Have just discovered that the pretty girl I met at the dance the other
night is a lady nurse at Charing Cross Hospital. Such a nice girl!
What a charming nurse she must be! Almost wish I was laid up at the
hospital. In fact, quite wish it. But I can't be. Another outrage
on the miserable, downtrodden, middle class. If I were one of the
fortunate, pampered masses, a Working Man, I should be nursed by her,
if I were ill, and by others, perhaps, like her. Stay! There is
a chance. If I could be damaged in an accident--not too much
damaged--and carried to the hospital, they must look after me, and
nurse me. They couldn't help themselves. Northumberland Avenue--the
very place! Never cross it without being nearly run over.
Go straight there and look eagerly for the usual rushing hansoms.
Here's one. Stroll in front of it. Driver pulls aside, shouts and
swears at me, and goes on. Reflect that some caution is necessary. If
the wheel went over my neck, even her ministrations would be useless.
Must be run over judiciously. Better only be knocked down. Stroll
across road again. Here comes one. Shouts from driver. A large splash
of mud in my eye. And that's all. These cabmen drive so absurdly well.
They pull up, or pull aside, or pull somewhere instantly. Wipe my eye,
and then see something better. Old lady's brougham, from the suburbs,
driven by the sort of coachman who also works in the garden. He won't
be able to pull aside quickly. Stroll in front of horse. Shouts from
gardening coachman. Horse nearly on me. Suddenly pulled back by fussy
policeman, who says I had a narrow escape. Hang the fellow, of course
I did! Am obliged to give him ten shillings for his prompt action.
Begin to despair of this accident. Stroll on nearly to Embankment.
Immense van coming along at a trot. Much too heavy. I should be
smashed flat. And this driver seems to want to run over me. Escape
with difficulty by jumping aside. At that moment something hits my
legs, I am thrown down, and a wheel passes over my foot. It is a
costermonger's donkey-cart which was racing the van. How ignominious!
To be knocked down by a donkey and run over by a truck! Very painful
too. Feel as if I should faint. Picked up by sympathetic people who
rush to me. Say feebly to them, "Take me to the hospital." Then faint.
After a short time open my eyes. Am being carried in somewhere. At
last! I shall forget the pain. I am in the hospital. She will nurse
me! _She_--oh, heavens! Though I have planned it all, suppose I ought
to murmur, "Where am I?" Do so. "In St. Thomas's Hospital," says
somebody.
_A fortnight later._--And I am in it still.
* * * * *
According to a paragraph last week in the _Westminster Gazette_,
quoting from the _Australian Review of Reviews_, it appears that the
Earl of YARMOUTH has been making a sensation in the Colonies as a
"Skirt-dancer." Queer fish this nobleman! belongs to the Bloater
Aristocracy.
* * * * *
A NOBLE PLUNGER.--One day last week in the _Times_ appeared an article
headed "_Lord Rayleigh on Waves_." Rather early for sea-bathing, eh?
Evidently so, such prominence having been given to the fact by the
leading journal.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
_Mr. Punch_ (_welcoming Miss Spring-time_). 'GLAD TO SEE YOU, MY DEAR!
BEGAN TO THINK YOU WERE NEVER COMING!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "ANIMAL SPIRITS."