I
THE PLEASURES OF THE PEOPLE
Yes, I went on the river. I thought it would give me a chance to blow
off steam--and it did.
I ran down to Richmond, and I got a craft from Messum, and I turned her
nose up stream, and I started to scull for Molesey, but I never got
there.
It was a lovely day. There was a cloudless sky. A twittering breeze,
springing into being when least expected and most desired, plashed
against one's cheeks with cooling kisses, It was a day when the glamour
of the waters, the magic of the stream, the poetry of the river, should
have been at its best. And it was. There had been an extensive
beanfeast.
And the beanfeasters had been beanfeasting.
I afterwards became acquainted with the name of the firm which had
beanfeasted. It was one which stands high in the commercial aristocracy
of this country. Its products are known, and respected, and bought, and
eaten, and liked! the wide world over. It is understood to treat
its employees well. Undoubtedly that day it had treated them
well--uncommonly well--or somebody had. If there was any male person
who could have been adequately described as perfectly sober, I did not
see him, while there were as many as several who would have been most
inadequately described as quite another kind of thing.
It was between four and five when I got afloat, an hour at which, I
have since been informed, the average beanfeast begins to be
beanfeasty, a point to be borne in mind. There were about five thousand
beanfeasters--the statistics are pure guess-work--of whom four thousand
nine hundred and ninety-nine were on the river. If there were any who
had been on it before they hid themselves away in nooks and crannies,
and dissembled, for I am willing to assert, and even bet sixpence, that
if any of those I saw had handled a scull on a previous occasion, it
was in the days of their innocence, and that since then they had become
hazy as to which end of it ought to be put in the water.
When I was clear of the bank I started to take my jacket off.
Immediately I was the object of remarks which, by a slight effort of
the imagination, might almost have been described as personal.
"He's undressing! I say, Jim, 'ere's a bloke undressing! Now, you
girls, turn yer 'eads away!"
"Excuse me, sir, but do you 'appen to 'ave observed as there's lydies
present?"
"If you're a-goin' to bythe don't you do it. Git be'ind a tree. It
ain't to be allard. Where's them coppers?"
"Can't yer let the gentleman alone? 'E's a-goin' to wash 'isself! Ain't
no one got a kyke of soap to lend 'im?"
"Gar on! 'E's Beckwith's brother, that's who 'e is. 'E's goin' to give
a little entertainment. Now then, 'and the 'at round, you'll 'ave to
mike it thirteenpence before 'e's goin' to begin!"
These remarks were made in tones which were distinctly something more
than audible. It was gratifying to find that the advent of an
inoffensive and sober stranger could be an occasion of so much public
interest. If the mere removing of my coat caused such comment, what
would happen if I turned up my shirt sleeves? I am bound to admit that
the large majority of the other oarsmen kept their coats on, either in
the interests of decency or something else, and their hats too--which
if the same were not "billy-cocks" then they were "toppers." The
sight of an amateur sculler with a black coat buttoned tightly across
his chest, and a billy-cock hat set on his brow at an angle of
seventy-five degrees, digging the handle of his scull into the back
of his friend in front of him in his efforts to keep out of time,
always pleases.
Steering I found a trifle difficult. There were boats to the left and
boats to the right of me, boats in the front and boats at the back of
me, and as few of them seemed to have any real notion as to which
direction they were going, the question became involved. I had not got
properly under way before I found this out.
"Now, then, where are yer goin' to?"
This question was put to me by a gentleman in a check suit and a top
hat, who was tugging at a pair of sculls as if he was having an
argument with them, two male friends being fore and three females aft.
Two of the ladies had, in a playful manner, each hold of a rudder
string, and as one jerked against the other the movements of the boat
were of the teetotum order.
I replied to the inquiry with the courtesy which I felt that the
occasion required.
"Where am I going to? Shortly, sir, I expect to go into the river, when
you have finally decided to send me there."
This courtesy of mine the gentleman in the check coat and the top hat
mistook for humour.
"Funny, ain't yer?"
"I shall be when they fish me out. Not a doubt of it."
"I shouldn't be surprised but what you fancies yourself."
"Should you not be surprised? Indeed. Think of that now!"
This remark of mine seemed to rouse the gentleman's ire. I do not know
why. He became personal.
"I've seen better blokes nor you sold down our street two for three
ha'pence, with a plate o' whelks thrown in--long-faced lardy!"
"Go a'ead, Bill, never mind 'im!"
"'Is mother don't know 'e's out!"
This from his two friends in the bow. Bill went "a'ead." He thrust his
sculls into the stream, or meant to, and pulled with all his might, and
caught a crab, and went backwards on to the twain in the prow. It was a
marvel the craft did not go over. The ladies screamed, the gentlemen
struggled, but there is a providence which attends on fools, and the
last I saw of them, Bill, having another row with the sculls, was
starting in pursuit of his top hat, which floated on the shining
waters.
This sort of thing was doing me good. Ordinarily I should have resented
Richmond emulating Hampstead Heath on a Bank Holiday; but, things being
as they were, the position gave my nervous system just that fillip it
required. I felt that if I could only have a row royal with some
half-dozen of those beanfeasters--a good old-fashioned shindy--they
would enjoy themselves and I should, and I should go back to dream
dreams with a sound mind in a sound body, even though the latter was
ornamented by a bruise or two.
I had that trifling argument, dear me, yes. Shades of my sires! what
displays of oarsmanship I saw that afternoon.
"I say, matey, give us 'old of that there oar!"
The request came from an individual who formed one of a crew of four,
with the usual eight or ten passengers, and who was looking with a
certain amount of longing at a scull which was drifting on the stream
towards me.
"How did you happen to lose it?" I inquired, as I drew it towards me.
"It was my friend as done it; 'e 'it it out of my 'and."
This was an allusion to the rower in front of him, which the rower
resented.
"'Ow do yer make that out? Didn't you clout me in the middle of the
back with it, and ain't you been clouting me with it all the way along,
and didn't I say to you, ''Enery, if you keeps on a-doing that
something'll 'appen'?"
The gentleman who had been deprived of his scull dissented.
"If you knocks your back against my oar what's that got to do with me?"
"Why, you crackpot, don't you know better than that? If you was to 'old
your oar as you ought to, I shouldn't come agin it, should I?"
"It's easy talking!"
"Ain't I sittin' in front of yer?"
"Course you are."
"Then why don't you keep your eye on the middle of my back?"
"So I do."
"Then why don't you move when I move?"
"'Ow can I? 'Ow am I to know when you're goin' to move? Sometimes you
never move at all."
"You're a pretty sort to come out rowin' with, you don't know no more
about a boat than a baby. 'Ere, put me ashore! I've 'ad enough of bein'
mucked about by the likes o' you. I should enjoy myself more if I was
lookin' on from the land."
The last speaker was, I believe, the most sensible man on the river
that afternoon.
On a sudden I found myself in the middle of a race. I was lazying past
the Island. I had long since given up all thoughts of Molesey, and was
taking my ease, anticipating what might happen, when three boats which
I had just passed all at once went mad. There was a single and a double
skiff, and a four-oared tub. With one accord they started racing. I was
only a yard or two in front, and though I might have pulled clear, on
the other hand I might not; and, anyhow, it was their business not to
run me down, a fact which they did not seem to be aware of. On they
came, shouting and splashing, the steering, in particular, being
something frightful to behold. In a minute we were all four in a heap.
They yelled at me, passengers and crews, with an unanimity which was
amazing.
"Why don't yer get out of the way?"
"Pardon me, ladies and gentlemen, but, really, how could I?"
"If yer don't know 'ow to row what d'yer want to get into a boat for?"
"That, curiously enough, was an inquiry which I was about to address to
you."
The stroke of the four diverted public attention from me by falling
foul of the lady who was supposed--it was the purest supposition--to be
acting as coxswain.
"Don't pull both strings at once! Pull this 'and, now pull the other!
Don't I tell you not to pull both strings at once! What d'yer think yer
doin'?"
"Fust you says pull this 'and, then you says pull that 'and, 'ow am I
to know?"
A gentleman in the double skiff interposed.
"That's right, my little dear, don't you tyke none of 'is lip. You jump
inter the water and swim to me, I'll look arter yer!"
Apparently this gentleman had forgotten that there was somebody else
whom it was his duty to look after, a fact of which he was suddenly
reminded.
"I'm sure if the lydy'd like to chynge places with me, I'm willin'; it
don't myke no manner o' odds to me. If this is your idea of lookin'
arter a lydy, it ain't mine, that's all I sye."
When I at last drew clear they still were wrangling. I have a faint
recollection that the ladies were threatening to "mark" each other, or
anybody else who wanted it. It seemed clear that their ideas of
pleasure were inseparably associated with words of a kind.
II
THE ROMANCE OF THE LADY IN THE BOAT
As I was abreast of Ham House my attention was caught by the
proceedings of the occupants of a boat upon my left. These were two
gentlemen and a lady. The gentlemen were not only having "words;" quite
evidently they were passing from "language" to something else. I
thought for a second or two that they were going to fight it out in the
boat, in which case I should quite certainly have enjoyed an
opportunity of earning the Royal Humane Society's medal, but,
apparently yielding to the urgent entreaties of the attendant lady,
they changed their minds.
"Don't fight 'ere!" she exclaimed. "You're a pretty sort to come for a
holiday with, upon my word!"
They undoubtedly were, on anybody's word. With the possible intention
of meeting her views to the best of their ability, they began to pull
to the shore as hard as they could, each keeping severely to a time of
his own. Before the boat was really close to land the gentleman in the
bow sprang up, jumped overboard, and splashed through the foot or two
of water to the bank. Declining to be left behind in an enterprise so
excellent, his companion was after him like a shot, and in less than no
time they were going it like anything upon the sandy slope. In their
ardour it had possibly escaped their attention that the result of their
man[oe]uvres would be to leave their fair associate in what, all things
considered, might be described as a somewhat awkward situation. There
was the boat drifting into the middle of the stream, the oars, which
the enthusiastic friends had left in the rowlocks, threatening every
moment to part company, while the lady called upon heaven and earth to
witness her condition.
Pulling alongside, I took off my cap.
"Pardon me, madam, but since your natural protectors appear to have
deserted you, might I hope to enjoy the extreme felicity of your
presence in my boat?"
She stared at me, askance.
"Who would yer think ye're talking to?"
"You, my dear madam. Do me the pleasure of sharing my craft."
She smiled bewitchingly.
"I don't mind if I do. It'll just about serve 'em right, the--!"
Then she used words. And she hopped into my boat and I thought that we
were over. But there is a providence which watches over us, so we only
shipped about a bucketful. I began to row her over the sunlit ripples,
and made conversation as we went.
"Your friends appear to have had a little difference of opinion."
"Couple of bloomin' fools, that's what I call 'em, straight! Tom 'e
says Joe splashes 'im, then 'e splashes Joe, then Joe splashes 'im,
then they gets to words, then they wants to fight it out in the middle
of the river. Nice I should 'ave looked if I'd a let 'em!"
"You would."
"What do you think? silly softs! No, what I says is if two blokes wants
to fight, let 'em do it on dry land, or else let 'em put me on dry land
before they does it in a boat."
"Your sentiments do you credit."
"All I 'opes is they'll give theirselves a fair old doin'. I'd like to
see 'em knock the stuffin' clean out of theirselves, straight, I
would."
"So should I. They appear, however, to have decided not to. They seem
to have had their attention diverted by the discovery that you are
missing."
My impression was, and is, that they had been made acquainted of my
abduction of the lady by persistent shouts of interfering friends upon
the river. They left off fighting, and, instead, took to running along
the bank and yelling at us.
"Eliza, what are you doing in there? Come out of it!"
This question and command, shouted by the shorter of the two, a
sandy-haired young ruffian, with a voice like a brass trumpet, seemed,
under the circumstances, to be singularly out of place. The
observations of his companion were more to the point.
"All right, guv'nor, you wait a bit! you wait till I get a 'old on yer!
If I don't play a toon on yer, I'll give yer leave to call me names!"
The lady comforted me.
"Don't you mind what they say."
"I don't."
But presently someone came upon the scene whose remarks I decided to
mind, in a way. An unwieldy tub bore down upon us, containing perhaps
twelve or fourteen people. A stalwart young fellow, standing up in the
bow, addressed himself to me.
"Excuse me, guv'nor, but might I ask what you're doin' along of that
young lady?"
"Pardon me, sir, in my turn, but might I inquire what business that is
of yours?"
"I don't want none of your sauce! Just you tell me what's your little
game."
This struck me as being tolerably cool, sauce being evidently at least
as much in his line as in mine.
"My little game, sir, is a saunter on the stream. Good-bye."
And with that I pulled away. The stranger became almost inarticulate
with rage.
"Set me alongside of 'im! put me aboard of 'im! I'll knock 'is
somethinged 'ead off 'is somethinged shoulders!"
His friends yelled in chorus. One shouted question caught my ear.
"What are you doing along of the bloke's wife?"