I know death hath ten thousand several doors
For men to take their exits, and 'tis found
They go on such strange geometrical hinges,
You may open them both ways.
--The Duchess
There is this about an actor on stage: he can see the audience but he
can't _look_ at them, unless he's a narrator or some sort of comic. I
wasn't the first (Grendel groks!) and only scared to death of becoming
the second as Siddy walked me out of the wings onto the stage, over
the groundcloth that felt so much like ground, with a sort of
interweaving policeman-grip on my left arm.
Sid was in a dark gray robe looking like some dismal kind of monk, his
head so hooded for the Doctor that you couldn't see his face at all.
My skull was pulse-buzzing. My throat was squeezed dry. My heart was
pounding. Below that my body was empty, squirmy, electricity-stung,
yet with the feeling of wearing ice cold iron pants.
I heard as if from two million miles, "When was it she last walked?"
and then an iron bell somewhere tolling the reply--I guess it had to
be my voice coming up through my body from my iron pants: "Since his
majesty went into the field--" and so on, until Martin had come on
stage, stary-eyed, a white scarf tossed over the back of his long
black wig and a flaring candle two inches thick gripped in his right
hand and dripping wax on his wrist, and started to do Lady Mack's
sleepwalking half-hinted confessions of the murders of Duncan and
Banquo and Lady Macduff.
So here is what I saw then without looking, like a vivid scene that
floats out in front of your mind in a reverie, hovering against a
background of dark blur, and sort of flashes on and off as you think,
or in my case act. All the time, remember, with Sid's hand hard on my
wrist and me now and then tolling Shakespearan language out of some
lightless storehouse of memory I'd never known was there to belong to
me.
* * * * *
There was a medium-size glade in a forest. Through the half-naked
black branches shone a dark cold sky, like ashes of silver, early
evening.
The glade had two horns, as it were, narrowing back to either side and
going off through the forest. A chilly breeze was blowing out of them,
almost enough to put out the candle. Its flame rippled.
Rather far back in the horn to my left, but not very far, were clumped
two dozen or so men in dark cloaks they huddled around themselves.
They wore brimmed tallish hats and pale stuff showing at their necks.
Somehow I assumed that these men must be the "rude fellows from the
City" I remembered Beau mentioning a million or so years ago. Although
I couldn't see them very well, and didn't spend much time on them,
there was one of them who had his hat off or excitedly pushed way
back, showing a big pale forehead. Although that was all the conscious
impression I had of his face, he seemed frighteningly familiar.
In the horn to my right, which was wider, were lined up about a dozen
horses, with grooms holding tight every two of them, but throwing
their heads back now and then as they strained against the reins, and
stamping their front hooves restlessly. Oh, they frightened me, I
tell you, that line of two-foot-long glossy-haired faces, writhing
back their upper lips from teeth wide as piano keys, every horse of
them looking as wild-eyed and evil as Fuseli's steed sticking its head
through the drapes in his picture "The Nightmare."
To the center the trees came close to the stage. Just in front of them
was Queen Elizabeth sitting on the chair on the spread carpet, just as
I'd seen her out there before; only now I could see that the braziers
were glowing and redly high-lighting her pale cheeks and dark red hair
and the silver in her dress and cloak. She was looking at Martin--Lady
Mack--most intently, her mouth grimaced tight, twisting her fingers
together.
Standing rather close around her were a half dozen men with fancier
hats and ruffs and wide-flaring riding gauntlets.
Then, through the trees and tall leafless bushes just behind
Elizabeth, I saw an identical Elizabeth-face floating, only this one
was smiling a demonic smile. The eyes were open very wide. Now and
then the pupils darted rapid glances from side to side.
* * * * *
There was a sharp pain in my left wrist and Sid whisper-snarling at
me, "Accustomed action!" out of the corner of his shadowed mouth.
I tolled on obediently, "It is an accustomed action with her, to seem
thus washing her hands: I have known her continue in this a quarter of
an hour."
Martin had set down the candle, which still flared and guttered, on a
little high table so firm its thin legs must have been stabbed into
the ground. And he was rubbing his hands together slowly, continually,
tormentedly, trying to get rid of Duncan's blood which Mrs. Mack knows
in her sleep is still there. And all the while as he did it, the
agitation of the seated Elizabeth grew, the eyes flicking from side to
side, hands writhing.
He got to the lines, "Here's the smell of blood still: all the
perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, oh, oh!"
As he wrung out those soft, tortured sighs, Elizabeth stood up from
her chair and took a step forward. The courtiers moved toward her
quickly, but not touching her, and she said loudly, "Tis the blood of
Mary Stuart whereof she speaks--the pails of blood that will gush from
her chopped neck. Oh, I cannot endure it!" And as she said that last,
she suddenly turned about and strode back toward the trees, kicking
out her ash-colored skirt. One of the courtiers turned with her and
stooped toward her closely, whispering something. But although she
paused a moment, all she said was, "Nay, Eyes, stop not the play, but
follow me not! Nay, I say leave me, Leicester!" And she walked into
the trees, he looking after her.
Then Sid was kicking my ankle and I was reciting something and Martin
was taking up his candle again without looking at it saying with a
drugged agitation, "To bed; to bed; there's knocking at the gate."
Elizabeth came walking out of the trees again, her head bowed. She
couldn't have been in them ten seconds. Leicester hurried toward her,
hand anxiously outstretched.
Martin moved offstage, torturedly yet softly wailing, "What's done
cannot be undone."
Just then Elizabeth flicked aside Leicester's hand with playful
contempt and looked up and she was smiling the devil-smile. A horse
whinnied like a trumpeted snicker.
As Sid and I started our last few lines together I intoned
mechanically, letting words free-fall from my mind to my tongue. All
this time I had been answering Lady Mack in my thoughts, _That's what
you think, sister._