_Undershell (to himself)._ Singularly attractive face this girl has; so
piquant and so refined! I can't help fancying she is studying me under
her eyelashes. She has remarkably bright eyes. Can she be interested in
me? does she expect me to talk to her? There are only she and I--but no,
just now I would rather be alone with my thoughts. This MAISIE MULL whom
I shall meet so soon; what is _she_ like, I wonder? I presume she is
unmarried. If I may judge from her artless little letter, she is young
and enthusiastic, and she is a passionate admirer of my verse; she is
longing to meet me. I suppose some men's vanity would be flattered by a
tribute like that. I think I must have none; for it leaves me strangely
cold. I did not even reply; it struck me that it would be difficult to
do so with any dignity, and she didn't tell me where to write to....
After all, how do I know that this will not end--like everything
else--in disillusion? Will not such crude girlish adoration pall upon me
in time? If she were exceptionally lovely; or say, even as charming as
this fair fellow-passenger of mine--why then, to be sure--but no,
something warns me that that is not to be. I shall find her plain,
sandy, freckled; she will render me ridiculous by her undiscriminating
gush.... Yes, I feel my heart sink more and more at the prospect of this
visit. Ah me!
[_He sighs heavily._
_His Fellow Passenger (to herself)._ It's too silly to be sitting here
like a pair of images, considering that----(_Aloud._) I hope you aren't
feeling unwell?
_Und._ Thank you, no, not unwell. I was merely thinking.
_His Fellow P._ You don't seem very cheerful over it, I must say. I've
no wish to be inquisitive, but perhaps you're feeling a little
lowspirited about the place you're going to?
_Und._ I--I must confess I am rather dreading the prospect. How
wonderful that you should have guessed it!
_His Fellow P._ Oh, I've been through it myself. I'm just the same when
_I_ go down to a new place; feel a sort of sinking, you know, as if the
people were sure to be disagreeable, and I should never get on with
them.
_Und. Exactly_ my own sensations! If I could only be sure of finding
_one_ kindred spirit, one soul who would help and understand me. But I
daren't let myself hope even for that!
_His Fellow P._ Well, I wouldn't judge beforehand. The chances are
there'll be _somebody_ you can take to.
_Und. (to himself)._ What sympathy! What bright, cheerful common sense!
(_Aloud._) Do you know, you encourage me more than you can possibly
imagine!
_His Fellow P. (retreating)._ Oh, if you are going to take my remarks
like _that_, I shall be afraid to go on talking to you!
_Und. (with pathos)._ Don't--_don't_ be afraid to talk to me! If you
only knew the comfort you give! I have found life very sad, very
solitary. And true sympathy is so rare, so refreshing. I--I fear such an
appeal from a stranger may seem a little startling; it is true that
hitherto we have only exchanged a very few sentences; and yet already I
feel that we have something--much--in common. You can't be so cruel as
to let all intimacy cease here--it is quite tantalising enough that it
must end so soon. A very few more minutes, and this brief episode will
be only a memory; I shall have left the little green oasis far behind
me, and be facing the dreary desert once more--alone!
_His Fellow P. (laughing)._ Well, of all the uncomplimentary things! As
it happens, though, "the little green oasis"--as you're kind enough to
call me--_won't_ be left behind; not if it's aware of it! I think I
heard your friend mention Wyvern Court! Well, that's where _I_'m going.
_Und. (excitedly)._ You--_you_ are going to Wyvern Court! Why, then, you
must be----
[_He checks himself._
_His Fellow P._ What were you going to say; _what_ must I be?
_Und. (to himself)._ There is no doubt about it; bright, independent
girl; gloves a trifle worn; travels second-class for economy; it must be
Miss MULL herself; her letter mentioned Lady CULVERIN as her aunt. A
poor relation, probably. She doesn't suspect that I am----I won't reveal
myself just yet; better let it dawn upon her gradually. (_Aloud._) Why,
I was only about to say, why then you must be going to the same house as
I am. How extremely fortunate a coincidence!
_His Fellow P._ We shall see. (_To herself._) What a funny little man;
such a flowery way of talking for a footman. Oh, but I forgot; he said
he _wasn't_ going to wear livery. Well, he _would_ look a sight in it!
* * * * *
[Illustration: PREVENTION BETTER THAN CURE.
"CAN YOU LET ME HAVE A BULLET-PROOF COAT FOR MY LITTLE DOG? MY NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBOUR HAS THREATENED TO SHOOT HIM FOR BARKING!"]
* * * * *
WHERE TO SEND A YOUNG HORSE TO BE WELL BROKEN IN FOR RIDING.--Evidently
to the "Hackney Training Schools."
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE PERSONAL EQUATION.
"YOU'RE GOING TO DRIVE MY LADY TO REGENT STREET, AREN'T YOU, DICKON?"
"YES. IT'S HALL VERY WELL FOR _'ER LADYSHIP_ TO GO ABOUT IN A THING
LIKE THIS! SHE HAIN'T KNOWN IN THE WEST END. _HI HAM!_"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "EVICTED TENANTS."
LOCAL VETO BILL. "ARE WE TO HAVE NO 'COMPENSATION FOR DISTURBANCE'?"
H-RC-RT. "YOU'LL SEE!--RE-INSTATEMENT!--NEXT SESSION!!"
[_Exeunt Bills, dejectedly._]
* * * * *
"EVICTED TENANTS."
["It is impracticable to proceed in the present Session with
some of the great measures to which the Government is pledged,
such, for example, as that relating to the Church in Wales, the
Registration Bill, and the Local Veto Bill."--_Sir William
Harcourt._
_Little Local Veto, loquitur:_--
Oh, exactly! Just what I expected! And after such volumes of talk!
My prospects you told me were brilliant, and here it all ends--in
a baulk!
O, won't I just work up Sir WILFRID, and won't I just wake Mister
CAINE?
But there, you can't trust _anybody_, these times, that's
exceedingly plain.
And _you_ too, my own bringer-up, to turn _me_ out of house and of
home!
Oho, you unnatural parent! And where shall we wanderers roam--
Poor Taffy, and young (Registration) Bill--look at him
limping!--and Me?
And the other ones tucked up inside, and especially that impudent
Three,
The Irish, the Scotch, and the London boys, whom you so favour and
pet,
Are laughing at us from the window. But, drat them, their turn may
come yet.
They may have to turn out, after all! BILLY BUDGET of course is
all right,
For you fought for your favourite che-ild, and, by Jingo, it _has_
been a fight!
But what have _I_ done to be rounded on? Call yourself boss of the
place?
Why, the BARTLEYS, and BOWLESES, and BOLTONS and BYRNES simply
laugh in your face!
What use to be landlord at all if you can't choose your tenants?
Oh my!
That odious Bung--one more B!--has the laugh of me still! I could
cry--
But I _won't_. I will kick! I'm not meek, like those other two
poor little BILLS;
Look, how limp and dejected they go, though against their poor
dear little wills!
But _I_ am not going to be put upon. I'll make it awkward all round.
You won't treat me so any more; you won't "chuck" me again, I'll
be bound.
And what Compensation have I, for Disturbance? Eh! what's that you
say?
"All right?"--"Reinstatement--next year?"--"Pass away, my dears,
please, pass away?"--
Ah! it's all very fine to look pleasant and promise fair
things--at the door;
But that's regular constable blarney, old boy, and _you've done it
before_!
Meanwhile we're Evicted, worse luck! like the poor Irish Tenants
whose case
Those busy B's muster to fight over. Ah! you put on a bold face,
But _we_ ain't the only Pill Garlics! No; some of 'em still left
inside
Will yet join us, out in the cold, as will p'raps be a pill to
their pride!
[_Exit with other Bills._
* * * * *
THE COLONEL AND THE QUIVER.--Our own Colonel SAUNDERSON, M.P., was never
better at his best than when, in the debate last Thursday night, he
said, "If the Bill passes, a quiver of horror will run through every
tenant, &c., &c." Of course the gallant Colonel meant "arrow" or "dart,"
not "quiver." A dart or an arrow will run through a person, piercing him
in front, and reappearing at back. But "quiver" doesn't do this sort of
thing. An arrow so transfixing a body may make it quiver--but this is
another matter. More power to the quivering elbow of the gallant
Colonel!
* * * * *
LA FEMME DE CLAUDE.
When lovely woman stoops to folly,
You'll find, according to DUMAS,
One certain cure for melancholy:--
_Tue-la!_
French law, that damns you in the letter,
In spirit _change tout cela_;
They always manage matters better
_Là-bas._
These are the lines to play the man on;
Take her defenceless, cry "_Holà!_"
And trotting out the nimble cannon,
_Tue-la!_
Or take for choice the common cartridge;
Pop goes _le p'tit fusil, comme ça_!
You bag her neatly like a partridge
_Là-bas._
"_L'Homme-Femme_" may haunt the bosom British;
_Là France_ goes trolling "_Ça ira!_"
And waives the question with a skittish
"_Tue-la!_"
No mutual recriminations,
No counterplea, _et cetera_;
One solves too simply these equations
_Là-bas._
So runs the play. We saw you foot it
Featly therein, _la belle Sara!_
You were all there, or, so to put it,
_Toute là._
And now you go, and, if you'll let us,
Reluctantly we say "Ta-ta!"
Come back again, and don't forget us
_Là-bas._
* * * * *
THE NEW MOTTO (_by our own Irishman_).--England expects every man this
day to pay his own Death Duty.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A ROYAL PROGRESS.
SCENE--_Crossing in Rotten Row during the height of the Season. Two
Policemen stopping Riders. Little Girl, wheeling p'ram., with Baby
inside, about to cross._
_Mary Hanne._ "LOR', IT'S JUS' AS IF WE WOS THE QUEEN!"]
* * * * *
AIRS RESUMPTIVE.
I.--THE GARDEN OF SLOTH.
[Illustration: A]t the Court of the Earl, by the meeting of ways,
Man planted a garden, a garden that pays;
In the thick of the crowd, where they tread on your corn,
It is there that a singular plant has been born.
Hot days of desire and cool nights of disgust,
They are mine when its bud keeps refusing to bust.
O, Wheel of my weal! I am waiting forlorn,
I am waiting, I say, with a crush on my corn.
In the "Garden of London" where night-lights are spread,
I watch Living Pictures, as old as the dead;
While a Tow-er Gigantic stands gruesome and glum,
By the shadow of Shows that are certain to come.
Will _they_ shoot as _I_ shoot on sixpenny slides?
Will _they_ want as _I_ want rotatory rides?
O, plant of a plant! I would barter my skin
For the chance of Ixion his regular spin!
* * * * *
By Our Schoolboy.
_Q._ ([Greek: a]) Explain the allusion "Quorum Pars." ([Greek: b]) Give
reference.
_R._ "Quorum" is a bench of magistrates who must be all Fathers of
Families, or Pa's. Hence the expression (which is a kind of Latin pun)
"Quorum Pars." ([Greek: b]) The references are numerous, and all highly
respectable.
* * * * *
FOR ARMS OR ALMS?
An advertisement appears in a recent number of the _Athenæum_, headed
"Devon Volunteer Commemoration," in which "Drawings are invited for a
memorial of the fact that the Volunteer Movement of 1852 originated in
Devonshire." According to the regulations, "Drawings must be accompanied
by tenders for carrying out the work." Moreover, "the total cost,
including all charges for designing, carrying out, superintending, and
erecting the work, and surrounding the same with a suitable iron
railing, must not exceed £200." Now this is really a very fair sum, and
to assist one of our readers to win the prize, we allot the money in
appropriate items. Of course we can only give a rough estimate, but it
should be near enough to suit its purpose.
COST OF THE DEVON VOLUNTEER COMMEMORATION MEMORIAL.
Design (being a sovereign more than the
sum offered for a second prize) 6 0 0
Stone 10 0 0
Engraving inscription 30 0 0
Gilding the names of the Committee, &c.,
engaged in the work 50 0 0
Designer's charge for carrying out,
superintending and erecting work 4 0 0
Balance (to be used for surrounding
memorial "with a suitable iron railing") 100 0 0
-------
£200 0 0
And now, having shown how the thing may be done, we hope that
the best man may win. It is pleasant to find Art so greatly
appreciated in Devonshire--a county which apparently is as rich and
as generous as its own cream!
* * * * *
POST PRANDIAL.--If the geraniums and roses in my LOUISA'S garden could
speak, what celebrated dinner-giver would they name?--LOO! CULL US!
* * * * *
FAREWELL TO McGLADSTONE.
(_From the Heart of Midlothian._)
["I must here add, in explicit terms, the few decisive words to
which, after all that has happened, I feel a natural reluctance
to give utterance. It is not my intention, at the age I have now
reached, to ask re-election (for Midlothian) when the present
Parliament shall be dissolved."--_Mr. Gladstone's Farewell
Letter to Midlothian._]
[Illustration: AIR--"_Farewell to Mackenzie._"]
Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of the North!
Midlothian remembers when first setting forth,
The Chieftain she's mourning his course here began,
Launching forth on wild billows his bark like a man,
And stirring all hearts with his eloquent voice.--
Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice!
O swift was his galley, and hardy his crew,
Her Captain was skilful, her mariners true.
In danger undaunted, unwearied by toil,
Though the storms might arise, and the billows might boil,
In the wind and the warfare _he_ seemed to rejoice.--
Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice!
Blow bland on his parting, thou sweet southland gale!
Like the sighs of his sailors breathe soft on his sail;
Be prolong'd as regret that his vassals must know,
Be fair as their faith, and sincere as their woe:
Be so soft, and so fair, and so friendly of voice,
Wafting homeward MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice!
He was pilot experienced, and trusty, and wise,
To measure the seas, and to study the skies;
He would hoist all her canvas on Victory's tack,
Kind Heaven crowd it fuller when wafting him back
To his home in far Hawarden, where hearts will rejoice
To welcome MCGLADSTONE, the Chief of our choice.
_Midlothian no more!_ 'Tis a sorrowful cry,
And we gaze on the waves, and we glance at the sky;
We shall long, when clouds darken and wild waves o'erwhelm,
For his voice through the gale, for his hand on the helm.
Now we shout through the shadows, with tears in our voice:
Farewell to MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice!
_Midlothian no more!_ Faith, we fancy we hear
The cry of the Chieftain who never knew fear,
Stout still through its sadness, "Keep up the good fight!
Let Midlothian, let Scotland, still stand for the Right!"
The last burden brave of the valorous voice
Of dauntless MCGLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice!
_Midlothian no more!_ In despite, Chief, of all,
The Heart of Midlothian responds to your call.
Its echoes shall live, though no longer your form
Shall steer us to sunshine, or cheer us in storm.
Then farewell to the presence, but not to the voice
Of "Auld WULLIE" GLADSTONE, great Chief of our choice!
* * * * *
THE COPPERATION AT WINSER.
Oh, didn't the grand old Copperation have a grand treat last week at
Winser! Her grashus Majesty the QUEEN asked 'em all down to her butiful
Pallace to hear the sollem Recorder read to her their joyful feelings at
the birth of her dear little Great Grand Son! And then, to the great joy
of all on 'em, Her MAJESTY read such a delishus arnser as amost brort
tears to the eyes of some of the young uns of the Party, and sent 'em
away to the butiful Lunshon Room to refresh exhorsted natur with a
delicate Lunch, and sum exkisit Madeary, such as King GEORGE THE FOURTH
is said to have saved xpressly for simmilar glorius ocasions.
Don't let it be supposed as I wants peeple to beleeve as I was there;
but I had the hole account given by one as was, and I ain't ixagerated
it not a bit.
There is a sertain Body of gents in London as ewidently wonts to play
fust fiddel in the guvernment of our grand old City, but I havent heard
of their being asked down to Winser Carsel to congratulate her Most
Grayshus MAGESTY on the late appy ewent. Should they be so I should most
suttenly make a pint of seeing 'em all start, if it were only out of
curiosity to see what sort of State Mazerine Gownds they would all wear!
I had allmost forgot to menshun that the two Sherryffs, and the Chairman
of the big Tower Bridge, was all benighted, and came out of the presents
Chamber smiling like ancient Cherubs. I am told as how as the
Copperation was so werry much delited with their royal wisit to royal
Winser, that they has been and passed a werry similer wote of thanks to
the Dook and Dutchess of YORK, and arsked them to receeve 'em jest the
same as the QUEEN did, but they is both werry sorry to say, that their
Pallis not being near so big as Her MAJESTY'S, they hopes as only a
small Deppytation of Aldermen and C. C.'s will attend.
Oh won't there be jest a rush for places, as every one on 'em is
naterally anxious to show his loyelty on so hinteresting an ocasion, tho
of course they carnt expec to have heverything exacly the same as they
had at Royel Winser.
ROBERT.
* * * * *
OPERA NOTES.
_Tuesday, July 17._--"The opera season will terminate July 30." To-night
VERDI'S opera of _Aïda_, "with the dotlets on the _i_." First appearance
of Madame ADINI, a spacious _prima donna_ who amply fills the part.
GIULIA RAVOGLI an excellent _Amneris_. Opera apparently not particularly
attractive, or more powerful attractions elsewhere.
_Saturday, 21._--_Pagliacci_ followed by new opera entitled _The Lady of
Longford_, though it would have been more polite had the Pagliacci
allowed the Lady to precede them. But Pagliacci will be Pagliacci. _The
Lady_'s Librettists are Sir DRURIOLANUS POETICUS and Mr. F. E.
WEATHERLY. The music is by EMIL BACH. The Gentlemen of Longford are
represented by Messrs. ALVAREZ and EDOUARD DE RESZKE, while _the_ Lady,
the big lady, is EMMA EAMES--"quite the lady"--and the little lady is
EVELYN HUGHES. This new Lady turns out to be our old friend the one-act
drama by TOM TAYLOR entitled _A Sheep in Wolf's Clothing_, set to music,
the comic characters being omitted, and the end made tragic instead of
happy. The music does not entitle BACH to take a front seat. EMMA EAMES
excellent; FANNY HUGHES funny; ALVAREZ good; JEAN DE RESZKE first-rate
all-round-head Colonel, but more like a Cathedral than a Kirk. Composer
and Librettists complimented; MANCINELLI conducted; house full. General
satisfaction.
* * * * *
HARD CASE OF "EVICTED TENANTS" IN DRURY LANE.--At a general assembly of
the Theatre Royal Drury Lane Company of Proprietors last Wednesday, Mr.
CHITTY is reported to have observed that "after putting £300,000 into
the building without receiving a farthing in return, they were now to
have their money confiscated by the law, but in such circumstances as
one would not have expected from a nobleman in the Duke of BEDFORD'S
position." Ahem! Why did not Sir DRURIOLANUS arise and, remembering the
_Barber of Seville_, sing "CHITTY, CHITTY, _piano! piano!_" But
naturally the Drury Laneites must feel a bit hurt.
* * * * *
THE "GRAND NATIONAL"
TRUST.
A Meeting has recently taken place at Grosvenor House to establish a
National Trust, the idea being to preserve places of historic interest
and natural beauty. Announced at the meeting that already a beautiful
cliff had been promised by a lady. We understand the following promises
have also been received:--
_The Duke of W-stm-nst-r._--A very handsome ground-rent. Intended to
support and sustain beautiful cliffs, &c.
_The Duke of D-v-nsh-re._--Ch-tsw-rth, which, owing to recent
legislation, he can no longer afford to keep up. Intends to take a small
cottage, it is believed, at some inexpensive town on the East Coast.
Several Distressed Dukes have also promised, on their death, to leave
their estates to the Trust.
_A Lover of Ozone._--A particularly bracing breeze. To be dedicated to
the public for ever.
_The London County Council._--The Shaftesbury Fountain. The L. C. C., we
understand, welcomes the prospect of handing over to the Trust the
responsibility attaching to this insoluble problem.
_A Hertfordshire Gentleman._--A thoroughly reliable right of way.
_Mr. Th-m-s B-ch-m._--A unique collection of signboards _in situ_. These
are placed in the midst of the most lovely natural scenery, and in
themselves will very soon, it is hoped, be of _historic_ interest.
_Sir Fr-d-r-ck P-ll-ck_ will arrange in every case to supply a good
title.
_Mr. Punch_ heartily commends so patriotic a scheme to his readers. Any
beautiful cliffs, ground-rents, rights of way, &c., sent to him at 85,
Fleet Street will immediately be forwarded to the proper quarter.
N.B.--It is just possible an exception to this rule might be made in the
case of ground-rents.
* * * * *
HOW IT IS DONE.
(_An Art-Recipe._)
[Illustration: QUID EST PICTURA?--VERITAS FALSA.
(Epictetus.)]
Take a lot of black triangles,
Some amorphous blobs of red;
Just a sprinkle of queer spangles,
An ill-drawn Medusa head;
Some red locks in Gorgon tangles,
And a scarlet sunshade, spread:
Take a "_portière_" quaint and spotty,
Take a turn-up nose or two;
The loose lips of one "gone dotty,"
A cheese-cutter chin, askew;
Pose like that of front-row "TOTTIE,"
Hat as worn by "COSTER LOO";
Take an hour-glass waist, in section,
Shoulders hunched up camel-wise;
Give a look of introspection
(Or a squint) to two black eyes;
Or a glance of quaint dejection,
Or a glare of wild surprise;
Slab and slop them all together
With a background of sheer sludge;
(Like a slum in foggy weather),
And this blend of scrawl and smudge
Vend as ART--in highest feather!--
Dupes in praise will blare and blether.
Honest _Burchells_ will cry--"FUDGE!!!"
* * * * *
A Demi-French Octave.
(_Picked up in a Dressing-room._)
My razor, you're a true _raseur_,
That is, you bore me badly!
You're blunt, you gash--_de tout mon coeur_
I _bless_ you wildly, madly!
_Vraiment, c'est vous qu' j'ai en horreur_
Each morn on rising sadly;
Were't not that shaving's _de rigueur_,
In turn I'd cut _you_ gladly!
* * *
IN VIEW OF HOLIDAYS. A HINT.--Of course if you're on pedestrian tours
bent--if you're a bicyclist you'll be still more bent--you cannot do
better than, as a pedestrian, get WALKER'S Maps. If you are going to
sail, or by steam, you are again referred to----"WALKER, London." There
is a good idea in these Maps which might be still further developed, and
that is not only to show the route and the manner of making your
journey, but by arrangement with the principal Steam-boat and Railway
Companies some sort of "itinerary" might be added to the Map, with
information as to the "means whereby," which to the toiler in search of
a brief holiday "by rail, by river, or by sea," and perhaps by all
three, would be most useful were it available as an almost
"instantaneous process" of reference.
* * *
BISLEY.
Pelt or drizzly,
Weather--_Bisley_!
* * *
FINANCIAL PROBLEM (_the effect of reading the Budget Debates_).--Why is
the Income-Tax so sharply felt? Because, disguise it as you may, it's a
case of tin-tax!
* * *
LONDON KNIGHT BY KNIGHT.--The SOLICITOR-GENERAL Knighted last Wednesday
at Windsor. Will BOB (the only name by which his many friends know him)
henceforth be known as "the Queen's Shilling"?
* * * * *
RANELAGH IN RAIN.
How sweet this road is, fringed by hedgerow elm,
Where peeps in May the hawthorn's snowy bud,
A fairy place that seems _Titania's_ realm!
By Jove, what mud!
How sweet this turf, as soft as finest moss!
Such "_gazon anglais_" we alone can get.
Oh hang it, no! I cannot walk across,
It's soaking wet!
How sweet that lake, where gentle eddies play!
But all around seems lake, through rainfall dim.
Why want a pond, when on dry (!) land to-day
We almost swim?
How sweet--to get a Hansom home again,
And leave this aguish, rheumatic damp!
I do not love thee, Ranelagh, in rain,
Beneath a gamp.
* * * * *
WHAT'S IN A NAME INDEED?
"Edward, Albert, Christian, George,
Andrew, Patrick, David,
Drink life's pleasures with free gorge!
From its pains be savèd!"
So said _Punch_ at the White Lodge,
His old optics glistening,
Sure such names ill-luck should dodge;
Sure such names no babe e'er bore,
Patron Saints! You've all the four
To bless the Royal Christening!
* * * * *
A COMPANY THAT OUGHT TO "FLOAT."--"The Cork Company."
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
_House of Commons, Monday, July 16._--The Blameless B. is translated
into the Breathless BARTLEY. Of eleven pages of Amendments to Budget
Bill standing for consideration when House met to-day, not less than
three contributed by this particular B. Embodied readjusted scale of
graduated taxation. Only objections to it presently stated by SQUIRE OF
MALWOOD: (1) It would necessitate total reconstruction of Bill (2)
resulting in loss of £643,000; (3) whole question had been thoroughly
threshed out in Committee. To raise it again at eleventh hour seemed too
much to ask even in connection with Budget Bill.
Nevertheless BARTLEY, not yet breathless, moved his multitudinous
Amendment. Resumed his seat with consciousness of man who had done his
duty. The SQUIRE would get up to answer him; debate would follow; at
least two hours would be pleasantly occupied. Instead of SQUIRE,
ATTORNEY-GENERAL rose. "Well," said BLAMELESS, throwing himself into
attitude of attention, "let's hear what he has to say."
Turned out to be exceedingly little. "Government scale has been attacked
and defended many times," said ATTORNEY-GENERAL. "I do not think it
necessary to defend it again; but," here he leaned on the table with
engaging look at the now BREATHLESS BARTLEY, "the hon. gentleman can
take a division if he thinks fit."
BARTLEY sat and audibly gasped. JOKIM gallantly protested against this
treatment of his hon. friend; threatened to move adjournment of debate.
PRINCE ARTHUR sent for; arrived almost as breathless as BARTLEY; thunder
boomed, lightning flashed round head of ATTORNEY-GENERAL, who is always
finding himself astonished. "The hon. and learned gentleman," said
PRINCE ARTHUR, with delightful assumption of anger, "has abused the
situation. The Opposition have no means of compelling him to talk sense,
but talk he must."
SQUIRE OF MALWOOD, who had fled before prospect of long speech from
BARTLEY, hastily brought back. Don't know where incident would have
ended had it not been for KENYON-SLANEY. Finding opening he slipped in.
Threw himself into easy oratorical attitude; proposed to consider
principle of graduation adopted in Bill. Would do so under three heads:
injustice to the poor, injustice to the middle-class, injustice to the
rich.
This too much even for Opposition. With groans of despair they rushed
into Division Lobby; BARTLEY'S scheme negatived by majority of 62.
_Business done._--Budget Bill passed Report stage.
_Wednesday._--ST. JOHN BRODRICK sitting on front Opposition Bench
through Committee of Supply on Army Estimates this afternoon, invested
neighbourhood with unwonted air of fashion. Not that there is, as a
rule, any lack of style on part of Leaders of Opposition regarded as a
body. Only something, _je ne sais quoi_, about BRODRICK that suggested
profoundest depths of POOLE. Couldn't help complimenting him on his turn
out.
"Evidently you spare no expense," I said; "though why even a millionaire
should wear an overcoat a day like this seems wicked waste of property.
Hope you are not growing desperate in anticipation of Death Duties;
spending your money recklessly so that HARCOURT may be disappointed
when, for taxing purposes, he comes to aggregate your property?"
[Illustration: "The Young Wales Party."]
"My dear boy," said BRODRICK, giving the overcoat a dexterous lift by
the lappels that added fresh grace to its fit at the back of the neck,
"you're out of it altogether. This is the thirteen-and-sixpenny coat
supplied to Tommy Atkins in which,--following the advice of Dr. JOHNSON,
wasn't it?--I, as I told the House the other day, took a walk down Bond
Street. The surtout underneath, which I will fully display when the
House gets a little fuller, cost seventeen-and-six net. You will observe
it is so made that you can button it across and so save a waistcoat. If
you must have a waistcoat, we can do it at eight-and-ninepence. As for
trousers, these cost me thirteen shillings." (Here he stretched out and
fondly regarded a manly leg.) "If I had taken a couple of pair, cut at
the same time you know, I could have had the two for 25_s._ I see your
eyes fixed on the boots. As you say, the shape of the foot may have
something to do with it. But apart from that, the article is equal to
what you pay thirty-five shillings for in Regent Street or Piccadilly.
Eleven-and-ninepence was the figure. Misfits, very popular with privates
newly joined, knock off the odd ninepence. Of course I don't wear this
suit every day. Can't afford that; put 'em on whenever House in
Committee on Army Supply or debate going forward on Army matters. It
encourages CAWMELL--BANNERMAN, you know; helps WOODALL in getting his
clothing vote; and, I believe, is rather liked by Tommy Atkins."
_Business done._--SQUIRE OF MALWOOD announces programme for remainder of
Session. A mere nothing. Only, as PRINCE ARTHUR says, in view of number
of Bills and their contentious character, more like what we are
accustomed to at beginning of Session, than to have dumped down in what
should be its last month.
_Thursday._--"JOSEPH," said the Member for SARK, dropping into one of
his tiresome didactic moods, "would do well in any circumstances.
Whether in Upper Egypt or Lower, he was sure to come to the top of the
well, however securely his brethren might have packed him in its lowest
depths. But, regarding him just now as he criticised the SQUIRE'S
arrangements for the Session, I could not help thinking what a loss the
auction-room has only partially survived by his turn into the field of
politics. If in early life, or even middle age, he had only taken to the
rostrum, the shade of the much over-rated ROBINS would have been dimmed
in glory. Observe how well he looks the part. See with what unconscious
effect he produces a stumpy piece of lead pencil, and looks round for
bids. Listen to the clear sharp notes of his voice. 'What shall we say,
gentlemen, for the Equalisation of Rates Bill? How many days will you
give for it? Name your own time, gentlemen. There is no reserve. Shall
we say six days? Does the tall, somewhat stout gentleman with a white
waistcoat, on the Treasury Bench, shake his head? Very well, we will say
four days. Going at four days;' and the pencil, scratching out six,
substitutes four. This may seem very easy when it's done; but it's art,
TOBY, even genius. If you think it's easy for a man discussing State
business, suddenly but completely to invest the high court of Parliament
with the tone and atmosphere of an auction-room, just reckon up how many
other men of first rank in public life could do it. Not to go further
afield, could PRINCE ARTHUR manage it, even after a week's training?
Very well; then don't minimise a successful effort because, thanks to
the commanding influence of native talent, its accomplishment seems easy
to a particular person."
_Business done._--HICKS-BEACH, complaining that Ministers have dropped a
large number of Bills for lack of time to pass them, and asserting that
the time remaining at their disposal for passing the poor balance is too
short, reduces it by three hours, in order that he and his friends may
lament the fact.
_Friday._--House heard with keen satisfaction that SZLUMPER is around
again. Not having seen in the newspapers any telegrams from him lately,
there was vague idea that he had succumbed to his exertions on occasion
of the happy event at White Lodge. Perhaps he was a little fatigued, for
SZLUMPER, in addition to being Mayor of Richmond, is almost human. No
man born of woman could with impunity fire off such a succession of
telegrams as on that memorable day SZLUMPER dealt out to his Sovereign,
the Heir Apparent to the Throne, the Crowned Heads of Europe, and his
ducal neighbours at the White Lodge. But on Royal Christening day
SZLUMPER was around again, with a little SZLUMPER carrying a bouquet of
flowers to be presented to the QUEEN, whilst SZLUMPER _père_, plumped on
his knees, welcomed his Sovereign within the gateway of ancient
Richmond.
"_Ah, ce_ SZLUMPER!" said SARK, "he delights me more and more. He
represents, if you think of it, the essence of our English social life.
He is part of the foundation of the British Constitution, which
everyone, especially those regarding it from a distance, regards as the
perfection of good government."
_Business done._--A dull night speechmaking on Irish Evicted Tenants
Bill.
* * * * *
OXFORD AND YALE.--(JULY 16.)
A very good fight! Come again to us, Yale!
We know a true Yank knows not how to spell "fail."
HICKOK and SHELDON can throw and can jump!
And e'en in the racing you made our lads pump
Come again, Yale, come again, and again;
Victors or vanquished such visits aren't vain.
One of these days you will probably nick us.
We don't crow when we lick; we won't cry when you lick us!
* * * * *
Rise, Sir!
"We are informed that the QUEEN has been pleased to confer the
honour of a Baronetcy on Dr. JOHN WILLIAMS, of Brook Street. Dr.
WILLIAMS is the Physician who attended the Duchess of
YORK."--_Daily Paper, July 16._
We congratulate Sir JOHN, who is now a Sur-geon in every sense of the
word.
Transcriber Notes:
Passages in italics were indicated by _underscores_.
Small caps were replaced with ALL CAPS.
Throughout the document, the oe ligature was replaced with "oe".
Throughout the dialogues, there were words used to mimic accents of the
speakers. Those words were retained as-is.
The illustrations have been moved so that they do not break up
paragraphs and so that they are next to the text they illustrate.
Errors in punctuations and inconsistent hyphenation were not corrected
unless otherwise noted.