a capacity for making good use of small things than in an ability to
master vast ones; and the intellect sublime enough to grasp the whole
system of the universe, may not disdain to draw a useful lesson in
human nature even from so minute an object as the Secretary of the
Interior. The elephant, in the full amplitude of his physical
greatness, has been briefly and comprehensively characterized as an
animal able to knock down a giant and pick up a pin; and how shall the
glorious human mind boast its superiority over matter, if it be not
also endowed with the power of stooping as well as soaring? I believe,
my boy, in the mind that picks up pins intellectual; especially in
these days, when there are so few intellectual giants to knock down.
Indeed, so important to the general system of intellect is the system
of taking no less note of small things than of great ones, that a
multitude of writers who deal only in the smallest kind of matters all
their lives may themselves be denominated intellectual pins. I hold
Mr. Tupper to be an intellectual pin, and Mr. Willis has also become
somewhat of a pin in these his later years.
To the youthful soul, still steeped in those romantic dreams, of which
a supper of pig's feet is the best artificial provocative I know, this
war is a vast phantasmagoria of almighty giants struggling together in
the clouds. There was a time when I, too, was able to see it to that
extent; but time, and some experience in Virginia, have reduced my
giants in the clouds to brigadiers in the mud; and from seeing our
national banner in the character of a rainbow dipped in stars, I have
come to regard it as an ambitious attempt to represent sunrise in
muslin, the unexpected scantiness of the material compelling the
ingenious artist to use a section of midnight to fill up.
Down in Accomac, the other day, I overheard a sentimental Mackerel
chap, to whom I had imparted this flagging idea, inflicting it upon
another Mackerel as original; but he was anxious to improve upon the
comparison, and says he:
"Our National Standard is so much like a beautiful sunrise, that I
could almost wish the full idea of an eternal morning could be further
expressed in it by something to represent the dew."
The inferior Mackerel scratched his head, and says he:
"Why, my pay has been due for some time, and I myself am eternally
mourning for it."
If we cast pearls before swine, my boy, we must not be surprised to
find them taken for the seeds of cabbage-heads. I once told a
Wall-street broker that I considered the break of day one of Nature's
most glorious sights; and he said that he didn't mind it himself, if he
didn't happen to have any of Day's notes on hand at the time.
But, to return to the giants and the pins; the absence of all giants in
the way of events for the past week has induced me to take note of the
pins; and close observation of a few of the latter induces me to
believe that a strong Union feeling is beginning to be developed
amongst the loyal masses of the North. For instance: one of the
passengers in one of the street-cars of Paris, the other day, was a
venerable man of ninety-three years and seven months, who sat quietly
between two lady-passengers, eating roast chestnuts, and permitting the
shells to fall upon their laps. Upon his hoary locks rested a white
hat, well worn and mashed-in with time; his once light overcoat
buttoned close to his throat, represented a drawn battle between grease
spots and torn places; his venerable lower members were encased in blue
overalls, somewhat shaded about the knees; and the large feet, resting
easily upon the cushions of the opposite seat of the car, wore one
slipper and one disabled boot. With the exception of a scarcely heard
hiccup between every two chestnuts that he ate, not a sound was emitted
by this venerable and striking figure as he sat there thus
unobtrusively in a public car, like any ordinary passenger.
Presently, a young and boisterous lieutenant, vain of his new regimentals,
and full of the airs of a new Jack-in-office, entered the car, and
egotistically attempted to make his way to a seat. A faint hiccup
saluted his ear, and, looking down, he found his way barred by the aged
legs of the venerable stranger, whose feet were upon the opposite
cushions.
"Let me pass, old man?" says the vain youngster, with the smart air of
one who wishes to get to his seat.
The venerable stranger hardly raised his stern old eyes at the flippant
remark, but ate another chestnut, as though no one had spoken.
"Come, my friend," says the conceited stripling, with fresh arrogance,
"Be kind enough to move for a moment. I am Colonel P----."
In an instant, the aged frame sprang to his feet, opened all the
windows, turned the conductor out of the car, locked the doors, mashed
his hat down over his eyes, and frantically tearing open his
dilapidated overcoat, displayed _the star of a major-general_!
In an instant, the newly-fledged colonel lost all his knowing
braggadocio, and cowered before the glorious old veteran, like a cowed
cur (female of a bull-dog).
"Wr-r-r-etch!" exclaimed the hoary commander, in tones of thunder,
relieved with the vivid lightning of a hiccup, "Do you know _me_!"
The abashed young boaster could only bow his head in shame, and took
the first opportunity to dash himself from the vehicle wherein he had
been taught such a lesson. And this should teach us all, my boy, that
bad clothes are not always a sure sign of the wearer being only a
reporter for the _Tribune_; nor do the ordinary symptoms of
intoxication always indicate that the possessor lacks high rank in our
national army.
Some hours later, on this same car, there transpired a somewhat
different scene, but one equally calculated to prove that there is
indeed a North. Twenty-three wealthy secessionists were in the swift
vehicle, the only other passenger being a handsome lad of about
sixteen, in the uniform of a brigadier. Rendered confident by their
numbers, the enemies of our beneficent form of government entered into
a venomous discussion of the siege of Vicksburg, asserting that the
Yazoo Expedition had not yet captured forty-two steamboats of
Confederacies, and that the announcement of the capture of the
Mississippi River was premature.
The young soldier of the Republic went on with some candy he was
eating, an apparently indifferent spectator of this symposium of
treason; but the close spectator could not have failed to observe that
his whole form was invisibly convulsed with a patriotic indignation.
Presently, however, when one of the more hideous conspirators
heartlessly remarked that we had not heard much of our army in Virginia
lately, endurance ceased to be a virtue, and the young hero could no
longer restrain himself.
In a moment his whole aspect changed; his eyes burst into a devouring
blaze, and his cheeks were in flames before aught could be done to
check the conflagration. Animated by the strength of a giant, in a
cause which he believed to be a noble one, he shot the traitors one by
one with his revolver, and buried them in an obscure swamp near the
track; he paid the driver and conductor their wages, and induced them
to enlist for three years; then, after selling both the horses at
auction, he broke the car into kindling-wood for the use of the poor.
And this mere boy, who could make himself equal to an emergency,--what
of him? I can fancy him a fond mothers pride, a venerable father's
hope,--ay, even a tender sister's favorite snub. When this record of
his glory reaches them, will they remember, in the midst of their proud
exultation, the poor scribe whose humble pen relates to them the
glories of their house? Will they drop one burning tear to the memory
of him who at this moment does not know what on earth to write about
next, and heartily wishes that he had been content to earn a
respectable living as a reputable wood-sawyer, instead of turning
writer? Will they sometimes give one idle thought to the unpretending
_literateur_ who has found the glorious reward of literary merit to be
an assumption by one-horse country newspapers of the right to talk
about him by his family name without troubling themselves to put in the
civilized courtesy of "Mr."? Will they mention in their less urgent
prayer, occasionally, the modest child of the quill, who would exceed
all the horrors of the Inquisition with the foes of his country, by
actually forcing them to write a column for a newspaper when they felt
mentally incapable of penning a single coherent paragraph? Will they?
Ah! this is no country to appreciate genius; as they wrote upon the
tomb of my early friend, the sweet-singing Arkansaw Nightingale, whose
last sad manuscript to me described
"A BIG DOG FIT.
"Lige Simmons is as cute a chap
As ever you did see,
And when the feller says a thing,
It's sure as it can be.
"He owns a dog--and sich a brute
For smellin' round a chap,
I never see in all my life,
You'd better bet your cap.
"Now Lige is proud of this here dog,
And says the critter'll whip
As many wild-cats in an hour
As go to load a ship.
"'But, law,' says Lige, 'that animile
Is awful in a row,
And other pups 'longside of him
An't no account, nohow.'
"In fact, one day, I saw the same
Contemporaneous pup
Pitch into a Newfounlander
And chaw him slightly up.
"He's such a plaguy little cuss,
You'd laugh to see him come;
But when there's chawin' up to do,
I tell you, boss, he's some!
"One day, a pedler came to town
With ginger-beer and things,
And patent clocks, and pious books,
And fancy finger-rings.
"And underneath his cart was tied
A bull-dog of the kind
That tears your musn't-mention-'ems,
In angry frame of mind.
"Now, Lige's dog was smellin' round,
And when he see this here,
He cocked his eye in agony,
And acted awful queer.
"The bull-dog gin a rousin' shout,
As Lige's dog went by,
And gev him such a sassy nip
That fur began to fly.
"Then Lige's dog unfurled his tail
And gev the wound a lick,
And then pitched into that ere dog
A way that _wasn't_ sick.
"The critters had it nip and tuck,
And made such awful noise,
That Lige himself came up to see,
With all the other boys.
"The pedler see him, and says he,
Like one to fits inured:
'I'm sorry, strannger; but I hope
Your yaller dog's insured.'
"I tell you, boys, 'twas fun to see
The grin that Lige put on,
As in his cheek he put a chaw
And winked his eye at one.
"'Oh, let the varmints fit,' says Lige,
'My pup is awful thin,
And this here row will make him look
Jist like himself ag'in.'
"And all this while the fit went on,
With such a mess of dust
We couldn't tell the upper dog,
If all our eyes should bust.
"'Twas yell and yowl, and shout and growl,
And stompin' awful hard,
And sometimes they'd a tail stick out
From where the dust was bar'd.
"Byme-by the noise began to die,
And as it fainter grew,
The dust began to settle down,
And you could just see through.
"At last it cleared away entire,
But all that we could see
Was Lige's dog a squattin' down
Beneath the axletree.
"'Law!' says the pedler, lookin' blue,
'What's happened to _my_ pup?'
Says Lige: 'It's my opinion, boss,
My pup has eat him up.'
"'But where's the chain I tied him with?'
The pedler loud did call.
And would you b'lieve me--Lige's dog
Had swallowed chain and all!
"One end was hangin' from his mouth
And gev him such a cough,
We had to fetch a chisel out
And cut some inches off.
"Then that ere brute, to show the joy
That's nat'ral to dum brutes,
Insulted that sad pedler there,
By smellin' round his boots.
"The pedler dropped a tear, and then
Says he to Lige, says he:
'I'd like to buy that yaller pup
And take him home with me.'
"But 'no,' says Lige, with proud disdain
And sot down on a log,
'That pup is plural now, you know--
A dog within a dog.'
"'He's twice as strong to fit,' says Lige;
'For if he's killed outside,
I'll turn the critter inside out,
And let _your_ critter slide.'
"'Well,' says the pedler, with a sigh,
'The pup's a trump, I think;
But let us change the subject now;
Say, strannger!--do you drink?'"
But let me not indulge in sentiment, my boy, while it is still before
me to describe the recent successful reconnoissance of the Anatomical
Cavalry, whose horses remind me of the celebrated war-horse described
by Job, inasmuch as it is believed that the far-famed patience of that
scriptural patriarch would have stood a very poor chance with them.
The Grim Old Fighting Cox, the new General of the Mackerel Brigade,
having learned from the New York daily papers, of the week previous,
that a few hundred thousand freshly-drafted Confederacies were massing
themselves on his right, resolved to order a triumphant reconnoissance
by the Anatomical Cavalry and the Orange County Howitzers, for the
purpose of discovering whether the war was actually going on yet. As
the steeds of the cavalry were widely dispersed through the various
gravel meadows around the Mackerel camp, my boy, and had grown somewhat
wild from long disuse, I was somewhat puzzled to know how they could
all be caught quickly enough, and says I to Captain Villiam Brown, who
was to command the combined expedition:
"Tell me, my Pylades, how will you manage to organize the equestrian
bone-works without losing too many hours?"
"Ah!" says Villiam, briskly replacing the cork in his canteen, and
startling his geometrical steed, Euclid, from a soft doze, "we must
make use of our knowledge of natural history, which is the animal
kingdom. Observe the device used in such cases by the scientific United
States of America."
I looked, my boy, and beheld a select company of joyous Mackerels
hoisting a huge board to the top of a lofty pole, which must have been
visible for a mile distant. The board simply bore, in large letters,
the simple words:
"THE OATS HAVE COME."
and scarcely had it reached the top of the pole, when the anatomical
steeds came pouring into the camp with frantic speed, and from every
direction.
"Ah!" says Villiam, thoughtfully, "how powerful is instink, even in a
dumb animal. I once had a dog," says Villiam, reflectively, "whose
instink was so powerful, that to stop his vocal barking it was only
necessary to show him a good-sized piece of bark. He felt," says
Villiam, explainingly, "that it was a larger bark than his, and it made
him silent."
Truly, my boy, there is often a marvellous similarity between instinct
and reason, the former serving as the foundation of the latter, and not
unfrequently being entirely destitute of a superstructure in military
men.
The Cavalry and Howitzers having been arranged in such order that each
supported the other, and a prospect of some carnage supported them
both, the word was given to advance, and the warlike pageant swept
onward very much as we read in the reliable morning journals. I was
proceeding at the head of the cavalcade, with Villiam, pleasantly
discussing with him the propriety of digging a canal to Richmond, and
using the Cavalry on the tow-path, when there rode forth from the cover
of a wood near at hand a horseman, whose stately bearing and
dishevelled hat announced Captain Munchausen, of the celebrated
Southern Confederacy. He waved his sword courteously to Villiam, and
says he:
"You bring your hordes to measure sabres with us, I presume?"
Villiam rattled his good sword Escalibar[4] in its scabbard, and says
he, grimly, "We are met together for that purpose."
[4] It is hardly necessary to state that this sword,
"Escalibar," is probably identical with the invincible blade,
of the same name, presented to King Arthur by the Lady of the
Lake.
Captain Munchausen smiled superciliously, and says he, "Is this
intended by your vandals to be what you call a brilliant cavalry dash?"
Villiam waved his hand majestically, and says he:
"That is the exciting phrase."
"Then," says Munchausen, with unseemly levity of tone, "I can tell you,
before you go any farther, that you are out of ammunition."
Here Captain Samyule Sa-mith, of the Howitzers, who had come up while
the talking was going on, suddenly slapped his knee, and says he:
"That's so. I knew I had forgotten something in this here expedition,
and it's the ammunition."
So we all went back to camp, Captain Munchausen being too much
demoralized by the bad example to pursue us.
Our latest cavalry dashes, my boy, being reduced to their simplest
meaning, signify devised charges of cavalry, which are based upon
charges of artillery, which have forgotten to bring any charges with
them.
Yours, retreatingly,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER LXXXIX.
SHOWING HOW THE GREAT CITY OF ROME HAS BEEN RUINED BY THE WAR;
CITING A NOTABLE INSTANCE OF CONTEMPT OF COURT; DESCRIBING REAR
ADMIRAL HEAD'S WONDERFUL IMPROVEMENT IN SWIVEL GUNS; AND PROVING
THAT ALL IS NOW READY FOR THE REDUCTION OF FORT PIANO.
WASHINGTON, D.C., March 29th, 1863.
After due consideration of the different points of the Compass, and a
fair estimate of the claims of each to superiority, I am inclined to
give the preference to the Great North-west. It is to the Great
North-west that we are indebted for our best facilities of sunset; some
of the greatest hogs of the day come from Cincinnati; the principal
smells of the age belong to Chicago, and the whiskey of Louisville has
almost entirely superseded the pump of our forefathers. Hence, my boy,
it was with a feeling akin to reverence that I witnessed the arrival in
Accomac of a delegation of high moral Democratic chaps from the Great
North-west, the other day; their mission being, to protest against all
further continuation of a war which was degenerated into a mere
bloodshed for the sake of New England; and to suggest that a convention
of all the States be at once held in Kentucky, to arrange a peace that
shall be acceptable to the Great North-west. I was asking the
thoughtful chairman of the delegation what were his particular
grievances, and says he:
"This war is ruining much valuable Real Estate in the Great North-west,
of which I and my fellow-beings are proprietors; and cannot continue
without proving the entire destruction of some of our largest cities.
Just before this war broke out," says the thoughtful chap,
impressively, "I gave a three-years' note of seven hundred and sixteen
dollars and fifteen cents for the city of Rome, situated on the future
line of the Atlantic and Pacific Canal, and divided into four hundred
water-lots of five fathoms each. As soon as the Atlantic and Pacific
Canal was built, the water would have been drawn off by means of
eighteen large hydraulic pumps supported by Eastern capital, leaving
the lots all ready for building purposes. The main street would then
have been graded, and paved with the new patent Connecticut
sub-drainage pavement, and would have extended two miles in a perfectly
straight line, with a horse-railroad through the centre. The various
intersecting streets I should have named numerically, commencing with
'First Street,' which faces upon the Atlantic and Pacific Canal, and so
going on to 'One Hundred and Seventy-sixth street,' and so on. These
streets would have been occupied exclusively by brown-stone-front
residences, with a flag-staff bearing our national banner on the roof
of each one, and rented to small private families without children. The
full lots on the main street would have been used for the City Hall,
the Lunatic Asylum, the Custom House, the Home for Deranged Persons,
the Merchants' Exchange, the Corn Exchange, the Refuge for the Insane,
the Grain Elevator, the Institution for Friendless Maniacs, the
Principal Pork-Packing Establishment, the Hall of Records, the Office
of the Superintendent of Central Parks, the Madman's Snug Harbor, and
the Municipal Bar-Room. The sixty-eight principal banks would have
discounted bills of exchange at sight, for the benefit of the numerous
foreign vessels constantly arriving at the principal pier by way of the
Atlantic and Pacific Canal, and the Fire Department would have been
limited to twenty-three hundred hose-carriages and engines, with an
educated Chief Engineer." Here the thoughtful Democratic chap gnashed
his teeth, and says he:
"But the City of Rome has been entirely retarded by this here Black
Republican New England war upon the sunny South, with which the great
North-west has no earthly quarrel whatsoever."
I was pondering a reply to this very reasonable speech, my boy, when
word was suddenly brought that one of the Mackerel pickets had just
assassinated a young Confederacy, who had only fired twice upon his
inhuman murderer. No sooner did the thoughtful Proprietor of the City
of Rome hear this sickening news than he at once formed the other
Democratic chaps into a coroner's jury, and hastily proceeded to hold a
high moral inquest upon the body of the lamented deceased.
There being no witnesses to examine, and nothing in the pocket-book
found upon the body, the proprietor of Rome removed two tears with his
red silk handkerchief, and briefly summoned up the case. Kneeling
desolately beside the cold remains, and taking one of the lifeless
hands within his own, he sniffed feelingly, and says he:
"The young man which is here before us is another of them noble souls
that have fallen gory sacrifices to the Mulock of War."
"You mean 'Moloch of War,'" says a juryman.
Whereupon he was committed to custody for contempt of court.
"This young man," continued the Proprietor of Rome, "may have had good
cause to hate and despise the radical abolition offsprings of New
England; but he had no quarrel with the glorious Democratic party of
the Great North-west, which is now blindly fighting for his
wooden-nutmeg foes. I will venture to say," says the thoughtful Roman,
with great emotion, "that he even loved the Great North-west in his
heart. Behold how freely he permits me to clasp his left hand to my
friendly buzzom, even though he is dead."
Just then there was a sudden silence, my boy, for the right hand of the
deceased young Confederacy was observed to be slowly rising in the air!
Overcome with awe, the jury gazed upon the strange spectacle, like men
under a wizard's spell. Slowly, slowly, the hand arose, until nearly
above the face of the slain Confederacy; then it descended until it
reached the half-averted countenance of the dead, and convulsively
seized the nose between the thumb and fore-finger.
The Proprietor of the City of Rome changed color, and says he:
"Well--ahem!--it can't be that--" Here he looked more closely at the
body, and says he:
"I am at a loss to explain this remarkable phenomena."
A venerable juryman, of much shirt-collar, coughed to attract
attention, and says he: "I should take the present attitude of our
departed Confederate brother to be that of a man who smells something
obnoxious."
Here the Proprietor of Rome suddenly dropped the left hand of the
deceased Confederacy, and says he:
"Why, he must mean to insult the Great North-west."
"Yes," says the venerable juryman, "there can be but one construction
of the present offensive attitude of this dead young being."
The thoughtful Proprietor of the City of Rome deliberately took off his
spectacles, blew his nose, buttoned his coat up to his chin, and says
he: "I have always advocated a vigorous prosecution of the war, and
believe that full nine-tenths of our gallant troops are Democrats.
What's the werdict?"
The shirt-collared juryman waved his hand impressively, and says he:
"We find the deceased guilty of contempt of court in the Last Degree."
Then the Democratic chaps from the Great North-west held an
enthusiastic mass meeting on the spot, and unanimously resolved that
neither Kentucky nor Indiana would resist the Conscription Bill, should
it be found unsafe to do so.
Believe me, my boy, when I say that the great Democratic party is
stanchly loyal at heart, however strangely its head may seem to err at
times; and never will it take a side with the enemies of the country,
even whilst those enemies make offers to it not only aside but affront.