THE SHADOW OF DEATH
It was in truth Mara herself who came and stood in the doorway. She
appeared overwearied with her walk, for her cheeks had a vivid
brightness unlike their usual tender pink. Her eyes had, too, a
brilliancy almost painful to look upon. They seemed like ardent fires,
in which the life was slowly burning away.
"Sit down, sit down, little Mara," said Aunt Ruey. "Why, how like a
picture you look this mornin',--one needn't ask you how you do,--it's
plain enough that you are pretty well."
"Yes, I am, Aunt Ruey," she answered, sinking into a chair; "only it is
warm to-day, and the sun is so hot, that's all, I believe; but I am very
tired."
"So you are now, poor thing," said Miss Ruey. "Roxy, where's my
turkey-feather fan? Oh, here 'tis; there, take it, and fan you, child;
and maybe you'll have a glass of our spruce beer?"
"Thank you, Aunt Roxy. I brought you some young wintergreen," said Mara,
unrolling from her handkerchief a small knot of those fragrant leaves,
which were wilted by the heat.
"Thank you, I'm sure," said Miss Ruey, in delight; "you always fetch
something, Mara,--always would, ever since you could toddle. Roxy and I
was jist talkin' about your weddin'. I s'pose you're gettin' things well
along down to your house. Well, here's the beer. I don't hardly know
whether you'll think it worked enough, though. I set it Saturday
afternoon, for all Mis' Twitchell said it was wicked for beer to work
Sundays," said Miss Ruey, with a feeble cackle at her own joke.
"Thank you, Aunt Ruey; it is excellent, as your things always are. I was
very thirsty."
"I s'pose you hear from Moses pretty often now," said Aunt Ruey. "How
kind o' providential it happened about his getting that property; he'll
be a rich man now; and Mara, you'll come to grandeur, won't you? Well, I
don't know anybody deserves it more,--I r'ally don't. Mis' Badger was
a-sayin' so a-Sunday, and Cap'n Kittridge and all on 'em. I s'pose
though we've got to lose you,--you'll be goin' off to Boston, or New
York, or somewhere."
"We can't tell what may happen, Aunt Ruey," said Mara, and there was a
slight tremor in her voice as she spoke.
Miss Roxy, who beyond the first salutations had taken no part in this
conversation, had from time to time regarded Mara over the tops of her
spectacles with looks of grave apprehension; and Mara, looking up, now
encountered one of these glances.
"Have you taken the dock and dandelion tea I told you about?" said the
wise woman, rather abruptly.
"Yes, Aunt Roxy, I have taken them faithfully for two weeks past."
"And do they seem to set you up any?" said Miss Roxy.
"No, I don't think they do. Grandma thinks I'm better, and grandpa, and
I let them think so; but Miss Roxy, _can't_ you think of something
else?"
Miss Roxy laid aside the straw bonnet which she was ripping, and
motioned Mara into the outer room,--the sink-room, as the sisters called
it. It was the scullery of their little establishment,--the place where
all dish-washing and clothes-washing was generally performed,--but the
boards of the floor were white as snow, and the place had the odor of
neatness. The open door looked out pleasantly into the deep forest,
where the waters of the cove, now at high tide, could be seen glittering
through the trees. Soft moving spots of sunlight fell, checkering the
feathery ferns and small piney tribes of evergreen which ran in ruffling
wreaths of green through the dry, brown matting of fallen pine needles.
Birds were singing and calling to each other merrily from the green
shadows of the forest,--everything had a sylvan fullness and freshness
of life. There are moods of mind when the sight of the bloom and
freshness of nature affects us painfully, like the want of sympathy in a
dear friend. Mara had been all her days a child of the woods; her
delicate life had grown up in them like one of their own cool shaded
flowers; and there was not a moss, not a fern, not an upspringing thing
that waved a leaf or threw forth a flower-bell, that was not a
well-known friend to her; she had watched for years its haunts, known
the time of its coming and its going, studied its shy and veiled habits,
and interwoven with its life each year a portion of her own; and now she
looked out into the old mossy woods, with their wavering spots of sun
and shadow, with a yearning pain, as if she wanted help or sympathy to
come from their silent recesses.
She sat down on the clean, scoured door-sill, and took off her straw
hat. Her golden-brown hair was moist with the damps of fatigue, which
made it curl and wave in darker little rings about her forehead; her
eyes,--those longing, wistful eyes,--had a deeper pathos of sadness than
ever they had worn before; and her delicate lips trembled with some
strong suppressed emotion.
"Aunt Roxy," she said suddenly, "I _must_ speak to somebody. I can't go
on and keep up without telling some one, and it had better be you,
because you have skill and experience, and can help me if anybody can.
I've been going on for six months now, taking this and taking that, and
trying to get better, but it's of no use. Aunt Roxy, I feel my life
going,--going just as steadily and as quietly every day as the sand goes
out of your hour-glass. I want to live,--oh, I never wanted to live so
much, and I can't,--oh, I know I can't. Can I now,--do you think I can?"
Mara looked imploringly at Miss Roxy. The hard-visaged woman sat down on
the wash-bench, and, covering her worn, stony visage with her checked
apron, sobbed aloud.
Mara was confounded. This implacably withered, sensible, dry woman,
beneficently impassive in sickness and sorrow, weeping!--it was awful,
as if one of the Fates had laid down her fatal distaff to weep.
Mara sprung up impulsively and threw her arms round her neck.
"Now don't, Aunt Roxy, don't. I didn't think you would feel bad, or I
wouldn't have told you; but oh, you don't know how hard it is to keep
such a secret all to one's self. I have to make believe all the time
that I am feeling well and getting better. I really say what isn't true
every day, because, poor grandmamma, how could I bear to see her
distress? and grandpapa,--oh, I wish people didn't love me so! Why
cannot they let me go? And oh, Aunt Roxy, I had a letter only yesterday,
and he is so sure we shall be married this fall,--and I know it cannot
be." Mara's voice gave way in sobs, and the two wept together,--the old
grim, gray woman holding the soft golden head against her breast with a
convulsive grasp. "Oh, Aunt Roxy, do you love me, too?" said Mara. "I
didn't know you did."
"Love ye, child?" said Miss Roxy; "yes, I love ye like my life. I ain't
one that makes talk about things, but I do; you come into my arms fust
of anybody's in this world,--and except poor little Hitty, I never loved
nobody as I have you."
"Ah! that was your sister, whose grave I have seen," said Mara, speaking
in a soothing, caressing tone, and putting her little thin hand against
the grim, wasted cheek, which was now moist with tears.
"Jes' so, child, she died when she was a year younger than you be; she
was not lost, for God took her. Poor Hitty! her life jest dried up like
a brook in August,--jest so. Well, she was hopefully pious, and it was
better for her."
"Did she go like me, Aunt Roxy?" said Mara.
"Well, yes, dear; she did begin jest so, and I gave her everything I
could think of; and we had doctors for her far and near; but _'twasn't
to be_,--that's all we could say; she was called, and her time was
come."
"Well, now, Aunt Roxy," said Mara, "at any rate, it's a relief to speak
out to some one. It's more than two months that I have felt every day
more and more that there was no hope,--life has hung on me like a
weight. I have had to _make_ myself keep up, and make myself do
everything, and no one knows how it has tried me. I am so tired all the
time, I could cry; and yet when I go to bed nights I can't sleep, I lie
in such a hot, restless way; and then before morning I am drenched with
cold sweat, and feel so weak and wretched. I force myself to eat, and I
force myself to talk and laugh, and it's all pretense; and it wears me
out,--it would be better if I stopped trying,--it would be better to
give up and act as weak as I feel; but how can I let them know?"
"My dear child," said Aunt Roxy, "the truth is the kindest thing we can
give folks in the end. When folks know jest where they are, why they can
walk; you'll all be supported; you must trust in the Lord. I have been
more'n forty years with sick rooms and dyin' beds, and I never knew it
fail that those that trusted in the Lord was brought through."
"Oh, Aunt Roxy, it is so hard for me to give up,--to give up hoping to
live. There were a good many years when I thought I should love to
depart,--not that I was really unhappy, but I longed to go to heaven,
though I knew it was selfish, when I knew how lonesome I should leave my
friends. But now, oh, life has looked so bright; I have clung to it so;
I do now. I lie awake nights and pray, and try to give it up and be
resigned, and I can't. Is it wicked?"
"Well, it's natur' to want to live," said Miss Roxy. "Life is sweet, and
in a gen'l way we was made to live. Don't worry; the Lord'll bring you
right when His time comes. Folks isn't always supported jest when they
want to be, nor _as_ they want to be; but yet they're supported fust and
last. Ef I was to tell you how as I has hope in your case, I shouldn't
be a-tellin' you the truth. I hasn't much of any; only all things is
possible with God. If you could kind o' give it all up and rest easy in
His hands, and keep a-doin' what you can,--why, while there's life
there's hope, you know; and if you are to be made well, you will be all
the sooner."
"Aunt Roxy, it's all right; I know it's all right. God knows best; He
will do what is best; I know that; but my heart bleeds, and is sore. And
when I get his letters,--I got one yesterday,--it brings it all back
again. Everything is going on so well; he says he has done more than all
he ever hoped; his letters are full of jokes, full of spirit. Ah, he
little knows,--and how can I tell him?"
"Child, you needn't yet. You can jest kind o' prepare his mind a
little."
"Aunt Roxy, have you spoken of my case to any one,--have you told what
you know of me?"
"No, child, I hain't said nothin' more than that you was a little weakly
now and then."
"I have such a color every afternoon," said Mara. "Grandpapa talks about
my roses, and Captain Kittridge jokes me about growing so handsome;
nobody seems to realize how I feel. I have kept up with all the strength
I had. I have tried to shake it off, and to feel that nothing was the
matter,--really there is nothing much, only this weakness. This morning
I thought it would do me good to walk down here. I remember times when I
could ramble whole days in the woods, but I was so tired before I got
half way here that I had to stop a long while and rest. Aunt Roxy, if
you would only tell grandpapa and grandmamma just how things are, and
what the danger is, and let them stop talking to me about wedding
things,--for really and truly I am too unwell to keep up any longer."
"Well, child, I will," said Miss Roxy. "Your grandfather will be
supported, and hold you up, for he's one of the sort as has the secret
of the Lord,--I remember him of old. Why, the day your father and mother
was buried he stood up and sung old China, and his face was wonderful to
see. He seemed to be standin' with the world under his feet and heaven
opening. He's a master Christian, your grandfather is; and now you jest
go and lie down in the little bedroom, and rest you a bit, and by and
by, in the cool of the afternoon, I'll walk along home with you."
Miss Roxy opened the door of a little room, whose white fringy
window-curtains were blown inward by breezes from the blue sea, and laid
the child down to rest on a clean sweet-smelling bed with as deft and
tender care as if she were not a bony, hard-visaged, angular female, in
a black mohair frisette.
She stopped a moment wistfully before a little profile head, of a kind
which resembles a black shadow on a white ground. "That was Hitty!" she
said.
Mara had often seen in the graveyard a mound inscribed to this young
person, and heard traditionally of a young and pretty sister of Miss
Roxy who had died very many years before. But the grave was overgrown
with blackberry-vines, and gray moss had grown into the crevices of the
slab which served for a tombstone, and never before that day had she
heard Miss Roxy speak of her. Miss Roxy took down the little black
object and handed it to Mara. "You can't tell much by that, but she was
a most beautiful creatur'. Well, it's all best as it is." Mara saw
nothing but a little black shadow cast on white paper, yet she was
affected by the perception how bright, how beautiful, was the image in
the memory of that seemingly stern, commonplace woman, and how of all
that in her mind's eye she saw and remembered, she could find no outward
witness but this black block. "So some day my friends will speak of me
as a distant shadow," she said, as with a sigh she turned her head on
the pillow.
Miss Roxy shut the door gently as she went out, and betrayed the
unwonted rush of softer feelings which had come over her only by being
more dictatorial and commanding than usual in her treatment of her
sister, who was sitting in fidgety curiosity to know what could have
been the subject of the private conference.
"I s'pose Mara wanted to get some advice about makin' up her weddin'
things," said Miss Ruey, with a sort of humble quiver, as Miss Roxy
began ripping and tearing fiercely at her old straw bonnet, as if she
really purposed its utter and immediate demolition.
"No she didn't, neither," said Miss Roxy, fiercely. "I declare, Ruey,
you are silly; your head is always full of weddin's, weddin's,
weddin's--nothin' else--from mornin' till night, and night till mornin'.
I tell you there's other things have got to be thought of in this world
besides weddin' clothes, and it would be well, if people would think
more o' gettin' their weddin' garments ready for the kingdom of heaven.
That's what Mara's got to think of; for, mark my words, Ruey, there is
no marryin' and givin' in marriage for her in this world."
"Why, bless me, Roxy, now you don't say so!" said Miss Ruey; "why I knew
she was kind o' weakly and ailin', but"--
"Kind o' weakly and ailin'!" said Miss Roxy, taking up Miss Ruey's words
in a tone of high disgust, "I should rather think she was; and more'n
that, too: she's marked for death, and that before long, too. It may be
that Moses Pennel'll never see her again--he never half knew what she
was worth--maybe he'll know when he's lost her, that's one comfort!"
"But," said Miss Ruey, "everybody has been a-sayin' what a beautiful
color she was a-gettin' in her cheeks."
"Color in her cheeks!" snorted Miss Roxy; "so does a rock-maple get
color in September and turn all scarlet, and what for? why, the frost
has been at it, and its time is out. That's what your bright colors
stand for. Hain't you noticed that little gravestone cough, jest the
faintest in the world, and it don't come from a cold, and it hangs on. I
tell you you can't cheat me, she's goin' jest as Mehitabel went, jest as
Sally Ann Smith went, jest as Louisa Pearson went. I could count now on
my fingers twenty girls that have gone that way. Nobody saw 'em goin'
till they was gone."
"Well, now, I don't think the old folks have the least idea on't," said
Miss Ruey. "Only last Saturday Mis' Pennel was a-talkin' to me about the
sheets and tablecloths she's got out a-bleachin'; and she said that the
weddin' dress was to be made over to Mis' Mosely's in Portland, 'cause
Moses he's so particular about havin' things genteel."
"Well, Master Moses'll jest have to give up his particular notions,"
said Miss Roxy, "and come down in the dust, like all the rest on us,
when the Lord sends an east wind and withers our gourds. Moses Pennel's
one of the sort that expects to drive all before him with the strong
arm, and sech has to learn that things ain't to go as they please in the
Lord's world. Sech always has to come to spots that they can't get over
nor under nor round, to have their own way, but jest has to give right
up square."
"Well, Roxy," said Miss Ruey, "how does the poor little thing take it?
Has she got reconciled?"
"Reconciled! Ruey, how you do ask questions!" said Miss Roxy, fiercely
pulling a bandanna silk handkerchief out of her pocket, with which she
wiped her eyes in a defiant manner. "Reconciled! It's easy enough to
talk, Ruey, but how would you like it, when everything was goin' smooth
and playin' into your hands, and all the world smooth and shiny, to be
took short up? I guess you wouldn't be reconciled. That's what I guess."
"Dear me, Roxy, who said I should?" said Miss Ruey. "I wa'n't blamin'
the poor child, not a grain."
"Well, who said you was, Ruey?" answered Miss Roxy, in the same high
key.
"You needn't take my head off," said Aunt Ruey, roused as much as her
adipose, comfortable nature could be. "You've been a-talkin' at me ever
since you came in from the sink-room, as if I was to blame; and snappin'
at me as if I hadn't a right to ask civil questions; and I won't stan'
it," said Miss Ruey. "And while I'm about it, I'll say that you always
have snubbed me and contradicted and ordered me round. I won't bear it
no longer."
"Come, Ruey, don't make a fool of yourself at your time of life," said
Miss Roxy. "Things is bad enough in this world without two lone sisters
and church-members turnin' agin each other. You must take me as I am,
Ruey; my bark's worse than my bite, as you know."
Miss Ruey sank back pacified into her usual state of pillowy dependence;
it was so much easier to be good-natured than to contend. As for Miss
Roxy, if you have ever carefully examined a chestnut-burr, you will
remember that, hard as it is to handle, no plush of downiest texture can
exceed the satin smoothness of the fibres which line its heart. There
are a class of people in New England who betray the uprising of the
softer feelings of our nature only by an increase of outward asperity--a
sort of bashfulness and shyness leaves them no power of expression for
these unwonted guests of the heart--they hurry them into inner chambers
and slam the doors upon them, as if they were vexed at their appearance.
Now if poor Miss Roxy had been like you, my dear young lady--if her soul
had been encased in a round, rosy, and comely body, and looked out of
tender blue eyes shaded by golden hair, probably the grief and love she
felt would have shown themselves only in bursts of feeling most graceful
to see, and engaging the sympathy of all; but this same soul, imprisoned
in a dry, angular body, stiff and old, and looking out under beetling
eyebrows, over withered high cheek-bones, could only utter itself by a
passionate tempest--unlovely utterance of a lovely impulse--dear only to
Him who sees with a Father's heart the real beauty of spirits. It is our
firm faith that bright solemn angels in celestial watchings were
frequent guests in the homely room of the two sisters, and that passing
by all accidents of age and poverty, withered skins, bony features, and
grotesque movements and shabby clothing, they saw more real beauty there
than in many a scented boudoir where seeming angels smile in lace and
satin.
"Ruey," said Miss Roxy, in a more composed voice, while her hard, bony
hands still trembled with excitement, "this 'ere's been on my mind a
good while. I hain't said nothin' to nobody, but I've seen it a-comin'.
I always thought that child wa'n't for a long life. Lives is run in
different lengths, and nobody can say what's the matter with some folks,
only that their thread's run out; there's more on one spool and less on
another. I thought, when we laid Hitty in the grave, that I shouldn't
never set my heart on nothin' else--but we can't jest say we will or we
won't. Ef we are to be sorely afflicted at any time, the Lord lets us
set our hearts before we know it. This 'ere's a great affliction to me,
Ruey, but I must jest shoulder my cross and go through with it. I'm
goin' down to-night to tell the old folks, and to make arrangements so
that the poor little lamb may have the care she needs. She's been
a-keepin' up so long, 'cause she dreaded to let 'em know, but this 'ere
has got to be looked right in the face, and I hope there'll be grace
given to do it."