Mademoiselle de Cataneo, daughter to the agent from the King of Prussia,
but Carrio was in love with her there was even between them some question
of marriage. He was in easy circumstances, and I had no fortune: his
salary was a hundred louis (guineas) a year, and mine amounted to no more
than a thousand livres (about forty pounds sterling) and, besides my
being unwilling to oppose a friend, I knew that in all places, and
especially at Venice, with a purse so ill furnished as mine was,
gallantry was out of the question. I had not lost the pernicious custom
of deceiving my wants. Too busily employed forcibly to feel those
proceeding from the climate, I lived upwards of a year in that city as
chastely as I had done in Paris, and at the end of eighteen months I
quitted it without having approached the sex, except twice by means of
the singular opportunities of which I am going to speak.
The first was procured me by that honest gentleman, Vitali, some time
after the formal apology I obliged him to make me. The conversation at
the table turned on the amusements of Venice. These gentlemen reproached
me with my indifference with regard to the most delightful of them all;
at the same time extolling the gracefulness and elegant manners of the
women of easy virtue of Venice; and adding that they were superior to all
others of the same description in any other part of the world.
"Dominic," said I, "(I)must make an acquaintance with the most amiable of
them all," he offered to take me to her apartments, and assured me I
should be pleased with her. I laughed at this obliging offer: and Count
Piati, a man in years and venerable, observed to me, with more candor
than I should have expected from an Italian, that he thought me too
prudent to suffer myself to be taken to such a place by my enemy. In
fact I had no inclination to do it: but notwithstanding this, by an
incoherence I cannot myself comprehend, I at length was prevailed upon to
go, contrary to my inclination, the sentiment of my heart, my reason, and
even my will; solely from weakness, and being ashamed to show an
appearance to the least mistrust; and besides, as the expression of the
country is, 'per non parer troppo cogliono'--[Not to appear too great a
blockhead.]--The 'Padoana' whom we went to visit was pretty, she was
even handsome, but her beauty was not of that kind that pleased me.
Dominic left me with her, I sent for Sorbetti, and asked her to sing.
In about half an hour I wished to take my leave, after having put a ducat
on the table, but this by a singular scruple she refused until she had
deserved it, and I from as singular a folly consented to remove her
doubts. I returned to the palace so fully persuaded that I should feel
the consequences of this step, that the first thing I did was to send for
the king's surgeon to ask him for ptisans. Nothing can equal the
uneasiness of mind I suffered for three weeks, without its being
justified by any real inconvenience or apparent sign. I could not
believe it was possible to withdraw with impunity from the arms of the
'padoana'. The surgeon himself had the greatest difficulty in removing
my apprehensions; nor could he do this by any other means than by
persuading me I was formed in such a manner as not to be easily infected:
and although in the experiment I exposed myself less than any other man
would have done, my health in that respect never having suffered the
least inconvenience, in my opinion a proof the surgeon was right.
However, this has never made me imprudent, and if in fact I have received
such an advantage from nature I can safely assert I have never abused it.
My second adventure, although likewise with a common girl, was of a
nature very different, as well in its origin as in its effects; I have
already said that Captain Olivet gave me a dinner on board his vessel,
and that I took with me the secretary of the Spanish embassy. I expected
a salute of cannon.
The ship's company was drawn up to receive us, but not so much as a
priming was burnt, at which I was mortified, on account of Carrio, whom I
perceived to be rather piqued at the neglect. A salute of cannon was
given on board merchant-ships to people of less consequence than we were;
I besides thought I deserved some distinguished mark of respect from the
captain. I could not conceal my thoughts, because this at all times was
impossible to me, and although the dinner was a very good one, and Olivet
did the honors of it perfectly well, I began it in an ill humor, eating
but little, and speaking still less. At the first health, at least, I
expected a volley; nothing. Carrio, who read what passed within, me,
laughed at hearing me grumble like a child. Before dinner was half over
I saw a gondola approach the vessel. "Bless me, sir," said the captain,
"take care of yourself, the enemy approaches." I asked him what he
meant, and he answered jocosely. The gondola made the ship's side, and I
observed a gay young damsel come on board very lightly, and coquettishly
dressed, and who at three steps was in the cabin, seated by my side,
before I had time to perceive a cover was laid for her. She was equally
charming and lively, a brunette, not more than twenty years of age. She
spoke nothing but Italian, and her accent alone was sufficient to turn my
head. As she eat and chattered she cast her eyes upon me; steadfastly
looked at me for a moment, and then exclaimed, "Good Virgin! Ah, my dear
Bremond, what an age it is since I saw thee!" Then she threw herself into
my arms, sealed her lips to mine, and pressed me almost to strangling.
Her large black eyes, like those of the beauties of the East, darted
fiery shafts into my heart, and although the surprise at first stupefied
my senses, voluptuousness made a rapid progress within, and this to such
a degree that the beautiful seducer herself was, notwithstanding the
spectators, obliged to restrain my ardor, for I was intoxicated, or
rather become furious. When she perceived she had made the impression
she desired, she became more moderate in her caresses, but not in her
vivacity, and when she thought proper to explain to us the real or false
cause of all her petulance, she said I resembled M. de Bremond, director
of the customs of Tuscany, to such a degree as to be mistaken for him;
that she had turned this M. de Bremond's head, and would do it again;
that she had quitted him because he was a fool; that she took me in his
place; that she would love me because it pleased her so to do, for which
reason I must love her as long as it was agreeable to her, and when she
thought proper to send me about my business, I must be patient as her
dear Bremond had been. What was said was done. She took possession of
me as of a man that belonged to her, gave me her gloves to keep, her fan,
her cinda, and her coif, and ordered me to go here or there, to do this
or that, and I instantly obeyed her. She told me to go and send away her
gondola, because she chose to make use of mine, and I immediately sent it
away; she bid me to move from my place, and pray Carrio to sit down in
it, because she had something to say to him; and I did as she desired.
They chatted a good while together, but spoke low, and I did not
interrupt them. She called me, and I approached her. "Hark thee,
Zanetto," said she to me, "I will not be loved in the French manner; this
indeed will not be well. In the first moment of lassitude, get thee
gone: but stay not by the way, I caution thee." After dinner we went to
see the glass manufactory at Murano. She bought a great number of little
curiosities; for which she left me to pay without the least ceremony.
But she everywhere gave away little trinkets to a much greater amount
than of the things we had purchased. By the indifference with which she
threw away her money, I perceived she annexed to it but little value.
When she insisted upon a payment, I am of opinion it was more from a
motive of vanity than avarice. She was flattered by the price her
admirers set upon her favors.
In the evening we conducted her to her apartments. As we conversed
together, I perceived a couple of pistols upon her toilette. "Ah! Ah!"
said I, taking one of them up, "this is a patchbox of a new construction:
may I ask what is its use? I know you have other arms which give more
fire than those upon your table." After a few pleasantries of the same
kind, she said to us, with an ingenuousness which rendered her still more
charming, "When I am complaisant to persons whom I do not love, I make
them pay for the weariness they cause me; nothing can be more just; but
if I suffer their caresses, I will not bear their insults; nor miss the
first who shall be wanting to me in respect."
At taking leave of her, I made another appointment for the next day. I
did not make her wait. I found her in 'vestito di conidenza', in an
undress more than wanton, unknown to northern countries, and which I will
not amuse myself in describing, although I recollect it perfectly well.
I shall only remark that her ruffles and collar were edged with silk
network ornamented with rose--colored pompons. This, in my eyes, much
enlivened a beautiful complexion. I afterwards found it to be the mode
at Venice, and the effect is so charming that I am surprised it has never
been introduced in France. I had no idea of the transports which awaited
me. I have spoken of Madam de Larnage with the transport which the
remembrance of her still sometimes gives me; but how old, ugly and cold
she appeared, compared with my Zulietta! Do not attempt to form to
yourself an idea of the charms and graces of this enchanting girl, you
will be far too short of truth. Young virgins in cloisters are not so
fresh: the beauties of the seraglio are less animated: the houris of
paradise less engaging. Never was so sweet an enjoyment offered to the
heart and senses of a mortal. Ah! had I at least been capable of fully
tasting of it for a single moment! I had tasted of it, but without a
charm. I enfeebled all its delights: I destroyed them as at will. No;
Nature has not made me capable of enjoyment. She has infused into my
wretched head the poison of that ineffable happiness, the desire of which
she first placed in my heart.
If there be a circumstance in my life, which describes my nature, it is
that which I am going to relate. The forcible manner in which I at this
moment recollect the object of my book, will here make me hold in
contempt the false delicacy which would prevent me from fulfilling it.
Whoever you may be who are desirous of knowing a man, have the courage to
read the two or three following pages, and you will become fully
acquainted with J. J. Rousseau.
I entered the chamber of a woman of easy virtue, as the sanctuary of love
and beauty: and in her person, I thought I saw the divinity. I should
have been inclined to think that without respect and esteem it was
impossible to feel anything like that which she made me experience.
Scarcely had I, in her first familiarities, discovered the force of her
charms and caresses, before I wished, for fear of losing the fruit of
them, to gather it beforehand. Suddenly, instead of the flame which
consumed me, I felt a mortal cold run through all my veins; my legs
failed me; and ready to faint away, I sat down and wept like a child.
Who would guess the cause of my tears, and what, at this moment, passed
within me? I said to myself: the object in my power is the masterpiece
of love; her wit and person equally approach perfection; she is as good
and generous as she is amiable and beautiful. Yet she is a miserable
prostitute, abandoned to the public. The captain of a merchantship
disposed of her at will; she has thrown herself into my arms, although
she knows I have nothing; and my merit with which she cannot be
acquainted, can be to her no inducement. In this there is something
inconceivable. Either my heart deceives me, fascinates my senses, and
makes me the dupe of an unworthy slut, or some secret defect, of which I
am ignorant, destroys the effect of her charms, and renders her odious in
the eyes of those by whom her charms would otherwise be disputed. I
endeavored, by an extraordinary effort of mind, to discover this defect,
but it did not so much as strike me that even the consequences to be
apprehended, might possibly have some influence. The clearness of her
skin, the brilliancy of her complexion, her white teeth, sweet breath,
and the appearance of neatness about her person, so far removed from me
this idea, that, still in doubt relative to my situation after the affair
of the 'padoana', I rather apprehended I was not sufficiently in health
for her: and I am firmly persuaded I was not deceived in my opinion.
These reflections, so apropos, agitated me to such a degree as to make me
shed tears. Zuliette, to whom the scene was quite novel, was struck
speechless for a moment. But having made a turn in her chamber, and
passing before her glass, she comprehended, and my eyes confirmed her
opinion, that disgust had no part in what had happened. It was not
difficult for her to recover me and dispel this shamefacedness.
But, at the moment in which I was ready to faint upon a bosom, which for
the first time seemed to suffer the impression of the hand and lips of a
man, I perceived she had a withered 'teton'. I struck my forehead: I
examined, and thought I perceived this teton was not formed like the
other. I immediately began to consider how it was possible to have such
a defect, and persuaded of its proceeding from some great natural vice, I
was clearly convinced, that, instead of the most charming person of whom
I could form to myself an idea, I had in my arms a species of a monster,
the refuse of nature, of men and of love. I carried my stupidity so far
as to speak to her of the discovery I had made. She, at first, took what
I said jocosely; and in her frolicsome humor, did and said things which
made me die of love. But perceiving an inquietude I could not conceal,
she at length reddened, adjusted her dress, raised herself up, and
without saying a word, went and placed herself at a window. I attempted
to place myself by her side: she withdrew to a sofa, rose from it the
next moment, and fanning herself as she walked about the chamber, said to
me in a reserved and disdainful tone of voice, "Zanetto, 'lascia le
donne, a studia la matematica."--[Leave women and study mathematics.]
Before I took leave I requested her to appoint another rendezvous for the
next day, which she postponed for three days, adding, with a satirical
smile, that I must needs be in want of repose. I was very ill at ease
during the interval; my heart was full of her charms and graces; I felt
my extravagance, and reproached myself with it, regretting the loss of
the moments I had so ill employed, and which, had I chosen, I might have
rendered more agreeable than any in my whole life; waiting with the most
burning impatience for the moment in which I might repair the loss, and
yet, notwithstanding all my reasoning upon what I had discovered, anxious
to reconcile the perfections of this adorable girl with the indignity of
her situation. I ran, I flew to her apartment at the hour appointed. I
know not whether or not her ardor would have been more satisfied with
this visit, her pride at least would have been flattered by it, and I
already rejoiced at the idea of my convincing her, in every respect, that
I knew how to repair the wrongs I had done. She spared me this
justification. The gondolier whom I had sent to her apartment brought me
for answer that she had set off, the evening before, for Florence. If I
had not felt all the love I had for her person when this was in my
possession, I felt it in the most cruel manner on losing her. Amiable
and charming as she was in my eyes, I could not console myself for the
loss of her; but this I have never been able to do relative to the
contemptuous idea which at her departure she must have had of me.
These are my two narratives. The eighteen months I passed at Venice
furnished me with no other of the same kind, except a simple prospect at
most. Carrio was a gallant. Tired of visiting girls engaged to others,
he took a fancy to have one to himself, and, as we were inseparable, he
proposed to mean arrangement common enough at Venice, which was to keep
one girl for us both. To this I consented. The question was, to find
one who was safe. He was so industrious in his researches that he found
out a little girl from eleven to twelve years of age, whom her infamous
mother was endeavoring to sell, and I went with Carrio to see her. The
sight of the child moved me to the most lively compassion. She was fair
and as gentle as a lamb. Nobody would have taken her for an Italian.
Living is very cheap in Venice; we gave a little money to the mother, and
provided for the subsistence of her daughter. She had a voice, and to
procure her some resource we gave her a spinnet, and a singing--master.
All these expenses did not cost each of us more than two sequins a month,
and we contrived to save a much greater sum in other matters; but as we
were obliged to wait until she became of a riper age, this was sowing a
long time before we could possibly reap. However, satisfied with passing
our evenings, chatting and innocently playing with the child, we perhaps
enjoyed greater pleasure than if we had received the last favors. So
true is it that men are more attached to women by a certain pleasure they
have in living with them, than by any kind of libertinism. My heart
became insensibly attached to the little Anzoletta, but my attachment was
paternal, in which the senses had so little share, that in proportion as
the former increased, to have connected it with the latter would have
been less possible; and I felt I should have experienced, at approaching
this little creature when become nubile, the same horror with which the
abominable crime of incest would have inspired me. I perceived the
sentiments of Carrio take, unobserved by himself, exactly the same turn.
We thus prepared for ourselves, without intending it, pleasure not less
delicious, but very different from that of which we first had an idea;
and I am fully persuaded that however beautiful the poor child might have
become, far from being the corrupters of her innocence we should have
been the protectors of it. The circumstance which shortly afterwards
befell me deprived me, of the happiness of taking a part in this good
work, and my only merit in the affair was the inclination of my heart.
I will now return to my journey.
My first intentions after leaving M. de Montaigu, was to retire to
Geneva, until time and more favorable circumstances should have removed
the obstacles which prevented my union with my poor mamma; but the
quarrel between me and M. de Montaigu being become public, and he having
had the folly to write about it to the court, I resolved to go there to
give an account of my conduct and complain of that of a madman. I
communicated my intention, from Venice, to M. du Theil, charged per
interim with foreign affairs after the death of M. Amelot. I set off as
soon as my letter, and took my route through Bergamo, Como, and Domo
D'Oscela, and crossing Saint Plomb. At Sion, M. de Chaignon, charge des
affaires from France, showed me great civility; at Geneva M. de la
Closure treated me with the same polite attention. I there renewed my
acquaintance with M. de Gauffecourt, from whom I had some money to
receive. I had passed through Nion without going to see my father: not
that this was a matter of indifference to me, but because I was unwilling
to appear before my mother-in-law, after the disaster which had befallen
me, certain of being condemned by her without being heard. The
bookseller, Du Villard, an old friend of my father's, reproached me
severely with this neglect. I gave him my reasons for it, and to repair
my fault, without exposing myself to meet my mother-in-law, I took a
chaise and we went together to Nion and stopped at a public house. Du
Villard went to fetch my father, who came running to embrace me. We
supped together, and, after passing an evening very agreeable to the
wishes of my heart, I returned the next morning to Geneva with Du
Villard, for whom I have ever since retained a sentiment of gratitude in
return for the service he did me on this occasion.
Lyons was a little out of my direct road, but I was determined to pass
through that city in order to convince myself of a knavish trick played
me by M. de Montaigu. I had sent me from Paris a little box containing a
waistcoat, embroidered with gold, a few pairs of ruffles, and six pairs
of white silk stockings; nothing more. Upon a proposition made me by M.
de Montaigu, I ordered this box to be added to his baggage. In the
apothecary's bill he offered me in payment of my salary, and which he
wrote out himself, he stated the weight of this box, which he called a
bale, at eleven hundred pounds, and charged me with the carriage of it at
an enormous rate. By the cares of M. Boy de la Tour, to whom I was
recommended by M. Roquin, his uncle, it was proved from the registers of
the customs of Lyons and Marseilles, that the said bale weighed no more
than forty-five pounds, and had paid carriage according to that weight.
I joined this authentic extract to the memoir of M, de Montaigu, and
provided with these papers and others containing stronger facts, I
returned to Paris, very impatient to make use of them. During the whole
of this long journey I had little adventures; at Como, in Valais, and
elsewhere. I there saw many curious things, amongst others the Boroma
islands, which are worthy of being described. But I am pressed by time,
and surrounded by spies. I am obliged to write in haste, and very
imperfectly, a work which requires the leisure and tranquility I do not
enjoy. If ever providence in its goodness grants me days more calm, I
shall destine them to new modelling this work, should I be able to do it,
or at least to giving a supplement, of which I perceive it stands in the
greatest need.--[I have given up this project.]
The news of my quarrel had reached Paris before me and on my arrival I
found the people in all the offices, and the public in general,
scandalized at the follies of the ambassador.
Notwithstanding this, the public talk at Venice, and the unanswerable
proof I exhibited, I could not obtain even the shadow of justice. Far
from obtaining satisfaction or reparation, I was left at the discretion
of the ambassador for my salary, and this for no other reason than
because, not being a Frenchman, I had no right to national protection,
and that it was a private affair between him and myself. Everybody
agreed I was insulted, injured, and unfortunate; that the ambassador was
mad, cruel, and iniquitous, and that the whole of the affair dishonored
him forever. But what of this! He was the ambassador, and I was nothing
more than the secretary.
Order, or that which is so called, was in opposition to my obtaining
justice, and of this the least shadow was not granted me. I supposed
that, by loudly complaining, and by publicly treating this madman in the
manner he deserved, I should at length be told to hold my tongue; this
was what I wished for, and I was fully determined not to obey until I had
obtained redress. But at that time there was no minister for foreign
affairs. I was suffered to exclaim, nay, even encouraged to do it, and
joined with; but the affair still remained in the same state, until,
tired of being in the right without obtaining justice, my courage at
length failed me, and let the whole drop.