If thou beest a man, show thyself in thy likeness: if thou beest a
devil, take 't as thou list.
TEMPEST.
The violence of the storm was over, but the ferment in the elements
was not yet allayed. The clouds had broken, and ever and anon,
through their ragged gaps, the eye might trace fields of blue sky,
studded with stars, which were as suddenly swept out of sight, as
gusts came roaring from the tops of distant hills, discharging brief
but furious showers.
On such occasions, it was not easy to pick a way along the road,
which was washed into gullies and scattered over with the riven
branches of trees, besides being, in the hollow places, converted
into pools; so that it might have been considered difficult to
proceed, even by the light of day.
It was fortunate, perhaps, for Affidavy, that he was in no condition
to be daunted, either by difficulties or dangers, of which, indeed,
it is most probable he remained profoundly unconscious, from the
beginning of his ride to the end. He set forth on his dark journey,
trolling at the top of his voice some snatches of the jolly chorus,
in which he had borne no mean part, and plying his heels about the
ribs of his horse in such a way as to drum out a kind of barrel-head
accompaniment, as agreeable to himself as it was perhaps advantageous
to the animal;--for this, instead of being Schlachtenschlager's best
horse, as he had said, was a drowsy, lazy, pacific, and somewhat
worthless beast, which the Squire's man, supposing that any one might
serve the lawyer's turn on such an occasion, had considerately
substituted for the better one which his master really designed to
provide. On this animal, then, Affidavy departed, bidding defiance to
storm and peril, and singing as he went. Sometimes, however, he
launched into harangues, as if declaiming before a court and jury,
especially when, as was sometimes the case, the beast he bestrode
took advantage of his abstraction, to pause before some gully or pool
of water, and even, now and then, to stand stock-still in the middle
of the road, where there was no obstruction whatever. Nay, he once or
twice, relying upon the indifference of his rider, took the liberty
of turning his head, and jogging backwards; and how the manoeuvre was
detected and counteracted by one in Affidavy's happy condition, we
are wholly unable to say. But counteracted it was, and by
midnight,--that is to say, after a ride of three hours, the attorney
found that his steed had borne him the full distance of two and a
half miles from his master's house; at which rate of travel, it was
quite evident, he might expect to reach the village, perhaps three or
four miles further, some time before noon of the following day. At
midnight, however, the horse was brought to a stand by an unforeseen
difficulty. It was in a hollow place or glen, thickly wooded, that
was crossed by the road at right angles; at the bottom of it flowed a
water-course, small and shallow on all ordinary occasions, but which
the violent rains, assisted by certain accidental obstructions, had
now swelled into a broad and formidable pool. The trunks and branches
of trees, swept down by the earlier wash of the flood, and lodged
among rocks and the standing stems of other trees on the lower side
of the road, had made a sort of dam, through which the waters could
not escape so rapidly as they collected; and, in consequence, they
had swelled so high, as to be already heard falling over it like a
cataract.
When Affidavy arrived at the brink of this flood, his steed came to a
sudden halt, of which the rider took no notice for a considerable
time, his mind being wrapped up in the remembrance of the joyous
potations from which nothing on earth, save the prospect of a good
case, could have drawn him, and his ears still tingling with the
uproar of the Rheinweinlied. This he trolled over with great fervour,
and in the midst of it, plying his heels as usual, the horse, after
one or two snorts by way of remonstrance, took heart of grace, and
crept into the water.
"Botheration," cried the attorney, as he felt the cold element
sweeping over his legs, "will it never have done raining? H--h--hip,
Durgan.--Gentlemen of the jury, I appeal, not to your hearts, for I
disdain taking advantage of,--of your weakness,--nor to your heads,
for--for--who the devil ever supposed a juryman had
one?--Botheration, it rains cats and dogs all round, and my legs are
growing marvellous cold. That old Schlachtenschlager! he, he! a great
old ass, and his Nierensteiner nothing but sour old crab-cider.--A
gold watch worth forty pounds,--a purse of guineas--bills of
exchange--long credits.--Dispute the jurisdiction of the
court--Hillo! what's all that smashing in the court? I insist upon
order--Who says I am out of order? Drunk! I despise the thing! Hillo,
Schlachtenschlager! what's the matter? Never mind the rain--strike
up: let it blow its worst,--strike up, old boy.
'Come, drink, ha, ha!
And, sure, we'll all be merry;
Come, drink, ha, ha! come laugh, ha, ha!'--
Botheration!"----
In the midst of the attorney's song, and just when he had reached the
middle of the pool, there happened a catastrophe, which might have
frightened any other man out of his propriety. This was nothing less
than the sudden giving way of the dam of logs, the disruption of
which was followed by the escape of the whole accumulated body of
waters, and that with a fury that nothing could resist. In an instant
the attorney was swept from his horse, soused head over ears in the
flood, and would have been drowned had he not been luckily dashed
into the crotch of a low and twisted buttonwood, and there left
astride a horizontal bough, by the retreating waters. The whole thing
was effected in a trice, indeed with such magical celerity, that he
failed to notice the main point of the casualty, which was the loss
of his horse; and supposing himself still at ease in the saddle, he
plied his heels with their accustomed vigour against the regardless
trunk, wondering somewhat at the immobility of his charger, and the
rush of the current at his feet.
"Botheration," he cried; "hip, Durgan, get up; dzick! dzick! That's a
fine fellow! Will it never be done raining?
'Come, drink, ha, ha! come laugh, ha, ha!
Oh, ha!'----
Hip, horsey, hip!" And thus he went on, now spurring the timber
flanks of his charger, and now trolling forth the drunken chorus, in
the midst of the stream, where he would perhaps have remained until
morning, or until sleep had caused him to relax his hold, had not his
extraordinary outcries reached the ears of a traveller, who rode to
his assistance, the water being already reduced to its ordinary
level, and finding him incapable of helping himself, pulled him from
his seat, and dragged him to the other side of the stream.
"Botheration, what's the matter?" cried the attorney, who seemed to
recover his senses a little, upon finding himself on his feet;
"where's Durgan? Sure, o' my life, I did'nt come here on foot! Odds
bodikins! where's Schlachtenschlager?--Hillo, there! botheration, you
sir! what are you doing with my horse?"
"_Your_ horse!" exclaimed the traveller. "Are you drunk yet?"
"Drunk! I defy the insinuation," cried Affidavy, "and demand
protection of the court.--Down, you rogue, or I'll indict you for
horse-thieving. A pretty prank to play upon an honest man, riding for
life and death! Botheration, Sir Sauce-box, whoever you are, give me
my horse, or I shall lose the best case was ever entrusted to a
lawyer--a gold watch worth forty pounds--bills of exchange--letters
of credit--and a purse of guineas!"
"Now were you not drunk," said the traveller, "and more of a beast
than the animal that bore you, I could tell you of a case much more
to your interest to be engaged in."
"Hah! a case? what sort of a case? Odds bodikins, I'm your man!"
"You are drunken Tef Affidavy?"
"Drunken! That's actionable. Tef! _Tef_ Affidavy! Theophilus
Affidavy, Esq.--_Esquire_, do you hear?"
"Ay, it is all one. Theophilus Affidavy, sober, might be the man for
my money, with twenty guineas to begin upon; but Theophilus Affidavy,
drunk"--
"Twenty guineas!" cried the lawyer: "God bless all our souls! twenty
guineas for a retaining fee! Why then I'll be Theophilus Affidavy,
sober, or Tef Affidavy, drunk, or any thing else that can be wished
of man or angel. Out with your money, and state the case."
"Ay,--when you are sober."
"Sober! Twenty guineas would fetch me to, if I had been swimming in
Schlachtenschlager's whiskey-barrel for two weeks on a stretch.
Botheration, I'll take another dip in the slough there, and come out
as clean as a peeled orange. But are you sure that a'n't my horse?"
"Quite; and if your beast belongs to the Squire, you may make your
mind easy that he is now safe in his master's stables. I saw a
saddled horse on the road, galloping as if a wild-cat was on the back
of him."
"Good!" cried the attorney at law; "if I had drowned him, there would
have been the devil to pay with old Schlachtenschlager. Hold fast,
till I duck the devil out of me." And without waiting to say another
word, he ran into the brook, where he began to splash about him with
great spirit, the stranger, all the time, sitting by and observing
him in silence.
There is, in all cases of drunkenness, a certain degree of voluntary
intoxication, as it may be called, in which the mind yields itself a
prisoner, before it is entirely overcome by the strength of the
enemy. This is evinced by the rapidity with which many good souls, in
jovial company, work themselves into frenzy; but still more by the
facility with which they shake it off, when there is any special call
for sobriety. In half the instances, even where the conduct is most
extravagant, the individual retains a consciousness, more or less
perfect, of his absurd acts, is aware that they proceed from a
madness partly simulated, and sensible of some power in himself of
controlling them, though not easily disposed to the labour of
exercising it. We will not pretend to say that Mr. Affidavy, while he
sat bestraddling the sycamore, was altogether conscious of his
situation; but it is quite certain, he retained so much power of
curing his folly, even in that extremity, that a less counter
stimulus than the offer of a twenty-guinea fee would have sufficed to
bring him to his senses. He frisked about in the water for a few
minutes, dipped his head under two or three times, and came out, not
entirely sober indeed, but, as he said himself, 'as fit for business
as he ever was.'
"If you doubt, stranger, whoever you are," he said, "I'll sing you a
song, or--No, hang it, we've had enough of _that_,--I'll make you a
speech to court and jury extempore, and right to the point. But come
now, jingle your money, and let's begin: or, if it's all one to you,
we'll jog back to Schlachtenschlager's and borrow a dry shirt, and so
give counsel like a gentleman."
To this proposal the traveller demurred, and requesting the lawyer to
follow him, rode up to the brow of the hill, where he dismounted, and
suffered his horse to range at will through the bushes, he himself
taking a seat on a stone, and inviting Affidavy to do the same.
"A botheration strange fancy this, of yours, certainly," said the
lawyer: "are we to sit here, like two stray ducks, and be soaked for
nothing?"
"Look over your head," said the stranger: "there is not a cloud left
in the heaven. No, not one," he muttered as if to himself; "and come
weal or wo, come death or come life, the sun will shine to-morrow as
bright as ever."
"Tush, you're right; the storm has given us the go-by," said the
lawyer. "But concerning the case, and that twenty-guinea
fee----What's your name?"
"Guineas," said the other, rattling a purse apparently well filled
with his namesakes, upon the stone.
"Excellent!" said the lawyer; "but that won't do for a jury. Come,
sir, your cognomination, compellation, and so forth? your _proprium
vocamen_, style and title,--Tom, Dick, or Harry, as the case may be?
and then for _the_ case! _Quisnam homo est? unde et quo?_ No man is
drunk who can quote Latin, for it is cursed hard stuff to remember.
In the king's lingo, who are you? and what's the case in question?"
"Who I am, we will pass," said the traveller, "that having nothing to
do with the case. As for the case itself, I am told, it is one of
murder."
"The devil it is!" cried Affidavy. "Why here's hanging work
thickening in the county! But what are the circumstances? Who's
killed? and who is the killer?"
"The first was a young man, named Henry Falconer,--the second another
young man, called Hyland Gilbert"----
"Hah! why, that's _my_ case, that I've been labouring after all
night! and I assure you----But God bless our two souls!" he added
suddenly, springing to his feet as if in alarm, "who are _you_ sir?
An honest man, sir? I hope, an honest man, sir, and no bloody-minded
Hawk, sir! for if you are, sir, I give you warning, sir, if you make
an attack upon me, sir, that I carry pistols, sir, and, sir"----
"Peace, fool," said the other, with a stern voice. "Sit down, and
fear nothing. If you had twenty pistols, what care I for them?--I,"
he added, with a laugh both jocose and bitter, "that am armed with
twenty--guineas?"
"Right, sir; but if you are a tory, sir--I don't mean to insult you,
sir,--but as to aiding and abetting a gentleman of the tory party,
sir: why, sir, I am a man of principle, sir, and I must have time to
reflect."
"Go to the brook and wallow again: you shall have five minutes to
reflect, or rather to sober, for you are not yet in your senses. Why,
fool, do you think I will hurt you? or hark! is there a tory bullet
in the clink of an English guinea? Come, sit down, and listen. You
have nothing to do with tories, save to take their money.--There is
one lying in prison in yonder village below, who needs the help of a
lawyer. Yourself then, Affidavy, or another."
"Oh, if there be no treason in the matter," said the attorney, "why
then----that is, if you will take that cursed tomahawk away, for I
dare say you've got one about you, Mr.----that is to say,
captain----Zounds, Mr. Oran Gilbert! I know you very well; and I hope
you won't murder me, or do me any mischief, if it were even for old
times' sake; for we were very good friends in old times."
"Ay," said the refugee; "and for that reason, I have offered you
twenty guineas, and employment on a business that may bring you as
many--perhaps five times as many more, which any one else will be as
happy to accept."
"Botheration, there is no occasion," said Affidavy, creeping
timorously back. "I see what it is; I'm not afraid of you, but you
have a cursed bad name. I don't agree with you in principles, that
is, in politics; but it sha'nt be said, I refused my professional
services to an old friend in distress"----
"With twenty guineas in his hand," said the tory.
"Ay; and with as many, or five times as many at the back of them"----
"In case of success."
"Oh, yes, certainly. I understand the case now: your brother,
captain"----
"We will drop all titles,--brother, captain, and every one else,"
said the tory. "The young man, Hyland Gilbert, is a prisoner."
"Ay; and"----
"Was he hurt?"
"A bruise or so."
"And he shot Henry Falconer?"
"As dead as a herring: I sat on the body myself."
"And he will be tried for that, as for a murder?"
"Ay, faith, and hanged too, unless"----
"Unless _what_?"
"Unless we can prove him innocent, or establish a legal
irresponsibility."
"Or snatch him out of his den, some such bright midnight as this?"
"Tush," said the lawyer, waxing in courage, "I have nothing to do
with that. But cheer up. There's a way of managing these cases, and I
have thought of it already. But concerning that bill of exchange and
letter of credit? They say, the younker has money enough--a rich
estate in the Islands?"
"Fear not for your reward," said Oran Gilbert. "Do what's expected of
you, and you shall have gold enough to content you."
"Here then is the state of the case," said Affidavy: "if the young
man be tried in this county, were it but for killing a farmer's dog,
he will die. The name--saving your presence--the name of Gilbert will
be hanging matter with any jury. But I'll be short--he bears the
king's commission, does he not? the commission of a lieutenant among
the royal refugees?"
"And what then?"? said Oran.
"Why then, he must dispute the jurisdiction of the civil tribunal,
and claim to be considered a prisoner of war. The attack upon the
Folly is somewhat of a civil offence, to be sure; but he was taken,
as we may say, in battle; and, in battle, he killed the man for whose
murder he will be certainly arraigned, if proceedings are not quashed
in the beginning. As a commissioned officer of the crown,
however"----
"And what if he be _not_ a commissioned officer," said the refugee,
with a low voice.
"Why then," replied Affidavy, "I have to say, gentlemen of the
jury----Pshaw! that is,--hemp seed and a white shirt--you understand
me? But with the commission--we will produce that, and then"----
"You shall have it," said the refugee; but added,--"It will do no
good. A court civil or a court martial,--how should a Gilbert look
for mercy from either? What turn would the king's commission serve
_me_, if a prisoner? Look you, Affidavy, there are better ways of
ending the matter. An hundred guineas are clinking in the bag these
came from: it is but the opening of a jail-door to earn it."
"Ay! are you there, Truepenny?--Sir, I'm a lawyer and a gentleman;
and as to aiding and abetting in any jail-breaking--zounds, sir! for
what do you take me?"
"For a wiser man than you would have your neighbours believe,--for a
man _too_ wise to boggle long at a choice betwixt a hundred guineas
held in comfort at home, and empty pockets, with hands and heels tied
together, in a cave of the mountains."
"God bless our two souls," said Affidavy, "what do you mean?"
"To have your help, or take good care no one else has it," said Oran,
laughing. Then, laying his hand upon the lawyer's arm, he added, with
the same untimely accompaniment to accents full of sternness, "Look
ye, Affidavy, you have heard too much for your own comfort, unless
you are ready to hear all. You are a friend, or--a prisoner."
At these words, the lawyer was filled with dismay, and indeed struck
dumb. The terror that beset him, when he first conceived with whom he
was confronted on the dark and lonely hill, recurred with double
violence; he thought of nothing less than being tomahawked and
scalped on the spot, and would have taken to his heels without
further ceremony, had his strength availed him to shake off the grasp
of his companion.
"Fear naught," said Oran, detaining him on his seat, and speaking
decisively: "We were old friends once, as you say, Affidavy: I
remember, you robbed Elsie Bell's strawberry-patch, when you were a
boy, and I thumped you for it. So, fear nothing.--Why, man, am I a
snake, or a beast, that I should hurt such a creature as _you_? Know
me better."
"Well, I will," said the attorney, still trembling. "But,
botheration, sir, this is a strange way of stating a case to a
lawyer! As to opening jail-doors, Mr. Oran Gilbert, why I won't
oppose: if you were to bribe Bob Lingo, the jailer, why, I say, I'm
mum. But what more can you expect? Botheration, sir, I'm no turnkey!
I'll be mum, sir; but as to joining you in any such prank, God bless
our two souls, why that would ruin me! And why should you think of
such a thing? 'Tis needless, sir,--as needless as dangerous. The
king's commission is our pillar of safety: with that in his hand, the
prisoner can demand, ay, and force his claim to be admitted, to be
treated as a prisoner of war; and then, sir, if the matter comes to a
court-martial"----
"When it comes to that," said Oran, "what is to save him from being
tried and condemned as a spy?"
"What?" said the lawyer; "why a very simple thing. We will hire some
one to swear he did not receive the commission until after his flight
from Hawk-Hollow: and as for the change of name, intentions, and all
that, why we shall have time to coin any lies that may serve our
purpose. As to treason, we escape all arraignment there, his domicile
being clearly within a foreign jurisdiction."
"In a word," said Oran Gilbert, "and to end your scheme at once, he
is _not_ a commissioned officer. Fool that he was," continued the
brother, bitterly, "he refused, and to the last, the warrant that
would have been his best friend."
"Whew!" said Affidavy, "this alters the case with a vengeance.
Refused the commission?"
"Ay; and it is now in my own hands."
"Oho, is it? Why then, all's one. We'll clap it into his hands,--fill
up the blanks, if it needs, produce it in court, and who is the
wiser?
"You can, at least, try him with it," said the refugee; "but I know
what it will end in. You will see him refuse it, even in prison."
"Why then," said Affidavy,--"Hum, ha--we won't be particular.
Jail-doors _will_ open sometimes; and in case of an hundred guineas
down on the nail--(a dangerous business, captain!)--and something
more in prospect--(you understand, captain?)--Reputation, captain,
reputation! 'T may bring me by the heels, captain.--Another hundred
therefore, (say, to be paid at New York; for I don't care if I turn
tory along with you, provided I am not set to fighting:) an hundred
on the nail, and another at York city, and I don't care if I close
with you. And then, we must have fifty or so for Bob Lingo; (no
managing such an affair without money.) A deused dull county this,
and business all worn out. So, captain, an hundred on the nail,
and"----
"It is enough," said the refugee; "you talk now like a man of sense;
and here are the twenty for earnest. Let us proceed; I have more to
tell you."
Then rising, and whistling to his horse, which obeyed the summons,
and followed him with great docility, he led the way with Affidavy
along the road, exchanging counsels with this precious limb of the
law, on the subject that had drawn him so near to the head quarters
of his foes.