that lynchin' as a topic at chuck time, an' she shore does carry on
scand'lous. We ain't but jest filed into the dinin' room, when she
t'ars loose at Enright like a cyclone in a calico dress. Son, she
certainly does curry our old Lycurgus frightful!
"What does Enright do?
"Whatever can he do more'n mootely arch his back, same as a mule in a
storm of hail, an' stand it?
"When Missis Rucker has done freed her feelin's, an' got them
reecrim'nations dealt down to the turn, she shakes a finger onder
Enright's subdooed nose, an' fulm'nates a warnin'.
"'I tells you once before, Sam Enright,' she says, 'an' I tells you
now ag'in, that you-all drunkards is either goin' to cease pesterin'
me the way you does, or I'm bound I'll make some among you plenty hard
to locate. Now don't you go tellin' me nothin',' she shouts, as
Enright starts to say somethin'; 'don't go harrowin' me up with none
of your fabrications. It's nothin' but your egreegious pompos'ty that
a-way, an' a gen'ral deesire to put on dog an' lord it over us pore
females with meals to cook an' water to draw, which sets you-all to
hangin' parties to the windmill whar they're plumb in the way. An' all
after me takin' my hands out of the dough, too, the time you
Stranglers puts that B'ar Creek Stanton over the jump, an' goin' in
person to the stage corral to p'int out a beam which is a heap better
adapted.'
"'But, ma'am,' expostyoolates Enright, 'you've done followed off the
wrong wagon track entire. It ain't us none; it's them Red Dog savages.
So far as Wolfville's concerned, him bein' swung to the windmill, that
a-way, is plumb fortooitous.'
"'Jest the same,' returns Missis Rucker, who's merciless an' refooses
to be softened, 'you better take heed a heap. This once I lets you get
away with that Red Dog crawl-out. But if ever I finds another party
suspended to the windmill so's I can't get no water, thar's a passel
of sots, of whom you, Sam Enright, is the onregen'rate chief, who'll
shore get their grub fortooitous.'
"Peets, at this yere crisis, jogs Enright's elbow, by way of signin'
up to him to draw out; an', except from her domineerin' over Rucker
more'n common for a couple of days, she ceases her demonstrations.
"Not but what Missis Rucker has some rights on her side. What with
feedin' forty of us folks three times a day, she's got a lot on her
mind; an' to find some sooperfluous sport hangin' in her way, when she
goes to fill her bucket, necessar'ly chafes her.
"An' yet the Stranglers is up ag'inst it, too. Hangin' a culprit,
dooly convicted, is a public game; an' the windmill's the only piece
of public property in sight, besides bein' centrally sityooated. Also,
thar's nothin' in that corral bluff of Missis Rucker's. The beam she
alloodes to ain't big enough, an' is likewise too low.
"Boggs, who sympathizes with Missis Rucker, once when we has a hoss
thief we don't need on our hands, su'gests we rope him up to the sign
over Armstrong's Noo York store. But thar's rival trade interests, an'
Enright fears it'll be took invidious as a covert scheme for drawin'
custom to Armstrong's emporium.
"'Personally,' says Enright, 'I favors Dan's idee. But since
Armstrong's a member of the committee, you-all sees yourselves that
for us to go execootin' culprits on his sign that a-way, the direct
effects of which distinguishes him an' booms his game, would shore
breed jealousies.'
"'How would it do,' asks Texas, 'if we takes them marts seeriatim,
an' one after another yootilizes all their signs?'
"'With doo deference to Texas,' interjecks Tutt, 'this swingin' round
from sign to sign, with deeds of jestice, is a heap likely to subtract
from the deterrent effects. It's better we stick to the windmill, an'
takes chances on beddin' them resentments of Missis Rucker's down.'
"'That's all right for you, Dave,' retorts Boggs; 'you're a married
man, an' eats at home. You wouldn't feel so plumb gala about quietin'
Missis Rucker if you-all was obleeged diurnal to depend upon that
easily exasperated matron for your _frijoles_, same as us. Tucson
Jennie's the best cook in Cochise County, an', bein' her husband that
a-way, you ain't in no place to jedge.'
"'Dan's right, Dave,' declar's Peets; 'surrounded as you be, you can't
sense our peril, that is, sense it proper. Admirable as Tucson Jennie
is as wife an' mother, an' I says this onbiased by bein' one of two
after whom little Enright Peets is named, she's still more admirable
in her role of cook. For which reason, Dave, you-all, when Missis
Rucker threatens us, ain't able, as Dan says, to rightly gauge said
menaces.'
"Them coolinary compliments to Tucson Jennie placates Tutt. He's half
started to bow his neck at Boggs, but they mollifies him.
"'Mighty likely you're correct, Doc,' he returns, his face cl'arin';
'an' I begs Dan's pardon for some things I was goin' to say. My wife
is shore an exempl'ry cook, an' mebby I ain't no fit jedge. None the
less, you-all'll find, as to them hangin's, that this yere goin' about
from pillar to post with 'em is doo to rob 'em of their moral side.'
"'I feels like Dave,' observes Enright, comin' in on the pow-wow.
'Lynchin's, to have weight an' be a credit to us, ought not to be
erratic. A lack of reg'larity about 'em would shake our standin' as a
camp.'
"Monte starts the business that time when Red Dog astounds us with its
del'cacy, by comin' bulgin' in one evenin' with word about how the
leadin' inflooences in Tucson is broke out in a perfect deebauch of
spellin' schools.
"'An' I'm yere to remark,' says he, in his conceited, rum-soaked way,
'that these yere contests contreebootes a mighty meetropol'tan
atmosphere.'
"'Who orig'nates spellin' schools, anyway?' asks Boggs, whose
curiosity is allers at half-cock. 'Which it's the first time I hears
of sech things.'
"'Spellin' schools ain't nothin' new,' Peets replies. 'They're as
common as deelirum treemons in the East.'
"'Which they certainly be,' corroborates Enright. 'Back along the
Cumberland, as far away as when I'm a boy, we has 'em constant same as
chills an' fever. We-all young bucks attends 'em mighty loyal, too,
an' fights to see who-all goes home with the girls. When it comes to
bein' pop'lar, spellin' schools is a even break with gander
pullin's.'
"'Thar's a Tucson kyard sharp,' continyoos Monte, 'over to the
Oriental s'loon, who tells me them spellin' schools is likewise all
the rage in Prescott an' Benson an' Silver City. That Lightnin' Bug
tarrapin' from Red Dog is loafin' about, too, while the kyard sharp's
talkin', his y'ears a-wavin' like a field of clover. You don't figger
thar's a chance that Red Dog gets the notion, Sam, an' takes to
holdin' them tournaments of learnin' itse'f?'
"What Monte says sets us thinkin'. As a roole we don't pay much heed
to his observations, the same bein' freequent born of alcohol. But
that bluff about Red Dog sort o' scares us up a lot. Good can come out
of Nazareth, an' even Monte might once in a while drive the center as
a matter of luck.
"'It wouldn't do us, Doc,' says Enright, who's made some oneasy by the
thought--'which it shore wouldn't do us, as an advanced camp, to let
Red Dog beat us to them spellin' schools.'
"'I should confess as much!' admits Peets, mighty emphatic. 'Speakin'
from commoonal standp'ints, it'd mark us as too dead to skin.'
"The sityooation takes shape in a resolootion to hold a spellin'
school ourselves, an' invite Red Dog to stand in. Sech steps is
calc'lated, we allows, to head off orig'nal action on the Red Dog
part.
"'Let's challenge 'em to spell ag'in us,' says Texas. 'That's shore to
stop 'em from holdin' spellin' schools of their own, an' it'll be as
simple as tailin' steers to down 'em. I'll gamble what odds you
please that, when it comes to edyoocation that a-way, we can make them
Red Dogs look like a bunch of Digger Injuns.'
"'Don't move your stack to the center on that proposition, Texas,'
observes Tutt, 'ontil you thoroughly skins your hand. Edyoocation
ain't wholly dead in Red Dog. Thar's a shorthorn over thar, him who
keeps books for the Wells-Fargo folks, who's edyoocated to a razor
edge.'
"'Him?' says Boggs. 'That murderer ain't no book sharp speshul. Put
him ag'in the Doc or Col'nel Sterett, an' he wouldn't last as long as
a quart of whiskey at a barn raisin'. Which he's a heap sight better
fitted to shine in a gun-play than a spellin' contest.'
"'But Col'nel Sterett ain't here none,' Tutt urges, 'havin' gone back
to see his folks; an' as for the Doc, he'll be needed to put out the
words. Some competent gent's got to go back of the box an' deal the
game, an' the Doc's the only stoodent in town who answers that
deescription.'
"Armstrong, who's happened along lookin' for his little old forty
drops, lets on he knows a party down in El Paso who can spell any
word that ever lurks between the covers of a dictionary.
"'That's straight,' Armstrong declar's. 'This yere El Paso savant can
spell anything. Which I've seen him spell the hind shoes off a
shavetail mule for the drinks. He's the boss speller of the Rio
Grande, so much so they calls him "Spellin' Book Ben."'
"'Let's rope him up,' Peets suggests. 'Which them Red Dogs never will
quit talkin' if we-all lets 'em down us.'
"'Do you-all reckon,' asks Enright, appealin' to Armstrong, 'you could
lure that El Paso expert up yere to partic'pate in this battle of the
intellects?'
"'It's as easy as playin' seven-up,' Armstrong replies. 'Which I'll
write him I needs his aid to count up the stock in my store, an' you
bet he'll come a-runnin'.'
"'But s'ppose,' argues Tutt, 'these Red Dog crim'nals wakes up to it
that this yere Spellin' Book Ben's a ringer?'
"'In that event,' declar's Texas, 'we retorts by beltin' 'em over the
heads with our guns. Be they, as guests, to go dictatin' terms to
us?'
"'Not onless they're tired of life,' says Boggs. 'While I can't spell
none to speak of, seein' my Missouri youth is more or less neglected
by my folks, showin' some Red Dog felon whar he's in wrong is duck
soup to me. In a play like that I sees my way triumphant.'
"'Shore!' Texas insists, mighty confident; 'let Red Dog wag one feeble
y'ear, an' we buffaloes it into instant submission.'
"'They can't make no objections stick,' Enright observes, after
thinkin' things over. 'This Spellin' Book Ben person'll be workin' for
Armstrong, an' that, as the Doc says, makes him a _pro tem._ citizen
of the camp. As sech he's plumb legit'mate. Red Dog couldn't lower its
horns at him as a hold-out, even if it would.'
"It's settled, an' from then on thar's nothin' talked of but spellin'
schools. We issues our deefiance, Peets b'arin' the same, an' Red Dog
promptly calls our bluff. Regyardin' themselves as entrenched in that
gifted Wells-Fargo book-keep, they're mighty eager for the fray. The
_baile_ is set two weeks away, with Peets to hold the spellin' book.
"After the time is fixed Monte comes squanderin' along an' gets
Enright to move it one day further on.
"'Because, Sam,' the old sot urges, puffin' out his chest like he
amounts to somethin', 'that partic'lar evenin' you pitches upon I'll
be at the other end of the route, an' I proposes to get in on this
yere contest some myse'f.'
"'You?' says Boggs, who overhears him, an' is nacherally astonished
an' contempchoous at Monte's nerve. 'Whatever be you-all talkin'
about? You can't spell none no more than me. The first word the Doc
names'll make you look like a pig at church.'
"'All the same'--for Monte's been drinkin', an' allers gets stubborn
in direct proportion to what licker he tucks onder his belt--'all the
same, Dan, as to this yere spellin', I proposes to ask for kyards.
Even if I ain't no Bach'lor of Arts, so long as the Doc don't fire
nothin' at me worse'n words of one syllable, an' don't send 'em along
faster than two at a clatter, your Uncle Monte'll get thar, collars
creakin', chains a-rattlin', with both hoofs.'
[Illustration: "ONLESS GIRLS IS BARRED," DECLARES FARO NELL, FROM HER
PERCH ON THE CHAIR "I'VE A NOTION TO TAKE A HAND." p. 337.]
"Red Dog not only accepts our challenge, but gets that brash it offers
to bet. Shore, we closes with the prop'sition. It ain't no part of our
civic economy to let Red Dog get by with anything. I reckons, up one
side an' down the other, we puts up the price of eight hundred steers.
Texas and Boggs simply goes all spraddled out at it, while Cherokee
calls down one eboolient Red Dog specyoolator for three thousand
dollars. It's Wolfville ag'inst Red Dog, the roole to govern, 'Miss
an' out!'
"The excitement even reaches the gentler sect.
"'Which onless girls is barred,' declar's Nell, speakin' from her
lookout cha'r the second evenin' before the spellin' school is held,
'I've a notion to take a hand.'
"'It wouldn't be a squar' deal, Nellie,' says Texas. 'With you in,
everybody'd miss a-purpose.'
"'I don't see why none,' says Nell.
"'For two reasons; first, because you're dazzlin'ly beautiful; an',
second, because Cherokee's too good a shot.'
"'Shore,' says Boggs, plantin' a stack of reds open on the high kyard.
'Them contestants'd all lay down to you, Nellie. You certainly don't
reckon Cherokee'd set thar, him all framed up with a Colt's .45, an'
be that ongallant as to permit some clown to spell you down?'
"Nell don't insist, an' the turn fallin' 'king-jack,' she nacherally
moves Boggs's reds to the check-rack.
"On the great evenin' Red Dog comes surgin' in upon us, snortin' an'
prancin' an' pitchin'. Which it certainly is a confident band of
prairie dogs. Wolfville's organized and ready, Armstrong's Spellin'
Book Ben party havin' come over from El Paso three days prior.
"Seein' how mighty se'f-possessed them Red Dogs feel, Boggs begins to
grow nervous.
"'You don't reckon, Dave,' says he, speakin' to Tutt, 'that them
miscreents has got anything up their sleeve?--any little thing like a
ace buried?'
"'Which they wouldn't dare. Also, since you brings the matter up, Dan,
I now gives notice that for myse'f I shall regyard success on their
part as absoloote proof of perfidy. That settled, I sacks that hamlet
of Red Dog, an' plows an' sows its deboshed site with salt.'
"'That's the talk!' says Boggs. 'Let 'em win once, an' you an' me,
Dave,'ll caper over in our individyooal capac'ty, an' lay waste that
Red Dog hamlet if it's the last act of our lives.'
"The spellin' school is schedjooled for the r'ar wareroom of the Noo
York store, whar the Stranglers convenes. All Red Dog is thar,
dressed up like a hoss, their Wells-Fargo book-keep in their exultant
midst. Enright calls the meetin' to order with the butt of his
six-shooter; our old warchief allers uses his gun as a gavel that
a-way, as lookin' more offishul. Also, since the dooty of a
presidin' officer is to preserve order, it's in line to begin with a
show--not too ondecorous--of force.
"Enright states the object of the gatherin', an' Peets, spellin' book
in hand, swings into the saddle an' in a moment is off at a road gait.
The words falls thick an' sharp, like the crackin' of a rifle. Which
they shore does thin out them contestants plenty rapid! Boggs goes
down before 'Theery,' spellin' it with a extra 'e.' Tutt lasts through
three fires, but is sent curlin' like a shot jack-rabbit by 'Epitaph,'
which he ends with a 'f.' Texas dies on 'Definite,' bein' misled by
what happens to Tutt into introdoocin' tharin a sooperfluous 'ph.'
"'I ain't none astonished,' Texas says sadly, when Peets informs him
that he's in the diskyard; 'since ever my former Laredo wife acquires
that divorce, together with al'mony an' the reestoration of her maiden
name, the same bein' Suggs, I ain't been the onerrin' speller I once
was.'
"Cherokee has luck, an' lasts for quite a time. It's the 'leventh word
that fetches him. An' at that thar's a heap to be said on the side of
Cherokee.
"The word's 'Capitol,' as Peets lets it fly.
"'C-a-p-i-t-a-l,' spells Cherokee.
"'Dead bird!' Peets says, plenty sententious.
"'Whatever kind o' capital?'
"'Capitol of a State.'
"'Then I misonderstands you. Which I takes it you're referrin' to a
bankroll.'
"The Doc, however, is obdoorate, an' Cherokee shoves back.
"'I think,' says Nell, whisperin' to Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie,
who, with little Enright Peets, is off to one side--'I think the Doc's
a mighty sight too contracted in his scope.'
"Monte falls by the wayside on 'Scenery,' an' is that preepost'rous
he starts to give Peets an argyooment. Monte spells it 'Seenry.'
"'Whar do you-all get your licence, Doc,' he demands, when Peets tells
him how it's spelled, 'to jam in that misfit "c"? Me havin' drove
stage for twenty years, I've seen as much scenery as any gent present,
an' should shore know how it's spelled. Scenery is what you sees.
"S-e-e" spells see; an' tharfore I contends that "S-e-e-n-r-y" spells
scenery. That "c" you springs on us, Doc, is a solecism, an' as much
out of place as a cow on a front porch.'
"Enright raps Monte down. '"Scenery" is spelled any way which the Doc
says,' declar's Enright, his eye some severe, 'an' I trusts no gent'll
compel the cha'r to take measures.'
"'Say no more,' responds Monte, plenty humble and prompt. 'What I
urges is only to 'licit information. I still thinks, however, that
onder the gen'ral wellfare clause of the constitootion, an' with an
onfenced alphabet to pick an' choose from, a sport ought to have the
inalienable right to spell things the way he likes. Otherwise,
whatever is the use of callin' this a free country? If a gent's to be
compelled to spell scenery with a fool "c," I asks you why was
Yorktown an' wharfore Bunker Hill?'
"Monte, havin' thus onloaded, reetires to the r'ar, coverin' his
chagrin by hummin' a stanzy or two from the well-known ditty, 'Bill,
of Smoky Hill.'
Bill driv three spans of hosses,
An' when Injuns hove in sight,
He'd holler "Fellers, give 'em hell!
I ain't got time to fight."
But he chanced one time to run ag'in
A bullet made of lead,
An' when they brung Bill into town,
A bar'l of tears was shed.
"While Texas an' Boggs an' Tutt an' Cherokee an' Monte an' the rest of
the Wolfville outfit is fallin' like November's leaves, them Red Dog
bandits is fadin' jest as fast. If anything, they're fadin' faster.
They're too p'lite or too proodent to cavil at the presence of
Spellin' Book Ben, an' by third drink time after we starts thar's no
gents left standin' except that Wells-Fargo book-keep sharp for Red
Dog, an' Spellin' Book for us. It's give an' take between 'em for
mebby one hundred words, an' neither so much as stubs his orthographic
toe.
"The evenin' w'ars into what them poets calls the 'small hours.'
Missis Rucker is wearily battin' her eyes, while little Enright Peets
is snorin' guinea-pig snores in Tucson Jennie's lap.
"Thar comes a pause for Black Jack to pass the refreshments, an' Nell
takes advantage of the lull.
"'Hopin' no one,' says Nell, 'will think us onp'lite, we ladies will
retire. Jedgin' from the way little Enright Peets sounds, not to
mention how I feels or Missis Rucker looks, it's time we weaker
vessels hits the blankets.'
"'Yes, indeed,' adds Missis Rucker, smothering a yawn with her hand;
'I'd certainly admire to stay a whole lot, but rememberin' the hour I
thinks, like Nellie, that we-all ladies better pull our freight.'
"Enright settin' the example, we gents stands up while the ladies
withdraws, little Enright Peets bein' drug along between Nell an'
Tucson Jennie plumb inert.
"Peets resoomes his word-callin', an' them two heroes spells on for a
hour longer.
"At last, however, the Wells-Fargo book-keep sharp commences to turn
shaky; the pressure's beginnin' to tell. As for Spellin' Book Ben,
he's as steady as a church.
"'By the grave of Moses, Dan,' Tutt whispers to Boggs, 'that Red Dog
imposter's on the brink of a stampede.'
"Peets gives out 'colander'; it's Spellin' Book Ben's turn. As he
starts to whirl his verbal loop the Red Dog adept whips out his gun,
an' jams it ag'inst Spellin' Book's ribs.
"'Spell it with a "u,"' says the Red Dog sharp, 'or I'll shore send
you shoutin' home to heaven! Which I've stood all of your dad-binged
eryoodition my nerves is calk'lated to endoore.'
"Spellin' Book Ben's game, game as yaller wasps. With the cold muzzle
of that book-keep murderer's hint to the onconverted pushin' into his
side, he never flickers.
"'C-o,' he begins.
"But that's as far as he ever gets. Thar's a dull roar, an' pore
Spellin' Book comes slidin' from his learned perch. It's done so
quick that not even Jack Moore has time to hedge a stack down the
other way.
"'It's too late, Doc,' says pore Spellin' Book, as Peets stoops over
him; 'he gets me all right.' Then he rolls a gen'ral eye on all.
'Gents,' he says, 'don't send my remainder back to El Paso. Boot Hill
does me.'
"Them's Spellin' Book's last words, an' they does him proud.
"It's the Lightnin' Bug who grabs the murderin' book-keep sharp, an'
takes his gun away. Then he swings him before Enright.
"'He's your pris'ner,' says the Red Dog chief, actin' for his outfit,
an' Enright bows his acknowledgments.
"Son, it's a lesson to see them two leaders of men. Enright never
shows up nobler, an' you can wager your bottom peso that the Red Dog
chief is a long shot from bein' a slouch.
"Jack Moore takes the Wells-Fargo book-keep homicide in charge, while
Enright, who declar's that jestice to be effectyooal must be swift,
says that onless shown reason he'll convene the committee at once. He
adds, likewise, that it'll be kindly took if the Red Dog chief, an'
what members of his triboonal is present, will b'ar their part.
"In all p'liteness, the Red Dog chief deeclines.
"'This is your joorisdiction,' he says, 'an' we Red Dogs can only
return the compliment which your su'gestion implies by asshorin'
you-all of our advance confidence in the rectitoode of what jedgments
you inflicts.'
"'Speak your piece,' says Enright to the Wells-Fargo book-keep
culprit, when stood up before him by Moore. 'Whatever prompts you to
blow out this Spellin' Book Ben's candle that a-way?'
"'Let me say,' exclaims the Wells-Fargo book-keep murderer, an' his
manner is some torrid, 'that I has five hundred dollars bet on this
yere contest----'
"'That is a question,' interrupts Enright, suave but plenty firm,
'which will doubtless prove interestin' to your execooter. This,
however, is not the time nor place. I asks ag'in, whatever is your
reason for shovin' this yere expert in orthography from shore?'
"'Do you-all think,' returns the Wells-Fargo murderer, 'that I'll
abide to see a obscoority like him outspell me?--me, who's the
leadin' speller of eight States and two territories, an' never scores
less than sixty-five out of a poss'ble fifty? Which I'd sooner die.'
"'So you'd sooner die?' repeats Enright, as cold an' dark an' short as
a November day. 'Well, most folks don't get their sooners in this
world, but it looks a heap like you will!' Turnin' to Moore, he goes
on: 'Our friends from Red Dog'll hold your captive, Jack, while
you-all goes rummagin' over to the corral an' gets a rope, the
committee havin' come onprovided.'
"Moore gives the Wells-Fargo homicide to the Red-Dog chief, an'
tharupon, we Stranglers bein' ready to go into execyootive session,
all hands except Enright an' the committee steps outside. We're in
confab mebby it's ten minutes, an' Enright has jest approved a
yoonanimous vote in favor of hangin', when thar's a modest tap at the
door.
"It's the Lightnin' Bug.
"'It ain't,' he says, when we asks his mission, 'that we-all aims to
disturb your deelib'rations none, gents, but the chief'd like to
borry Doc Peets for five minutes to say a few words over the corpse.'
"Upon this yere hint we-all gambols forth, an' finds what's left of
the Wells-Fargo book-keep murderer adornin' the windmill. Thar's whar
their del'cacy comes in; that's how them Red Dogs saves us from a
disagree'ble dooty.
"We plants Spellin' Book Ben on Boot Hill as per that sufferer's last
request, an' Red Dog graces the obsequies to a man. Thar Spellin' Book
lies to-day; an' the story of his ontoward takin' off, as told on that
tombstone conj'intly erected as aforesaid by Wolfville an' Red Dog, is
anyooally read by scores of devotees of learnin' who, bar'-headed an'
mournful, comes as pilgrims to his grave."
THE END