:
"Three cows, one with horns, and two without, but not a stumptail;
fourteen pigs, alive and grunting; seventeen hams, sugar cured; three
babies in arms, two of them cutting their teeth, and the other
sickening with the chicken-coop, or some such disease." There were
no end of old hats, ladies' hoops, corsets, and another article of
clothing, generally stolen from the husband. There was also a
secondhand coffin, three barrels of turnips, and a peck of coals;
there was likewise a footless pair of stockings without the legs, and
a pair of embroidered gaiters, a little worn. If I could find the
legs belonging to them--well, I won't say what I'd do now--but leave
all ladies in that pleasing state of expectation which is true
happiness. Ladies and gentlemen, my lecture is done--if you refuse
to leave the hall, you'll be forcibly ejected.