AZRAEL’S WING
For the next two days, notwithstanding the serious condition of his broken leg,
Henry seemed to go on well, till even his mother and Emma Levinger, both of
whom were kept accurately informed of his state, ceased to feel any particular
alarm about him. On the second day Mrs. Gillingwater, being called away to
attend to some other matter, sent for Joan who, although her arm was still in a
sling, had now almost recovered to watch in the sick room during her absence.
She came and took her seat by the bed, for at the time Henry was asleep.
Shortly afterwards he awoke and saw her.
“Is that you, Miss Haste?” he said. “I did not know that you
cared for nursing.”
“Yes, sir,” answered Joan. “My aunt was obliged to go out for
a little while, and, as you are doing so nicely, she said that she thought I
might be trusted to look after you till she came back.”
“It is very kind of you, I am sure,” said Henry. “Sick rooms
are not pleasant places. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind giving me some of that
horrid stuff—barley-water I think it is. I am thirsty.”
Joan handed him the glass and supported his head while he drank. When he had
satisfied his thirst he said:
“I have never thanked you yet for your bravery. I do thank you sincerely,
Miss Haste, for if I had fallen on to those spikes there would have been an end
of me. I saw them as I was hanging, and thought that my hour had come.”
“And yet he told me to ‘stand clear‘!” reflected Joan;
but aloud she said:
“Oh! pray, pray don’t thank me, sir. It is all my fault that you
have met with this dreadful accident, and it breaks my heart to think of
it.” And as she spoke a great tear ran down her beautiful face.
“Come, please don’t cry: it upsets me; if the smash was
anybody’s fault, it was my own. I ought to have known better.”
“I will try not, sir,” answered Joan, in a choking voice;
“but aunt said that you weren’t to talk, and you are talking a
great deal.”
“All right,” he replied: “you stop crying and I’ll stop
talking.”
As may be guessed after this beginning, from that hour till the end of his long
and dangerous illness, Joan was Henry’s most constant attendant. Her aunt
did the rougher work of the sick room, indeed, but for everything else he
depended upon her; clinging to her with a strange obstinacy that baffled all
attempts to replace her by a more highly trained nurse. On one occasion, when
an effort of the sort was made, the results upon the patient were so
unfavourable that, to her secret satisfaction, Joan was at once reinstalled.
After some days Henry took a decided turn for the worse. His temperature rose
alarmingly, and he became delirious, with short coherent intervals. Blood
poisoning, which the doctors feared, declared itself, and in the upshot he fell
a victim to a dreadful fever that nearly cost him his life. At one time the
doctors were of opinion that his only chance lay in amputation of the fractured
limb; but in the end they gave up this idea, being convinced that, in his
present state, he would certainly die of the shock were they to attempt the
operation.
Then followed three terrible days, while Henry lay between life and death. For
the greater part of those days Lady Graves and Ellen sat in the bar-parlour,
the former lost in stony silence, the latter pale and anxious enough, but still
calm and collected. Even now Ellen did not lose her head, and this was well,
for the others were almost distracted by anxiety and grief. Distrusting the
capacities of Joan, a young person whom she regarded with disfavour as being
the cause of her brother’s accident, it was Ellen who insisted upon the
introduction of the trained nurses, with consequences that have been described.
When the doctors hesitated as to the possibility of an operation, it was Ellen
also who gave her voice against it, and persuaded her mother to do the same.
“I know nothing of surgery,” she said, with conviction, “and
it seems probable that poor Henry will die; but I feel sure that if you try to
cut off his leg he will certainly die.”
“I think that you are right, Miss Graves,” said the eminent surgeon
who had been brought down in consultation, and with whom the final word lay.
“My opinion is that the only course to follow with your brother is to
leave him alone, in the hope that his constitution will pull him through.”
So it came about that Henry escaped the knife.
Emma Levinger and her father also haunted the inn, and it was during those dark
days that the state of the former’s affections became clear both to
herself and to every one about her. Before this she had never confessed even to
her own heart that she was attached to Henry Graves; but now, in the agony of
her suspense, this love of hers arose in strength, and she knew that, whether
he stayed or was called away, it must always be the nearest and most constant
companion of her life. Why she loved him Emma could not tell, nor even when she
began to do so; and indeed these things are difficult to define. But the fact
remained, hard, palpable, staring: a fact which she had no longer any care to
conceal or ignore, seeing that the conditions of the case caused her to set
aside those considerations of womanly reserve that doubtless would otherwise
have induced her to veil the secret of her heart for ever, or until
circumstances gave opportunity for its legitimate expression.
At length on a certain afternoon there came a crisis to which there was but one
probable issue. The doctors and nurses were in Henry’s room doing their
best to ward off the fate that seemed to be approaching, whilst Lady Graves,
Mr. Levinger, Ellen and Emma sat in the parlour awaiting tidings, and striving
to hope against hope. An hour passed, and Emma could bear the uncertainty no
longer. Slipping out unobserved, she stole towards the sick room and listened
at a little distance from it. Within she could hear the voice of a man raving
in delirium, and the cautious tread of those who tended him. Presently the door
opened and Joan appeared, walking towards her with ashen face and shaking limbs.
“How is he?” asked Emma in an intense whisper, catching at her
dress as she passed.
Joan looked at her and shook her head: speak she could not. Emma watched her go
with vacant eyes, and a jealousy smote her, which made itself felt even through
the pain that tore her heart in two. Why should this woman be free to come and
go about the bedside of the man who was everything to her—to hold his
dying hand and to lift his dying head—while she was shut outside his
door? Emma wondered bitterly. Surely that should be her place, not the village
girl’s who had been the cause of all this sorrow. Then she turned, and,
creeping back to the parlour, she flung herself into a chair and covered her
face with her hands.
“Have you heard anything?” asked Lady Graves.
Emma made no reply but her despair broke from her in a low moaning that was
very sad to hear.
“Do not grieve so, dear,” said Ellen kindly.
“Let me grieve,” she answered, lifting her white face; “let
me grieve now and always. I know that Faith should give me comfort, but it
fails me. I have a right to grieve,” she went on passionately, “for
I love him. I do not care who knows it now: though I am nothing to him, I love
him, and if he dies it will break my heart.”
So great was the tension of suspense that Emma’s announcement, startling
as it was, excited no surprise. Perhaps they all knew how things were with her;
at any rate Lady Graves answered only, “We all love him, dear,” and
for a time no more was said.
Meanwhile, could she have seen into the little room behind her, Emma might have
witnessed the throes of a grief as deep as her own, and even more abandoned;
for there, face downwards on her bed, lay Joan Haste, the girl whom she had
envied. Sharp sobs shook her frame, notwithstanding that she had thrust her
handkerchief between her teeth to check them, and she clutched nervously at the
bedclothes with her outstretched hands. Hitherto she had been calm and silent;
now, at length, when she was of no more service, she broke down, and Nature
took its way with her.
“My God!” she muttered between her strangling sobs, “spare
him and kill me, for it was my fault, and I am his murderess my God! my God!
What have I done that I should suffer so? What makes me suffer so? Oh! spare
him, spare him!”
Another half-hour passed, and the twilight began to gather in the parlour.
“It is very long,” murmured Lady Graves.
“While they do not come to call us there is hope,” answered Ellen,
striving to keep up a show of courage.
Once more there was silence, and the time went on and the darkness gathered.
At length a step was heard approaching, and they knew it for that of Dr.
Childs. Instinctively they all rose, expecting the last dread summons. He was
among them now, but they could not see his face because of the shadows.
“Is Lady Graves there?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the poor woman.
“Lady Graves, I have come to tell you that by the mercy of Heaven your
son’s constitution has triumphed, and, so far as my skill and knowledge
go, I believe that he will live.”
For a second the silence continued; then, with a short sharp cry, Emma Levinger
went down upon the floor as suddenly as though she had been shot through the
heart.
Joan also had heard Dr. Childs’s footstep, and, rising swiftly from her
bed, she followed him to the door of the parlour, where she stood listening to
his fateful words for her anxiety was so intense that the idea of intrusion did
not even cross her mind.
Joan heard the words, and she believed that they were an answer to her prayer;
for her suffering had been too fierce and personal to admit of her dissociating
herself from the issue, at any rate at present. She forgot that she was not
concerned alone in this matter of the life or death of Henry Graves—she
who, although as yet she did not know it, was already wrapped with the wings
and lost in the shadow of a great and tragic passion. She had prayed, and she
had been answered. His life had been given back to _her._
Thus she thought for a moment; the next she heard Emma’s cry, and saw her
fall, and was undeceived. Now she was assured of what before she had suspected,
that this sweet and beautiful lady loved the man who lay yonder; and, in the
assurance of that love, she learned her own. It became clear to her in an
instant, as at night the sudden lightning makes clear the landscape to some
lost wanderer among mountains. As in the darkness such a wanderer may believe
that his feet are set upon a trodden road, and in that baleful glare discover
himself to be surrounded by dangers, amid desolate wastes; so at this sight
Joan understood whither her heart had strayed, and was affrighted, for truly
the place seemed perilous and from it there was no retreat. Before her lay many
a chasm and precipice, around her was darkness, and a blind mist blew upon her
face, a mist wet as though with tears.
Somebody in the parlour called for a light, and the voice brought her back from
her vision, her hopeless vision of what was, had been, and might be. What had
chanced or could chance to her mattered little, she thought to herself, as she
turned to seek the lamp. He would live, and that was what she had desired, what
she had prayed for while as yet she did not know why she prayed it, offering
her own life in payment. She understood now that her prayer had been answered
more fully than she deemed; for she had given her life, her true life, for him
and to him, though he might never learn the price that had been exacted of her.
Well, he would live—to be happy with Miss Levinger—and though her
heart must die because of him, Joan could be glad of it even in those miserable
moments of revelation.
She returned with the lamp, and assisted in loosening the collar of
Emma’s dress and in sprinkling her white face with water. Nobody took any
notice of her. Why should they, who were overcome by the first joy of hope
renewed, and moved with pity at the sight of the fainting girl? They even spoke
openly before her, ignoring her presence.
“Do not be afraid,” said Dr. Childs: “I have never known
happiness to kill people. But she must have suffered a great deal from
suspense.”
“I did not know that it had gone so far with her,” said her father
in a low voice to Lady Graves. “I believe that if the verdict had been
the other way it would have killed her also.”
“She must be very fond of him,” answered Lady Graves; “and I
am thankful for it, for now I have seen how sweet she is. Well, if it pleases
God that Henry should recover, I hope that it will all come right in the end.
Indeed, he will be a strange man if it does not.”
Just then Ellen, who was watching and listening, seemed to become aware of
Joan’s presence.
“Thank you,” she said to her; “you can go now.” So Joan
went, humbly enough, suffering a sharper misery than she had dreamed that her
heart could hold, and yet vaguely happy through her wretchedness. “At
least,” she thought to herself, with a flash of defiant feeling, “I
am his nurse, and they can’t send me away from him yet, because he
won’t let them. It made him worse when they tried before. When he is well
again Miss Levinger will take him, but till then he is mine—mine. Oh! I
wish I had known that she was engaged to him from the beginning: no, it would
have made no difference. It may be wicked, but I should have loved him anyhow.
It is my doom that I should love him, and I would rather love him and be
wretched, than not love him and be happy. I suppose that it began when I first
saw him, though I did not understand it then—I only wondered why he
seemed so different to any other man that I had seen. Well, it is done now, and
there is no use crying over it, so I may as well laugh, if one can laugh with a
heart like a lump of ice.”
Once out of danger, Henry’s progress towards recovery was sure, if slow.
Three weeks passed before he learned how near he had been to death. It was Joan
who told him, for as yet he had been allowed only the briefest of interviews
with his mother and Ellen, and on these occasions, by the doctor’s
orders, their past anxieties were not even alluded to. Now, however, all danger
was done with, and that afternoon Joan had been informed by Dr. Childs that she
might read to her patient if he wished it, or talk to him upon any subject in
which he seemed to take interest.
It was a lovely July day, and Joan was seated sewing in Henry’s, or
rather in her own room, by the open window, through which floated the scent of
flowers and a murmuring sound of the sea. Henry had been dozing, and she laid
her work upon her knee and watched him while he slept. Presently she saw that
his eyes were open and that he was looking at her.
“Do you want anything, sir?” she said, hastily resuming her sewing.
“Are you comfortable?”
“Quite, thank you; and I want nothing except to go on looking at you. You
make a very pretty picture in that old window place, I assure you.”
She coloured faintly and did not answer. Presently he spoke again.
“Joan,” he said—he always called her Joan
now—“was I very bad at any time?”
“Yes, sir; they almost gave you up three weeks ago—indeed, they
said the chances were ten to one against your living.”
“It is strange: I remember nothing about it. Do you know, it gives me
rather a turn. I have been too busy a man and too occupied with life to think
much of death, and I don’t quite like the sensation of having been so
near to it; though perhaps it is not so bad as one thinks, and Heaven knows it
would have saved me plenty of worry here below,” and Henry sighed.
“I am very grateful to you all,” he went on after a moment’s
pause, “for taking so much trouble about me— especially to you,
Joan, for somehow or other I realised your presence even when I was off my
head. I don’t know how you occupy yourself generally, but I am sure you
are fond of fresh air. It is uncommonly good of you to mew yourself up here
just to look after me.”
“Don’t talk like that, sir. It is my business.”
“Your business! Why is it your business? You are not a professional
nurse, are you?”
“No, sir, though they offered to pay me to-day,” and she flushed
with indignation as she said it.
“Well, don’t be angry if they did. Why shouldn’t you have a
week’s wage for a week’s work? I suppose you like to earn
something, like the rest of us.”
“Because I don’t choose to,” answered Joan, tapping the floor
with her foot: “I’d rather starve. It is my fault that you got into
this trouble, and it is an insult to offer me money because I am helping to
nurse you out of it.”
“Well, there is no need to excite yourself about it. I have no doubt they
thought that you would take a different view, and really I cannot see why you
should not. Tell me what happened on the night that they gave me up: it
interests me.”
Then in a few graphic words Joan sketched the scene so vividly, that Henry
seemed to see himself lying unconscious on the bed, and sinking fast into death
while the doctors watched and whispered round him.
“Were you there all the time?” he asked curiously.
“Most of it, till I was of no further use and could bear no more.”
“What did you do then?”
“I went to my room.”
“And what did you do there? Go to sleep?”
“Go to sleep! I—I—cried my heart out. I mean— that I
said my prayers.”
“It is very kind of you to take so much interest in me,” he
answered, in a half bantering voice; then, seeming to understand that she was
very much in earnest, he changed the subject, asking “And what did the
others do?”
“They were all in the bar-parlour; they waited there till it grew dark,
and then they waited on in the dark, for they thought that presently they would
be called in to see you die. At last the change came, and Dr. Childs left you
to tell them when he was sure. I heard his step, and followed him. I had no
business to do it, but I could not help myself. He went into the room and stood
still, trying to make out who was in it, and you might have heard a pin drop.
Then he spoke to your mother, and said that through the mercy of Heaven he
believed that you would live.”
“Yes,” said Henry; “and what did they say then?”
“Nobody said anything, so far as I could hear; only Miss Levinger
screamed and dropped on the floor in a faint.”
“Why did she do that?” asked Henry. “I suppose that they had
been keeping her there without any dinner, and her nerves were upset.”
“Perhaps they were, sir,” said Joan sarcastically: “most
women’s nerves would be upset when they learned that the man they were
engaged to was coming back to them from the door of the dead.”
“Possibly; but I don’t exactly see how the case applies.”
Joan rose slowly, and the work upon which she had been employed fell from her
hand to the floor.
“I do not quite understand you, sir,” she said. “Do you mean
to say that you are not engaged to Miss Levinger?”
“Engaged to Miss Levinger! Certainly not. Whatever may happen to me if I
get out of this, at the present moment I am under no obligations of that sort
to any human creature.”
“Then I am sorry that I said so much,” answered Joan. “Please
forget my silly talk: I have made a mistake. I—think that I hear my aunt
coming, and—if you will excuse me, I will go out and get a little
air.”
“All this is Greek to me,” thought Henry, looking after her.
“Surely Ellen cannot have been right! Oh, it is stuff and nonsense, and I
will think no more about it.”