Could I give up this? If I had to choose between losing Richard and
losing this? (I suppose it would be generally considered that I _had_
lost Richard.) If I had had to choose seven years ago, before I knew,
I'd have chosen Richard; I couldn't have helped myself. But if I had
to choose now--knowing what reality is--between losing Richard in the
way I have lost him and losing reality, absolutely and for ever, losing,
absolutely and for ever, my real self, knowing that I'd lost it?...
If there's anything in it at all, losing my real self would be losing
Richard, losing Richard's real self absolutely and for ever. Knowing
reality is knowing that you can't lose it. That or nothing.