YOU, who must have observed the inclination
which almost every man, however unactive or
insignificant, discovers of representing his life as
distinguished by extraordinary events, will not wonder
that Captator thinks his narrative important enough
to be continued. Nothing is more common than for
those to tease their companions with their history,
who have neither done nor suffered any thing that
can excite curiosity, or afford instruction.
As I was taught to flatter with the first essays
of speech, and had very early lost every other
passion in the desire of money, I began my pursuit
with omens of success; for I divided my officiousness
so judiciously among my relations, that I was equally
the favourite of all. When any of them entered the
door, I went to welcome him with raptures; when he
went away, I hung down my head, and sometimes
entreated to go with him with so much importunity,
that I very narrowly escaped a consent which I
dreaded in my heart. When at an annual entertainment
they were altogether, I had a harder task; but
plied them so impartially with caresses, that none
could charge me with neglect; and when they were
wearied with my fondness and civilities, I was always
dismissed with money to buy playthings.
Life cannot be kept at a stand: the years of
innocence and prattle were soon at an end, and other
qualifications were necessary to recommend me to
continuance of kindness. It luckily happened that
none of my friends had high notions of book-learning.
The sailor hated to see tall boys shut up in a
school, when they might more properly be seeing
the world, and making their fortunes; and was of
opinion, that when the first rules of arithmetick
were known, all that was necessary to make a man
complete might be learned on ship-board. The squire
only insisted, that so much scholarship was
indispensibly necessary, as might confer ability to draw
a lease and read the court hands; and the old
chambermaid declared loudly her contempt of books,
and her opinion that they only took the head off!
the main chance.
To unite, as well as we could, all their systems,
I was bred at home. Each was taught to believe,
that I followed his directions, and I gained likewise,
as my mother observed, this advantage, that
I was always in the way; for she had known many
favourite children sent to schools or academies, and
forgotten.
As I grew fitter to be trusted to my own
discretion, I was often despatched upon various
pretences to visit my relations, with directions from
my parents how to ingratiate myself, and drive
away competitors.
I was from my infancy, considered by the sailor
as a promising genius, because I liked punch better
than wine; and I took care to improve this
prepossession by continual inquiries about the art of
navigation, the degree of heat and cold in different
climates, the profits of trade, and the dangers of
shipwreck. I admired the courage of the seamen,
and gained his heart by importuning him for a recital
of his adventures, and a sight of his foreign curiosities.
I listened with an appearance of close attention
to stories which I could already repeat, and at the
close never failed to express my resolution to visit
distant countries, and my contempt of the cowards
and drones that spend all their lives in their native
parish; though I had in reality no desire of any thing
but money, nor ever felt the stimulations of curiosity
or ardour of adventure, but would contentedly
have passed the years of Nestor in receiving rents,
and lending upon mortgages.
The squire I was able to please with less
hypocrisy, for I really thought it pleasant enough to kill
the game and eat it. Some arts of falsehood, however,
the hunger of gold persuaded me to practise,
by which, though no other mischief was produced,
the purity of my thoughts was vitiated, and the
reverence for truth gradually destroyed. I sometimes
purchased fish, and pretended to have caught them;
I hired the countrymen to shew me partridges, and
then gave my uncle intelligence of their haunt; I
learned the seats of hares at night, and discovered
them in the morning with a sagacity that raised the
wonder and envy of old sportsmen. One only
obstruction to the advancement of my reputation I
could never fully surmount; I was naturally a coward,
and was therefore always left shamefully behind,
when there was a necessity to leap a hedge, to
swim a river, or force the horses to the utmost speed;
but as these exigencies did not frequently happen,
I maintained my honour with sufficient success, and
was never left out of a hunting party.
The old chambermaid was not so certainly, nor so
easily pleased, for she had no predominant passion
but avarice, and was therefore cold and inaccessible.
She had no conception of any virtue in a young man
but that of saving his money. When she heard of my
exploits in the field, she would shake her head,
inquire how much I should be the richer for all my
performances, and lament that such sums should be
spent upon dogs and horses. If the sailor told her of
my inclination to travel, she was sure there was no
place like England, and could not imagine why any
man that can live in his own country should leave
it. This sullen and frigid being I found means,
however, to propitiate by frequent commendations of
frugality, and perpetual care to avoid expense.
From the sailor was our first and most
considerable expectation; for he was richer than the
chambermaid and older than the squire. He was so
awkward and bashful among women, that we concluded
him secure from matrimony; and the noisy
fondness with which he used to welcome me to his
house, made us imagine that he would look out for
no other heir, and that we had nothing to do but
wait patiently for his death. But in the midst of our
triumph, my uncle saluted us one morning with a cry
of transport, and, clapping his hand hard on my shoulder,
told me, I was a happy fellow to have a friend
like him in the world, for he came to fit me out for
a voyage with one of his old acquaintances. I turned
pale, and trembled; my father told him, that he
believed my constitution not fitted to the sea; and my
mother, bursting into tears, cried out, that her heart
would break if she lost me. All this had no effect;
the sailor was wholly insusceptive of the softer
passions, and, without regard to tears or arguments,
persisted in his resolution to make me a man.
We were obliged to comply in appearance, and
preparations were accordingly made. I took leave of
my friends with great alacrity, proclaimed the
beneficence of my uncle with the highest strains of
gratitude, and rejoiced at the opportunity now put into
my hands of gratifying my thirst of knowledge.
But, a week before the day appointed for my departure,
I fell sick by my mother's direction, and
refused all food but what she privately brought me;
whenever my uncle visited me I was lethargick or
delirious, but took care in my raving fits to talk
incessantly of travel and merchandize. The room was
kept dark; the table was filled with vials and
gallipots; my mother was with difficulty persuaded not
to endanger her life with nocturnal attendance; my
father lamented the loss of the profits of the voyage;
and such superfluity of artifices was employed, as
perhaps might have discovered the cheat to a man
of penetration. But the sailor, unacquainted with
subtilties and stratagems, was easily deluded; and
as the ship could not stay for my recovery, sold
the cargo, and left me to re-establish my health at
leisure.
I was sent to regain my flesh in a purer air, lest it
should appear never to have been wasted, and in
two months returned to deplore my disappointment.
My uncle pitied my dejection, and bid me prepare
myself against next year, for no land-lubber should
touch his money.
A reprieve however was obtained, and perhaps
some new stratagem might have succeeded another
spring; but my uncle unhappily made amorous
advances to my mother's maid, who, to promote so
advantageous a match, discovered the secret with
which only she had been entrusted. He stormed,
and raved, and declaring that he would have heirs
of his own, and not give his substance to cheats and
cowards, married the girl in two days, and has now
four children.
Cowardice is always scorned, and deceit universally
detested. I found my friends, if not wholly
alienated, at least cooled in their affection; the squire,
though he did not wholly discard me, was less fond,
and often inquired when I would go to sea. I was
obliged to bear his insults, and endeavoured to
rekindle his kindness by assiduity and respect; but all
my care was vain; he died without a will, and the
estate devolved to the legal heir.
Thus has the folly of my parents condemned me
to spend in flattery and attendance those years in
which I might have been qualified to place myself
above hope or fear. I am arrived at manhood without
any useful art, or generous sentiment; and, if
the old woman should likewise at last deceive me,
am in danger at once of beggary and ignorance.