broke out in the ship, on account of some unavoidable delay in the clerks
paying some of the crew, in consequence of which they signed what is termed
a round robin, in which they declared, to a man, that they would not fire a
gun till they were paid. Cornwallis, on receiving this declaration, caused
all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed them: "My lads, the
money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as to your not fighting,
that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside the first large ship of the
enemy I see, and I know that the devil himself will not be able to keep you
from it." The tars were so pleased with this compliment that they all
returned to their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the
money ten times over.
SCHOOLS.
Dr. Sheridan had a custom of ringing his scholars to prayers, in the
school-room, at a certain hour every day. The boys were one day very
attentively at prayers, except one, who was stifling a laugh as well as he
could, which arose from seeing a rat descending from the bell-rope into the
room. The poor boy could hold out no longer, but burst into an immoderate
fit of laughter, which set the others off as soon as he pointed out to them
the cause. Sheridan was so provoked that he declared he would whip them all
if the principal culprit was not pointed out to him, which was immediately
done. When this poor boy was hoisted up, and made ready for flogging, the
witty school-master told him that if he said any thing tolerable on the
occasion, as he looked on him as the greatest dunce in his school, he would
forgive him. The trembling culprit, immediately addressed his master in the
following lines.
There was a rat, for want of stairs,
Came down a rope--to go to prayers.
Sheridan instantly dropped the rod, and, instead of a good whipping, gave
him half-a-crown.
Dr. Busby.--A scholar of Dr. Busby went into a parlour where the Doctor had
laid down a fine bunch of grapes for his own eating, took it up, and said
aloud, "I publish the banns between these grapes and my mouth; if any one
knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined
together, let him declare it." The Doctor, being in the next room,
overheard all that was said, and going into the school, ordered the boy who
had eaten his grapes to be _horsed_ on another boy's back; but, before he
proceeded to the usual discipline, he cried out aloud, as the delinquent
had done: "I publish the banns between my rod and this boy's back; if any
one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined
together, let him declare it."--"I forbid the banns." said the boy--"Why
so?" said the Doctor. "Because the parties are not agreed," replied the
boy. This answer so pleased the Doctor, that he ordered the offender to be
set free.
An Appropriate Version.--The late Dr. Adam, Rector of the Grammar School,
Edinburgh, was supposed by his scholars to exercise a strong partiality for
such as were of patrician descent; and on one occasion was very smartly
reminded of it by a boy of mean parentage, whom he was reprehending rather
severely for his ignorance--much more so than the boy thought he would have
done, had he been the son of a _right honourable_, or even less. "You
dunce," exclaimed the rector, "I don't think you can even translate the
motto of your own native place, of the _gude_ town of Edinburgh. What,
sir, does '_Nisi Dominus frustra_,' mean?" "It means, sir," rejoined the
boy, "that unless we are lords' sons, it is in vain to come here."
A Choice.--At a recent examination at Marlborough House Grammar School, a
piece written for the occasion, entitled "Satan's Address to Nena Sahib,"
was to have been recited by two pupils. Only one of the pupils came
forward, Mr. Barrett stating that he could not prevail upon any pupil to
take the part of Nena Sahib, they having such an abhorrence to the
character, though several had offered to take the part of the Devil.
SERVANTS.
Jonas Hanway having once advertised for a coachman, he had a great number
of applicants. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character
answered, he would take him on the terms agreed on: "But," said he, "my
good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform
you, that every evening, after the business of the stable is done, I expect
you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour to attend family prayers.
To this I suppose you can have no objection."--"Why as to that, sir,"
replied the fellow, "I doesn't see much to say against it; but I hope
you'll consider it in my wages!"
Coleridge, among his other speculations, started a periodical, in prose and
verse, entitled _The Watchman_, with the motto, "that all might know the
truth, and that the truth might make us free." He watched in vain! His
incurable want of order and punctuality, and his philosophical theories,
tired out his readers, and the work was discontinued after the ninth
number. Of the unsaleable nature of this publication, he himself relates an
amusing illustration. Happening one morning to rise at an earlier hour than
usual, he observed his servant girl putting an extravagant quantity of
paper into the grate in order to light the fire, and mildly checked her for
her wastefulness: "La! sir," replied Nanny; "it's only _Watchmen_."
The Marquis of Granby having returned from the army in Germany, travelled
with all possible expedition from the English port at which he landed to
London, and finding on his arrival that the king was at Windsor, he
proceeded there in his travelling-dress; where desiring to be instantly
introduced to his majesty, a certain lord came forward, who said he hoped
the noble marquis did not mean to go into the presence of his majesty in so
improper a habit, adding, "'Pon my honour, my lord, you look more like a
_groom_ than a gentleman."--"Perhaps I may," replied the marquis, "and I
give you my word, if you do not introduce me to the king this instant, I
will _act_ like a groom, and _curry_ you in a way you won't like."
The Schoolmaster Abroad.--A young woman meeting her former fellow-servant,
was asked how she liked her place. "Very well."--"Then you have nothing to
complain of?"--"Nothing; only master and missis talk such very bad grammar,
and don't pronounce their H's."
A Soldier's Wife.--The late Duchess of York having desired her housekeeper
to seek out for a new laundress, a decent-looking woman was recommended to
the situation. "But, (said the housekeeper) I am afraid that she will not
suit your royal highness, as she is a soldier's wife, and these people are
generally loose characters." "What is that you say, said the duke, who had
just entered the room. A soldier's wife! Pray, madam, _what is your
mistress?_ If that is all her fault, I desire that the woman may be
immediately engaged."
SIGNS.
A Scotch Innkeeper, who had determined on adopting the sign of Flodden
Well, was much puzzled for a suitable inscription. At length he waited on
Sir Walter Scott, and asked his aid, observing, that "as he had written so
much about it in _Marmion_, he might know something that would do for an
inscription." The poet immediately replied, "Why, man, I think ye cannot do
better than take a verse from the poem itself." The innkeeper expressed his
willingness to do this, when Sir Walter said to him, "Well, then, you have
nothing to do, but just to leave out one letter from the line
'Drink, weary traveller--drink and pray;'
and say instead
'Drink, weary traveller--drink and pay!'"
Dean Swift's barber one day told him that he had taken a public-house. "And
what's your sign?" said the dean. "Oh, the pole and bason; and if your
worship would just write me a few lines to put upon it, by way of motto, I
have no doubt but it would draw me plenty of customers." The dean took out
his pencil, and wrote the following couplet, which long graced the barber's
sign:
"Rove not from _pole_ to _pole_, but step in here,
Where nought excels the _shaving_, but the _beer_."
SOLDIERS.
Equality in Danger.--The French General, Cherin, was once conducting a
detachment through a very difficult defile. He exhorted his soldiers to
endure patiently the fatigues of the march. "It is easy for you to talk,"
said one of the soldiers near him; "you who are mounted on a fine
horse--but we poor devils!"--On hearing these words, Cherin dismounted, and
quickly proposed to the discontented soldier to take his place. The latter
did so; but scarcely had he mounted, when a shot from the adjoining
heights struck and killed him. "You see," says Cherin, addressing his
troops, "that the most elevated place is not the least dangerous." After
which he remounted his horse, and continued the march.
Marshal Suwarrow in his march to the attack of Ockzakow, proceeded with
such rapidity at the head of his advanced guard, that his men began to
murmur at the fatigues they endured. The Marshal, apprized of this
circumstance, after a long day's march, drew his men up in a hollow square,
and addressing them, said, "that his legs had that day discovered some
symptoms of mutiny, as they refused to second the impulses of his mind,
which urged him forward to the attack of the enemy's fortress." He then
ordered his boots to be taken off, and some of the drummers to advance with
their cats, and flog his legs, which ceremony was continued till they bled
considerably. He put on his boots again very coolly, expressing a hope that
his legs would in future better know how to discharge their duty. The
soldiers after that marched on without a murmur, struck at once with the
magnanimity of their commander, and the ingenuity of his device to remind
them of their duty.
Brief Explanation.--A French colonel, in taking a redoubt from the Russians
on the Moskwa, lost twelve hundred of his men, more than one half of whom
remained dead in the entrenchment which they had so energetically carried.
When Bonaparte the next morning reviewed this regiment, he asked the
colonel what he had done with one of his battalions? "Sire," replied he,
"it is in the redoubt."
Death of a Hero.--At the battle of Malplaquet, in 1709, Marshal Villars was
dangerously wounded, and desired to receive the Holy Sacrament. Being
advised to receive in private, he said, "No, if the army cannot see me die
like a hero, they shall see me die as a Christian."
Magdeline de Savoie.--Anne Duc de Montmorenci, who was prime minister and
great constable of France during the reigns of Francis I., Henry II.,
Francis II., and Charles IX., was very unwilling to take up arms against
the Prince of Condé and the Coligny's, to whom he was endeared by the ties
of friendship, as well as those of consanguinity. He was however induced to
give way by the following animated and forcible speech of his wife,
Magdeline de Savoie: "It is then in vain, sir, that you have taken as a
motto to your escutcheon, the word of command that your ancestors always
gave at the outset of every battle in which they were engaged (_Dieu aide
du premier Chretien_). If you do not fight with all your energy in defence
of that religion which is now attempted to be destroyed, who then is to
give an example of respect and of veneration for the Holy See, if not he
who takes his very name, his arms, his nobility, from the first baron of
France who professed the holy religion of Christ?"
A Relay of Legs.--Rivardes, a Piedmontese, had attached himself to the
house of France, and was much esteemed as a soldier. He had lost one of his
legs, and had worn a wooden one for some time, when in an engagement a ball
carried off the latter, leaving him the other safe and sound. On being
raised up, he exclaimed laughingly, "What fools these fellows are! They
would have saved their shot had they known that I had two others equally
good among my baggage."
Present!--During the Crimean war a French captain wrote to the Curé of his
native place in these words: "I endeavour to regulate my affairs in such
sort, that if God should address to me the call, I may be able to answer,
_Present!_" Not long after this the brave captain met his death under the
walls of Sebastopol.
Quartering.--At an election for Shrewsbury, in the reign of George I., a
half-pay officer, who was a nonresident burgess, was, with some other
voters, brought down from London at the expense of Mr. Kynaston, one of the
candidates. The old campaigner regularly attended and feasted at the houses
which were opened for the electors in Mr. Kynaston's interest until the
last day of the polling, when, to the astonishment of the party, he gave
his vote to his opponent. For this strange conduct he was reproached by his
quondam companions, and asked what could have induced him to act so
dishonourable a part as to become an apostate. "An apostate," answered the
old soldier, "an apostate! by no means--I made up my mind about whom I
would vote for before I set out upon this campaign, but I remembered
Marlborough's constant advice to us when I served with the army in
Flanders, 'Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads--always quarter upon the
enemy.'"
Seeking for a Ball.--The Count de Grancé being wounded in the knee with a
musket ball, the surgeons made many incisions. At last, losing patience, he
asked them why they treated him so unmercifully? "We are seeking for the
ball," said they. "Why then did you not speak before?" said the Count, "I
could have saved you the trouble, for I have it in my pocket."
Turenne.--In the year 1675, the Council of Vienna sent Montecuculi to
oppose Turenne, as the only officer that was thought to be a match for him.
Both generals were perfect masters of the art of war. They passed four
months in watching each other, and in marches and counter-marches; at
length Turenne thought he had got his rival into such a situation as he
wanted, near Saltsbach, when, going to choose a place to erect a battery,
he was unfortunately struck by a cannon shot, which killed him on the spot.
The same ball having carried away the arm of St. Hilaire,
lieutenant-general of the artillery, his son, who was near, could not
forbear weeping. "Weep not for me," said Hilaire, "but for the brave man
who lies there, whose loss to his country nothing can repair."
Generosity of Turenne.--The deputies of a great metropolis in Germany, once
offered the great Turenne one hundred thousand crowns not to pass with his
army through their city. "Gentlemen," said he, "I cannot in conscience
accept your money, as I had no intention to pass that way."
TEMPER.
Henderson, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at Oxford,
he was one day debating with a fellow student, who, not keeping his temper,
threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; upon which Henderson took out
his handkerchief, wiped his face, and coolly said, "That, sir, was a
digression; now for the argument."
Peter the Great made a law in 1722, that if any nobleman beat or ill-treat
his slaves he should be looked upon as insane, and a guard should be
appointed to take care of his person and his estate. This great monarch
once struck his gardener, who being a man of great sensibility, took to his
bed, and died in a few days. Peter, hearing of this, exclaimed, with tears
in his eyes, "Alas! I have civilized my own subjects; I have conquered
other nations; yet I have not been able to civilize or conquer myself."
Fletcher, of Saltown, is well known to have possessed a most irritable
temper. His footman desired to be dismissed. "Why do you leave me?" said
he. "Because, sir," to speak the truth, "I cannot bear your temper." "To be
sure, I am passionate, but my passion is no sooner on than it is off."
"Yes, sir," replied the servant, "but then it is no sooner off than it is
on."
A Neat Reply.--In certain debates in the House of Lords, in 1718, the bills
proposed were opposed by Bishop Atterbury, who said, "he had prophesied
last winter, that this bill would be attempted in the present session, and
he was sorry to find he had proved a true prophet." Lord Coningsby, who
usually spoke in a passion, rose, and remarked, that "one of the right
reverends had set himself forth as a prophet; but for his part, he did not
know what prophet to liken him to, unless to that famous prophet Balaam,
who was reproved by his own ass." The bishop, in reply, with great
readiness and temper exposed this rude attack, concluding in these words:
"Since the noble lord hath discovered in our manners such a similitude, I
must be content to be compared to the prophet Balaam; but, my lords, I am
at a loss how to make out the other part of the parallel. I am sure that I
have been reproved by nobody but his lordship." From that day forth, Lord
Coningsby was called "Atterbury's Pad."
Dr. Hough, of Worcester, was remarkable for evenness of temper, of which
the following story affords a proof. A young gentleman, whose family had
been well acquainted with the doctor, in making the tour of England before
he went abroad, called to pay his respects to him as he passed by his seat
in the country. It happened to be at dinner-time, and the room full of
company. The bishop, however, received him with much familiarity; but the
servant in reaching him a chair, threw down a curious weather-glass that
had cost twenty guineas, and broke it. The gentleman was under infinite
concern, and began to make an apology for being the occasion of the
accident, when the bishop with great good nature interrupted him. "Be under
no concern, sir," said his lordship, smiling, "for I am much beholden to
you for it. We have had a very dry season; and now I hope we shall have
rain. I never saw the glass so _low_ in my life." Every one was pleased
with the humour and pleasantry of the turn; and the more so, as the Doctor
was then more than eighty, a time of life when the infirmities of old age
make most men peevish and hasty.
A Test.--A cobbler at Leyden, who used to attend the public disputations
held at the academy, was once asked if he understood Latin? "No," replied
the mechanic, "but it is easy to know who is wrong in the argument." "How?"
enquired his friend. "Why, by seeing who is first angry."
Casaubon, in his "Treatise on the Passions," relates the following pleasing
anecdote of Robert, one of the greatest monarchs that ever swayed the
sceptre of France. Having once surprised a rogue who had cut away the half
of his mantle, he took no other notice of the offence than by saying
mildly to him, "Save thyself, sinner, and leave the rest for another who
may have need of it."
Garrick once complained to Sir Joshua Reynolds of the abuse with which he
was loaded by Foote, when Sir Joshua answered, that Foote, in so doing,
gave the strongest possible proof of being in the wrong; as it was always
the man who had the worst side who became violent and abusive.
TIME, VALUE OF.
Spare Moments.--The great French Chancellor D'Aguesseau carefully employed
every moment of his time. Observing that Madame D'Aguesseau always delayed
ten or twelve minutes before she came down to dinner, he began to compose a
work to which he intended to devote these few minutes, which would
otherwise have been lost. The result was, at the end of fifteen years, a
work in three large quarto volumes, which went through several editions.
Buffon thus relates the manner in which he acquired a habit of early
rising. "In my youth," says he, "I was excessively fond of sleep, and that
indolence robbed me of much time. My poor Joseph (a domestic who served him
for sixty-five years) was of the greatest benefit to me in overcoming it. I
promised him a crown for every time he should make me get up at six
o'clock. He failed not the next day to rouse me, but I only abused and
threatened him. He tried the day following, and I did the same, which made
him desist. 'Friend Joseph,' said I to him at last, 'I have lost my time
and you have gained nothing. You do not know how to manage the matter.
Think only of my promise, and do not regard my threatenings.' The day
following he accomplished his point. At first I begged, then entreated and
abused, and would have discharged him; but he disregarded me, and raised me
up by absolute force. He had his reward every day for my ill-humour at the
moment of waking, by thanks, and a crown an hour after. I owe to poor
Joseph at least ten or twelve volumes of my works."
Cuvier, the celebrated naturalist, was singularly careful of his time, and
did not like those who entered his house to deprive him of it. "I know,"
said he, "that Monsieur l'Abbé Hauy comes to see _me_; our conversation is
an exchange; but I do not want a man to come and tell me whether it is hot
or cold, raining or sunshine. My barometer and thermometer know more than
all possible visitors; and in my studies in natural history," added he, "I
have not found in the whole animal kingdom a species, or class, or family,
who frighten me so much as the numerous family of _idlers_"
Dr. Pepusch.--"In one of my visits, very early in life, to that venerable
master, Dr. Pepusch," says Dr. Burney, "he gave me a short lesson, which
made so deep an impression that I long endeavoured to practise it. 'When I
was a young man,' said he, 'I determined never to go to bed at night, till
I knew something that I did not know in the morning.'"
TRAVELLING.
A Tiresome Companion.--The celebrated George Selwyn was once travelling,
and was interrupted by the frequent impertinence of a companion, who was
constantly teasing him with questions, and asking him how he did. "How are
you now, sir?" said the impertinent. George, in order to get rid of his
importunity, replied, "Very well: and I intend to continue so all the rest
of the journey."
Charles Lamb.--A farmer, by chance a companion in a coach with Charles
Lamb, kept boring him to death with questions, in the jargon of
agriculturists, about crops. At length he put a poser--"And pray, sir, how
are turnips this year?" "Why that, sir," stammered out Lamb, "will depend
upon the boiled legs of mutton."
Clans.--An English gentleman travelling through the Highlands, came to the
inn of Letter Finlay, in the braes of Lochaber. He saw no person near the
inn, and knocked at the door. No answer. He knocked repeatedly with as
little success; he then opened the door, and walked in. On looking about,
he saw a man lying on a bed, whom he hailed thus: "Are there any Christians
in this house?" "No," was the reply, "we are all Camerons."
Welcome Sight.--A writer of a modern book of travels, relating the
particulars of his being cast away, thus concludes: "After having walked
eleven hours without having traced the print of human foot, to my great
comfort and delight, I saw a man hanging upon a gibbet; my pleasure at the
cheering prospect was inexpressible; for it convinced me that I was in a
civilized country!"
WAR.
Camp Dinner.--During the war, in which the eccentric Count Schaumbourg
Lippe commanded the artillery in the army of Prince Frederick of Brunswick,
against the French, he one day invited several Hanoverian officers to dine
with him in his tent. When the company were in high spirits, and full of
gaiety, several cannon balls flew in different directions about the tent.
"The French," exclaimed the officers, "are not far off." "No, no," replied
the Count, "the enemy, I assure you, are at a great distance; keep your
seats." The firing soon afterwards recommenced; when one of the balls
carrying away the top of the tent, the officers suddenly rose from their
chairs, exclaiming, "The French are here!" "No," replied the Count, "the
French are not here; and, therefore, gentlemen, I desire you will again sit
down, and rely upon my word." The balls continued to fly about; the
officers, however, continued to eat and drink without apprehension, though
not without whispering their conjectures to each other upon the singularity
of their entertainment. The Count, at length, rose from the table, and
addressing himself to the company, said, "Gentlemen, I was willing to
convince you how well I can rely upon the officers of my artillery; for I
ordered them to fire during the time we continued at dinner, at the
pinnacle of the tent, and they have executed my orders with great
punctuality."
A Ragged Regiment.--In 1690, the French attacked and defeated the Prince of
Waldeck at Fleurus. During this action, a lieutenant-colonel of a French
regiment was on the point of charging. Not knowing how to animate his men,
who were discontented at having commenced the campaign without being fresh
clothed, he said to them, "My friends, I congratulate you, that you have
the good fortune to be in presence of a regiment newly clothed. Charge them
vigorously, and we will clothe ourselves." This pleasantry so inspired the
soldiers, that they rushed on, and speedily defeated the regiment.