I fear that if he comes Otto might kill him. Otto is so calm, I dread
to think of what would happen if he were aroused.
Next Day.
I have told Otto about Alexis. I have told him that Alexis is a
soldier, that he is in the Guards of the Czar, and that I am betrothed
to him. At first Otto would not listen to me. He feared that his anger
might overmaster him. He began folding up his camp-stool.
Then I told him that Alexis would not come for some time yet, and he
grew calmer.
I have begged him for my sake not to kill Alexis. He has given me his
promise.
Another Day.
Ivan Ivanovitch, my father, has heard from Alexis. He will return in
fourteen days. The day after his return I am to marry him.
And meantime I have still fourteen days to love Otto.
My love is perfect. It makes me want to die. Last night I tried again
to commit suicide. Why should I live now that I have known a perfect
love? I placed a box of cartridges beside my bed. I awoke unharmed.
They did not kill me. But I know what it means. It means that Otto and
I are to die together. I must tell Otto.
Later.
To-day I told Otto that we must kill ourselves, that our love is so
perfect that we have no right to live.
At first he looked so strange.
He suggested that I should kill myself first and that he should starve
himself beside my grave.
But I could not accept the sacrifice.