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Transcriber's Note
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the book.
* * * * *
[Illustration: cover art]
[Illustration]
[Illustration: frontispiece]
BILL THE MINDER
_Written and
illustrated by_
W.HEATH
ROBINSON
NEW YORK
HENRY HOLT & CO.
1912
[Illustration]
Edinburgh: T. and A. CONSTABLE, Printers to His Majesty
TO
THE GOOD CHILDREN
OF CHLOE AND CRISPIN
THE GATHERER OF
MUSHROOMS---CHAD,
HANNIBAL, QUENTIN,
RANDALL, NOAH, RATCHETT,
NERO, BIDDULPH,
KNUT, AND THE TRULY
VIRTUOUS AND BEAUTIFUL
BOADICEA, THIS
BOOK IS MOST HUMBLY
AND RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED
BY THE FAITHFUL
NARRATOR OF THEIR
EVER-WONDERFUL ADVENTURES.
[Illustration]
CONTENTS
[Illustration]
CONTENTS
PAGE
BILL THE MINDER 1
THE KING OF TROY 15
THE ANCIENT MARINER 33
THE TRIPLETS 51
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA 65
THE DOCTOR 79
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN 97
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN 115
THE INTERVAL 133
THE REAL SOLDIER 147
THE WILD MAN 165
THE MUSICIAN 183
THE LOST GROCER 199
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE 213
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS 227
THE SIEGE OF TROY 241
THE END 255
[Illustration]
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS
COLOURED PLATES
FRONTISPIECE
THE KING OF TROY COMPELLED TO ASK HIS WAY _To face page_ 30
THE SPORT OF EVERY MER-KID " 48
HE WAS ALWAYS AT HAND " 58
I FELL FROM MY POSITION " 72
THE LORD MAYOR HELD A LONG COUNCIL " 88
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN " 110
BASIL HERBERT DEVELOPS A CHILBLAIN " 122
AND LEFT HIM TO HAVE HIS CRY OUT " 140
REGINALD COMPLETELY LOST HIS TEMPER " 156
HARMLESS INDEED WERE OUR JOYS " 168
AND PLAYED IT FOR MY DELIGHT " 190
FOLLOWED HIM AT THE GREATEST SPEED " 208
BRINGING WITH THEM A LITTLE OLD MAN " 216
THEY CAME UPON A GREAT STONE SPHINX " 230
CLOSELY OBSERVED FROM THE WATCH TOWERS " 244
BILL THE MINDER
PAGE
TITLE-PAGE 1
HEADPIECE 2
HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC 7
ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING 10
YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES 11
THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT 13
TAILPIECE 14
THE KING OF TROY
TITLE-PAGE 15
HEADPIECE 16
HE CLIMBED THE RICK 18
HE COMMENCED HIS TALE 21
WHAT A TIME WE HAD 26
TAILPIECE 31
VIGNETTE 32
THE ANCIENT MARINER
TITLE-PAGE 33
HEADPIECE 34
I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY 39
I WENT ON WITH MY SANDWICHES 42
FOR YEARS WE SAILED 47
TAILPIECE 49
VIGNETTE 50
THE TRIPLETS
TITLE-PAGE 51
HEADPIECE 52
ENDEAVOURING TO COMFORT THE OLD MAN 55
WE GREW UP IN COMPARATIVE HAPPINESS 58
THE TRIPLETS ACCOMPANY THE ARMY 63
TAILPIECE 64
GOOD AUNT GALLADIA
TITLE-PAGE 65
HEADPIECE 66
I JUST MANAGED TO REACH THE EGGS 71
I ANGLE THE AIR 72
I ERECTED MY POLE ON THE SAND 73
ITS OLD STATELY SELF AGAIN 75
THE DOCTOR
TITLE-PAGE 79
HEADPIECE 80
FAR SOONER HAVE THE MUMPS 83
THE PUFF BAKER 87
TREATED WITH DELICIOUS JALAPS 88
AS SOME PATIENT PREPARED HIS DOSE 89
THE VERY SPARROWS GREW THIN 91
POSTCARD 94
POSTCARD 95
TAILPIECE 96
THE RESPECTABLE GENTLEMAN
TITLE-PAGE 97
HEADPIECE 98
BOWING POLITELY TO THE PILLAR-BOXES 103
THE CHURCH STEEPLE HAD BEEN REMOVED 104
STANDING ALONE UPON THE WALL 106
DANGLING BY HIS LEGS 109
TAILPIECE 113
VIGNETTE 114
THE SICILIAN CHAR-WOMAN
TITLE-PAGE 115
HEADPIECE 116
I TOOK LEAVE OF MY SORROWING FATHER 120
HARDLY DISGUISING HIS EFFORTS TO IGNORE ME 121
THEY WERE COMPELLED TO SEND FOR A PHYSICIAN 125
THE IMPROVEMENT WAS MAINTAINED 129
DISCOVERED A CLOVE KERNEL 130
VIGNETTE 132
THE INTERVAL
TITLE-PAGE 133
HEADPIECE 134
I FELL ON TO THE PARSNIP 137
THEY ALL ONCE MORE STARTED 138
ON THEIR ADVENTUROUS JOURNEY 139
THE WHOLE CAMP WAS FAST ASLEEP 142
TAILPIECE 145
VIGNETTE 146
THE REAL SOLDIER
TITLE-PAGE 147
HEADPIECE 148
THE REAL SOLDIER 153
'BUT HOLD!' CRIED THE PRESIDENT 156
'YOUR FATE BE UPON YOUR OWN HEAD' 157
FLOUNDERING ABOUT IN THE SEA 159
IN EXPECTATION OF THEIR LEADER 161
TAILPIECE 163
VIGNETTE 164
THE WILD MAN
TITLE-PAGE 165
HEADPIECE 166
I PLEADED MY CASE 169
AND KILLED IT ON THE SPOT 173
WE COOKED ONE GREAT STEAK 177
TAILPIECE 181
VIGNETTE 182
THE MUSICIAN
TITLE-PAGE 183
HEADPIECE 184
SHE NOW MADE OFF TO THE WOODS 189
HE WOULD CLIMB TO THE TOPMOST BRANCHES 190
SWEEPING THE DEAD LEAVES 195
WITH NO OTHER WEALTH THAN MY CONCERTINA 197
TAILPIECE 198
THE LOST GROCER
TITLE-PAGE 199
HEADPIECE 200
AFFECTED BY HIS STORY 205
PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT 206
THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND 209
SNEEZING AND SNEEZING 211
THE MERCHANT'S WIFE
TITLE-PAGE 213
HEADPIECE 214
MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON 219
KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF 223
GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS 224
IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE 225
TAILPIECE 226
THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS
TITLE-PAGE 227
HEADPIECE 228
THE HEADS SERVED FOR DOLLS 233
YOU ARE NOW OUR ONLY HOPE 234
I FISHED AND FISHED AND FISHED 237
TAILPIECE 239
VIGNETTE 240
THE SIEGE OF TROY
TITLE-PAGE 241
HEADPIECE 242
PLAN OF SIEGE 245
THESE PARCELS WERE NOW LABELLED 248
AND PACKED HIM OFF TO PERSIA 251
TROY BECAME THE HAPPIEST TOWN 253
THE END
VIGNETTE 256
[Illustration]
[Illustration]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BILL THE MINDER]
[Illustration: Headpiece]
BILL THE MINDER
Old Crispin, the mushroom gatherer, and his good wife Chloe had ten
children, and nine of them were bad-tempered. There was Chad, the
youngest and most bad-tempered of the lot, Hannibal and Quentin the
twins, Randall with the red head, Noah, Ratchett the short-sighted, Nero
the worrit, weeping Biddulph and Knut. The only good-tempered child was
a little girl named Boadicea.
It is well known that a boy usually takes after his father, and a girl
after her mother, and these children were no exception to the rule, for
the boys all resembled old Crispin, whose temper had been rather tried,
poor man, by the early hours at which he had to rise, in order to gather
the mushrooms when they were quite new and young. On the other hand,
Boadicea could only have inherited her good-temper from Chloe, who
without doubt was the most good-tempered dame alive.
Now it is quite true that any one who cares to rise early enough in the
morning may gather mushrooms, and plenty of them, too, but those who do
so only now and again, and merely for amusement, little know the hard
life of the professional gatherer, or the skill and judgment he has to
cultivate in order to carry on his work with any success.
In the course of time Crispin became so well skilled that he could not
only tell a mushroom from a toadstool at the distance of two hundred
yards, but his hearing became so acute that he could even hear them
growing, and learnt to distinguish the sound of each as it broke through
the earth. Indeed, he had no need for any alarm to wake him from his
heavy slumbers and call him to his work in the fields. However
cautiously a mushroom made its appearance, at its first rumble, old
Crispin would jump from his hard bed, hastily dress himself, and, often
without tasting a morsel of breakfast, be out of the house and on to the
field in time to see the newcomer pop its head through the earth. This
he would pick, and then he would hop about with his head on one side
listening for others like some old starling listening for worms, at the
same time mewing like a cat to frighten away the birds that prey on the
mushrooms. He was then able to fill his basket with the very freshest
crop and take them round to people's houses in time for breakfast.
With such anxious work it will be readily understood that few mushroom
gatherers can remain in the best of health for many years, and it so
happened that in time the anxieties connected with the gathering of
mushrooms began to affect old Crispin, so that he fell ill and
completely lost his appetite. Chloe called in the doctor, but the latter
at first could do nothing for him. He painted Crispin's chest and then
his back with iodine; he rubbed him well with the roots of sarsaparilla;
he made him sleep first on his right side, then on his left, and finally
covered him in brown paper plasters and dock-leaf poultices and sent him
to the sea-side with strict injunctions to take to sea-bathing, running,
and aeroplaning, but it was all of no avail.
With the assistance of Boadicea, Chloe now tried to tempt her husband
with every known and unknown dish, and when these failed, like a good
wife, she invented others. She made trifles of vegetable marrow,
tartlets of hen feathers to soothe the nerves, salads of spinach and
carraway comfits, delicacies composed of porridge and mint, and the most
luscious stews of pine-cones and lard. She then tried him with even
lighter dishes, but it was no good. He became thinner and thinner every
day, and his temper was growing shorter and shorter, when at last, to
her great joy, she succeeded in making a jelly that really seemed to
take his fancy.
At first there was little or no sign of improvement, yet he ate a very
small portion of the jelly every day, and with this the anxious wife and
daughter had to be contented for some time. He had remained in this
state for weeks when Chloe resolved slightly to increase his portion.
Finding that this did not disagree with him, but that, instead, he
became a little stouter and a little better every day, she continued
gradually giving him more and more.
At last she discovered that the more Crispin ate of this jelly, the
greater his appetite became. In fact, if the truth be told, the old
gentleman became in time not only quite well and very stout but also
somewhat greedy. At all events, Chloe found that instead of being able
to devote more time to her children, after restoring her husband's
appetite, she had to give up more and more time to cooking. Crispin now
spent the whole day in eating, and things went from bad to very bad, and
from very bad to worse. Boadicea assisted her mother to the utmost, yet
Chloe, worked almost to death, was at length compelled to look out for a
minder, in order that her children might not be entirely neglected.
Many minders from all parts applied for employment, and, as a test of
their skill, she set them the task of cheering the unfortunate Chad, who
was cutting all his double teeth at the same time. Some tried to cheer
him by singing to him, some by dancing to him; one even hoped to gladden
the boy by jumping over him backwards and with a pleasant smile dropping
on the grass in front of him. Again, some thought to distract him by
running swiftly with him several times round the well, which only made
him very ill. Another energetic young minder stood on his head in front
of the child for at least ten minutes, which, instead of cheering the
lad, nearly frightened him to death. One minder, more experienced than
the rest, tried to make him forget his ache by giving him other aches to
think of with the aid of a slipper, which he maintained he had succeeded
in doing. However, he was not elected, for, try as they would, no one
could discover for which ache the child was crying.
Many methods were tried, but none with even the smallest success; in
fact, the competition greatly increased the child's discomfort. His
howls became terrific, and so heartrending that, as a last resource,
Chloe sent for her nephew Bill, who cleaned the boots. Now no one had
suspected Bill of having the makings of a good minder in him, but it
happened that he knew Chad's little ways, and so, to everybody's
surprise and relief, he easily succeeded in keeping him quiet until all
the double teeth had been cut. Thereupon he was at once elected Minder
to the family.
[Illustration: HIS HOWLS BECAME TERRIFIC]
Bill soon proved that he was no ordinary minder. Having once started on
his new work, he took his profession very seriously. He read all the
books that had ever been written upon the subject, which were to be
found in the library of the British Museum. He talked about it with the
most knowing professors of the subject, and he was as well known in the
Minding Room of the Patent Museum at South Kensington as in his father's
house. And it is even said that he once contrived to be shut in all
night by hiding behind a case of red coral rattles when the policeman
came round at dusk to shut and lock the doors.
Moreover, as you can see for yourselves in the pictures, he was always
inventing new ways of minding his charges. So expert did he become in
time that he was never at a loss with the most fractious, and easily
surpassing all rivals, he became the most perfect minder of the
district.
Bill's fame spread to the most distant towns, and worrited mothers for
miles around flocked to him with their children. He was most successful
in distracting the vaccinated, and under his care young tooth-cutters
soon forgot their troubles. Even the pangs of indigestion were allayed
and the fretfulness of the sleepless lulled to rest by the charm of his
ways. Short tempers were lengthened, and terrified midnight wakers were
taught to realise how ridiculous were their fears. Screechers ceased to
screech, and grizzlers to grizzle, while weepers and howlers reformed
their habits and learnt to chuckle throughout the day.
If any one could mind, Bill could!
But life was not all condensed milk and honey to Bill. Like all good
minders and men, he had the bad fortune to arouse the jealousy of
rivals. The unvarying success which met his clever treatment of the most
difficult cases, instead of arousing the admiration of his brother
minders, as one would have expected, and making them eager to imitate
him, only had the effect of making them very cross and jealous. Some,
indeed, became so wild that they had to be minded themselves, while
others neglected their charges and wandered about the country in a
dreadful state of grumpiness, biting their nails to the quick, and
tearing their hair or anything else they could get hold of.
The time now arrived for the great annual Minding Tournament, held by
the Duke to celebrate his birthday, to which every one had been looking
forward all through the year. Few people have ever been so delighted
over being born as was the Duke, and this was how he most liked to show
his joy and thankfulness. The prizes and cups were usually subscribed
for by the mothers and fathers, but this year was a very special
occasion, for the Duke, having arrived at the age of sixty, had decided
to present a gold-mounted feeding-bottle to be competed for during the
tournament.
Everybody was there; the Duke and his Duchess with a handsome bouquet of
marigolds and groundsel, presented by the wives of the policemen; the
Duchess's cousin, the chatty old Viscount, and his sweet young wife; the
stout old Marquis who (as every lady knows) is also admiral of the
Regent's Canal, and his six old-maid daughters, who all arrived in bath
chairs. The general was there, as a matter of course, with all his
medals beautifully polished, and his pockets full of Pontefract cakes
and peardrops to throw to the children. At least twelve bishops were
present, besides the vicar and his eight kind curates, who made
themselves extremely pleasant to every one.
All the mothers and fathers of the neighbourhood were present, and
minders were continually arriving to compete for the prizes. There were
at least one hundred policemen to keep order, and the music was provided
by the band of the militia, lent for this occasion by the kind-hearted
general. Each member of the band performed on a separate harmonium
borrowed from the vicar. Refreshments also could be had by every one who
could prove that he or she was hungry.
[Illustration: ALWAYS INVENTING NEW WAYS OF MINDING]
The first event was the egg-and-spoon race, which was decided in the
following way. A well-pinched baby and a glass of milk were placed at
the end of the course, and each competitor had to run to them balancing
a new-laid egg on a spoon; when he had reached them, he had to beat up
the egg in the glass of milk and pacify the child with the beverage. The
competitor who did it in the shortest time won the prize.
Some murmurings were heard when it was announced that Bill had won by
two-and-a-half minutes, but these were soon drowned by the cheers of
the crowd and the music of the harmoniums.
[Illustration: YOUNG TOOTH-CUTTERS FORGOT THEIR TROUBLES]
The second event was the obstacle race, in which each competitor had to
run with three babies in his arms along a course strewn with
perambulators full of children. Over the latter he had to climb, and
having placed his three babies in an empty perambulator stationed at the
end of the course, wheel them back the same way and empty them into the
arms of the Duke without a cry from the children.
The loud cheers of the crowd and the roar of the harmoniums this time
hardly drowned the jeering of his rivals when it was proclaimed that
Bill had also won this race; and when he secured the gold-mounted
feeding-bottle, presented by the Duke, for minding seventeen
tooth-cutters and three indigesters, and sending them all to sleep in
three hours and forty-five minutes, their rage was almost beyond their
control. The cheers, the hurrahs, and the clapping of hands, as well as
the soothing music of the harmoniums, only made them more disagreeable
and spiteful.
But far worse was to happen when Bill presently carried off the great
cup for remaining shut up in a bathing-machine with twelve vaccinated
children for twelve hours. Then they quite lost their tempers, and Bill
very nearly lost his life. At least seven babies were hurled at him, as
well as the cup and the bathing-machine, and Bill was only saved by the
seven mothers of the seven hurled babies, who rushed forward to grapple
with the hurlers, and carried Bill and the babies out of their reach.
This shocking disturbance caused the vicar and his eight kind curates to
faint, while the Duke, who, now having lost all interest in the
proceedings, was only waiting to give away the prizes, turned quite
white, and at once drove off with the Duchess in his motor, and never
again referred to the subject. The general stripped off his medals in
despair, and gave them away to the children to cut their teeth with. The
chatty old Viscount became dumb with astonishment, and the twelve
bishops, with heads erect and half-closed eyes, walked off to their
cathedrals. The harmoniums were all put out of tune and quite spoilt by
the efforts of the bandsmen to drown the noise, and the tournament was
completely broken up.
After this, as might have been foreseen, no mother would entrust the
care of her children to any one but Bill, who became the only minder of
the district. What became of the rivals no one ever knew for certain,
though it has been said that they all emigrated to a desolate island in
the Dead Sea, and clothed themselves in crocodile's hide with the rough
and knobby side worn against the skin, sleeping at night on beds of
flints with coverlets made of stinging nettles. It is also said that
they nagged and threw stones at each other all through the day, and for
very rage would eat nothing but thistles, uncooked and with the prickles
left on, and drink nothing but cold vinegar for the rest of their
wretched lives.
[Illustration: THE ONLY MINDER OF THE DISTRICT]
Another story has it that Bill's jealous rivals all embarked for Mount
Vesuvius, with the intention of committing suicide by plunging into the
burning crater. But standing on its edge and gazing therein, they all
suddenly altered their minds and walked back down the mountain side to
Pompeii or Herculaneum, where they were supposed to have settled and
married, and repented, let us hope, of their unkind and unreasonable
behaviour.
Whether either of these stories is true or not, it is certain that the
rivals disappeared altogether from the country. Unmolested, Bill now
devoted all his days to minding, and Randall, Noah, Knut, Biddulph,
Nero, Ratchett, Hannibal, Quentin, Chad, and his innumerable other
charges never left him, but wandered with him everywhere, even in his
dreams.
Such a minder was Bill!
[Illustration: tailpiece]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE KING OF TROY]
[Illustration: headpiece]
THE KING OF TROY
Now it happened one morning as Bill was shepherding his little flock
across the downs, whither they loved to ramble on a fine summer's day,
that Hannibal, Quentin, and Boadicea came running up to him with the
wonderful tidings that they had discovered a real golden crown lying on
the top of a hayrick. Bill hastened to the spot, and there, sure enough,
was a most beautiful crown, ornamented with what he took to be
priceless gems. Looking all round and seeing no one to whom it might
belong, he climbed the rick and attempted to remove the treasure. But,
try as he would, it still resisted his efforts, until at last, with one
mighty wrench, he seemed to elicit a groan from the depths of the rick,
and presently the crown arose apparently of its own accord and disclosed
the head of an aged man firmly fixed therein. Soon his neck, then his
shoulders appeared, as gradually the old fellow lifted himself from his
place of hiding and climbed down the sides of the rick and stood
trembling in the midst of the children, who now wonderingly gathered
round him.
Having recovered from his agitation, and being greatly encouraged by
Bill's kindly inquiries and genial manners, the royal old boy proceeded
to account for his strange appearance on the downs.
'Prepare yourselves, you bantlings, and you, their noble curator, for
the most astounding revelations; and those of you who are nerveful or
softish in any way, hide your chubby heads in this old rick, that no
word of my story of woes may enter your ears and so curdle your simple
minds.'
At this young Chad and some of the others set up a terrible hullabaloo,
but Bill soon comforted them, and then, seated in a circle on the grass
around the old fellow, they made themselves comfortable and prepared to
listen to his story.
'Are you all fit?' demanded the old gent. 'Yes,' shouted Bill and his
charges in reply. 'Well, here goes then.' And he commenced his tale in
the following way:--
'I am that King of Troy who ruled over his subjects with such wisdom and
justice that the greatest happiness prevailed amongst them!'
[Illustration: HE CLIMBED THE RICK]
'We've heard that before,' murmured Chad, but ignoring the interruption,
the King of Troy continued his story:--
'Safely protected from baseness of every description, from robbery, from
the ill effects of envy, and from unworthy tricksters of every colour,
by the stern, yet just rule under which they happily lived, the Trojans
throve and pursued their various trades with unvarying success. All
amassed a considerable fortune, and as their wealth increased, so did
their pride in the beloved city of their birth. All contributed most
willingly to the upkeep of their sovereign, and the ever-increasing
state which I was expected to hold was paid for down to the last
farthing by the noble fellows.
'The well-meaning creatures at length gave no rest to their poor old
king, and as their prosperity grew, they raised him to a more and more
exalted, and at the same time increasingly uncomfortable, position above
them. Heavier and heavier grew the robes of state to suit the swelling
dignity of the city: more and more overloaded with gold, with jewels,
with filigree silver and enamelled bronze became the crown, until so
ponderous had grown the regalia that I could hardly support it. But no
pity had the gallant lads. Mistaking the signs of my gradually drooping
spirits for the signs of undue modesty, they slapped me on the back
again and again, and with joyful shouts endeavoured to instil into my
dejected soul some of their own abundant ardour.
'With my own personal dignity, the number of ceremonials and functions I
was expected to endure also increased. Town hall after town hall was
built, and bazaars without end were held especially to be opened by
myself. But in time even this doubtful relaxation ceased, and so high
did my subjects raise me that few of them dared to approach me, and then
only on bended knees. As for speaking familiarly with me, none had the
temerity to attempt it. Perpetual state I was now compelled to keep, and
never for an instant permitted to leave my throne or doff my royal
robes, except for one short hour in the morning to perform ablutions in
the regal tub, and even then I was not allowed to remove my crown.
Seated on my throne from morning until night, overburdened by the weight
of my crown and the heavily brocaded and bejewelled robes, I felt as
lonely as a stranded limpet in the middle of the Sahara desert.
'At last things came to such a pass, that, except perhaps to bring me
food or drink, not one of my subjects would dare to draw nearer than to
the outer door of my ante-room, and even there they would fall upon
their faces and grovel in the dust and quake, so that the very clicking
of their bones could be distinctly heard from my place upon the throne,
as they trembled in every joint.
'Ah, how I missed the old days,--the cheerful cup of tea, the pipe of
baccy and the homely game of dominoes with that primest of all Prime
Ministers. How gladly would I have snatched from the royal board the
dainties now prepared for me,--the asparagus truffles, the prawn
cutlets, the anchovy jelly, and suchlike, and hurled from me the trivial
and shimmering mass, tweaking my old rascal of a waiter by the nose, and
calling for a hunk of bread and some cheese. Even my sparkling and
frolicsome old chum, the Prime Minister, had seemingly quite forgotten
our loyal chumship and never appeared before me now except upon his
hands and knees and with his head bent low to the ground. And what of my
old friend the Secretary of State? Where were his gibes, his playful
fancies, his quirks and rare conceits, the droll! Alas, only rarely now
could I glimpse the rogue, and with real sorrow did I see his erstwhile
bonny and jovial old face distorted by expressions of the most abject
servility. And that respectful mute, the Minister of Education, does he
dream that I forget his winsome pranks and jokes? Does he imagine for a
moment that those glorious evenings, when the four of us used to meet
and gladden the very stars by the sounds of our joviality, were nothing
to me? Alas, in my solitude what would have befallen me but for those
sweet memories!
[Illustration: HE COMMENCED HIS TALE]
'One evening the Prime Minister appeared on his hands and knees at the
door of the throne-room, bearing on a little plate upon his back the
slight supper that was served to me in this strange manner every
evening. With drooping head, and visibly quaking with awe, he gradually
crawled near, and when at the foot of the throne placed the supper (a
mere anchovy truffle on toast) before me and fell flat on his face,
writhing at my feet.
'Who can describe my feelings as I bent over him and witnessed this
degradation, this prostration before me, of one who had revelled with
me, who had slapped me on the back in pure amity, and who, in days of
yore, had gambolled, frisked, and carolled the most enchanting glees
with me. A great hot tear fell from my left eye as I gazed, and the
startled wretch leapt to his feet as it splashed upon his bald crown and
trickled down its glossy sides, leaving a red and glowing spot where it
had fallen. No words of mine could describe the misery expressed on the
face of the unhappy man as he took one hasty glance at me, full of the
deepest meaning, and rushed from the room weeping bitterly. Alas! he,
too, remembered.
'No heart had I now for the anchovy truffle, nor indeed for the toast,
both of which I tossed lightly from me. I gave up my mind to most
melancholy reflections. Night drew on, and one by one I could hear the
ministers and domestics creeping up stealthily to bed, and at nine
o'clock all the electric lights in the palace were switched off, and I
was left in total darkness and in solitude. Still I brooded on my
throne, unable to sleep for the weight of my robes and for the sad
thoughts that passed through my mind, and mechanically counted the hours
as they stole slowly by.
'At length the clock in the hall downstairs struck eleven, and as the
last beat echoed through the empty rooms, a light appeared underneath
the door opposite the throne. Little heed did I give to this at first,
imagining that one of the ministers, on retiring, had omitted to remove
his boots and leave them in the hall, and was now returning to place
them there. The light, however, remained, and to my increasing
wonderment some one tried the handle of the door, which was then opened
very cautiously and in there crept, on hands and knees, my old friend
the Prime Minister. As soon as he was well within the room and had
quietly closed the door, he leapt to his feet and executed the most
astonishing capers that were ever danced. With the liveliest
satisfaction expressed all over his mobile features, he pirouetted round
the room with the greatest animation, and daringly accomplished the
giddiest somersaults that were ever turned. At last, nearly exhausted
with this vigorous performance, he ran up to the throne, grasped me by
the hand, which he wrung most heartily, and for all the world was his
good old self again.
'He now bade me follow him, and in utter silence we both crept out of
the throne-room, through the ante-room, down the stairs, across the
hall, and out by the front door into the garden.
'We now traversed the terrace and crossed the tennis lawn, and stepping
gently across the Rhododendron beds, scrambled as carefully as possible
over the barbed-wire fence and found ourselves in the kitchen garden.
Passing through innumerable beds of cabbages, beetroots, turnips,
brussels sprouts, and broccoli, we at last stood in front of an old
broken-down hen-house. The Minister knocked very gently three distinct
times and gave a low musical call, which was immediately answered from
within. The door now opened just sufficiently to admit one person at a
time, and the Prime Minister crept in, dragging me after him, and then
closing the door as quickly and as quietly as possible.
'You may imagine my surprise when I discovered my two other old cronies
seated amongst the hay newly strewn on the floor, the fat old roosters
chortling wisely the while on their perches in the roof of the shed. Two
or three candles, that were glued with their own fat on the stakes that
were driven securely into the ground, together with an old stable
lantern suspended from the roof, served to light up the interior. A
squat and homely kettle was simmering cheerily in front of some glowing
embers in the centre of the floor awaiting the brewing of a stout cup of
tea, and the dominoes were all ready for a rattling game as of old.
'Nothing could exceed the joy of the dear old boys, as they gripped me
by the hand and punched me first on the chest and again on the back from
pure joy, forgetting all the awe with which they had regarded me for so
long since, and only remembering the many happy times we had spent
together in days of yore,--those far-off happy days, before I had been
so terribly, so uncomfortably exalted by my subjects.
'As soon as I had made myself pretty comfortable, the Minister of
Education reached up, and taking one of the old chickens from its perch,
quickly killed it, plucked it and trussed it, and then, suspending it
over the embers by a piece of string from the roof, turned it round and
round gently until it was done to a T.
'What a time we had in that old shed to be sure. After demolishing the
chicken we played the most exciting games of dominoes until we were
tired of them, then cats' cradles, then honey-pots, and then touch wood.
And what could have been more refreshing than those cups of tea! And
what more invigorating than the Pontefract cakes, the slabs of cocoanut
ice, and sheets of almond hard-bake that we crunched between the games!
And the songs and choruses with which we shook the crazy old hen-house
to its rotting foundations! My word! How we trolled them out!
'When our joy was at its height, and we were carolling the inimitable
chorus of that more than glorious old song of the country-side, "Waiting
for the Guinea Fowl," we were suddenly reminded of the approach of day
by the loud crowing of the old cock over our heads, and peeping at once
out of the door we perceived that already the dawn had advanced and
lightened the eastern sky.
[Illustration: WHAT A TIME WE HAD]
'Without a moment's hesitation, the guttering candles were
extinguished, and I was hurried back to the palace. But only just in
time, for as I mounted the steps of my throne I could hear the lazy
steps of the boot-boy as he unwillingly crawled downstairs to his work.
'In the course of the day the Egg Counter to the Royal Household was
dragged grovelling before me, complaining that the foxes had stolen one
of the chickens under his care. I ordered the treasurer to disburse 9d.
for a trap and dismissed the grinning churl, who little guessed the
breed of foxes which had made away with his bird.
'Night after night the four of us, unsuspected of any, now sought the
hen-house, and forgot the harassing troubles of state in the pure joys
of friendship. After killing, roasting, and supping off one of the birds
as on our first meeting, we abandoned ourselves to the heartiest
revelry, only to be awakened to the cold everyday world by the crowing
of the old bantam.
'During the daytime my friends resumed their deferential and almost
servile demeanour, and nothing remained to remind me of the revels of
the night before but the troubles of the Egg Counter, who now came to me
every day with a fresh complaint that yet another of his birds had
disappeared.
'And now begins the narration of the most terrible of all my trials. One
night--how well can I remember it, it was on the eve of that very day
when the mighty King of the Persians and all his court were coming to
spend the week-end with us, in order to celebrate my sixty-fifth
birthday--we met as usual in the hen-house, and discovered to our dismay
that we had demolished all the fowls with the exception of the old cock.
After some discussion, and regardless of consequences, we decided to
treat him as we had already treated his brothers and sisters, and in a
very little time nothing was left of the tough old biped but bones, beak
and feathers. Heedless of the morrow, we now gave ourselves up to the
wildest enjoyment. Discarding such simple games as dominoes and
honey-pots, we now indulged in the more thrilling joys of leap-frog,
Hunt the Stag, Red Rover, Robbers and Thieves, and you would not believe
me were I to tell you the amount of toffee, brandy-snaps, bull's eyes,
and Edinburgh rock that we absorbed in the course of this agreeable
evening.
'Enlivened, no doubt, by the thought that to-morrow was my birthday, my
excitement was intense, and communicating itself to my prankful cronies,
it electrified their old bones in the most amazing manner.
'How long we should have kept it up, it is, of course, impossible for me
to say, but we were suddenly brought to a standstill by a loud knocking
on the door of the shed and the sound of a great concourse of people on
the other side. On opening the door I nearly fainted in my horror, for
whom should I behold but the King of Persia and all his court, and as
far as the eye could reach the faces of the Trojans all lit up by the
morning sun, staring intently at the shed. Alas, we had eaten the old
cock, our only timepiece, many hours ago, and without our knowledge the
day had dawned and grown to midday.
'Who shall describe my profound mortification, as I observed the look of
sorrow on the King of Persia's noble countenance, or the distress with
which I viewed the agonised disappointment of my subjects as they beheld
their king, whom they one and all delighted to honour, playing leap-frog
in a hen-house.
'It appeared that on the arrival of the King of Persia, they had all
proceeded in lordly procession with bands playing and flags flying to
the throne-room, and not finding me there they had hunted everywhere for
me, high and low, until at last, guided by the sounds of revelry in the
hen-house, they discovered my wretched self in the ignominious position
I have already described.
'I was now seized by two of the Persian guards at the command of their
monarch and marched off to the Palace, a lane being opened for me
through the crowds of my silent and sorrowing subjects.
'A council was very hurriedly called together, at which it was decided
that I should be banished for ever from the city of Troy for so
demeaning the exalted position to which I had been elevated, by my
frolics in the hen-house, and that henceforth the King of Persia should
reign in my stead.
'Stripping my royal robes from me (they were compelled to leave my crown
on, for it was so firmly fixed that it would not come off, try as they
would), they now bandaged my eyes, and, with the only baggage I was
allowed to take, tied up in an old patch-work quilt, they led me forth.
Past crowds of my subjects, who now gave way to the most heartfelt
sorrow, I was led, through the old gates of my beloved city and far out
into the country. After we had travelled for about thirty miles my
conductors at last removed the bandage from my eyes and left me to my
despair, alone in the wilderness.
'Sinking to the ground, I wept bitterly for three-quarters of an hour,
when hunger beginning to assert itself, I started upon this long
journey, which has at length brought me to you.
'For many months have I travelled, often compelled to ask the way or beg
assistance of the merest strangers, until at last,' concluded the old
gentleman, 'as I was resting to-day in the shadow of this rick, I saw
you all coming over the hill, and mistaking you for the legions of the
King of Persia sent to hunt me down, I hid myself in the top of the
rick.'
Bill and all his charges were deeply moved at so harrowing a tale, and
willingly proffered any assistance they were capable of rendering to the
unhappy old boy.
[Illustration: The King of Troy compelled to ask his way]
The King of Troy, now assured of the good faith of his new friends,
unfolded to them a scheme he had formed to raise an army and to march on
Troy, and so recover, if possible, his lost power. Bill at once offered
his services and was created commander-in-chief on the spot, and calling
for volunteers, was answered by one great shout of joy from all his
charges, every one of whom enlisted there and then in the new army of
the King of Troy.
Chad, Hannibal, Randall, Noah, Ratchett, Nero, Biddulph, and Knut were
each promoted to the rank of officers as a matter of course, while the
gentle Boadicea was deputed to look after the old King, whose comfort
was now her greatest aim in life.
[Illustration: tailpiece]
[Illustration: vignette]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE ANCIENT MARINER]
[Illustration: headpiece]
THE ANCIENT MARINER
The next thing to be done was certainly to make the old King
comfortable, so Bill took him home, and the good Chloe dosed him well
with hot gruel, and made him put his feet in hot water, and sent him to
bed. After remaining snugly tucked up for a few days, the cheerful old
soul was ready and eager to start with his new army for Troy.
In the meantime Bill, with the assistance of Crispin, had constructed a
wonderful perambulator, in which the King could be conveyed with his
luggage and such comforts as would be necessary for the old man during
his progress.
Having secured the permission of Crispin and Chloe, and of the other
parents concerned (most of whom seemed only too glad to get rid of the
lot), Bill, the King, and all the gallant young soldiers started on
their adventurous journey. Loud were the shouts of admiration as the
brave creatures marched down the village street; and at last, when they
had entirely disappeared, the place seemed suddenly so quiet and dull
that all retired to their bedrooms and gave way to tears.
However, our duty is to follow the young braves. Having marched along
the road across the Downs for some distance, they met the strangest
couple,--a kind-looking old gentleman who, to judge from his appearance,
had spent the greater part of his life upon the ocean, carrying in his
arms, carefully and tenderly as though he were a frail young baby,
another man, with the saddest and most thoughtful face that you ever
beheld. Such touching kindness deeply affected all who witnessed it, and
Bill at once greeted the good gentleman, and begged of him to account to
them for his very strange appearance on the country road.
'Sirs,' said the Ancient Mariner, as he placed his burden lovingly on
the ground, 'my name is Jack, Plain Jack, and I am the ninth mate of the
Swedish ship _Turnip_, a brig-rigged barquentine, that sailed from
Cherry Garden Pier for Margate with a cargo of camels, in the year 1840,
and has never since been heard of.
'Though a born sailor, I succeeded my father in what was one of the best
corn-chandler's businesses in that part of Barking. By my industry and
thrift I, in time, so bettered my position and improved my business that
I felt fully entitled to settle down and enter into the state of
matrimony. For some years I had had my eye on the enchanting Jane
Osbaldistone de Trevor, whose father kept a large brill farm by Barking
Creek,--in fact, the largest of the many brill farms that used, in those
days, to line the river from Limehouse Reach to Cherry Garden Pier.
'His wealth and importance did not deter me from aspiring to the hand of
his fascinating daughter; and why should they have done so? Was not I in
the very promising position of owning the largest corn-chandler's store,
from Wapping Old Stairs even as far down as Barking Creek? And then,
again, was not I as well born as he, for did not my ancestors chandle
corn in Barking long before the De Trevors had crossed the Channel, when
they may, indeed, have earned a precarious livelihood by letting
bathing-machines on the beach at Boulogne?
'Nevertheless, on my broaching the subject to the old gentleman, he
threw every conceivable obstacle in my way, and made conditions that
were wellnigh impossible of being carried out. "If," said he, "you can
bring to me, within the next few years, some object more wonderful than
anything in the Bethnal Green Museum,--some object beside which St.
Paul's Cathedral, the Monument, the Tower of London, or the Tower Bridge
will be as uninteresting as an old one-bladed pocket-knife,--then you
shall marry my daughter, but not otherwise"; and he chuckled to himself,
knowing only too well that he had wellnigh dashed my hopes for ever.
'But, after all, little did he know Plain Jack. Disappointed, but with
some hope yet of claiming the lovely Jane, I sold my business for a
considerable sum of money, which I took with me in my sea-chest, and
signed on as Cabin Boy aboard the Swedish ship, _Turnip_, fully
determined to travel all over the world, if necessary, in order to
fulfil the conditions imposed upon me by the irritating old gentleman.
'Foreseeing well how useful my superior officers might be to me in my
quest, I resolved, as far as possible to deserve their good-will, and I
behaved with such exemplary conduct that before we had passed Greenwich
Hospital I was promoted to the rank of twelfth mate.
'Still persevering in my good intentions, I performed many little acts
of kindness, such as brewing the captain a cup of tea when he least
expected it, and handing round to the officers and crew bars of colt's
foot rock, a supply of which I took good care to bring with me. I
repeat, so continually attentive was I, that, before we had passed the
Nore, I was promoted to the rank of eleventh mate.
'Off Herne Bay, I was still further able to gratify the captain and
officers by pointing out to them the various public buildings and places
of interest, which I had visited only last year during a delightful
week-end trip. So delighted were they all that, before sighting Margate,
I was promoted to the rank of tenth mate.
'On arriving at Margate, numerous merchants came along the jetty in
bath-chairs to examine our cargo. None, however, wanted to buy camels;
all wanted donkeys for the sands. In spite of the captain's argument,
that camels were much more used to sand than donkeys, having spent the
best part of their lives on the sands of the desert, the merchants were
obdurate, and we had to sail away again with our camels. We also now
carried with us a shipload of Carraway Comfits, which we had purchased
at Margate, hoping to be able to dispose of them at some port, and so
compensate ourselves for the loss of business at Margate.
[Illustration: I SIGN ON AS CABIN BOY]
'For many days we sailed on and on, out through the Yarmouth Roads into
the Persian Gulf, one incident alone standing out vividly in my memory
during this part of the voyage. It was the dog watch, on a lovely summer
evening; we were making little way, just sufficient to enliven the
whitebait that leapt and prattled round our prow, or disturb a lazy
brill that dozed upon our course. Here and there the spotted tunny
would leap several yards from the sea, to descend again with a mighty
smack upon the waters. From afar, borne upon the gentle breeze, came the
low grizzle of the sperm-whale as it herded its young, or the thud of
the mighty sword-fish, as it drove home the deadly weapon with which
Nature, knowing its own ends, has provided him; while, mellowed by even
greater distance, the high-pitched yell of the land-cod and the shriek
of its maddened prey, could now and again be heard. I was lazily
reclining among the peak halyards, whittling out a mermaid's head from
a piece of hard-boiled gannet's egg, which I intended to send to Jane,
should a passing vessel give me such an opportunity. Full of peace, and
imbued with the calm that pervaded the sea and the sky, I was hardly
prepared for the shock in store for me. Suddenly, without any warning, I
was jerked from my position among the halyards, and flung head-first
into the sea. Down, and down I went, until, nearly exhausted, I made one
great effort to come to the surface. When at last I reached it, I found
that from some unknown cause the ship had been tilted nearly on to its
side, and thus had sent me almost to the bottom of the sea.
'To climb on deck and ascertain the cause of the disaster was the work
of a moment. It transpired that the cargo of carraway comfits had got
shifted and was mixed up with the camels. The captain was asleep at the
time, and every one else seemed to lose his wits, so I at once took the
matter into my own hands, and descended into the hold with twelve picked
men.
'The plight of the camels was sad indeed to see. Some were fearfully
chafed with the comfits, thus proving with what force the latter must
have been showered upon them by the shifting of the cargo. Fortunately,
however, although it was very black in the ship's hold, the camels were
easily distinguished from the comfits, and it was only a work of
patience and a little time to sift them and so right the ship again.
'When the captain awakened and learnt how I had saved the ship, his
gratitude knew no bounds, and he still further promoted me by making me
his ninth mate.
'For years we sailed from port to port, taking in one cargo here,
another there, occasionally with some advantage to ourselves, but more
often with none at all, and never with any good fortune attending me in
my quest. When we were about thirty days' sail out from Guatemala, and,
as far as I could tell, in latitude 195 and longitude 350 (that is,
about 60 degrees east of the Equator), we encountered a storm which
brought me to the successful accomplishment of my quest. It was four
bells and my watch below, so I had gone aloft in the mizzen shrouds, and
with my feet resting idly on the top-gallant backstay, holding securely
to the weather topsail reeftackle, I munched a tunny sandwich, a few of
which I had prevailed upon the steward to cut for me. Under a clear sky,
we were making roughly, I should say, about 335 knots, and it was
already blowing half a gale; a choppy sea was running, yet, except for
the clots of spindrift, that now and again hurtled against the mast,
there was no real promise of the storm to come; so I went on with my
sandwiches.
'We were now sailing close-hauled under double-reefed main storm
topsails and fore and aft main staysails, keeping a good course and
shipping very little water, when, suddenly, I beheld on the horizon,
well to windward, a little cloud no larger than a tomato,--the English
tomato, I mean, not the foreign species, though it rapidly attained that
size. It grew larger and larger until it was quite the size of a
full-grown vegetable marrow; yet, little recking that it contained the
seeds of the terrible tempest that was so soon to overwhelm us, I still
went on with my sandwiches.