JOHN BROWN’S LETTERS.
Dear Sir,—We are specialists in pedigrees, family crests, and armorial
bearings. Since the raising of the New Armies we have furnished no
fewer than 25,385 officers with Family Trees and correct Escutcheons.
We have innumerable requests daily for similar services.
The success of our scheme has been most gratifying. Hundreds of our
clients have secured Staff Appointments and married society ladies
through our labours.
We have now decided to open our field to include all Military Cadets,
and would draw your attention to the importance of your name (Brown)
and its ancestral greatness.
Our work is divided into various periods. For example, a Family Tree
dating to the Norman Period costs £5, 5s. 0d.; the Tudor Period, £4,
4s. 0d.; Stewart Period, £3, 3s. 0d.; and the Lloyd George Period, 2s.
6d.
We have discovered that your ancestor, Harold de Vere Browne, landed
at Hastings as an Esquire to the Duc de Polonski, a warrior in the
service of William the Conqueror.
We shall be pleased to complete your genealogical tree.
TERMS, CASH.
Yours respectfully,
DODGEM & DODGEM,
Pedigree Merchants.
* * * * *
DEAR SIR,—May we draw your attention to the use of our Bureau as a
means of meeting desirable and highly recommended ladies with a view to
matrimony? In the past year we have successfully negotiated over three
hundred happy unions between officers and our clients. At present we
have the following on our lists:
(1) Society Lady, young, beautiful, no means, but willing to meet a
gentleman with £10,000 a year.
(2) Widow, middle class, age 40, income £150, desires to meet quiet,
respectable young man.
(3) Actress, charming and beautiful, desires to wed wealthy man who
does not object to visitors.
(4) Barmaid, 25, good–looking, capital £50, wishes to marry
Sergeant–Major (Life Guards preferred).
(5) Cook, plain but honest, capital £25, would like to meet widower,
_not necessarily a teetotaler_.
These are just a few of our clients. Should you be interested, we shall
be pleased to arrange an interview, or to send photos prior to the
meeting.
Interview, £1. Successful Contract, £10.
TERMS—SPOT CASH.
Yours truly,
LENSKY & TROTIN,
Matrimonial Agency, Ltd.
* * * * *
DEAR SIR,—We beg to enclose our catalogue, patterns, and book of
letters from satisfied clients. We have supplied uniforms to Raisuli,
Li Hung Chang, and King Dinizulu.
Our stock is the finest in town. Cut excellent, and finish superb. _We
are the people._
Owing to officers’ accounts being ‘overdrawn,’ our terms are CASH WITH
ORDER.—
Yours truly,
DO–ALL & DO–EM,
Military Tailors.
* * * * *
VILLA PETITE,
WASHOUT–ON–SEA.
DEAR SIR,—My sister and I are two well–known society ladies, anxious to
help our country. Since 1914 we have made it our duty to look after
canaries and pet–birds belonging to Officers of the Old Army. The
high cost of feeding–stuffs has, however, compelled us to appeal for
subscriptions in this great work.
We have, therefore, decided to make our aim ONE MILLION SIXPENCES.
_Your_ sixpence will be gratefully accepted.— Yours sincerely, MAUDE
SLIPPEM.
_P.S._—Please send stamped addressed envelope for your receipt.
* * * * *
RECRUITING OFFICE,
SLOWTOWN, LANCS.
JOHN BROWN,—You are hereby instructed to report for Army Service on May
24th. As this is the seventh notice sent you, your failure to comply
will entail a warrant for your arrest.
JOHN MUDDLE–MEN, _Lieut._,
_Recruiting Officer_.
* * * * *
RUSTIC MANOR,
BERKS.
MY DEAREST BOY,—I have been worrying a lot about you since the rainy
weather started. I hope your boots are not letting in, and that you
have not got a cold. I wired Harrods to–day to send you a Chest–Warmer,
felt soles, and a box of Gregory Powder.
I am glad to hear that you have got a clergyman in your hut, and that
you go with him so often to Communion. And I am sure you will not waste
your leisure hours with those brainless girls who are always luring
young men into wicked paths.
The rector called to–day, and I asked him what books I should send you.
He suggested _Good Words_, _Life of David Livingstone_, and the _Parish
Magazine_. I have sent them off.
I was quite shocked to hear you had a Radical in your hut. I didn’t
know Radicals got commissions. There must be corruption somewhere, and
I am going to write to _The Times_.
When do you expect to get a Brigade?
I think that is all just now. Oh, I forgot. Take a spoonful of the
Gregory’s every morning before breakfast. Your dear father did that for
twenty years.
Lots of love to you, my own dear boy, from YOUR LOVING MOTHER.
* * * * *
SWEETVILLE.
MY DEAREST JOHNNIE,—Why have you stayed away so long? Is it because
I had to entertain my two Australian friends? Surely that is
unreasonable. Now, I am not so jealous as you are. For example, Marjory
Clarke and her sister Hilda have told me of the interesting afternoon
you all had together in the picture–house. I was so pleased to hear
you were in such good company. But, a week later, I was so sorry to
learn that you and Beefy had been silly again, sporting about with two
low–class girls in the local hotel. You are such a puzzle. Yet I can’t
help liking you. Do come over on Saturday! There’s a good boy!—Your
loving
ADELA.