possessing. He gave three of his friends at different times a commission to
buy it at any price. They accordingly bid against each other till they had
got as far as ninety crowns, there having been no other bidder after it had
reached ten crowns. Happily one of them thought it best to speak to the
others; when it appeared they had all been bidding for Lessing, whose
forgetfulness in this instance cost him eighty crowns.
Edinburgh.--In a debate upon some projected improvement of the streets of
Edinburgh, the Dean of Faculty wittily said that the _forwardness_ of the
clergy, and the _backwardness_ of the medical faculty, had spoiled the
finest street in Europe, alluding to the projection of the colonnade of St.
Andrew's church and the recession of the Medical Hall in George's-street.
Maclaurin.--This celebrated Professor of Mathematics in Edinburgh College,
and the able expounder of Newton's _Principia_, always dislocated his jaw,
and was unable to shut his mouth, when he yawned. At the same time his
instinct of imitation was so strong, that he could not resist yawning when
he witnessed that act in others. His pupils were not slow in discovering,
and taking advantage of this physical weakness. When tired of his lecture,
they either began to yawn, or open their mouths in imitation of that act,
and the prelection was interrupted. The Professor stood before them with
his mouth wide open, and could not proceed till he rang for his servant to
come and shut it. In the meantime the mischievous disciples of Euclid had
effected their escape.
William III. and St. Evremond.--William was so little of a man of letters,
that on the celebrated French writer, St. Evremond, being presented to him
at St. James's, his majesty had nothing more _àpropos_ to say than this,
"You are, I believe, sir, a major-general in your master's service."
Music and Politics.--Dr. Wise, the musician, being requested to subscribe
his name to a petition against an expected prorogation of Parliament in the
reign of Charles II., wittily answered, "No, gentlemen, it is not my
business to meddle with state affairs; _but I'll set a tune to it, if you
like_."
Sion College.--Upon the recovery of George III. in 1789, the librarian and
others connected with Sion College were at a loss what device or motto to
select for the illumination of the building; when the following happy
choice was made by a worthy divine, from the book of Psalms; "_Sion_ heard
of it and was glad."
Dean Swift having preached an assize sermon in Ireland, was invited to dine
with the judges; and having in his sermon considered the use and abuse of
the law, he pressed somewhat hard upon those counsellors, who plead causes,
which they knew in their consciences to be wrong. When dinner was over, and
the glass began to go round, a young barrister retorted upon the dean; and
after several altercations, the counsellor asked him, "If the devil was to
die, whether a _parson_ might not be found, who, for money, would preach
his funeral?" "Yes," said Swift, "I would gladly be the man, and I would
then give the _devil_ his due, as I have this day done his _children_."
Swift disliked nothing so much as being troubled with applications from
authors to correct their works. A poor poet having written a very
indifferent tragedy, got himself introduced to the dean in order to have
his opinion of it; and in about a fortnight after, called at the deanery.
Swift returned the play, carefully folded up, telling him he had read it,
and taken some pains with it, and he believed the author would not find
above half the number of faults that it had when it came into his hands.
The poor author, after a thousand acknowledgments, retired in company with
the gentleman who had introduced him, and was so impatient to see the
corrections, that he stopped under the first gateway they came to, when to
his utter astonishment and confusion, he saw that the dean had taken the
pains to blot out every second line throughout the whole play, so carefully
as to render them quite illegible.
Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord Lieutenant, said to Swift one day, "The air
of Ireland is excellent and healthy." "For God's sake, madam," said Swift,
falling down before her, "don't say so in England, for if you do they will
tax it."
Dr Savage, who died in 1747, travelled in his younger days, with the Earl
of Salisbury, to whom he was indebted for a considerable living in
Hertfordshire. One day at the levee, the King (George I.) asked him how
long he had resided at Rome with Lord Salisbury. Upon his answering him how
long,--"Why," said the king, "you staid there long enough; how is it you
did not convert the pope?"--"Because, sir," replied the doctor, "I had
nothing better to offer him."
Sheridan.--This distinguished wit, upon being asked by a young member of
parliament how he first succeeded in establishing his fame as an orator,
replied, "Why, sir, it was easily effected. After I had been in St.
Stephen's Chapel a few days, I found that four-fifths of the house were
composed of country squires, and great fools; my first effort, therefore,
was by a lively sally, or an ironical remark, to make them laugh; that
laugh effaced from their stupid pates the recollection of what had been
urged in opposition to my view of the subject, and then I whipped in an
argument, and had all the way clear before me."
Sheridan.--The father of the celebrated Sheridan was one day descanting on
the pedigree of his family, regretting that they were no longer styled
O'Sheridan, as they were formerly. "Indeed, father," replied Sheridan, then
a boy, "we have more right to the O than any one else; for we _owe_
everybody."
Sheridan inquiring of his son what side of politics he should espouse on
his inauguration to St. Stephen's chapel; the son replied, that he intended
to vote for those who offered best, and that in consequence he should wear
on his forehead a label, "To let;" to which the facetious critic rejoined,
"I suppose, Tom, you mean to add, _unfurnished_."
Sheridan was once travelling to town in one of the public coaches, for the
purpose of canvassing Westminster, at the time that Mr. Paull was his
opponent, when he found himself in company with two Westminster electors.
In the course of conversation, one of them asked his friend to whom he
meant to give his vote? The other replied, "to Paull, certainly; for,
though I think him but a shabby sort of a fellow, I would vote for anyone
rather than that rascal Sheridan!" "Do you know Sheridan?" inquired the
stranger. "Not I, sir," was the answer, "nor should I wish to know him."
The conversation dropped here; but when the party alighted to breakfast,
Sheridan called aside the other gentleman and said, "Pray who is that very
agreeable friend of your's? He is one of the pleasantest fellows I ever met
with; I should be glad to know his name?" "His name is Mr. T.; he is an
eminent lawyer, and resides in Lincoln's Inn Fields." Breakfast being over,
the party resumed their seats in the coach; soon after which, Sheridan
turned the discourse to the law. "It is," said he, "a fine profession. Men
may rise from it to the highest eminence in the state, and it gives vast
scope to the display of talent; many of the most virtuous and noble
characters recorded in our history have been lawyers. I am sorry, however,
to add, that some of the greatest rascals have also been lawyers; but of
all the rascals of lawyers I ever heard of, the greatest is one T., who
lives in Lincoln's Inn Fields." The gentleman fired up at the charge, and
said very angrily, "I am Mr. T., sir." "And I am Mr. Sheridan," was the
reply. The jest was instantly seen; they shook hands, and instead of voting
against the facetious orator, the lawyer exerted himself warmly in
promoting his election.
Sterne.--Sterne used to relate a circumstance which happened to him at
York. After preaching at the cathedral, an old woman whom he observed
sitting on the pulpit stairs, stopped him as he came down, and begged to
know where she should have the honour of hearing him preach the following
Sunday. On leaving the pulpit the next Sunday he found her placed as
before, when she put the same question to him. The following Sunday he was
to preach four miles out of York, which he told her; and to his great
surprise, he found her there too, and the same question was put to him as
he descended from the pulpit. "On which," added he "I took for my text
these words, expecting to find my old woman as before: 'I will grant the
request of this poor widow, lest by her often coming, she weary me,'" One
of the company immediately replied, "Why, Sterne, you omitted the most
applicable part of the passage, which is, 'Though I neither fear God nor
regard man.'"
Sporting.--Burton, in his "Anatomie of Melancholy," tells us of a physician
in Milan, who kept a house for the reception of lunatics, and by way of
cure, used to make his patients stand for a length of time in a pit of
water, some up to the knees, some up to the girdle, and others as high as
the chin, according as they were more or less affected. An inmate of this
establishment, who happened, for the time to be pretty well recovered, was
standing at the door of the house, and seeing a gallant cavalier ride past
with a hawk on his fist, and his spaniels after him, asked, "What all these
preparations meant?" The cavalier answered, "To kill game." "What may the
game be worth which you kill in the course of a year?" rejoined the
patient. "About five or ten crowns." "And what may your horse, dogs, and
hawks, cost you for a year?" "Four hundred crowns." On hearing this, the
patient, with great earnestness of manner, bade the cavalier instantly
begone, as he valued his life and welfare; "for" said he, "if our master
come and find you here, he will put you into his pit up to the very chin."
An American heroine.--During the summer of 1787, writes Mr. McClung, in his
Sketches of Western Adventure, "The house of Mr. John Merrill, of Nelson
County, Kentucky, was attacked by the Indians, and defended with singular
address and good fortune. Merrill was alarmed by the barking of a dog about
midnight, and on opening the door in order to ascertain the cause of the
disturbance, he received the fire of six or seven Indians, by which one arm
and one thigh were broken. He instantly sank upon the floor, and called
upon his wife to close the door. This had scarcely been done when it was
violently assailed by the tomahawks of the enemy, and a large breach soon
effected. Mrs. Merrill, however, being a perfect amazon, both in strength
and courage, guarded it with an axe, and successively killed or wounded
four of the enemy as they attempted to force their way into the cabin. The
Indians ascended the roof, and attempted to enter by way of the chimney;
but here again they were met by the same determined enemy. Mrs. Merrill
seized the only feather bed which the cabin afforded, and hastily ripping
it open, poured its contents upon the fire. A furious blaze and stifling
smoke instantly ascended the chimney, and brought down two of the enemy,
who lay at her mercy. Seizing the axe she quickly despatched them, and was
instantly afterwards summoned to the door, where the only remaining savage
now appeared, endeavoring to effect an entrance. He soon received a gash in
the cheek, which compelled him, with a loud yell, to relinquish his
purpose, and return hastily to Chillicothe, where, he gave an exaggerated
account of the fierceness, strength, and courage of the 'long knife
squaw!'"
Another.--The subject of this anecdote was a sister of General Isaac
Worrell. She died two or three years since in Philadelphia. The following
tribute to her patriotism and humanity, was paid by a New Jersey newspaper,
in July, 1849.--"The deceased was one of those devoted women who aided to
relieve the horrible sufferings of Washington's army at Valley
Forge--cooking and carrying provisions to them alone, through the depth of
winter, even passing through the outposts of the British army in the
disguise of a market woman. And when Washington was compelled to retreat
before a superior force, she concealed her brother, General Worrell--when
the British set a price on his head--in a cider hogshead in the cellar for
three days, and fed him through the bung-hole; the house being ransacked
four different times by the troops in search of him, without success. She
was above ninety years of age at the time of her death."
Tyrolese peasant.--During a conflict at the farm of Rainerhof, in the
Tyrolese war, in 1809, a young woman, who resided at the house, brought out
a small cask of wine, with which to encourage and refresh the peasants: she
had advanced to the scene of action, regardless of the tremendous fire of
the Bavarians, carrying the wine upon her head, when a bullet struck the
cask, and compelled her to let it go. Undaunted by this accident, she
endeavoured to repair the mischief, by placing her thumb upon the orifice
caused by the ball; and then encouraged those nearest her to refresh
themselves quickly, that she might not remain in her dangerous situation,
and suffer for her humane generosity to them.
THE END.
End of Project Gutenberg's The Book of Three Hundred Anecdotes, by Various