"But there are griefs, ay, griefs as deep;
The friendship turned to hate.
And deeper still, and deeper still
Repentance come too late, too late!"
Joyce, on the whole, had not enjoyed last night's dance at the Court.
Barbara had been there, and she had gone home with her and Monkton after
it, and on waking this morning a sense of unreality, of dissatisfaction,
is all that comes to her. No pleasant flavor is on her mental palate;
there is only a vague feeling of failure and a dislike to looking into
things--to analyze matters as they stand.
Yet where the failure came in she would have found it difficult to
explain even to herself. Everybody, so far as she was concerned, had
behaved perfectly; that is, as she, if she had been compelled to say it
out loud, would have desired them to behave. Mr. Beauclerk had been
polite enough; not too polite; and Lady Baltimore had made a great deal
of her, and Barbara had said she looked lovely, and Freddy had said
something, oh! absurd of course, and not worth repeating, but still
flattering; and those men from the barracks at Clonbree had been a
perfect nuisance, they were so pressing with their horrid attentions,
and so eager to get a dance. And Mr. Dysart----
Well? That fault could not be laid to his charge, therefore, of course,
he was all that could be desired. He was circumspect to the last degree.
He had not been pressing with his attentions; he had, indeed, been so
kind and nice that he had only asked her for one dance, and during the
short quarter of an hour that that took to get through he had been so
admirably conducted as to restrain his conversation to the most
commonplace, and had not suggested that the conservatory was a capital
place to get cool in between the dances.
The comb she was doing her hair with at the time caught in her hair as
she came to this point, and she flung it angrily from her, and assured
herself that the tears that had suddenly come into her eyes arose from
the pain that that hateful instrument of torture had caused her.
Yes, Felix had taken the right course; he had at least learned that she
could never be anything to him--could never--forgive him. It showed
great dignity in him, great strength of mind. She had told him, at least
given him to understand when in London, that he should forget her,
and--he had forgotten. He had obeyed her. The comb must have hurt her
again, and worse this time, because now the tears are running down her
cheeks. How horrible it is to be unforgiving! People who don't forgive
never go to heaven. There seems to be some sort of vicious consolation
in this thought.
In truth, Dysart's behavior to her since his return has been all she had
led him to understand it ought to be. He it so changed toward her in
every way that sometimes she has wondered if he has forgotten all the
strange, unhappy past, and is now entirely emancipated from the torture
of love unrequited that once had been his.
It is a train of thought she has up to this shrank from pursuing, yet
which, she being strong in certain ways, should have been pursued by her
to the bitter end. One small fact, however, had rendered her doubtful.
She could not fail to notice that whenever he and she are together in
the morning room, ballroom, or at luncheon or dinner, or breakfast,
though he will not approach or voluntarily address her unless she first
makes an advance toward him, a rare occurrence; still, if she raises her
eyes to his, anywhere, at any moment, it is to find his on her!
And what sad eyes! Searching, longing, despairing, angry, but always
full of an indescribable tenderness.
Last night she had specially noticed this--but then last night he had
specially held aloof from her. No, no! It was no use dwelling upon it.
He would not forgive. That chapter in her life was closed. To attempt to
open it again would be to court defeat.
Joyce, however, had not been the only one to whom last night had been a
disappointment. Beauclerk's determination to propose to her--to put his
fortune to the touch and to gain hers--failed. Either the fates were
against him, or else she herself was in a willful mood. She had refused
to leave the dancing room with him on any pretext whatever, unless to
gain the coolness of the crowded hall outside, or the still more
inhabited supper room.
He was not dismayed, however, and there was no need to do things
precipitately. There was plenty of time. There could be no doubt about
the fact that she preferred him to any of the other men of her
acquaintance; he had discovered that she had refused Dysart not only
once, but twice. This he had drawn out of Isabel by a mild and
apparently meaningless but nevertheless incessant and abstruse
cross-examination. Naturally! He could see at once the reason for that.
No girl who had been once honored by his attentions could possibly give
her heart to another. No girl ever yet refused an honest offer unless
her mind was filled with the image of another fellow. Mr. Beauclerk
found no difficulty about placing "the other fellow" in this case.
Norman Beauclerk was his name! What woman in her senses would prefer
that tiresome Dysart with his "downright honesty" business so gloomily
developed, to him, Beauclerk? Answer? Not one.
Well, she shall be rewarded now, dear little girl! He will make her
happy for life by laying his name and prospective fortune at her feet.
To-day he will end his happy bachelor state and sacrifice himself on the
altar of love.
Thus resolved, he walks up through the lands of the Court, through the
valley filled with opening fronds of ferns, and through the spinney
beyond that again, until he comes to where the Monktons live. The house
seems very silent. Knocking at the door, the maid comes to tell him that
Mr. and Mrs. Monkton and the children are out, but that Miss Kavanagh is
within.
Happy circumstance! Surely the fates favor him. They always have, by the
by--sure sign that he is deserving of good luck.
Thanks. Miss Kavanagh, then. His compliments, and hopes that she is not
too fatigued to receive him.
The maid, having shown him into the drawing-room, retires with the
message, and presently the sound of little high-heeled shoes crossing
the hall tells him that Joyce is approaching. His heart beats high--not
immoderately high. To be uncertain is to be none the less unnerved--but
there is no uncertainty about his wooing. Still it pleases him to know
that in spite of her fatigue she could not bring herself to deny herself
to him.
"Ah! How good of you!" says he as she enters, meeting her with both
hands outstretched. "I feared the visit was too early! A very _bêtise_
on my part--but you are the soul of kindness always."
"Early!" says Joyce, with a little laugh. "Why you might have found me
chasing the children round the garden three hours ago. Providentially,"
giving him one hand, the ordinary one, and ignoring his other, "their
father and mother were bound to go to Tisdown this morning or I should
have been dead long before this."
"Ah!" says Beauclerk. And then with increasing tenderness. "So glad they
were removed; it would have been too much for you, wouldn't it?"
"Yes--I dare say--on the whole, I believe I don't mind them," says Miss
Kavanagh. "Well--and what about last night? It was delightful, wasn't
it?" Secretly she sighs heavily, as she makes this most untruthful
assertion.
"Ah! Was it?" asks he. "I did not find it so. How could I when you were
so unkind to me?"
"I! Oh, no. Oh, surely not!" says she anxiously. There is no touch of
the coquetry that might be about this answer had it been given to a man
better liked. A slow soft color has crept into her cheeks, born of the
knowledge that she had got out of several dances with him. But he,
seeing it, gives it another, a more flattering meaning to his own self
love.
"Can you deny it?" asks he, changing his seat so as to get nearer to
her. "Joyce!" He leans toward her. "May I speak at last? Last night I
was foiled in my purpose. It is difficult to say all that is in one's
heart at a public affair of that kind, but now--now----"
Miss Kavanagh has sprung to her feet.
"No! Don't, don't!" she says earnestly. "I tell you--I beg you--I warn
you----" She pauses, as if not knowing what else to say, and raises her
pretty hands as if to enforce her words.
"Shy, delightfully shy!" says Beauclerk to himself. He goes quickly up
to her with all the noble air of the conqueror, and seizing one of her
trembling hands holds it in his own.
"Hear me!" he says with an amused toleration for her girlish _mauvaise
honte_. "It is only such a little thing I have to say to you, but yet it
means a great deal to me--and to you, I hope. I love you, Joyce. I have
come here to-day to ask you to be my wife."
"I told you not to speak," says she. She has grown very white now. "I
warned you! It is no use--no use, indeed."
"I have startled you," says Beauclerk, still disbelieving, yet somehow
loosening the clasp on her hand. "You did not expect, perhaps, that I
should have spoken to-day, and yet----"
"No. It was not that," says Miss Kavanagh, slowly. "I knew you would
speak--I thought last night would have been the time, but I managed to
avoid it then, and now----"
"Well?"
"I thought it better to get it over," says she, gently. She stops as if
struck by something, and heavy tears rush to her eyes. Ah! she had told
another very much the same as that. But she had not meant it then--and
yet had been believed--and now, when she does mean it, she is not
believed. Oh! if the cases might be reversed!
Beauclerk, however, mistakes the cause of the tears.
"It--get what over?" demands he, smiling.
"This misunderstanding."
"Ah, yes--that! I am afraid,"--he leans more closely toward her,--"I
have often been afraid that you have not quite read me as I ought to be
read."
"Oh, I have read you," says she, with a little gesture of her head, half
confused, half mournful.
"But not rightly, perhaps. There have been moments when I fear you may
have misjudged me----"
"Not one," says she quickly. "Mr. Beauclerk, if I might implore you not
to say another word----"
"Only one more," pleads he, coming up smiling as usual. "Just one,
Joyce--let me say my last word; it may make all the difference in the
world between you and me now. I love you--nay, hear me!"
She has risen, and he, rising too, takes possession of both her hands.
"I have come here to-day to ask you to be my wife; you know that
already--but you do not know how I have worshiped you all these dreary
months, and how I have kept silent--for your sake."
"And for 'my sake' why do you speak now?" asks she. She has withdrawn
her hands from his. "What have you to offer me now that you had not a
year ago?"
After all, it is a great thing to be an accomplished liar. It sticks to
Beauclerk now.
"Why! Haven't you heard?" asks he, lifting astonished brows.
"I have heard nothing!"
"Not of my coming appointment? At least"--modestly--"of my chance of
it?"
"No. Nothing, nothing. And even if I had, it would make no difference. I
beg you to understand once for all, Mr. Beauclerk, that I cannot listen
to you."
"Not now, perhaps. I have been very sudden----"
"No, never, never."
"Are you telling me that you refuse me?" asks he, looking at her with a
rather strange expression in his eyes.
"I am sorry you put it that way," returns she, faintly.
"I don't believe you know what you are doing," cries he, losing his
self-control for once in his life. "You will regret this. For a moment
of spite, of ill-temper, you----"
"Why should I be ill-tempered about anything that concerns you and me?"
says she, very gently still. She has grown even whiter, however, and has
lifted her head so that her large eyes are directed straight to his.
Something in the calm severity of her look chills him.
"Ah! you know best!" says he, viciously. The game is up--is thoroughly
played out. This he acknowledges to himself, and the knowledge does not
help to sweeten his temper. It helps him, however, to direct a last
shaft at her. Taking up his hat, he makes a movement to depart, and then
looks back at her. His overweening vanity is still alive.
"When you do regret it," says he--"and I believe that will be soon--it
will be too late. You had the goodness to give me a warning a few
minutes ago--I give you one now."
"I shall not regret it," says she, coolly.
"Not even when Dysart has sailed for India, and then 'the girl he left
behind him' is disconsolate?" asks he, with an insolent laugh. "Ha! that
touches you!"
It had touched her. She looks like a living thing stricken suddenly into
marble, as she stands gazing back at him, with her hands tightly
clenched before her. India! To India! And she had never heard.
Extreme anger, however, fights with her grief, and, overcoming it,
enables her to answer her adversary.
"I think you, too, will feel regret," says she, gravely, "when you look
back upon your conduct to me to-day."
There is such gentleness, such dignity, in her rebuke, and her beautiful
face is so full of a mute reproach, that all the good there is in
Beauclerk rises to the surface. He flings his hat upon a table near, and
himself at her feet.
"Forgive me!" cries he, in a stifled tone. "Have mercy on me, Joyce!--I
love you--I swear it! Do not cast me adrift! All I have said or done I
regret now! You said I should regret, and I do."
Something in his abasement disgusts the girl, instead of creating pity
in her breast. She shakes herself free of him by a sharp and horrified
movement.
"You must go home," she says calmly, yet with a frowning brow, "and you
must not come here again. I told, you it was all useless, but you would
not listen. No, no; not a word!" He has risen to his feet, and would
have advanced toward her, but she waves him from her with a sort of
troubled hatred in her face.
"You mean----" begins he, hoarsely.
"One thing--one thing only," feverishly--"that I hope I shall never see
you again!"