I had often told Eleanore of Joe. She had asked me about him many times.
"It's queer," she had said, "what a hold he must have had on you. I feel
sure he's just the kind of a person I wouldn't like and who wouldn't
like me. I don't think he's really your kind either, and yet he has a
hold on you still. Yes, he has, I can feel he has."
And to-night when I told her that I had been with him,
"What did he want of you?" she asked.
"He wants me to drop everything," I answered. And I tried to give her
some idea of what he had said.
But as I talked, the thought came suddenly into my mind that here at
last was the very time to settle my life one way or the other, to ask
her if she would be my wife. I grew excited and confused, my voice
sounding unnatural to my ears. And as I talked on about Joe, my heart
pounding, I could barely keep the thoughts in line.
"And I don't want what he wants," I ended desperately. "That nor
anything like it. I want just what I've been getting--just this kind of
work and life. And I want _you_--for life, I mean--if you can ever feel
like that."
Eleanore said nothing. In an instant the world and everything in it had
narrowed to the two of us. The intensity was unbearable. I rose abruptly
and turned away. I felt suddenly far out of my depth. Confusedly and
furiously I felt that I had bungled things, that here was something in
life so strange I could do nothing with it. What a young fool I was to
have thought she could ever care for a fellow like me! I felt she must
be smiling. Despairingly I turned to see.
And Eleanore was smiling--in a way that steadied me in a flash. For her
smile was so plainly a quick, strong effort to steady herself.
"I'm glad you want me like that," she said, in a voice that did not
sound like hers. "I don't believe in hiding things.... I'm--very happy."
She looked down at her hands in her lap and they slowly locked together.
"But of course it means our whole lives, you see--and we mustn't hurry
or make a mistake. Now that we know--this much--we can talk about it
quite openly--about each other and what we want--what kinds of
lives--what we believe in--whether we'd be best for each other. It's
what we ought to talk about--a good many times--it may be weeks."
"All right," I agreed. I was utterly changed. At her first words I had
felt a deep rush of relief, and seeing her tremendous pluck and the
effort she was making, I pitied, worshiped and loved her all in the same
moment. And as we talked on for a few minutes more in that grave and
unnaturally sensible way about the pros and cons of it all, these
feelings within me mounted so swiftly that all at once I again broke
off.
"I don't believe there's any use in this," I declared. "It's perfectly
idiotic!"
"Of course it is," she promptly agreed.
And then after a rigid instant when each of us looked at the other as
though asking, "Quick! What are we going to do?"--she burst out laughing
excitedly. So did I, and that carried her into my arms and--I remember
nothing--until after a while she asked me to go, because she wanted to
be by herself. And I noticed how bright and wet were her eyes.
I saw them still in the darkness down along the river front, where I
walked for half the rest of the night, stopping to draw a deep breath
of the sea and laugh excitedly and go on.
* * * * *
Life changed rapidly after that night. I grew so absorbed in Eleanore
and in all that was waiting just ahead, that it was hard not to shut out
everything else, most of all impersonal things. It was hard to write,
and for days I wrote nothing. I remember only intimate talks. Everyone I
talked to seemed to be deeply personal.
I told my father about it the next evening before supper. I found him in
his old chair in the study buried deep in his paper.
"Say, Dad--would you mind coming up to your room?" He smote his paper to
one side.
"What the devil," he asked, "do I want to come up to my room for?"
"I've--the fact is I've something you ought to know." I could hear Sue
in the other room.
"All right, my boy," he said nervously. As he followed me he kept
clearing his throat. Sue must have guessed and prepared him. In his room
he fussed about, grunted hard over getting off his shoes and, finding
his slippers, then lay back on his sofa with his hands behind his head
and uttered an explosive sigh.
"All right, son, now fire ahead," he said jocosely. I loved him at that
moment.
"You know Eleanore Dillon," I began.
"She turned you down!"
"No! She took me!"
"The devil you say!" He sat bolt upright, staring. "Well, my boy, I'm
very glad," he said thickly. His eyes were moist. "I'm glad--glad! She's
a fine girl--strong character--strong! I wish your poor mother were
alive--she'd be happy--this girl will make a good wife--you must bring
her right here to live with us!"
And so he talked on, his voice trembling. Then out of his confusion rose
the money question, and at once his mind grew clear. And to my surprise
he urged me to lose no time in looking around for "some good, steady
position" in a magazine office. My writing I could do at night.
"It's so uncertain at best," he said. "It's nothing you can count on.
And you've got to think of a wife and children. _Her_ father has no
money saved."
I found he'd been looking Dillon up, and this jarred on me horribly. But
still worse was his lack of faith in my writing. I was making four
hundred dollars a month, and it was a most unpleasant jolt to have it
taken so lightly.
I went down to Sue. As I came into the living room she met me suddenly
at the door. In a moment her arms were about my neck and she was saying
softly:
"I know what it is, dear, and I'm glad--I'm awfully glad. If I've been
horrid about it ever, please forgive me. I'm sure now it's just the life
you want!"
And that evening, while Dad slept in his chair, Sue and I had a long
affectionate talk. We drew closer than we had been for months. She was
eager to hear everything, she wanted to know all our plans. When I tried
at last to turn our talk to herself and our affairs at home, at first
she would not hear to it.
"My dear boy," she said affectionately, "you've had these worries long
enough. You're to run along now and be happy and leave this house to Dad
and me."
I slipped my arm around her:
"Look here, Sis, let's see this right. You can't run here on what Dad
earns, and if you try to work yourself you'll only hurt him terribly. My
idea is to help as before, without letting him know that I'm doing it.
Make him think you've cut expenses."
It took a long time to get her consent.
The next night I went to Eleanore's father. He received me quietly, and
with a deep intensity under that steady smile of his, which reminded me
so much of hers, he spoke of all she had meant to him and of her brave
search for a big, happy life. He told how he had watched her with me
slowly making up her mind.
"It took a long time, but it's made up now," he said. "And now that it
is, she's the kind that will go through anything for you that can ever
come up in your life." He looked at me squarely, still smiling a little,
frankly letting his new affection come into his eyes. "I wish I knew all
that's going to happen," he added, almost sadly. "I hope you'll get used
to telling me things--talking things over--anything--no matter
what--where I can be of the slightest help."
Then he, too, spoke of money. He meant to keep up her allowance, he
said, and he had insured his life for her. Again, as with my father, I
felt that disturbing lack of faith in my work. I spoke of it to Eleanore
and she looked at me indignantly.
"You must never think of it like that," she said. "I won't have you
writing for money. Dad has never worked that way and you're not to do it
on any account--least of all on account of me. Whatever you make we'll
live on, and that's all there is to be said--except that we'll live
splendidly," she added very gaily, "and we won't spend the finest part
of our lives saving up for rainy days. We'll take care of the rain when
it rains, and we'll have some wonderful times while we can."
We decided at once on a trip abroad as soon as I had finished my work.
And I remember writing hard, and reading it aloud to her and rewriting
over and over again, for Eleanore could be severe. But I remember, too,
more trips in her boat to gather the last odds and ends. I remember how
the big harbor took on a new glory to our eyes, mingled with all the
deep personal joys and small troubles and crises we went through, the
puzzles and the questionings and the glad discoveries that made up the
swift growth of our love.
And though I never once thought of Joe Kramer, he had prophesied
aright. I belonged wholly now to Dillon's world, a world of clean
vigorous order that seemed to welcome me the more as I wrote in praise
of its power. And happy over my success, and in love and starting life
anew with all the signs so bright--how could I have any doubts of my
harbor?
We were married very quietly late one April afternoon. It rained, I
remember, all that day, but the next was bright and clear for our
sailing. In our small stateroom on the ship we found a note from the
company, a large, engraved impressive affair, presenting their best
wishes and asking us to accept for the voyage one of their most
luxurious cabins.
"This is what comes," said Eleanore gaily, "of being the wife of a
writer."
"Or the daughter," I said softly, "of a very wonderful engineer."
"You darling boy!"
We moved up to a large sunny cabin. I remember her swiftly reading the
telegrams and letters there as though to get them all out of the way. I
remember her unpacking and taking possession of our first home.
"We're married, aren't we," said a voice.
There was only one more good-by to be said. On the deck, as we went out
of the harbor, Eleanore stood by the rail. I felt her hand close tight
on mine and I saw her eyes glisten a little with tears.
"What a splendid place it has been," she said.