Hush! Be silent! Let this be to you as if whispered under the seal of
confession, for it is of the secret, secret. Never let it be known to a
soul, or body, let it never even be said aloud, lest some vagrant wind
should bear it away, and it become known to the vulgar herd.
Hush, listen! Keep it secret. I am a man who has known sorrow and deep
affliction. My heart has been broken--broken? no, hammered to pieces--
powdered, till there cannot be a fragment left that has not dissolved
away amidst my tears. And how was this, say you? Why, because I loved
her. I knew it not at first, but it came upon me imperceptibly, like
the pale dawn upon the daisy mead, growing brighter each moment until
the sun riseth, and all is one glowing scene of beauty. It was all
sunshine then, and earth was brighter day by day in my kindling eye. A
new life seemed bursting forth within me. I found charms, where all
before was dreary. I slept--but to dream of my beloved image, and awoke
but to muse upon her perfections. She was a doctor's little daughter,
but the taint of medicine was never upon her, and to love her was a
new-born hope. Yes, I dared to hope--presumptuous wretch that I was;
but by that which casts the shadow of Wilkie Collins, I will name "No
Name." Yes, I hoped that my ardent passion was returned--that is to say
that not mine, but another ardent passion was given in exchange. Had
not she smiled upon me? and had not her hand rested in mine for an
instant, squeezed it, and then gently glided away, while I was bursting
with the desire to press my lips upon it? I dared not be too sanguine,
but yet hope whispered me that I was loved--that she would be all my
own--mine--far off perhaps in the future might the realisation of my
wishes be, but I could wait. I was still young, eighteen in a month,
and what were a few years, when so peerless a queen awaited me?
Time slipped rapidly by, though I counted the minutes ere I could cull
and lay the choicest of flowerets before her--flowers bought with money
at Covent Garden Market--flowers received with smiles, while some bud
would be culled and placed amidst the ebon ringlets that wantoned around
her alabastrine neck. The light of gratitude would beam from those
tender dark eyes when some book, poem, or musical trifle that I had
sought was presented with a stammered excuse for daring to bring them
beneath her queen-like notice. Her coral lips would part, and display
the pearly treasures beneath, when I would shrink back timid and fearful
lest I should be guilty of a theft and steal a treasure from the coral
bow.
I loved her--madly loved her. I paced the square by night to gaze upon
her lamp-lit casement--content with gazing upon the blind alone, but
enraptured if the shadow of her fairy form was cast upon that blind;
misery-stricken if, warned off by the policeman, I had to leave the
square, smarting under the knowledge that I was watched. But still I
kept long vigils by the house lest evil should befall her, and I not be
there to ward it off. But nothing happened: the house did not catch
fire; burglars never assailed it; no ruffians ever attempted abduction;
and the two mysterious figures who entered by the front door at two
o'clock on the Tuesday night, were her father and brother; while the
dark man who went down the area was only the policeman. But those were
agonies until I knew the truth, and was sweetly rallied for my anxiety.
But though no prodigies of valour were ever performed by me, they were
there ready in my bosom--a bosom which burned to shed its last drop in
her defence.
Months flew by, and then in the balcony one night I told my love of my
anxieties, my troubles, my cares, and then, in the intoxication of the
moment I saw not that we stood plainly out against the illuminated
window, for I only knew that her blushing face was hidden upon my
shoulder as I clasped her to my breast and reiterated my vows of love.
And she? Ah! she would be mine--mine for ever; and she whispered those
words as a ribald street boy sung out "Lul-liety."
Oh, life of blisses! Oh, hours of too-brief happiness! Why passed
away--why gone--gone for ever? The moments were too bright to endure,
and a cloud crossed the sun of my young and ardent love, raining tears--
tears of agony upon my earthly paradise. Doubt, suspicion, hope, fear,
all swept across my trusting spirit ere I would give entrance to that
fearful brain-enslaving jealousy--maddening jealousy. Oh, but it was a
hard battle, for I could not believe her false, even though the evidence
was clear as the noon-day sun. The current of my life was changed, and
from an open trusting soul I became a spy. I dogged her footsteps,
coward that I was, for I dared not upbraid her. But the villain who had
robbed me of my peace, for him was reserved the corked-up bottle of my
wrath, ready for pouring upon his devoted head. I felt that I could
rend him limb from limb, and tear out his false, deceitful heart. I had
three times seen him leave the house, and knew him at once as a rival.
I hated him with ten thousand-fold fury, but still I must be just. Of
noble mien, of polished exterior he was fitted by nature to gain the
heart of a weak woman; and even as I passed him I fancied that I could
trace a smile of triumph beneath his black moustache. For yes, he
passed me almost upon the steps of the house, and then entering a
well-appointed brougham, he was driven off.
For days I watched for this demon in black, with his dark eyes, lustrous
hair and whiskers, and glistening teeth, for he was, in my sight, a dark
tempter, but he did not return. But I saw something which set my brain
almost on fire. She left the house morning after morning, and my heart
whispered that it was to keep assignations with the treacherous villain.
But I did not upbraid her; I was cheerful and sarcastic in her presence,
while she grew strained and strange. And I, knowing that my manner had
produced the change, laughed a loud, long, harsh laugh, and left the
house with a dramatic scowl upon my brow, and at last, after days of
watching, I followed her with the sensation of a hand clutching and
compressing my heart. My temples throbbed, my brain swam, and as I
hurried along I stumbled against the passers-by.
At last I staggered so heavily against a man that an altercation ensued,
a crowd collected, and when I escaped, the cab that I had been tracking
was gone.
Oh, the tortures I suffered! oh, the agonies of my mind! but impotent as
I felt, what could I do, but wait hours until I saw her return, and then
with closely-drawn veil hurry into the house, where I dared not trust
myself to follow, for I felt, oh! so bad--so dreadfully bad, I didn't
know what to do.
I returned to my abode where I offended my father, upset my mamma, and
quarrelled viciously with my poor saintly sisters. And oh! what a night
I passed! In the morning when gazing in the mirror, I started with
affright from the wretch who met my gaze.
"Take some medicine, Alfy," exclaimed mamma, when she saw that I turned
with disgust from my breakfast.
Kind, well-meant words, but what medicine would ease my
sorely-distressed mind. But no, I could not eat; and though hours too
soon, I could contain myself no longer, but hurried off, engaged a cab,
driven by a tiger, who afterwards preyed fearfully upon my pocket, and
then had the vehicle posted, where, unseen, I could watch the door of
her habitation. The hours passed slowly away as I sat gnawing my
fingers, and comparing the present tempest of the heart with the past
bliss.
"Go, ungrateful!" I exclaimed aloud.
"Where, sir?" said the cabman; coming to the door and touching his hat.
"No where;" I exclaimed, "stay here."
"Certainly sir, only I thought you shouted."
At length the wretch slept upon his box, whilst I, wretch that I was,
envied the poor fellow, and longed for peace and rest from the burning,
maddening, torturing pain I suffered. Then I started, for I saw her
page come from the house, and in a short space of time return with a
cab.
She, false girl, was evidently waiting in the hall--yes, ready now for
an assignation, though I had been kept an hour at a time when about to
take her to horticultural fete or opera--and directly after and still
more closely veiled, she tripped lightly over the pavement and entered
the vehicle.
My driver was already well tutored, but he was asleep.
"Follow that cab!" I cried, hurriedly, as I poked at the somnolent
wretch with my cane.
"Aw right;" he exclaimed; till I savagely thrust at his ear, when he
roused up with a start, jerked the reins, and began to follow the wrong
cab.
"No! no!" I shrieked, excitedly; "the other street. That! that! The
one turning the corner."
"Then why didn't yer say so at first;" growled the ruffian, blaming me
for his own neglect; when on jangled the wretched vehicle closely behind
that containing the false one, whilst I pressed and stifled down the
feelings battling for escape. Then I endeavoured to arrest the desire
to stay her in the street, and prevent the meeting my instinct told me
was to take place; for I was determined to confront them, and then cast
her off in his vile presence, ere in the far-off Antipodean South I
fled, to seek forgetfulness or a grave.
The cabs stopped, and then I saw her enter the door of a noble-looking
mansion, where she was evidently expected. What could I do? In my
impotence I sat for a while madly raging in my cab, for, gifted with a
strong imagination, I could, in fancy, see all that was taking place:
soft glances, clasped hands, the arm of the foreign-count-looking fiend
around her waist, her head resting upon his shoulder, and then eyes
meeting eyes, and her face buried in that hideous black beard. Oh! it
was too much; and I sprang out of my cab, ran up the steps, tore at the
bell, and then, as if by magic, the door was opened, when, guided by
instinct, I pushed by the servant, and hurried up the drawing-room
stairs. Unheeding the shout of the liveried menial, I paused for a
moment undetermined before three doors, when, hearing low muttered
sounds, I opened the one right before me, and entered.
Will time ever erase the agony of that moment from my memory? Shall I
ever again know that state of happy rest--those peaceful hours, ere I
gazed upon thy false, false face? Oh, Eva! Alas! no. My heart still
answers No!
I glided like an avenging serpent into the room, so silently that they
heard me not, and then for a moment I was spell-bound with agony, for
there was almost what I had pictured. With her bonnet thrown off, her
long dark hair hanging over the back of the fauteuil in which she
reclined, and her eyes raised towards his, was the false one. While
_he_, the blight and crusher of my life, leant over her, caressing her
cheek, and bending nearer and nearer, and nearer still--but I could bear
no more: my eyes seemed blinded with fury, and to be starting out of
their sockets; my brain burned; and with one wild, hoarse cry of
"Fiend," Nemesis-like I launched myself upon him.
In a moment, with a cry of dread, he wrenched himself round and
confronted me with his ashen face, but with a wild "Ha! ha!" I had him
by the throat, and we wrestled here and there, tumbling the rich
furniture in every direction, till, with almost superhuman strength, I
dashed his head through the pier-glass behind him.
There was a fearful crash, and the wretched woman shrieked aloud; but I
was deaf to her cries as she implored me to spare him. I laughed again
madly, and still held to the struggling wretch, till, half strangled and
in despair, he dashed something in my face, when, as it fell shattering
to the floor, I started back and held my enemy at arm's length.
Aghast I gazed upon Eva, but she covered her face with her hands, and
tried to swoon, as she sank in a heap upon the floor. But I had seen
all--all in that horribly-distorted mouth. A fearful light had flashed
across my brain, and, as servants came hurrying into the room, I thrust
my enemy from me, and parting the people at the door, darted down the
stairs and fled for my life.
Forgetful of the waiting cab, I was tearing along the pave, when the
driver, fearful for his fare, galloped his wretched knacker after me,
and then I staggered in, and sunk back amongst the hard cushions, ready
almost to heap the dirty straw from beneath my feet upon my wretched
head, but still I could hear the sympathising words of the cabby as he
closed the door.
"Pore chap, it must ha' been a scrauntch."
For he knew where I had been--where I had seen all--all in that fearful
moment--the gnashing teeth which lay at my feet, the man's face, Eva's
distorted, mumbling mouth; and I had fled, never to see her more--never
to know rest for the aching misery within my heart. Alas! I had seen
all, and oh! cabby, faithful charioteer, 'twas indeed an awful
scrauntch, for my fancied rival was Michael Angelo Raphael, the Dentist.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is only fair to state, on behalf of the young gentleman from whom the
above emanated, that he really seemed very bad indeed; in fact,
desperate. But as he could eat very heartily, and evidently used a
great deal of pomatum, his case is hopeful.