OF UNIVERSITY HONORS AND THE WAY THEY ARE OBTAINED.
"O this learning! what a thing it is!"--_Shakspeare._
"You do ill to teach the child such words: he teaches him to hick and
to hack, which they'll do fast enough of themselves; and to call horum;
fye upon you!"--_Idem._
How young Wheelwright had ever accomplished even what has already been
indicated, was a matter of astonishment to himself; and before many
months had passed away, to every body else, for his subsequent
acquirements did not correspond thereunto. In good sooth it is believed
that he never really mastered a single lesson afterward. Having
succeeded in getting _into_ the college, it was a very rational
conclusion that he would some day find his way _out_ of it. He knew
that the four years would pass away in less than five; and as he had
turned student to avoid hard labor, why should he fatigue himself by
digging at the roots of hard language! It was either from sheer
indolence, or because he had completely exhausted himself in his
preparatory studies, that he made no farther advances in literature,
although he kept within its flowery walks. I have already mentioned a
snug little orchard, which, in truth, was one of rare productiveness,
and of which his father's industry had made him the proprietor. The
produce of this orchard, both of apples and cider, added to, and in
connection with, his imperturbable good nature, enabled Daniel to
maintain the popularity among the students of which I have spoken in a
former chapter. The reader will not be surprised, therefore, to learn
that he succeeded in obtaining an election as a member of the
_Philo-Peitho-logicalethian Institute_--a society, as its name imports,
learned in all that is eloquent, logical and veracious--and of which, I
am proud to say, the distinguished subject of this memoir had the honor
once of being chosen semi-monthly secretary, after a sharp and close
canvass. In the transactions of this society the principal forte of
Daniel was debating; albeit the character of his elocution was not the
most brilliant, and it was not often until after the ayes and noes were
called, that it could be determined from the drift of his argument,
which side he had espoused, or in fact whether he himself understood
the proposition--unless, indeed, as was sometimes the case, he
commenced his speech by saying, "Mr. President, I _are_ in favor of the
negative of that are question." In the ordinary tasks of his class he
contrived from day to day, by the promptings of others, to work his way
along; and previous to the quarterly examinations, it was his practice
to obtain the assistance of some of his classmates to go over his
exercises with him, which they very cheerfully did, as an evening could
always be comfortably spent in this way, over a pitcher of cider and a
basket of apples. Having a pretty good memory, Dan could retain a part
of his lesson, guess at another part, and catch the wings and legs of
the residue from the promptings of friends--although he so greatly
outstripped them in growth, that it became difficult to send the
necessarily subdued sounds of their corrections up to his anxious ears.
It was a kind and indulgent class of which he was a member, and of no
ordinary character--it having furnished the president of one
university; the chief manager, for years, of half the Christian
missionaries in heathendom; and its full share of learned professors,
sagacious legislators, and eloquent counsellors in the law. And as the
truly great are ever the most active in labors of love, its members
were always ready and willing to lend our hero a helping hand in
"climbing" the difficult "steep" which Dr. Beattie pronounces so "hard"
of access. Still, at the close of every quarter, he was regularly "read
off," as the declaration of deficiency is denominated, and threatened
with degradation. But he nevertheless kept along; how, his biographer
cannot tell;--all that he is able to say upon this point, being the
fact, that the close of every academic year found him one year older,
somewhat taller, and advanced one grade higher in his classic course.
Whether on the ground of proficiency, of size, of family influence, or
for the purpose of swelling the catalogue by another name, the reader
is left to determine for himself.
The earth having at length nearly completed her fourth annual circle
around the orb of day, since Daniel commenced his collegiate course,
the anniversary at which he was to take his degree, if he could get it,
was rapidly approaching, for which occasion it may well be supposed he
was no better prepared than he should be. The faculty, however, were
indulgent, and had, moreover, even at that early day, hit upon the
happy expedient of awarding to every member of the graduating class an
honor of some sort, the delivery of an oration or a poem,--taking
especial care, by the way, to note in the _proces verbal_ of the
exercises that those students who were too poor to purchase, and too
stupid to manufacture, either the one or the other, had been excused
from taking the part assigned;--a convenient device, by which many a
deceived and doting parent has been adroitly blinded. It was in this
way that the faculty determined to dispose of the subject of this
memoir; and an Irish professor, who was an incontinent snuff-taker, and
sometimes a little mischievous withal, caused him to be announced for a
poem. Alike to the amusement and the astonishment of every body,
although he had no ear for numbers, and scarcely knew a dactyl from a
spondee, Daniel accepted the honor. Nor, after all, was he so much of a
fool as many people took him to be; and, whether by the process of
counting his fingers, or by some other means, I cannot say, but still I
have known him to bring out several stanzas of Hudibrastic metre,
sweetly rhyming "trees" with "breeze," "love" with "dove," "zephyr"
with "heifer," &c. Indeed I have likewise known him to be guilty of
positive waggery; but it must be confessed that in this line his
attempts were few and far between, and not always successful. He had
seen, however, that the professor, though not exactly poking fun at
him, had nevertheless intended a sly touch of irony upon his
proverbially prosing character. He therefore determined to "be up to
him," as the fancy have it; and having somewhere found the copy of an
obsolete satirical epic which an enamored snuff-taker had once
addressed to a mistress, who could reciprocate the interjection over
her snuff box,--
"Knows he the joys that my nose knows!"
Wheelwright copied it out, and presented it to the faculty as his own
composition. Being addicted to the use of the titillating powder
himself, it was but a reasonable supposition on his own part, that it
would give no offence. It commenced thus:--
Softly waft, ye southern breezes,
Bear my plaints to her I _love_--
Say to her whene'er she sneezes,
Sympathy my muscles _move_;
My true-love is formed of graces,
Takes cephalic, likes a quid,
And is beauteous as the faces
Carved on an _Irish_ snuff-box lid.
_Cetera desunt._
The hit at the rhetoric-professor's snuff-box was only understood by
those who had seen the article referred to; and on the whole, the
performance was considered a very clever _jeu-d'esprit_ by the faculty,
who knew nothing of its paternity, and set it down as his own. Still,
as being hardly in keeping with the gravity of the occasion, it was
rejected as a part of the public exercises of the commencement.
Anticipating this result, however, Daniel had provided himself, by
virtue of a basket of Spitzenbergs, with a few stanzas of metre,
entitled "An Ode on Ambition," which were more successful. It was
written by a young gentleman who has since taken several silver cups
for theatrical prize-addresses, full of phoenixes, and the Greek
classics from Lempriere. He has also been a large contributor to those
beautifully printed, useful, and fashionable hebdomadals, the
Milliners' Literary Gazette, Young Ladies' Companion, _et id genus
omne_. The ode ran thus:--
The warrior fights, and dies for fame--
The empty glories of a name;--
But we who linger round this spot,
The warrior's guerdon covet Nott.
Nott for the miser's glittering heap
Within these walls is bartered sleep;
The humble scholar's quiet lot
With dreams of wealth is troubled Nott.
While poring o'er the midnight lamp,
In rooms too cold, and sometimes damp,
O man, who land and cash hast got,
Thy life of ease we envy Nott.
Our troubles here are light and few;--
An empty purse when bills fall due,
A locker, without e'er a shot,--
Hard recitations, or a Knot.
Ty problem, which we can't untie,--
Our only shirt hung out to dry,--
A chum who never pays his scot,--
Such ills as these we value Nott.
O, cherished *****! learning's home,
Where'er the fates may bid us roam,
Though friends and kindred be forgot,
Be sure we shall forget thee Nott.
For years of peaceful, calm content,
To science and hard study lent,
Though others thy good name may blot,
T'were wondrous if we loved thee Nott.
There was a touch of waggery, if not of mischief, in these verses,
which happened to escape detection from the faculty, though not very
artfully concealed. But the terminations of the stanzas rendered the
thing transparent to the audience during the delivery, as was quite
manifest from the general movement of their risibles. But Wheelwright
was himself as ignorant of the pun as the faculty were, until both were
enlightened the following week, when the real author caused it to be
published in the _Cistula Literaria_--an interesting journal, edited by
a committee of the junior class--with a capital "N" and a superfluous
"t" in the monosyllable referred to, as it appears in the present
memoir. The conceit was _Nott_ thought a bad one, and those who were
not in the secret gave my hero more credit for his metrical skill, than
he has ever received since.
Thus borne along upon the current with his class, Wheelwright was
admitted _ad gradum in artibus_--a certificate of which fact he took
care to have elegantly filled out upon the largest and handsomest
scroll of parchment that could be procured. It was of course verified
by the signature of the Reverend Præses, and decorated with an enormous
seal, representing, very appropriately in the present and many other
instances the Temple of Science perched upon an _inaccessible_ hill. At
the base of the hill, stood the goddess of Wisdom with her favorite
bird (the owl) upon her shoulder, and pointing the attention of young
aspirants to its beetling summit. The motto was "_Perseverantia omnia
vincit_," a very consoling legend to the numerous alumni proceeding
annually from this venerable university.
With the subject of this history, and perhaps with many others also,
the puzzle was to construe this splendid testimonial for the
edification of his simple-minded parents, when he came home with the
burden of his blushing honors. But in this effort we question whether
he ever succeeded. Indeed it has always been a grave matter of doubt
among philologers, whether the document was even capable of being
rendered into English, in conformity with the laws of any language
which the human race has ever spoken, since the low Dutch and the
Basque dispersed our ambitious ancestors at the building of Babel.