Produced by Suzanne Lybarger and Emmy
THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
HANDBOOKS
BY EDITH B. ORDWAY
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GEORGE SULLY & COMPANY
NEW YORK
THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
REVISED AND ENLARGED
BY
EDITH B. ORDWAY
Author of "The Opera Book," etc.
NEW YORK
GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
_Copyright, 1918_
BY SULLY AND KLEINTEICH
* * * * *
_Revised Edition, Copyright, 1920_
BY GEORGE SULLY AND COMPANY
_All rights reserved_
PRINTED IN U. S. A.
PREFACE
THE customs of social life need frequent restating and adaptation to
new needs. They are customs because they are the best rules of conduct
that have been garnered from the experiences of succeeding generations
under common conditions.
To know them, to catch their spirit, and to follow them in an
intelligent way, without slavish punctiliousness but with careful
observance, make one skillful in the art of social intercourse, and at
home in any society.
Etiquette will not take the place of character, nor of an accurate
knowledge of human nature and the arts of practical life. Given these,
however, it will unlock to any man or woman doors of success and
profit and real happiness which, without it, would have remained
forever closed.
E. B. O.
"We feel 'at home' wherever we know how to conduct
ourselves."
T. L. NICHOLS
CONTENTS
CHAPTER PAGE
I. The Rewards of Etiquette 1
II. Personality 6
III. Family Etiquette 20
Obligations of the Married 20
General Rules of Conduct 26
Table Etiquette 33
Anniversaries 40
The Giving of Presents 41
Intimate Friends 42
Illness in the Home 44
Courtesy to Servants 45
IV. Conversation and Correspondence 48
The Art of Conversation 48
Correspondence 52
Paper 55
Ink 58
Handwriting 58
Sealing, Stamping, and Directing of Envelopes 59
Salutation, Conclusion, and Signature of Letters 66
Letters of Introduction 70
Letters of Recommendation 73
Third-person Letters 74
Informal Invitations and Announcements 74
Letters of Condolence 75
Answering Letters 76
V. Casual Meetings and Calls 78
Greetings and Recognitions 78
Introductions 84
Calls 90
Social Calls of Men 92
First Calls 94
VI. The Personal Card and the Engraved Invitation 96
Form of Card 96
Inscription 97
Titles 100
Use 102
The Engraved Invitation 105
Dining and Party Invitations 108
Wedding Invitations and Announcements 114
Various Announcement Cards 119
VII. Behavior in Public 122
VIII. The Art of Being a Guest 137
IX. Duties of Host and Hostess 145
Breakfasts and Luncheons 148
The Formal Dinner 149
Visits 158
Special Duties of the Country Hostess 161
Public Functions 165
X. Duties of the Chaperon 169
XI. Etiquette of the Marriage Engagement 174
The Proposal 174
Announcement of Engagement 179
Bridal "Showers" 181
The Broken Engagement 183
Preparation for a Wedding 185
XII. The Conduct of a Wedding 194
The Church Wedding 194
The Home Wedding 201
The Wedding Breakfast 204
The Wedding Journey 208
The Wedding Fee 208
Wedding Presents 210
The Country Wedding 212
XIII. Etiquette for Children 214
XIV. Etiquette of Mourning 224
XV. Military, Naval, and Flag Etiquette 231
The Formal Military Wedding 231
Naval and Yachting Usage 232
Etiquette of the Flag 233
INDEX 237
"THE secret of success in society is a certain
heartiness and sympathy. A man who is not happy in the
company cannot find any word in his memory that will
fit the occasion. All his information is a little
impertinent. A man who is happy there finds in every
turn of the conversation equally lucky occasions for
the introduction of that which he has to say. The
favorites of society, and what it calls _whole souls_,
are able men, and of more spirit than wit, who have no
uncomfortable egoism, but who exactly fill the hour
and the company, contented and contenting, at a
marriage or a funeral, a ball or a jury, a water party
or a shooting match."
_Emerson._
THE ETIQUETTE OF TO-DAY
CHAPTER I
THE REWARDS OF ETIQUETTE
SOCIETY is a game which all men play. "Etiquette" is the name given
the rules of the game. If you play it well, you win. If you play it
ill, you lose. The prize is a certain sort of happiness without which
no human being is ever quite satisfied.
Because the demand for social happiness is thus fundamental in human
nature, the game has to be played quite seriously. If played
seriously, it is perforce successful, even when the outward signs of
triumph are lacking. Played seriously, it becomes a worthy part of the
great enterprise of noble living, the science of which is called
"Ethics." Therefore the best etiquette is that which is based upon the
fundamental principles of ethics.
The etiquette, as well as the ethics, of to-day may well be summed up
in the one maxim known as the "Golden Rule": "Do unto others as you
would that others should do unto you." Or in the philosophic statement
of it, given by Kant: "Act so that the maxim of thy conduct shall be
fit to be universal law."
A certain social sense is, therefore, the foundation upon which all
concerted action rests; and this, permeating the character and winning
conformity in the life, produces a social order which is at once the
criterion of civilization and the source of its power.
Every social code presupposes the trained personality, that is, the
individual who is intelligent enough and controlled enough to conform
to the rules prescribed for the good of all. It is only in the common
good that true individual good can be found. Therefore is it so
essential that every man regard his brother's welfare as anxiously as
his own, and permit himself to be curbed in his extravagances, limited
in the indulgence of even legitimate desires, in order that he may not
defraud another, or menace the general well-being.
Not only in social life, but in business, politics, and international
relations, this principle of the common good as the ultimate goal, the
supreme authority for conduct, holds good. To it society approaches,
now by direct progress and now by seeming reaction, but ever with a
higher evaluation of justice. This is shown in the fulfillment of both
small and large obligations.
Following the rules of courtesy, men give to each other that deference
which each believes is his own due, and each receives in return
twofold the deference that he sincerely gives. Men show, at home and
abroad, the courtesy to women in general that they would wish shown to
those of their family, and thereby the standard of respect for woman
is so lifted that even the city street at night is a safe place for a
woman to pass unaccosted, if it is necessary for her to go unattended.
Rigidly do we hold ourselves to the established rules of good
breeding, endeavoring to make of ourselves all that Nature will
permit; and we are surprised to find that Nature's own gentlemen and
gentlewomen gather about us, and rare souls look to us for
companionship, as finding in us kindred spirits.
No field so surely bears a like harvest as the one sown with the seeds
of good-will and consideration for others.
Etiquette tells us how to accomplish what we desire,--to make clear
the path to the goal of high companionship with many worthy
minds,--and enables us to get out of social intercourse the honey that
is hidden there. Without it, as social beings, we should be as
workmen without tools, architects without material, musicians without
instruments.
After all, however, etiquette is only a tool, and should never be
mistaken for the finished work itself. How you carry yourself at a
reception is not a matter of so great moment, as is the fact that you
went, and there exchanged certain worth-while thoughts with certain
people. It is the people, the thoughts they gave you and you gave
them, and the practical influence on your life of those people and
those thoughts, which are of moment.
Just as, from a musicale, you must carry the music away in your soul,
either in definite memories or in a refreshed and more joyous frame of
mind, or it is of no avail that you attended, so from social
intercourse it is absolutely necessary that you carry away the
inspiration of meeting others and the thoughts that they have given
you, and garner from those help and guidance in your life, or the most
elaborate of toilets, the most perfect of manners, and the most
ceremonious of customs are of little worth.
The tool, however, becomes invaluable when the master desires to
create. Therefore, if we wish to gain from social life the enjoyment
and happiness and help which it should yield, we should become
familiar with the practice of the best forms of etiquette, so that we
shall have skill and aptitude in their application.
The rewards of etiquette are, therefore, both spiritual and material.
That fine poise of soul which restrains all selfish and unlovely
tendencies, that clear insight which sees the individual as but a
single unit in the composite of the human race, that high aspiration
which culls only the best from the mingled elements of life,--all
these come from a true and sincere adherence to the spirit of
courteous observances, and each of these is its own reward.
On the other hand, human hearts open only to gentle influences, and
all that it is in the power of human beings to bestow upon one another
comes most readily and most lavishly to those who outrage no social
instinct. To be highly and sincerely honored socially means to be well
loved, and that must mean to be lovable. Wealth and family position
are matters of chance as far as the individual is concerned, but good
breeding is a matter of personal desire and effort. It makes for power
and influence, and often literally commands the wealth and position
which the accident of birth has refused. It is the necessary colleague
of intellectual ability in winning the farthest heights of success,
and makes the plains of mediocre attainment habitable and pleasant.