the step-mother country, is at all like Father O'Tod, or that Slavery
in the remotest degree resembles a small black bottle; but interference
in the quarrels of married folks is apt to excite the liveliest enmity
of both parties, and two-against-one has been known to result quite
spiritedly therefrom.
Therefore, let the skiptail of Europe beware! for even I, an humble
historian and no warrior, am filled with that spirit of defiance to
everything across the Atlantic which might serve to inspire a
brigadier, the editor of an able morning journal, a fierce turkey-cock,
or any other type of matchless valor. One week ago, this American
breast of mine was wild for the immediate redemption of lovely Ireland,
by reason of the marvellous and triumphant capture of Paris by the
thrice-valiant Mackerel Brigade; and to-day such an accession of
national triumph stares all through the columns of our more stentorian
morning journals, that I demand the immediate disenthrallment from
foreign tyrants of Hungary, Poland, Venetia, Mexico, Canada, Jersey
City, and the Guano Islands.
Munchausen, my boy, has surrendered! That mirror of chivalry and
hollow-eyed wanderer in a forest of whiskers has yielded to his noble
desire for a piece--of something to eat, and gracefully permitted
himself and his command to be wooed from their guiding
star,--starvation.
Immediately after the unprecedented battle for Paris, and while yet the
agitated Miss P. Hen and divers enterprising political chaps who had
followed our troops were organizing a Republican caucus in the bar-room
of the captured capital, the unconquerable Mackerel Brigade pushed on
after the unseemly Confederacies, with a view to further carnage. Not a
stump of a tree was seen but it was at once taken for Mr. Davis
himself, and had the direful Orange County Howitzers concentrated upon
it; yet such dangers did not deter our venerable Mackerel boys from
their assigned pursuit, and ere long their glittering spectacles
surrounded a goodly swamp, wherein were perceptible the caitiff
Confederacies up to their chins in the sacred soil. With only their
heads above the mud, these sons of chivalry looked not unlike a vast
cabbage-patch romantically viewed by twilight; while far up the
vegetable vista glowed the eyes of Captain Munchausen, like those of an
irascible Thomas cat who sees a dog down the lane.
Pitching his tent in a spot where no vagrant stone could reach it, the
General of the Mackerel Brigade took off his coat and vest, rolled up
the legs of his inexpressibles, and commenced the following
CORRESPONDENCE.
MUNCHAUSEN, _Southern Confederacy_:
"SIR,--The result of the last strategical combat between us must
convince you of the hopelessness of further military confusion in
this country. I feel that it is so, and consider it my duty to
shift from myself the responsibility of further carnage by asking
of you the surrender of that portion of the sunny South known as
the Southern Confederacy.
"THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
("Green Seal.")
You may observe, my boy, that the remark: "I feel that it is so," does
not make the strongest kind of connection with the preceding sentence;
but great warriors are apt to be shaky in their rhetoric; and the
Confederacy responded thus:
"GEN. MACK. BRIG.:
"SIRRAH,--Though repelling with scorn the vandal insinuation that
further military confusion on my part is hopeless, I agree with you
as to the stoppage of further carnage, and desire to know upon what
terms you will haul the celebrated Southern Confederacy out of this
swamp.
"MUNCHAUSEN X his mark."
(This chivalrous manner of signing a name with a Cross is a knightly
expression of profound piety, descended from the ancient crusaders to
the Southern chivalry of the present day.)
To the above epistle the General thus replied:
"MUNCHAUSEN, _Southern Confederacy_:
"SIR,--I propose to receive the surrender of the well-known
Southern Confederacy on the following terms:
"Fresh rolls for all the officers and men to be made at once, and
the boots of the Southern Confederacy to be blacked by officers
duly appointed by the United States of America. All the officers to
give their individual pay rolls, that they may be cashed by the
United States. Such public and private property as has been stolen
by the well-known Southern Confederacy to be turned over to the
police-officers appointed to take charge of it.
"Each officer will be permitted to retain both of his arms, and,
together with the men, is expected to return calmly to his family,
and not commit assault upon the United States of America without
due provocation.
"THE GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE.
("Green Seal.")
It is related in tradition, that when the knightly Munchausen received
this epistle, he laughed horribly for the space of at least half an
hour, as though greatly rejoiced at a bit of unparalleled waggishness.
After which he delivered himself of four sinister winks at nothing,
simultaneously exclaiming:
"By Chivalry! here's magnanimity."
After which he wrote thus:
"GEN. MACK. BRIG.:
"SIRRAH,--I have received your scrawl of this date, containing what
may be denominated terms of first-class board for the celebrated
Southern Confederacy. Inasmuch as said terms give me rather more
advantage than half a dozen strategical victories over your vandals
could possibly have procured for us, I hereby permit you to capture
us at once, in order to avoid further carnage in your ranks.
"MUNCHAUSEN X his mark."
Other letters incidental to this business passed between the two
paladins, my boy; but as the letters of all great men are proverbial
for their great dignity and heaviness, and are immensely calculated to
incline readers to untimely repose, I have spared you the infliction.
Suffice it to say, that when Captain Villiam Brown read the Mackerel
terms of surrender, he spasmodically applied his lips to a canteen,
with the air of one who takes poison because the butcher's daughter has
refused to be won by his manly shape.
"Ah!" says Villiam, "such magnanimity!"
Captain Bob Shorty was playing Old Sledge with three members of the
Sanitary Commission when the document arrived.
"By all that's Federal!" says Captain Bob Shorty, "it appears to me--it
really appears to me, Villiam, that I never see so much magnanimity!"
They took it to Captain Samyule Sa-mith as he sat by the roadside,
straightening his highly-tempered sabre with a stone.
"I cannot always agree entirely with my brother officers on all
points," says Samyule, reflectively, "for some of them are ineddicated:
but I find in this document great magnanimity!"
Magnanimity, my boy, is the revenge of generous minds; as the venerable
male parent feelingly observed when he made over his whole property to
the interesting son who had just tried to poison him by putting arsenic
into his coffee, and expressed an intention to burn him to death in his
bed that night.
The glorious news of the surrender had no sooner reached the city of
Paris than the aged and gifted Miss P. Hen organized an enthusiastic
mass meeting of the decrepit Union element, and a speaker's stand was
quickly erected, over which floated a banner inscribed
REGULAR MAGNANIMOUS NOMINATION
FOR
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
IN 1869,
_COLORADO JEWETT_.
The meeting being called to order, Miss P. Hen came to the front with
her umbrella, and addressed the populace. She stated that this meeting
was designed for no political purpose, but only to show Providence that
a great nation knows how to be grateful for victory. Now was the time
to heed the heart-sobs and gushing soul-pangs of the misguided
Confederacies, and receive back all the Rebel leaders with kisses on
their penitent noses. As for our present President, he meant well;
but--
The speaker was suddenly interrupted by a burst of fifes and drums
coming up the Accomac road, and right quickly there appeared a
procession of political chaps with immense stomachs, from Chicago, who
carried a fine banner inscribed:
REPUBLICAN NOMINATION
FOR
PRESIDENT IN 1869,
THE
_GENERAL OF THE MACKEREL BRIGADE_.
At this apparition Miss P. Hen ate a Graham biscuit with great
accerbity of bearing, and was about to go on with her _Te Deum_, when a
fleshy Chicago chap lightly jumped upon the platform and pushed the
venerable maiden aside. He said that no scheme of politics brought them
together this time: but a humble, heartfelt wish to thank a benignant
Heaven for the downfall of a mighty people's enemies. As for the chief
of those enemies, the Rebel leaders, they must every one of them be
hanged without mercy, or justice might as well be ignored forever. The
present President was too--
At this moment the hum of an approaching multitude drowned all other
sounds, and there advanced from the rear of Paris a great band of
high-moral citizens, with a banner announcing
UNION NOMINATION
FOR
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
IN 1869.
_OUR UNCLE ABE_.[7]
Forward surged this new audience toward the platform, and both Miss P.
Hen and the Chicago chap had recommenced their hymns of gratitude, when
an athletic citizen from Baltimore made a dash for the front railing
and eloquently addressed the meeting. He was proud to see such a
glorious concourse assembled, for no wrangling party object, but solely
to unite in thankfulness to a greater than all earthly powers for the
blessing of returning peace. To make that peace permanent and solid,--
[7] Four days after the date of this letter, ABRAHAM LINCOLN--the
wise, the just, the merciful--fell beneath the dastard blow of an
ignoble assassin! All that is beautiful and good in the world
must mourn his irreparable loss; and I need not say how consoling
it is to me in this dark hour to feel, that, in all my
extravagances of nonsense, I have never penned one word
concerning the Martyr-President that was not inspired by a
sentiment of actual affection for his genial and guileless
character. Thank God! his eternally-infamous murderer came of a
line not native to my country!
O. C. K.
Here Miss P. Hen got to the front and brought down her umbrella with
awful violence upon the bare head of the speaker, and says she: "I'm
the Republican party myself!"
"I beg your pardon, miss," says the Baltimore citizen, hotly, "but
_I'm_ the Republican party!"
"You're both impostors!" roared the Chicago chap, scientifically
squaring-off; "for I'M the Republican party!"
Crash goes the platform; down tumble the banners. Fists are plunging
wildly in all directions, while such howls and screams arise from the
tempest as though pandemonium were let loose to run a gamut of
diabolical sounds.
Seated upon a barrel a short distance off, I was taking a deep
interest, through my bit of smoked glass, in this scene of exciting
National Thanksgiving, when a strange ringing noise, or lively bellow,
and a sharp crash very unexpectedly sounded above the din, and, on
looking up, I beheld the Conservative Kentucky chap joyously dancing
upon the roof of Paris, with a huge dinner-bell in his right hand, and
a smoking three-pounder beside him.
"Hooray!" shouted the Conservative Kentucky chap, blissfully standing
on one leg. "Go in! That's the style! Sic 'em! Sic 'em! Hit 'em again,
boys. Hem!" says the Conservative chap, with delirious enthusiasm;
"this here sort of thing in the enemy's camp is just the ticket for our
National Democratic Organization, of which I am the large Kentucky
branch!"
Turn away your eyes, my boy, from such scenes as these, and look with
me along that hill-side yonder, where the gentle sun casts his
tenderest beams upon the new spring grass. You see there are irregular
mounds scattered all the way up the slope,--hundreds,--hundreds!
Beneath them sleep the brave, the beautiful, the wept of the patriot
home. Their loyal blood, poured in a fervid river to the twilight ocean
of Eternity, has washed a pollution from our Flag, a blot from our
escutcheon; and, oh! that it had also borne hence upon its purifying
current that unholy, shifting beacon of political discord, which ever
lures our Ship of State toward the breakers.
Yours, reverently,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
_JUST PUBLISHED_,
A VOLUME OF POEMS BY ORPHEUS C. KERR,
ENTITLED,
THE PALACE BEAUTIFUL, AND OTHER POEMS.
12MO, CLOTH BOUND, WITH PORTRAIT PRICE $1.50.
The _Boston Transcript_, in speaking of this book, says: "Energy of
feeling, sweetness of sentiment, and grace and delicacy of fancy, are
common characteristics of the volume. A number of the poems relate to
the incidents, ideas, and passions of the war, and rank among the most
striking lyrics called forth by the events of the time." Copies will be
sent by mail, _free_, on receipt of price, $1.50,
by
CARLETON, Publisher,
New York.
[Illustration:
BOOKS
Published by
CARLETON
413 Broad-Way
New-York
1865.]
"_There is a kind of physiognomy in the titles of books no less than in
the faces of men, by which a skilful observer will know as well what to
expect from the one as the other._"--BUTLER.
NEW BOOKS
And New Editions Recently Issued by
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NEW YORK.
_413 BROADWAY, CORNER OF LISPENARD STREET._
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