Ver.03.09.01*END*[Portions of this header are copyright (C) 2001 by Michael Hart]
This etext was produced by anonymous Project Gutenberg Volunteers
The Project Gutenberg Etext of The Complete Works of
Artemus Ward (Charles Farrar Browne) Part 7
THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ARTEMUS WARD, PART 7, MISCELLANEOUS
(CHARLES FARRAR BROWNE)
With a biographical sketch by Melville D. Landon, "Eli Perkins"
CONTENTS.
PART VII.
Miscellaneous.
7.1. The Cruise of the Polly Ann.
7.2. Artemus Ward's Autobiography.
7.3. The Serenade.
7.4. O'Bourcy's "Arrah-na-Pogue."
7.5. Artemus Ward among the Fenians.
7.6. Artemus Ward in Washington.
7.7. Scenes Outside the Fair Grounds.
7.8. The Wife.
7.9. A Juvenile Composition On the Elephant.
7.10. A Poem by the Same.
7.11. East Side Theatricals.
7.12. Soliloquy of a Low Thief.
7.13. The Negro Question.
7.14. Artemus Ward on Health.
7.15. A Fragment.
7.16. Brigham Young's Wives.
7.17. A. Ward's First Umbrella.
7.18. An Affecting Poem.
7.19. Mormon Bill of Fare.
7.20. "The Babes in the Wood."
7.21. Mr. Ward Attends a Graffick (Soiree.)
7.22. A. Ward Among the Mormons.--Reported by Himself--or Somebody Else.
PART VII. MISCELLANEOUS.
7.1. THE CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN.
In overhaulin one of my old trunks the tother day, I found the
follerin jernal of a vyge on the starnch canawl bote, Polly Ann,
which happened to the subscriber when I was a young man (in the
Brite Lexington of yooth, when thar aint no sich word as fale) on
the Wabash Canawl:
Monday, 2 P.M.--Got under wa. Hosses not remarkable frisky at fust.
Had to bild fires under 'em before they'd start. Started at larst
very suddent, causin the bote for to lurch vilently and knockin me
orf from my pins. (Sailor frase.) Sevral passenjers on bored.
Parst threw deliteful country. Honest farmers was to work sowin
korn, and other projuce in the fields. Surblime scenery. Large
red-heded gal reclinin on the banks of the Canawl, bathin her feet.
Turned in at 15 minits parst eleving.
Toosdy.--Riz at 5 and went up on the poop deck. Took a grown
person's dose of licker with a member of the Injianny legislater,
which he urbanely insisted on allowin me to pay for. Bote tearin
threu the briny waters at the rate of 2 Nots a hour, when the boy
on the leadin hoss shoutid--
"Sale hoe!"
"Whar away?" hollered the capting, clearin his glass (a empty black
bottle, with the bottom knockt out) and bringing it to his Eagle
eye.
"Bout four rods to the starbud," screamed the boy.
"Jes so," screeched the capting. "What wessel's that air?"
"Kickin Warier of Terry Hawt, and be darned to you!"
"I, I, Sir!" hollered our capting. "Reef your arft hoss, splice
your main jib-boom, and hail your chamber-maid! What's up in Terry
Hawt?"
"You know Bill Spikes?" said the capting of the Warier.
"Wall, I reckin. He can eat more fride pork nor any man of his heft
on the Wabash. He's a ornament to his sex!"
"Wall," continued the capting of the Kickin Warier. "Wilyim got a
little owly the tother day, and got to prancin around town on that
old white mare of his'n, and bein in a playful mood, he rid up in
front of the Court 'us whar old Judge Perkins was a holdin Court,
and let drive his rifle at him. The bullet didn't hit the Judge at
all; it only jes whizzed parst his left ear, lodgin in the wall
behind him; but what d'ye spose the old despot did? Why, he
actooally fined Bill ten dollars for contempt of Court! What do
you think of that?" axed the capting of the Warier, as he parst a
long black bottle over to our capting.
"The country is indeed in danger!" said our capting, raisin the
bottle to his lips. The wessels parted. No other incidents that
day. Retired to my chased couch at 5 minits parst 10.
Wensdy.--Riz arly. Wind blowin N.W.E. Hevy sea on, and ship rollin
wildly in consekents of pepper-corns havin been fastened to the
forrerd hoss's tale. "Heave two!" roared the capting to the man at
the rudder, as the Polly giv a friteful toss. I was sick, an sorry
I'd cum. "Heave two!" repeated the capting. I went below. "Heave
two!" I hearn him holler agin, and stickin my hed out of the cabin
winder, I HEV.
The hosses became docile eventually, and I felt better. The sun
bust out in all his splender, disregardless of expense, and lovely
Natur put in her best licks. We parst the beautiful village of
Limy, which lookt sweet indeed, with its neat white cottages,
Institoots of learnin and other evijences of civillizashun,
incloodin a party of bald heded cullered men was playing 3 card
monty on the stoop of the Red Eagle tavern. All, all was food for
my 2 poetic sole. I went below to breakfast, but vittles had lost
their charms. "Take sum of this," said the Capting, shovin a bottle
tords my plate. "It's whisky. A few quarts allers sets me right
when my stummick gits out of order. It's a excellent tonic!" I
declined the seductive flooid.
Thursdy.--Didn't rest well last night on account of a uprore made by
the capting, who stopt the Bote to go ashore and smash in the
windows of a grosery. He was brought back in about a hour, with his
hed dun up in a red handkercher, his eyes bein swelled up orful, and
his nose very much out of jint. He was bro't aboard on a shutter by
his crue, and deposited on the cabin floor, the passenjers all risin
up in their births pushing the red curtains aside & lookin out to
see what the matter was. "Why do you allow your pashuns to run away
with you in this onseemly stile, my misgided frend?" said a sollum
lookin man in a red flannel nite-cap. "Why do you sink yourself to
the Beasts of the field?"
"Wall, the fack is," said the capting, risin hisself on the shutter,
"I've bin a little prejoodiced agin that grosery for some. But I
made it lively for the boys, deacon! Bet yer life!" He larfed a
short, wild larf, and called for his jug. Sippin a few pints, he
smiled gently upon the passengers, sed, "Bless you! Bless you!" and
fell into a sweet sleep.
Eventually we reached our jerny's end. This was in the days of Old
Long Sign, be4 the iron hoss was foaled. This was be4 steembotes
was goin round bustin their bilers & sendin peple higher nor a kite.
Them was happy days, when people was intelligent & wax figgers &
livin wild beests wasn't scoffed at.
"O dase of me boyhood
I'm dreamin on ye now!"
(Poeckry.)
A.W.
7.2. ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
New York, near Fifth Avenoo Hotel, Org. 31ct.
EDITER OF PLAY BILL.
Dr Sir,--Yrs, into which you ask me to send you sum leadin incidents
in my life so you can write my Bogfry for the papers, cum dooly to
hand. I hav no doubt that a article onto my life, grammattycally
jerked and properly punktooated, would be a addition to the chois
literatoor of the day.
To the youth of Ameriky it would be vallyble as showin how high a
pinnykle of fame a man can reach who commenst his career with a
small canvas tent and a pea-green ox, which he rubbed it off while
scrachin hisself agin the center pole, causin in Rahway, N.Y., a
discriminatin mob to say humbugs would not go down in their village.
The ox resoom'd agricultooral pursoots shortly afterwards.
I next tried my hand at givin Blind-man concerts, appearin as the
poor blind man myself. But the infamus cuss who I hired to lead me
round towns in the day time to excite simpathy drank freely of
spiritoous licker unbeknowns to me one day, & while under their
inflooance he led me into the canal. I had to either tear the green
bandige from my eyes or be drownded. I tho't I'd restore my
eyesight.
In writin about these things, Mr. Editer, kinder smooth em over.
Speak of 'em as eccentrissities of gen'us.
My next ventur would hav bin a success if I hadn't tried to do too
much. I got up a series of wax figgers, and among others one of
Socrates. I tho't a wax figger of old Sock. would be poplar with
eddycated peple, but unfortinitly I put a Brown linen duster and a
U.S. Army regulation cap on him, which peple with classycal
eddycations said it was a farce. This enterprise was onfortnit in
other respecks. At a certin town I advertised a wax figger of the
Hon'ble Amos Perkins, who was a Railroad President, and a great
person in them parts. But it appeared I had shown the same figger
for a Pirut named Gibbs in that town the previs season, which
created a intense toomult, & the audience remarked "shame onto me,"
& other statements of the same similarness. I tried to mollify em.
I told 'em that any family possessin children might have my she
tiger to play with half a day, & I wouldn't charge 'em a cent, but
alars! it was of no avail. I was forced to leave, & I infer from a
article in the "Advertiser" of that town, in which the Editer says,
"Atho' time has silvered this man's hed with its frosts, he still
brazenly wallows in infamy. Still are his snakes stuffed, and his
wax works unrelible. We are glad that he has concluded never to
revisit our town, altho', incredible as it may appear, the fellow
really did contemplate so doing last summer, when, still true to the
craven instincts of his black heart, he wrote the hireling knaves of
the obscure journal across the street to know what they would charge
for 400 small bills, to be done on yellow paper! We shall recur to
this matter again!"
I say, I infer from this article that a prejudiss still exists agin
me in that town.
I will not speak of my once bein in straitend circumstances in a
sertin town, and of my endeaverin to accoomulate welth by lettin
myself to Sabbath School picnics to sing ballads adapted to the
understandins of little children, accompanyin myself on a
claironett--which I forgot where I was one day, singing, instid of
"Oh, how pleasant to be a little child,"
"Rip slap--set em up again,
Right in the middle of a three-cent pie,"
which mistake, added to the fact that I couldn't play onto the
claironett except makin it howl dismal, broke up the picnic, and
children said, in voices choked with sobs and emotions, where was
their home and where was their Pa? and I said, Be quiet, dear
children, I am your Pa, which made a young woman with two twins by
her side say very angryly, "Good heavens forbid you should ever be
the Pa of any of these innocent ones, unless it is much desirable
for them to expire igminyusly upon to a murderer's gallus!"
I say I will not speak of this. Let it be Berrid into Oblivyun.
In your article, Mr. Editer, please tell him what sort of a man I
am.
If you see fit to kriticise my Show speak your mind freely. I do
not object to kriticism. Tell the public, in a candid and graceful
article, that my Show abounds in moral and startlin cooriosities,
any one of whom is wuth dubble the price of admission.
I hav thus far spoke of myself excloosivly as a exhibiter.
I was born in the State of Maine of parents. As a infant I
attracted a great deal of attention. The nabers would stand over my
cradle for hours and say, "How bright that little face looks! How
much it nose!" The young ladies would carry me round in their arms,
sayin I was muzzer's bezzy darlin and a sweety 'eety 'ittle ting.
It was nice, tho' I wasn't old enuf to properly appreciate it. I'm
a healthy old darlin now.
I have allers sustained a good moral character. I was never a
Railroad director in my life.
Altho' in early life I did not inva'bly confine myself to truth in
my small bills, I have been gradoolly growin respectabler and
respectabler ev'ry year. I luv my children, and never mistake
another man's wife for my own. I'm not a member of any meetin house,
but firmly bel'eve in meetin houses, and shouldn't feel safe to take
a dose of laudnum and lay down in the street of a village that
hadn't any, with a thousand dollars in my vest pockets.
My temperament is billious, altho' I don't owe a dollar in the
world.
I am a early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian. I may add that I
am also bald-heded. I keep two cows.
I live in Baldinsville, Indiany. My next door naber is Old Steve
Billins. I'll tell you a little story about Old Steve that will make
you larf. He jined the Church last spring, and the minister said,
"You must go home now, Brothern Billins, and erect a family altar in
your own house," whereupon the egrejis old ass went home and built a
reg'lar pulpit in his sittin room. He had the jiners in his house
over four days.
I am 56 (56) years of age. Time, with its relentless scythe, is
ever busy. The Old Sexton gathers them in, he gathers them in! I
keep a pig this year.
I don't think of anything more, Mr Ed'ter.
If you should giv my portrait in connection with my Bogfry, please
have me ingraved in a languishin attitood, learnin on a marble
pillar, leavin my back hair as it is now.--Trooly yours.
Artemus Ward.
7.3. THE SERENADE.
Things in our town is workin. The canal boat "Lucy Ann" called in
here the other day and reported all quiet on the Wabash. The "Lucy
Ann" has adopted a new style of Binnakle light, in the shape of a
red-headed girl, who sits up over the compass. It works well.
The artist I spoke about in my larst has returned to Philadelphy.
Before he left I took his lily-white hand in mine. I suggested to
him that if he could induce the citizens of Philadelphy to believe
it would be a good idea to have white winder-shutters on their
houses and white door-stones, he might make a fortin. "It's a
novelty," I added, "and may startle 'em at fust, but they may
conclood to adopt it.
As several of our public men are constantly being surprised with
serenades, I concluded I'd be surprised in the same way, so I made
arrangements accordin. I asked the Brass Band how much they'd take
to take me entirely by surprise with a serenade. They said they'd
overwhelm me with a unexpected honor for seven dollars, which I
excepted.
I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehand bein very
careful to expunge all ingramatticisms and payin particuler
attention to the punktooation. It was, if I may say it without
egitism, a manly effort; but, alars! I never delivered it, as the
sekel will show you. I paced up and down the kitchin speakin my
piece over so as to be entirely perfeck. My bloomin young daughter,
Sarah Ann, bothered me summut by singin, "Why do summer roses fade?"
"Because," said I, arter hearin her sing it about fourteen times,
"because it's their biz! Let 'em fade!"
"Betsy," said I, pausin in the middle of the room and letting my
eagle eye wander from the manuscrip--"Betsy, on the night of this
here serenade, I desires you to appear at the winder dressed in
white, and wave a lily-white handkercher. D'ye hear?"
"If I appear," said that remarkable female, "I shall wave a
lily-white bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody will be scalded.
One bald-headed old fool will get HIS share."
She refer'd to her husband. No doubt about it in my mind. But for
fear she might exasperate me I said nothin.
The expected night cum. At nine o'clock precisely there was sounds
of footsteps in the yard, and the Band struck up a lively air, which
when they did finish it, there was cries of "Ward! Ward!" I stept
out onto the portico. A brief glance showed me that the assemblage
was summut mixed. There was a great many ragged boys, and there was
quite a number of grown-up persons evigently under the affluence of
the intoxicatin bole. The Band was also drunk. Dr. Schwazey, who
was holdin up a post, seemed to be partic'ly drunk--so much so that
it had got into his spectacles, which were staggerin wildly over his
nose. But I was in for it, and I commenced:--
"Feller Citizens,--For this onexpected honor--"
LEADER OF THE BAND.--Will you give us our money now, or wait till
you git through?"
To this painful and disgustin interruption I paid no attention.
"--for this onexpected honor, I thank you."
LEADER OF THE BAND.--"But you said you'd give us seven dollars if
we'd play two choons."
Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows:--
"I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd of true
Americans, my heart swells--"
DR. SCHWAZEY.--"So do I!"
A VOICE.--"We all do!"
"--my heart swells--"
A VOICE.--"Three cheers for the swells."
"We live," said I, "in troublous times, but I hope we shall again
resume our former proud position, and go on in our glorious career!"
DR. SCHWAZEY.--I'm willin for one to go on in a glorious career!
Will you join me, fellow-citizens, in a glorious career? What wages
does a man git for a glorious career, when he finds himself?"
"Dr, Schwazey," said I, sternly, "you are drunk. You're disturbin
the meetin."
DR. S.--Have you a banquet spread in the house? I should like a
rhunossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on toast, or a
horse and wagon roasted whole. Anything that's handy. Don't put
yourself out on me account.
At this point the Band begun to make hidyous noises with their brass
horns, and an exceedingly ragged boy wanted to know if there wasn't
to be some wittles afore the concern broke up? I didn't exactly
know what to do, and was just on the point of doin it, when a upper
winder suddenly opened, and a stream of hot water was bro't to bear
on the disorderly crowd, who took the hint and retired at once.
When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall, among
other arrangements, have a respectful company on hand. So no more
from me to-day. When this you see, remember me.
7.4. O'BOURCY'S "ARRAH-NA-POGUE."
You axe me, sir, to sling sum ink for your paper in regards to the
new Irish dramy at Niblo's Garding. I will do it, sir.
I knew your grandfather well, sir. Sum 16 years ago, while I was
amoosin and instructin the intellectoal peple of Cape Cod with my
justly pop'lar Show, I saw your grandfather. He was then between
96 years of age, but his mind was very clear. He told me I looked
like George Washington. He said I had a massiv intellect. Your
grandfather was a highly-intelligent man, and I made up my mind then
that if I could ever help his family in any way, I'd do so. Your
grandfather gave me sum clams and a Testament. He charged me for
the clams but threw in the Testament. He was a very fine man.
I therefore rite for you, which insures your respectability at once.
It gives you a moral tone at the word go.
I found myself the other night at Niblo's Garding, which is now, by
the way, Wheatley's Garding. (I don't know what's bcum of Nib.) I
couldn't see much of a garding, however, and it struck me if Mr.
Wheatley depended on it as regards raisin things, he'd run short of
gardin sass. [N.B.--These remarks is yoomerous. The older I gro,
the more I want to goak.]
I walked down the isle in my usual dignified stile, politely tellin
the people as I parsed along to keep their seats. "Don't git up for
me," I sed. One of the prettiest young men I ever saw in my life
showed me into a seat, and I proceeded to while away the spare time
by reading Thompson's "Bank Note Reporter" and the comic papers.
The ordinance was large.
I tho't, from a cursiry view, that the Finnigan Brotherhood was well
represented.
There was no end of bootiful wimin, and a heap of good clothes.
There was a good deal of hair present that belonged on the heds of
peple who didn't cum with it--but this is a ticklish subjeck for me.
I larfed at my wife's waterfall, which indoosed that superior woman
to take it off and heave it at me rather vilently; and as there was
about a half bushil of it, it knockt me over, and give me pains in
my body which I hain't got over yit.
The orkistry struck up a toon, & I asked the Usher to nudge me when
Mr. Pogue cum on the stage to act.
I wanted to see Pogue; but, strange to say, he didn't act during the
entire evenin. I reckin he has left Niblo's, and gone over to
Barnum's.
Very industrious pepl are the actors at Barnum's. They play all
day, and in the evenin likewise. I meet'm every mornin, at five
o'clock, going to their work with their tin dinner-pails. It's a
sublime site. Many of them sleep on the premises.
Arrah-na-Pogue was writ by Dion O'Bourcicolt & Edward McHouse. They
writ it well. O'Bourcy has writ a cartload of plays himself, the
most of which is fust-rate.
I understand there is a large number of O'gen'tlmen of this city who
can rite better plays than O'Bourcy does, but somehow they don't
seem to do it. When they do, I'll take a Box of them.
As I remarked to the Boy who squirted peppersass through a tin
dinner-horn at my trained Bear (which it caused that feroshus animal
to kick up his legs and howl dismal, which fond mothers fell into
swoons and children cride to go home because fearin the Bear would
leave his jungle and tear them from limb to limb), and then excoosed
himself (this Boy did) by sayin he had done so while labourin under
a attack of Moral Insanity--as I sed to that thrifty youth, "I allus
incurridge geenyus, whenever I see it."
It's the same with Dan Bryant. I am informed there are better Irish
actors than he is, but somhow I'm allus out of town when they act, &
so is other folks, which is what's the matter.
ACK THE 1.--Glendalo by moonlite.
Irishmen with clubs.
This is in 1798, the year of your birth, Mr. Editor.
It appears a patriotic person named McCool has bin raisin a
insurrection in the mountain districts, and is now goin to leave the
land of his nativity for a tower in France. Previsly to doin so he
picks the pockit of Mr. Michael Feeny, a gov'ment detectiv, which
pleases the gallery very much indeed, and they joyfully remark, "hi,
hi."
He meets also at this time a young woman who luvs him dearer than
life, and who is, of course, related to the gov'ment; and just as
the gov'ment goes agin him she goes for him. This is nat'ral, but
not grateful. She sez, "And can it be so? Ar, tell me it is not so
thusly as this thusness wouldst seem!" or words to that effect.
He sez it isn't any other way, and they go off.
Irish moosic by the Band.
Mr. McCool goes and gives the money to his foster-sister, Miss Arrah
Meelish, who is goin to shortly marry Shaun, the Lamp Post. Mac
then alters his mind about goin over to France, and thinks he'll go
up-stairs and lie down in the straw. This is in Arrah's cabin.
Arrah says it's all right, me darlint, och hone, and shure, and
other pop'lar remarks, and Mac goes to his straw.
The wedding of Shaun and Arrah comes off.
Great excitement. Immense demonstration on the part of the
peasantry. Barn-door jigs, and rebelyus song by McHouse, called
"The Drinkin of the Gin." Ha, what is this? Soldiers cum in.
Moosic by the band. "Arrah," sez the Major, "you have those money."
She sez, "Oh no, I guess not." He sez, "Oh yes, I guess you have."
"It is my own," sez she, and exhibits it. "It is mine," says Mr.
Feeny, and identifies it.
Great confusion.
Coat is prodoosed from up-stairs.
"Whose coat is this?" sez the Major. "Is it the coat of a young man
secreted in this here cabin?"
Now this is rough on Shaun. His wife accoosed of theft, the
circumstances bein very much agin her, and also accoosed of havin a
hansum young man hid in her house. But does this bold young
Hibernian forsake her? Not much, he dont. But he takes it all on
himself, sez he is the guilty wretch, and is marcht off to prison.
This is a new idea. It is gin'rally the wife who suffers, in the
play, for her husband; but here's a noble young feller who shuts
both his eyes to the apparent sinfulness of his new young wife, and
takes her right square to his bosom. It was bootiful to me, who
love my wife, and believe in her, and would put on my meetin clothes
and go to the gallus for her cheerfully, ruther than believe she was
capable of taking anybody's money but mine. My marrid friends,
listen to me: If you treat your wives as though' they were perfeck
gentlemen--if you show 'em that you have entire confidence in them--
believe me, they will be troo to you most always.
I was so pleased with this conduct of Shaun that I hollered out,
"Good boy! Come and see me!"
"Silence!" sum people said.
"Put him out!" said a sweet-scented young man, with all his new
clothes on, and in company with a splendid waterfall, "put this old
fellow out!"
"My young friend," said I, in a loud voice, "whose store do you sell
tape in? I might want to buy a yard before I go hum."
Shaun is tried by a Military Commission. Colonel O'Grady, although
a member of the Commission, shows he sympathizes with Shaun, and
twits Feeny, the Gov'ment witness, with being a knock-kneed thief,
&c., &c. Mr. Stanton's grandfather was Sec'y of War in Ireland at
that time, so this was entirely proper.
Shaun is convicted and goes to jail. Hears Arrah singin outside.
Wants to see her a good deal. A lucky thought strikes him; he opens
the window and gets out. Struggles with ivy and things on the
outside of the jail, and finally reaches her just as Mr. Feeny is
about to dash a large wooden stone onto his head. He throws Mr. F.
into the river. Pardon arrives. Fond embraces. Tears of joy and
kisses a la Pogue. Everybody much happy.
Curtain falls.
This is a very harty outline of a splendid play. Go and see it--
Yours till then,
A. Ward.
7.5. ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS.
PRELIMINARY.
Sparkling with genuine fun and bristling with pungent satire,
this is an epitome of Artemus Ward's most genial humour and of
his keenly sarcastic truth. The doings of the Fenians have
hitherto been sufficiently ludicrous to merit the ridicule
which Artemus has added to the stock they have liberally
provided for themselves. To use the periphrasis of Senator
Sumner, they have hitherto been "the muscipular abortion of
the parturient mountain," whatever their folly may yet lead
them to effect of a more serious nature in time to come. As a
curiosity of literature, worthy of being preserved for the
amusement of posterity, a leading article on the Fenians,
extracted from a New York paper of most extensive circulation, is
given below. Such another "leader" as the one here given could
not be met with in the press of any land in the world, except in
that of the United States.
"THE FENIAN TROUBLES AT AN END--THE HEAD CENTRE VICTORIOUS.
"The unmitigated blackguards and miserable spalpeens who
raised the standard of revolt against the brave and gallant
O'Mahony are knocked into the most infinitesimal
smithereens, and chawed up until there is not as much left
of them as remained after the tooth-and-nail conflict of the
Kilkenny cats. The blessed and holy St Patrick (may the
heavens be his bed in glory!) never more thoroughly
extinguished the toads, snakes, bedbugs, mosquitoes, and
varmint in general, which he drove out of Ould Ireland, than
O'Mahony, the gallant Head Centre, squelched, exterminated,
crushed out, and extinguished the cantankerous Senators and
rebellious disciples of the brotherhood who thought to
clutch the evergreen laurels and verdant greenbacks with
which a patriotic and confiding people have encircled his
brow and lined his wallet. As the blessed St Patrick afore
said compelled the varmints to betake themselves to the
swamps and morasses, and `chased the frogs into the bogs,'
so the redoubtable 0'Mahony has compelled the rebellious
Fenians to hide their diminished heads and betake themselves
to the recesses of oblivion, where their contortions will be
watched by the observer of futurity, as the visitors of
Blarney Castle are edified by the gambols of the 'comely
eels in the verdant mud.' The brave 0'Mahony has come forth
from the contest like gold from the crucible, or whisky from
the still, purified, etherealised, and elevated, while his
antagonists have shrunk away like dross or swill, never more
to mingle with the Olympian deliberation, and Jove-like
councils of the Moffatt Mansion. Instead of participating
in these august deliberations, they will go back to their
shanties, and there behold the glories they are unworthy to
share. As if the O'Mahony bludgeon had not knocked the
breath completely out of the revolters, the idolised
Stephens, who, like the Roman Curtius, jumped into the gulf
of Irish nationality, published a letter and a proclamation
which must satisfy the public that the recreants 'kilt
intirely,' and may as well give their neighbours a pleasant
wake and a decent burial as expect to survive the period of
their inevitable dissolution. His proclamation comes down
on them like a shillaly in Donnybrook; and if it does not
ventilate their skulls, it is because those cranial
envelopes are as impervious to physical force as to the
gentle influence of reason or patriotism. Having demolished
the rebellious Senate and their backers, the next thing
0'Mahony has to do is to wipe out the bloody Saxon and
re-establish the nationality of the Emerald Isle as it
existed in the days of Brian Boru. As Queen Victoria is a
woman, we do not expect to see her locked up like Jeff.
Davis, but she will be allowed to emigrate to New York, and
open a boarding-school or a dry-goods store, where she will
remain unmolested as long as she behaves herself."
JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, Piccadilly, W. Jan. 30, 1865.
To Home, April 1866.
The Finians conveened in our town the other night, and took steps
toord freein Ireland. They met into the Town Hall, and by the kind
invite of my naber, Mr. Mulrooney O'Shaughnessy, whose ancestors at
least must have Irish blood in their veins, I went over.
You may not be awair, by the way, that I've been a invalid here to
home for sev'ril weeks. And it's all owin to my own improodens.
Not feelin like eating a full meal when the cars stopt for dinner,
in the South, where I lately was, I went into a Resterater and et 20
hard biled eggs. I think they effected my Liver.
My wife says, Po, po. She says I've got a splendid liver for a man
of my time of life. I've heard of men's livers gradooally wastin'
away till they hadn't none. It's a dreadful thing when a man's
liver gives him the shake.
Two years ago comin this May, I had a 'tack of fever-'n-ager, and by
the advice of Miss Peasley who continues single and is
correspondinly unhappy in the same ratios I consulted a Spiritul
mejum--a writin' mejum. I got a letter from a cel'brated Injin
chief, who writ me, accordin to the mejum, that he'd been ded two
hundred and seventeen (217) years, and liked it. He then said, let
the Pale face drink sum yarb tea. I drinkt it, and it really helpt
me. I've writ to this talented savige this time thro' the same
mejum, but as yet I hain't got any answer. Perhaps he's in a spear
where they haint' got any postage stamps.
But thanks to careful nussin, I'm improvin rapid.
The Town Hall was jam-full of peple, mostly Irish citizens, and the
enthusiasm was immense. They cheer'd everybody and everything.
They cheer'd me.
"Hurroo for Ward! Hurroo!"
They was all good nabers of mine, and I ansered in a pleasant voice,
"All right, boys, all right. Mavoorneen, och hone, aroon, Cooshla
macree!"
These Irish remarks bein' received with great applaus, I added,
"Mushler! mushler!"
"Good! good!" cried Captain Spingler, who desires the Irish vote for
country clerk; "that's fus' rate."
"You see what I'm drivin at, don't you, Cap?" I said.
"Certainly."
"Well," I ansered, "I'm very glad you do, becaus I don't."
This made the Finians larf, and they said, "Walk up onto the
speaker's platform sir."
The speeches was red hot agin England, and hir iron heel, and it was
resolved to free Ireland at onct. But it was much desirable before
freein her that a large quantity of funds should be raised. And,
like the gen'rous souls as they was, funs was lib'rally
contribooted. Then arose a excitin discussion as to which head
center they should send 'em to--O'Mahony or McRoberts. There was
grate excitement over this, but it was finally resolved to send half
to one and half to 'tother.
Then Mr. Finnigan rose and said, "We have here to-night sum citizens
of American birth, whom we should be glad to hear. It would fill
our harts with speechless joy to hear from a man whose name towers
high in the zoological and wax-figger world--from whose pearly
lips--
Says I, "Go slow, Finny, go slow."
"We wish to hear," continued Mr. Finnigan, moderatin his stile
summut, "from our townsman, Mr. Ward."
I beg'd to be declined, but it wan't no use. I rose amid a perfeck
uproar of applause.
I said we had convened there in a meetin, as I understood it, or
rather in a body, as it were, in reference to Ireland. If I knew my
own hart, every one of us there, both grate and small had an impulse
flowin in his boosum, "and consequentially," I added, we "will stick
to it similar and in accordance therewith, as long as a spark of
manhood, or the peple at large. That's the kind of man I be!"
Squire Thaxter interrupted me. The Squire feels the wrongs of
Ireland deeply, on accounts of havin onct courted the widder of a
Irish gentleman who had lingered in a loathsum dunjin in Dublin,
placed there by a English tarvern-keeper, who despotically wanted
him to pay for a quantity of chops and beer he had consoom'd.
Besides, the Squire wants to be re-elected Justice of the Peace.
"Mr. Ward," he said, "you've bin drinkin. You're under the
infloo'nce of licker, sir!"
Says I, "Squire, not a drop of good licker has passed my lips in
fifteen years.
[Cries of "Oh, here now, that won't do."]
"It is troo," I said. "Not a drop of good licker has passed my lips
in all that time. I don't let it pass 'em. I reach for it while
it's goin by!" says I. "Squire, harness me sum more!"
"I beg pardon," said the Squire, "for the remark; you are sober; but
what on airth are you drivin at?"
"Yes!" I said, "that's just it. That's what I've bin axin myself
during the entire evenin. What is this grate meetin drivin at?
What's all the grate Finian meetins drivin at all over the country?
"My Irish frens, you know me well enuff to know that I didn't come
here to disturb this meetin. Nobody but a loafer will disturb any
kind of a meetin. And if you'll notice it, them as are up to this
sort of thing, allers come to a bad end. There was a young man--I
will not mention his name--who disturb'd my show in a certain town,
two years ago, by makin remarks disrespectful of my animals,
accompanied by a allosan to the front part of my hed, which, as you
see, it is Bald--sayin,-- says this young man, 'You sandpaper it too
much, but you've got a beautiful head of hair in the back of your
neck, old man.' This made a few ignent and low-mindid persons larf;
but what was the fate of that young man? In less than a month his
aunt died and left him a farm in Oxford county, Maine! The human
mind can pictur no grater misfortun than this.
"No, my Irish frens, I am here as your naber and fren. I know YOU
are honest in this Finian matter.
"But let us look at them Head Centers. Let us look at them
rip-roarin orators in New York, who've bin tearin round for up'ards
a year, swearin Ireland shall be free.
"There's two parties--O'McMahoneys and McO'Roberts. One thinks the
best way is to go over to Canady and establish a Irish Republic
there, kindly permittin the Canadians to pay the expenses of that
sweet Boon; and the other wants to sail direck for Dublin Bay, where
young McRoy and his fair young bride went down and was drownded,
accordin to a ballad I onct heard. But there's one pint on which
both sides agree--that's the Funs. They're willin, them chaps in
New York, to receive all the Funs you'll send 'em. You send a puss
tonight to Mahony, and another puss to Roberts. Both will receive
'em. You bet. And with other pusses it will be sim'lar.
"I went into Mr. Delmonico's eatin-house the other night, and I saw
my fren Mr. Terence McFadden, who is a elekent and enterprisin
deputy Centre. He was sittin at a table, eatin a canvas-back duck.
Poultry of that kind, as you know, is rather high just now. I think
about five dollars per Poult. And a bottle of green seal stood
before him.
"'How are you, Mr. McFadden?' I said.
"'Oh, Mr. Ward! I am miserable--miserable! The wrongs we Irishmen
suffers! Oh, Ireland! Will a troo history of your sufferins ever
be written? Must we be ever ground under by the iron heel of
despotic Briton? But, Mr. Ward, won't you eat suthin?'
"'Well,' I said 'if there's another caanvas-back and a spare bottle
of that green seal in the house, I wouldn't mind jinin you in bein
ground under by Briton's iron heel.'
"'Green turtle soup, first?' he said.
"'Well, yes. If I'm to share the wrongs of Ireland with you, I
don't care if I do have a bowl of soup. Put a bean into it,' I said
to the waiter. 'It will remind me of my childhood days, when we had
'em baked in conjunction with pork every Sunday mornin, and then all
went up to the village church, and had a refreshin nap in the fam'ly
pew.'
"Mr. McFadden, who was sufferin so thurily for Ireland, was of the
Mahony wing. I've no doubt that some ekally patriotic member of the
Roberts wing was sufferin in the same way over to the Mason-Dory
eatin-house.
"They say, feller-citizens, soon you will see a Blow struck for
Irish liberty! We hain't seen nothin BUT a Blow, so far--it's bin
all blow, and the blowers in New York won't git out of Bellusses as
long as our Irish frens in the rooral districks send 'em money.
"Let the Green float above the red, if that'll make it feel any
better, but don't you be the Green. Don't never go into anything
till you know whereabouts you're goin to.
"This is a very good country here where you are. You Irish hav
enjoyed our boons, held your share in our offices, and you certainly
have done your share of our votin. Then why this hulla-balloo about
freein Ireland? You do your frens in Ireland a great injoory, too;
because they b'lieve you're comin sure enuff, and they fly off the
handle and git into jail. My Irish frens, ponder these things a
little. 'Zamine 'em closely, and above all find out where the
pusses go to."
I sot down. There was no applaws, but they listened to me kindly.
They know'd I was honest, however wrong I might be; and they know'd
too, that there was no peple on arth whose generosity and gallantry
I had a higher respect for than the Irish, excep when they fly off
the handle. So, my feller citizens, let me toot my horn.
But Squire Thaxter put his hand onto my hed and said, in a mournful
tone of vois, "Mr. Ward, your mind is failin. Your intellect
totters! You are only about sixty years of age, yet you will soon
be a drivelin dotard, and hav no control over yourself."
"I have no control over my arms now," I replied, drivin my elbows
suddenly into the Squire's stomack, which caused that corpulent
magistrate to fall vilently off the stage into the fiddlers' box,
where he stuck his vener'ble hed into a base drum, and stated
"Murder" twice, in a very loud vois.
It was late when I got home. The children and my wife was all abed.
But a candle--a candle made from taller of our own raisin--gleamed
in Betsy's room; it gleamed for I! All was still. The sweet silver
moon was a shinin bright, and the beautiful stars was up to their
usual doins! I felt a sentymental mood so gently ore me stealin,
and I pawsed before Betsy's window, and sung, in a kind of op'ratic
vois, as follers, impromtoo, to wit:
Wake, Bessy, wake,
My sweet galoot!
Rise up, fair lady,
While I touch my lute!
The winder--I regret to say that the winder went up with a vi'lent
crash, and a form robed in spotless white exclaimed, "Cum into the
house, you old fool. To-morrer you'll be goin round complainin
about your liver!"
I sot up a spell by the kitchen fire readin Lewis Napoleon's "Life
of Julius Caesar." What a reckless old cuss he was! Yit Lewis
picturs him in glowin cullers. Caesar made it lively for the boys
in Gaul, didn't he? He slewd one million of citizens, male and
female--Gauls and Gaulusses--and then he sold another million of 'em
into slavery. He continnered this cheerful stile of thing for sum
time, when one day he was 'sassinated in Rome by sum high-toned
Roman gen'lmen, led on by Mr. Brutus. When old Bruty inserted his
knife into him, Caesar admitted that he was gone up. His funeral
was a great success, the house bein crowded to its utmost capacity.
Ten minutes after the doors were opened, the Ushers had to put up
cards on which was prntd, "Standin Room Only."
I went to bed at last. "And so," I said, "thou hast no ear for
sweet melody?"
A silvery snore was my only answer.
BETSY SLEPT.
Artemus Ward.
7.6. ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON.
[The following paper was contributed by Mr. Browne to "Vanity Fair,"
the New York "Punch," which terminated its career during the late
war. Some of the allusions are, of course, to matters long past;
but the old fun and genuine humour of the showman are as enjoyable
now as when first written.]
Washington, April 17, 1863.
My wife stood before the lookin-glass, a fussin up her hair.
"What you doin, Betsy?" I inquired.
"Doin up my back hair," she replied.
"Betsy," said I, with a stern air, "Betsy, you're too old to think
about such frivolities as back hair."
"Too old? TOO OLD?" she screamed, "too old, you bald-heded idiot!
You ain't got hair enuff onto YOUR hed to make a decent wig for a
single-brested grasshopper!"
The Rebook was severe, but merited. Hens4th I shall let my wife's
back hair alone. You heard me!
My little dawter is growin quite rapid, and begins to scrootinize
clothin, with young men inside of it, puthy clost. I obsarve, too,
that she twists pieces of paper round her hair at nights, and won't
let me put my arms round her any more for fair I'll muss her. "Your
mother wasn't 'fraid I'd muss HER when she was your age, my child,"
sed I one day, with a sly twinkle into my dark bay eye.
"No," replied my little dawter, "she probly liked it."
You ain't going to fool female Young America much. You may gamble
on THAT.
But all this, which happened in Baldinsville a week ago, hain't
nothin to do with Washington, from whither I now write you, hopin
the iterms I hereby sends will be exceptable to the Gin-Cocktail of
America--I mean the "Punch" thereof. [A mild wittikism.--A.W.]
Washington, D.C., is the Capital of "our once happy country"--if I
may be allowed to koin a frase! The D.C. stands for Desprit Cusses,
a numerosity which abounds here, the most of whom persess a Romantic
pashun for gratooitous drinks. And in this conjunction I will
relate an incident. I notist for several days a large Hearse
standin in front of the principal tavern on Pennsylvany Avenoo.
"Can you tell me, my fair Castillian," sed I this mornin, to a young
Spaniard from Tipperary, who was blackin boots in the washroom--"can
you tell me what those Hearse is kept standin out there for?"
"Well, you see our Bar bisness is great. You've no idee of the
number of People who drink at our Bar durin a day. You see those
Hearse is necessary."
I SAW.
Standin in front of the tarvuns of Pennsylvany Avenoo is a lot of
miserbul wretches,--black, white and ring-strickid, and freckled--
with long whips in their hands, who frowns upon you like the wulture
upon the turtle-dove the minit you dismerge from hotel. They own
yonder four-wheeled startlin curiositys, which were used years and
years ago by the fust settlers of Virginny to carry live hogs to
market in. The best carriage I saw in the entire collection was
used by Pockyhontas, sum two hundred years ago, as a goat-pen.
Becumin so used up that it couldn't hold goats, that fair and gentle
savage put it up at auction. Subsekently it was used as a hospital
for sick calves, then as a hencoop, and finally it was put on wheels
and is now doin duty as a hack.
I called on Secretary Welles, of the Navy. You know he is quite a
mariner himself, havin once owned a Raft of logs on the Connethycut
river. So I put on saler stile and hollered: "Ahoy, shipmet! Tip
us yer grapplin irons!"
"Yes, yes!" he sed, nervously, "but mercy on us, don't be so noisy."
"Ay, ay, my heart! But let me sing about how Jack Stokes lost his
gal:--
'The reason why he couldn't gain her,
Was becoz he's drunken saler!'
"That's very good, indeed," said the Secky, "but this is hardly the
place to sing songs in, my frend."
"Let me write the songs of a nashun," sed I, "and I don't care a
cuss who goes to the legislater! But I ax your pardon--how's
things?"
"Comfortable, I thank you. I have here," he added, "a copy of the
Middletown "Weekly Clarion" of February the 15, containin a report
that there isn't much Union sentiment in South Caroliny, but I
hardly credit it."
"Air you well, Mr. Secky," sed I. "Is your liver all right? How's
your koff?"
"God bless me!" sed the Secky, risin hastily and glarin wildly at
me, "what do you mean?"
"Oh, nothin partickler. Only it is one of the beauties of a
Republican form of gov'ment that a Cabnet offisser can pack up his
trunk and go home whenever he's sick. Sure nothin don't ail your
liver?" sed I, pokin him putty vilent in the stummick.
I called on Abe. He received me kindly. I handed him my umbreller,
and told him I'd have a check for it if he pleased. "That," sed he,
"puts me in mind of a little story. There was a man, out in our
parts who was so mean that he took his wife's coffin out of the back
winder for fear he would rub the paint off the doorway. Wall, about
this time there was a man in a adjacent town who had a green cotton
umbreller."
"Did it fit him well? Was it custom made? Was he measured for it?"
"Measured for what?" said Abe.
"The umbreller?"
"Wall, as I was sayin," continnered the President, treatin the
interruption with apparent comtempt, "this man sed he'd known that
there umbreller ever since it was a pyrasol. Ha, ha, ha!"
"Yes," said I, larfin in a respectful manner, "but what has this man
with the umbreller to do with the man who took his wife's coffin out
of the back winder?"
"To be sure," said Abe--"what was it? I must have got two stories
mixed together, which puts me in mind of another lit--"
"Never mind, Your Excellency. I called to congratulate you on your
career, which has been a honest and a good one--unscared and unmoved
by Secesh in front of you and Abbolish at the back of you--each one
of which is a little wuss than the other if possible!
"Tell E. Stanton that his boldness, honesty, and vigger merits all
praise, but to keep his under-garments on. E. Stanton has
appeerently only one weakness, which it is, he can't allus keep his
under-garments from flyin up over his hed. I mean that he
occasionally dances in a peck-measure, and he don't look graceful at
it."
I took my departer. "Good-bye, old sweetness!" sed Abe, shakin me
cordgully by the hand.
"Adoo, my Prahayrie flower!" I replied, and made my exit.
"Twenty-five thousand dollars a year and found," I soliloquized, as
I walked down the street, "is putty good wages for a man with a
modist appytite, but I reckon that it is wuth it to run the White
House."
"What you bowt, sah? What the debble you doin, sah?"
It was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which thus spoke to me.
There was a cullud procession before me which was escortin a elderly
bald-hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates Alley. This distinguished
Afrikin Brother had just returned from Lybery, and in turnin a
corner puty suddent I hed stumbled and placed my hed agin his
stummick in a rather strengthy manner.
"Do you wish to impede the progress of this procession, sah?"
"Certainly not, by all means! Procesh!"
And they went on.
I'm reconstructing my show. I've bo't a collection of life size wax
figgers of our prominent Revolutionary forefathers. I bo't 'em at
auction, and got 'em cheap. They stand me about two dollars and
fifty cents (2 dols. 50 cents) per Revolutionary forefather.
Ever as always yours,
A. WARD.
7.7. SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS.
There is some fun outside the Fair Ground. Any number of
mountebanks have pitched their tents there, and are exhibiting all
sorts of monstrosities to large and enthusiastic audiences. There
are some eloquent men among the showmen. Some of them are
Demosthenic. We looked around among them during the last day we
honored the Fair with our brilliant presence, and were rather
pleased at some things we heard and witnessed.
The man with the fat woman and the little woman and the little man
was there.
"'Ere's a show, now," said he, "worth seeing. 'Ere's a
entertainment that improves the morals. P.T. Barnum--you've all
hearn o' him. What did he say to me? Sez he to me, sez P.T.
Barnum, 'Sir, you have the all-firedest best show travelin!'--and
all to be seen for the small sum of fifteen cents!"
The man with the blue hog was there. Says he, "Gentle-MEN, this
beast can't turn round in a crockery crate ten feet square, and is
of a bright indigo blue. Over five hundred persons have seen this
wonderful BEING this mornin, and they said as they come out, 'What
can these 'ere things be? Is it alive? Doth it breathe and have a
being? Ah yes,' they say, 'it is true, and we have saw a
entertainment as we never saw afore. 'Tis nature's [only fifteen
cents--'ere's your change, sir] own sublime hand-works'--and walk
right in."
The man with the wild mare was there.