"Well said; that was laid on with a trowel."
"Gratiano speaks an infinite deal of nothing, more than any man in
all Venice."
"After all, indeed; you may well say that," says Mr. Monkton, with
indignation. "If those two idiots meant matrimony all along, why on
earth didn't they do it all before. See what a lot of time they've lost,
and what a disgraceful amount of trouble they have given all round."
"Yes, yes, of course. But then you see, Freddy, it takes some time to
make up one's mind about such an important matter as that."
"It didn't take you long," says Mr. Monkton most unwisely.
"It took me a great deal longer than it took you," replies his wife with
dignity. "You have always said that it was the very first day you ever
saw me--and I'm sure it took me quite a week!"
This lucid speech she delivers with some severity.
"More shame for you," says Monkton promptly.
"Well, never mind," says she, too happy and too engrossed with her news
to enjoy even a skirmish with her husband. "Isn't it all charming,
Freddy?"
"It has certainly turned out very well, all things considered."
"I think it is the happiest thing. And when two people who love each
other are quite young----"
"Really, my dear, you are too flattering," says Monkton. "Considering
the gray hairs that are beginning to make themselves so unpleasantly at
home in my head, I, at all events, can hardly lay claim to extreme
youth."
"Good gracious! I'm not talking of us; I'm talking of them," cries she,
giving him a shake. "Wake up, Freddy. Bring your mind to bear upon this
big news of mine, and you will see how enchanting it is. Don't you think
Felix has behaved beautifully--so faithful, so constant, and against
such terrible odds? You know Joyce is a little difficult sometimes. Now
hasn't he been perfect all through?"
"He is a genuine hero of romance," says Mr. Monkton with conviction.
"None of your cheap articles--a regular bonafide thirteenth century
knight. The country ought to contribute its stray half-pennies and buy
him a pedestal and put him on the top of it, whether he likes it or not.
Once there Simon Stylites would be forgotten in half an hour. Was there
ever before heard of such an heroic case! Did ever yet living man have
the prowess to propose to the girl he loved! It is an entirely new
departure, and should be noticed. It is quite unique!"
"Don't be horrid," says his wife. "You know exactly what I mean--that it
is a delightful ending to what promised to be a miserable muddle. And he
is so charming; isn't he, now, Freddy?"
"Is he?" asks Mr. Monkton, regarding her with a thoughtful eye.
"You can see for yourself. He is so satisfactory. I always said he was
the very husband for Joyce. He is so kind, so earnest, so sweet in every
way."
"Nearly as sweet as I am, eh?" There is stern inquiry now in his regard.
"Pouf! I know what you are, of course. Who would, if I didn't? But
really, Freddy, don't you think he will make her an ideal husband? So
open. So frank. So free from everything--everything--oh, well,
everything--you know!"
"I don't," says Monkton, uncompromisingly.
"Well--everything hateful, I mean. Oh! she is a lucky girl!"
"Nearly as lucky as her sister," says Monkton, growing momentarily more
stern in his determination to uphold his own cause.
"Don't be absurd. I declare," with a little burst of amusement, "when
he--they--told me about it, I never felt so happy in my life."
"Except when you married me." He throws quite a tragical expression into
his face, that is, however, lost upon her.
"Of course, with her present fortune, she might have made what the world
would call a more distinguished match. But his family are
unexceptionable, and he has some money--not much, I know, but still,
some. And even if he hadn't she has now enough for both. After
all"--with noble disregard of the necessaries of life--"what is money?"
"Dross--mere dross!" says Mr. Monkton.
"And he is just the sort of man not to give a thought to it."
"He couldn't, my dear. Heroes of romance are quite above all that sort
of thing."
"Well, he is, certainly," says Mrs. Monkton, a little offended. "You may
go on pretending as much as you like, Freddy, but I know you think about
him just as I do. He is exactly the sort of charming character to make
Joyce happy."
"Nearly as happy as I have made you!" says her husband, severely.
"Dear me, Freddy--I really do wish you would try and forget yourself for
one moment!"
"I might be able to do that, my dear, if I were quite sure that you were
not forgetting me, too."
"Oh, as to that! I declare you are a perfect baby! You love teasing.
Well--there then!" The "there" represents a kiss, and Mr. Monkton,
having graciously accepted this tribute to his charms, condescends to
come down from his mental elevation and discuss the new engagement with
considerable affability. Once, indeed, there is a dangerous lapse back
into his old style, but this time there seems to be occasion for it.
"When they stood there stammering and stuttering, Freddy, and looking so
awfully silly, I declare I was so glad about it that I actually kissed
him!'"
"What!" says Mr. Monkton. "And you have lived to tell the tale! You
have, therefore; lived too long. Perfidious woman, prepare for death."
"I declare I think you'd have done it," says Barbara, eloquently.
Whereupon, having reconsidered her speech, they both give way to mirth.
"I'll try it when I see him," says Monkton. "Even a hero of romance
couldn't object to a chaste salute from me."
"He is coming to dinner. I hope when you do see him. Freddy,"--anxiously
this--"you will be very sober about it."
"Barbara! You know I never get--er--that is--not before dinner at all
events."
"Well, but promise me now, you will be very serious about it. They are
taking it seriously, and they won't like it if you persist in treating
it as a jest."
"I'll be a perfect judge."
"I know what that means"--indignantly--"that you are going to be as
frivolous as possible."
"My dear girl! If the bench could only hear you. Well, there then! Yes,
really! I'll be everything of the most desirable. A regular funeral
mute. And," seeing she is still offended, "I am glad about it, Barbara.
Honestly I think him as good a fellow as I know--and Joyce another."
Having convinced her of his good faith in the matter, and argued with
her on every single point, and so far perjured himself as to remember
perfectly and accurately the very day and hour on which, three months
ago, she had said that she knew Joyce preferred Felix to Beauclerk, he
is forgiven, and presently allowed to depart in peace with another
"there," even warmer than the first.
But it is unquestionable that she keeps a severe eye on him all through
dinner, and so forbids any trifling with the sacred topic. "It would
have put the poor things out so!" She had said to herself; and, indeed,
it must be confessed that the lovers are very shy and uncomfortable, and
that conversation drifts a good deal, and is only carried on irregularly
by fits and starts. But later, when Felix has unburdened his mind to
Monkton during the quarter of an hour over their wine--when Barbara has
been compelled, in fear and trembling, to leave Freddy to his own
devices--things grow more genial, and the extreme happiness that dwells
in the lovers' hearts is given full play. There is even a delightful
half hour granted them upon the balcony, Barbara having--like the good
angel she is--declared that the night is almost warm enough for June.