Punchinello's Vacations.
When one wants to see the great people who are to be seen nowhere else,
one goes to the celebrated White Sulphur Springs of Virginia; and, very
correctly supposing that there might be persons there who would like to
see him, Mr. PUNCHINELLO took a trip to the aforesaid springs. He found
it charming there. There was such a chance to study character. From the
parlors where Chief-Justice CHASE and General LEE were hob-nobbing over
apple-toddies and "peach-and-honey," to the cabins where the wards of
the nation were luxuriating in picturesque ease beneath the shade of
their newly-fledged angel of liberty, everything was instructive to the
well-balanced mind.
Here, too, in these fertile regions, were to be seen those exquisite
floral creations known as mint-juleps, the absence of which in our
Northern agricultural exhibitions can never be sufficiently deplored.
Witness the beauty of the design and the ingenious delicacy of the
execution of one of the humblest of the species.
From experience in the matter, Mr. P. is prepared to say, that not only
as an exponent of the beauties of nature, but as a drink, a mint-julep
is far superior to the water which gives thin resort its celebrity. Why
people persist in drinking that vilest of all water which is found at
the fashionable springs, Mr. P. cannot divine. If it is medicine you
want, you can get your drugs at any apothecary's, and he will mix them
in water for you for a very small sum extra. And the saving in expense
of travel, board and extras, will be enormous.
But in spite of this fact, there were plenty of distinguished-looking
people at the White Sulphur. Mr. P. didn't know them all, but he had no
doubt that one of them was General LEE; one PHIL. SHERIDAN; another
Prof. MAURY; another GOLDWIN SMITH; and others Governor WISE; HENRY WARD
BEECHER, WADE HAMPTON, WENDELL PHILLIPS, RAPHAEL SEMMES, and LUCRETIA
MOTT. One man, an incognito, excited Mr. P.'s curiosity. This personage
was generally found in the society of LEE, JOHNSTON, POPE, HAMPTON,
GREELEY, and those other fellows who did so much to injure the Union
cause during the war. One day Mr. P. accosted him. He was an oddity, and
perhaps it would be a good idea to put his picture in the paper.
"Sir!" said Mr. P., with that delicate consideration for which he is so
noted, "why do you pull your hat down over your eyes, and what is your
object in thus concealing your identity? Come sir! let us know what it
all means."
The _incognito_ glanced at Mr. P. with the corner of his eye, and
perceiving that he was in citizen's dress, pulled his hat still further
over his face.
"My business," said he, "is my own, but since the subject has been
broached, I may as well let _you_ know what it is."
"You know me, then?" said Mr. P.
"I do," replied the other, and proceeding with his recital, he said,
"You may have heard that a number of negro squatters were lately ejected
from a private estate in this State, after they had made the grounds to
blossom like the rose, and to bring forth like the herring."
"Yes, I heard that," said Mr. P.
"Well," said the other, "I happened to have some land near by, and I
invited those negroes to come and squat on my premises--"
"Intending to turn them off about blossoming time?" said Mr. P.
"Certainly, certainly," said the other, "and I am just waiting about
here until they put in a wheat crop on part of the land. I can then sell
that portion, right away."
"Well, Mr. BEN BUTLER," said Mr. P., "all that is easily understood, now
that I know who you are; but tell me this, why are you so careful to
cover your face when in the company of civilians or ladies, and yet go
about so freely among these ex-Confederate officers?"
"Oh," said the other, "you see I don't want to be known down here, and
some of the women or old men might remember my face. There's no danger
of any of the soldiers recognizing me, you know."
"Oh, no," cried Mr. P. "None in the world, sir."
"And besides," said the modest BUTLER, "it's too late now for me to be
spooning around among the women."
"That's so," said Mr. P. "Good-bye, BENJAMIN. Any news from Dominica?"
"None at all," said the other, "and I don't care if there never is. I am
opposed to that annexation scheme now."
"Sold your claims?" said Mr. P. The incognito winked and departed.
That evening at supper Mr. P. remarked that his biscuits were rather
hard, and he blandly requested a waiter to take one of them outside and
crack it. The elder PEYTON, who runs the hotel, overheard Mr. P.'s
remark, and stepping up to him, said:
"Sir, you should not be so particular about your food. What you pay me,
while you stay at my place, is my charge for the water you drink. The
food and lodging I throw in, gratis."
Mr. P. arose.
"Mr. PEYTON," said he, "when I was quite a little boy, my father, making
the tour of America, brought me here, and I distinctly remember your
making that remark to him. Since then many of my friends have visited
the White Sulphur, and you invariably made the same remark to them. Is
there no way to escape the venerable joke?"
The gentle PEYTON made no answer, but walked away, and after supper, one
of the boarders took Mr. P. aside and urged him to excuse their host, as
he was obliged to make the joke in question to every guest. The
obligation was in his lease.
So the matter blew over.
Reflecting, however, that if he had to pay so much for the water, that
he had better drink a little, Mr. P. went down to the spring to see what
could be done. On the way, he met Uncle AARON, formerly one of
WASHINGTON'S body-servants. The venerable patriarch touched his hat, and
Mr. P., hoping from such great age to gain a little wisdom, propounded
the following questions:
"Uncle, is this water good for the bile?"
"Oh, lor! no, mah'sr! Dat dar water 'ud jis spile anything you biled in
it. Make it taste of rotten eggs, for all the world, sir! 'Deed it
would.'
"But what I want to know," said Mr. P., "is why the people drink it."
"Lor' bless you, mah'sr! Dis here chile kin tell you dat. Ye see de
gem'men from de Norf dey drinks it bekase they eat so much cold wheat
bread. Allers makes 'em sick, sir."
"And why do the Southerners drink it?"
"Wal, mah'sr, you see dey eats so much hot wheat bread, and it don't
agree wid 'em, no how."
"But how about the colored people? I have seen them drinking it,
frequently," said Mr. P.
"Oh, lor, mah'sr, how you is a askin' questions! Don't you know dat de
colored folks hab to drink it bekase dey don't get no wheat bread at
all?"
Mr. P. heard no better philosophy than this on the subject while he
remained at the White Sulphur. When he left, he brought a couple of
gallons of the water with him, and intends keeping it in the
water-cooler in his office, for loungers.
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