many old ones are not exempt,) namely, that they are but insignificant
characters--only a humble individual out of many thousands, and that
his conduct, be it good or bad, can have little influence over the fate
of the day. This is a monstrous mistake, which it ought to be the duty
of every military writer to endeavour to correct; for in battle, as
elsewhere, no man is insignificant unless he chooses to make himself
so. The greater part of the victories on record, I believe, may be
traced to the individual gallantry of a very small portion of the
troops engaged; and if it were possible to take a microscopic view of
that small portion, there is reason to think that the whole of the
glory might be found to rest with a very few individuals.
Military men in battle may be classed under three disproportionate
heads,--a very small class who consider themselves insignificant--a
very large class who content themselves with doing their duty, without
going beyond it--and a tolerably large class who do their best, many of
which are great men without knowing it. One example in the history of a
private soldier will establish all that I have advanced on the subject.
In one of the first smart actions that I ever was in, I was a young
officer in command of experienced soldiers, and, therefore, found
myself compelled to be an observer rather than an active leader in
the scene. We were engaged in a very hot skirmish, and had driven the
enemy's light troops for a considerable distance with great rapidity,
when we were at length stopped by some of their regiments in line,
which opened such a terrific fire within a few yards that it obliged
every one to shelter himself as he best could among the inequalities
of the ground and the sprinkling of trees which the place afforded. We
remained inactive for about ten minutes amidst a shower of balls that
seemed to be almost like a hail-storm, and when at the very worst,
when it appeared to me to be certain death to quit the cover, a young
scampish fellow of the name of Priestly, at the adjoining tree, started
out from behind it, saying, "Well! I'll be d----d if I'll be bothered
any longer behind a tree, so here's at you," and with that he banged
off his rifle in the face of his foes, reloading very deliberately,
while every one right and left followed his example, and the enemy,
panic struck, took to their heels without firing another shot. The
action requires no comment, the individual did not seem to be aware
that he had any merit in what he did, but it is nevertheless a valuable
example for those who are disposed to study causes and effects in the
art of war.
In that same action I saw an amusing instance of the ruling passion
for sport predominating over a soldier; a rifleman near me was in the
act of taking aim at a Frenchman when a hare crossed between them, the
muzzle of the rifle mechanically followed the hare in preference, and,
as she was doubling into our lines, I had just time to strike up the
piece with my sword before he drew the trigger, or he most probably
would have shot one of our own people, for he was so intent upon his
game that he had lost sight of every thing else.
CHAP. VI.
Reaping a Horse with a Halter. Reaping golden Opinions out of
a Dung-Hill, and reaping a good Story or two out of the next
Room. A Dog-Hunt and Sheep's Heads prepared at the Expense of a
Dollar each, and a Scotchman's Nose.
I have taken so many flights from our line of retreat in search of the
fanciful, that I can only bring my readers back to our actual position,
by repeating the oft told tale that our army pulled up in the lines of
Torres Vedras to await Massena's further pleasure; for, whether he was
to persevere in his intended compliment of seeing us on board ship, or
we were to return it by seeing him out of Portugal again, was still
somewhat doubtful; and, until the point should be decided, we made
ourselves as comfortable as circumstances would permit, and that was
pretty well.
Every young officer on entering a new stage in his profession, let him
fancy himself ever so acute, is sure to become for a time the _butt_ of
the old hands. I was the latest arrival at the time I speak of, and of
course shared the fate of others, but as the only hoax that I believe
they ever tried upon me, turned out a profitable one, I had less cause
for soreness than falls to the lot of green-horns in general. It
consisted in an officer, famous for his waggery, coming up to me one
morning and mentioning that he had just been taking a ride over a part
of the mountain, (which he pointed out,) where he had seen a wild horse
grazing, and that he had tried hard to catch him, but lamented that he
had been unable to succeed, for that he was a very handsome one!
As the country abounded in wolves and other wild characters I did not
see why there should not also be wild horses, and, therefore, greedily
swallowed the bait, for I happened not only to be in especial want of
a horse, but of dollars to buy one, and arming myself accordingly with
a halter and the assistance of an active rifleman, I proceeded to the
place, and very quickly converted the wild horse into a tame one! It
was not until a year after that I discovered the hoax by which I had
unwittingly become the stealer of some unfortunate man's horse; but,
in the mean time, it was to the no small mortification of my waggish
friend, that he saw me mounted upon him when we marched a few days
after, for he had anticipated a very different result.
The saddle which sat between me and the horse on that occasion ought
not to be overlooked, for, take it all in all, I never expect to
see its like again. I found it in our deserted house at Arruda; the
seat was as soft as a pillow, and covered with crimson silk velvet,
beautifully embroidered, and gilt round the edges. I knew not for what
description of rider it had been intended, but I can answer for it that
it was exceedingly comfortable in dry weather, and that in wet it
possessed all the good properties of a sponge, keeping the rider cool
and comfortable.
While we remained in the lines, there was a small, thatched,
mud-walled, deserted cottage under the hill near our company's post,
which we occasionally used as a shelter from the sun or the rain,
and some of our men in prowling about one day discovered two massive
silver salvers concealed in the thatch. The captain of the company very
properly ordered them to be taken care of, in the hope that their owner
would come to claim them, while the soldiers in the mean time continued
very eager in their researches in the neighbourhood, in expectation of
making further discoveries, in which however they were unsuccessful.
After we had altogether abandoned the cottage, a Portuguese gentleman
arrived one day and told us that he was the owner of the place, and
that he had some plate concealed there which he wished permission to
remove. Captain ---- immediately desired the salvers to be given to
him, concluding that they were what he had come in search of, but on
looking at them he said that they did not belong to him, that what he
wished to remove was concealed under the dunghill, and he accordingly
proceeded there and dug out about a cart load of gold and silver
articles which he carried off, while our unsuccessful searchers stood
by, cursing their mutual understandings which had suffered such a prize
to slip through their fingers, and many an innocent heap of manure was
afterwards torn to pieces in consequence of that morning's lesson.
Massena having abandoned his desolated position in the early part of
November, the fifteenth of that month saw me seated on my cloth of
crimson and gold, taking a look at the French rear guard, which, under
Junot, was in position between Cartaxo and El Valle. A cool November
breeze whistled through an empty stomach, which the gilded outside was
insufficient to satisfy. Our chief of division was red hot to send
us over to warm ourselves with the French fires, and had absolutely
commenced the movement when the opportune arrival of Lord Wellington
put a stop to it; for, as it was afterwards discovered, we should have
burnt our fingers.
While we therefore awaited further orders on the road side, I was
amused to see General Slade, who commanded the brigade of cavalry
attached to us, order up his sumpter mule, and borrowing our doctor's
medical panniers, which he placed in the middle of the road by way
of a table, he, with the assistance of his orderly dragoon, undid
several packages, and presently displayed a set-out which was more
than enough to tempt the cupidity of the hungry beholders, consisting
of an honest-looking loaf of bread, a thundering large tongue, and the
fag end of a ham--a bottle of porter, and half a one of brandy. The
bill of fare is still as legibly written on my remembrance as on the
day that I first saw it--for such things cannot be, and overcome us
like the vision of a Christmas feast, without especial longings for an
invitation; but we might have sighed and looked, and sighed again, for
our longings were useless--our doctor, with his usual politeness, made
sundry attempts to insinuate himself upon the hospitable notice of the
general, by endeavouring to arrange the panniers in a more classical
shape for his better accommodation, for which good service he received
bow for bow, with a considerable quantity of thanks into the bargain,
which, after he had done his best, (and that was no joke,) still left
him the general's debtor on the score of civility. When the doctor had
failed, the attempt of any other individual became a forlorn hope, but
nothing seems desperate to a British soldier, and two thorough going
ones, the commanders of the twelfth and fourteenth light dragoons,
(Colonels Ponsonby and Harvey,) whose olfactory nerves, at a distance
of some hundred yards, having snuffed up the tainted air, eagerly
followed the scent, and came to a dead point before the general and his
panniers. But although they had flushed their game they did not succeed
in bagging it; for while the general gave them plenty of his own
tongue, the deuce take the slice did he offer of the bullock's--and
as soon as he had satisfied his appetite he very deliberately bundled
up the fragments, and shouted to horse, for the enemy had by this
time withdrawn from our front, and joined the main body of the army
on the heights of Santarem. We closed up to them, and exchanged a
few civil shots--a ceremony which cannot be dispensed with between
contending armies on first taking up their ground, for it defines their
territorial rights, and prevents future litigation.
Day-light next morning showed that, though they had passed a restless
night, they were not disposed to extend their walk unless compelled to
it, for their position, formidable by nature, had, by their unwearied
activity, become more so by art--the whole crest of it being already
fenced with an abbatis of felled trees, and the ground turned up in
various directions.
One of our head-quarter staff-officers came to take a look at them in
the early part of the morning, and, assuming a superior knowledge
of all that was passing, said that they had nothing there but a
rear-guard, and that we should shove them from it in the course of the
day--upon which, our brigadier, (Sir Sidney Beckwith,) who had already
scanned every thing with his practised eye, dryly remarked, in his
usual homely but emphatic language, "It was a gay strong rear guard
that built that abbatis last night!" And so it proved, for their whole
army had been employed in its construction, and there they remained for
the next four months.
The company to which I belonged, (and another,) had a deserted
farming establishment turned over for our comfort and convenience
during the period that it might suit the French marshal to leave us
in the enjoyment thereof. It was situated on a slope of the hill
overlooking the bridge of Santarem, and within range of the enemy's
sentries, and near the end of it was one of the finest aloes I have
ever seen, certainly not less than twelve or fourteen feet high. Our
mansion was a long range of common thatched building--one end was
a kitchen--next to it a parlour, which became also the drawing and
sleeping room of two captains, with their six jolly subs--a door-way
communicated from thence to the barn, which constituted the greater
part of the range, and lodged our two hundred men. A small apartment
at the other extremity, which was fitted up for a wine-press, lodged
our non-commissioned officers; while in the back-ground we had
accommodation for our cattle, and for sundry others of the domestic
tribes, had we had the good fortune to be furnished with them.
The door-way between the officers' apartment and that of the soldiers
showed, (what is so very common on the seat of war,) when "a door
is not a door," but a shovel full of dust and ashes--the hinges had
resisted manfully by clinging to the door-post, but a fiery end had
overtaken the timber, and we were obliged to fill up the vacuum with
what loose stones we could collect in the neighbourhood; it was,
nevertheless, so open, that a hand might be thrust through it in every
direction, and, of course, the still small voices on either side of
the partition were alike audible to all. I know not what degree of
amusement the soldiers derived from the proceedings on our side of the
wall, but I know that the jests, the tales, and the songs, from their
side, constituted our greatest enjoyment during the many long winter
nights that it was our fate to remain there.
The early part of their evenings was generally spent in witticisms
and tales; and, in conclusion, by way of a lullaby, some long-winded
fellow commenced one of those everlasting ditties in which soldiers
and sailors delight so much--they are all to the same tune, and the
subject, (if one may judge by the tenor of the first ninety-eight
verses,) was battle, murder, or sudden death; but I never yet survived
until the catastrophe, although I have often, to attain that end,
stretched my waking capacities to the utmost. I have sometimes heard a
fresh arrival from England endeavour to astonish their unpolished ears
with "the white blossomed sloe," or some such refined melody, but it
was invariably coughed down as instantaneously as if it had been the
sole voice of a conservative amidst a select meeting of radicals.
The wit and the humour of the rascals were amusing beyond any
thing--and to see them next morning drawn up as mute as mice, and as
stiff as lamp-posts, it was a regular puzzler to discover on which
_post_ the light had shone during the bye-gone night, knowing, as we
did, that there were at least a hundred original pages for Joe Miller,
encased within the head-pieces then before us.
Their stories, too, were quite unique--one, (an Englishman,) began
detailing the unfortunate termination of his last matrimonial
speculation. He had got a pass one day to go from Shorncliffe to
Folkestone, and on the way he fell in with one of the finest young
women "as ever he seed! my eye, as we say in Spain, if she was not a
_wapper_; with a pair of cheeks like cherries, and shanks as clean as
my ramrod, she was bounding over the downs like a young colt, and
faith, if she would not have been with her heels clean over my head if
I had'n't caught her up and demanded a parley. O, Jem, man, but she
was a nice creature! and all at once got so fond of me too, that there
was no use waiting; and so we settled it all that self same night,
and on the next morning we were regularly spliced, and I carries her
home to a hut which Corporal Smith and I hired behind the barrack for
eighteen pence a week. Well! I'll be blessed if I was'n't as happy as
a shilling a day and my wife could make me for two whole days; but the
next morning, just before parade, while Nancy was toasting a slice of
tommy[B] for our breakfast, who should darken our door but the carcase
of a great sea marine, who began blinking his goggle eyes like an owl
in a gooseberry bush, as if he did'n't see nothing outside on them;
when all at once Nancy turned, and, my eye, what a squall she set up as
she threw the toast in the fire, and upset my tinful of crowdy, while
she twisted her arms round his neck like a vice, and began kissing him
at no rate, he all the time blubbering, like a bottle-nose in a shoal,
about flesh of his flesh, and bones of his bones, and all the like o'
that. Well! says I to myself, says I, this is very queer any how--and
then I eyes the chap a bit, and then says I to him, (for I began to
feel somehow at seeing my wife kissed all round before my face without
saying by your leave,) an' says I to him, (rather angrily,) look ye,
Mr. Marine, if you don't take your ugly mouth farther off from my wife,
I'll just punch it with the butt end of my rifle! thunder and oons, you
great sea lobster that you are, don't you see that I married her only
two days ago just as she stands, bones and all, and you to come at this
time o' day to claim a part on her!"
[B] Brown loaf.
The marine, however, had come from the wars as a man of peace--he had
already been at her father's, and learnt all that had befallen her,
and, in place of provoking the rifleman's further ire, he sought an
amicable explanation, which was immediately entered into.
It appeared that Nancy and he had been married some three years
before; that the sloop of war to which he belonged was ordered to the
West Indies, and while cruising on that station an unsuccessful night
attempt was made to cut out an enemy's craft from under a battery, in
the course of which the boat in which he was embarked having been sent
to the bottom with a thirty-two pound shot, he was supposed to have
gone along with it, and to be snugly reposing in Davy Jones's locker.
His present turn up, however, proved his going down to have been a
mistake, as he had succeeded in saving his life at the expense of his
liberty, for the time being; but the vessel, on her voyage to France,
was captured by a British frigate bound for India, and the royal marine
became once more the servant of his lawful sovereign.
In the meanwhile Nancy had been duly apprised of his supposed fate
by some of his West Indian shipmates--she was told that she might
still hope; but Nancy had no idea of holding on by any thing so
precarious--she was the wife of a sailor, had been frequently on board
a ship, and had seen how arbitrarily every thing, even time itself, is
made subservient to their purposes, and she determined to act upon the
same principle, so that, as the first lieutenant authorizes it to be
eight o'clock after the officer of the watch has reported that it is
so, in like manner did Nancy, when her husband was reported dead, order
that he should be so; but it would appear that her commands had about
as much influence over her husband's fate as the first lieutenant's
had over time, from his making his untoward appearance so early in her
second honey-moon.
As brevity formed no part of the narrator's creed, I have merely given
an outline of the marine's history, such as I understood it, and shall
hasten to the conclusion in the same manner.
The explanation over, a long silence ensued--each afraid to pop the
question, which must be popp'd, of whose wife was Nancy? and when,
at last, it did come out, it was more easily asked than answered,
for, notwithstanding all that had passed, they continued both to be
deeply enamoured of their mutual wife, and she of both, nor could a
voluntary resignation be extracted from either of them, so that they
were eventually obliged to trust the winning or the losing of that
greatest of all earthly blessings, (a beloved wife,) to the undignified
decision of the toss of a halfpenny. The marine won, and carried off
the prize--while the rifleman declared that he had never yet forgiven
himself for being cheated out of his half, for he feels convinced that
the marine had come there prepared with a ha'penny that had two tails.
The tail of the foregoing story was caught up by a _Patlander_
with--"Well! the devil fetch me if I would have let her gone that
way any how, if the marine had brought twenty tails with his
ha'penny!--but you see I was kicked out of the only wife I never had
without ere a chance of being married at all.
"Kitty, you see, was an apprentice to Miss Crump, who keeps that
thundering big milliner's shop in Sackville-street, and I was Mike
Kinahan's boy at the next door--so you see, whenever it was Kitty's
turn to carry out one of them great blue boxes with thingumbobs for
the ladies, faith, I always contrived to steal away for a bit, to give
Kitty a lift, and the darling looked so kind and so grateful for't that
I was at last quite kilt!"
I must here take up the thread of Paddy's story for the same reasons
given in the last, and inform the reader that, though he himself had
received the finishing blow, he was far from satisfied that Kitty's
case was equally desperate, for, notwithstanding her grateful looks,
they continued to be more like those of a mistress to an obliging
servant than of a sweetheart. As for a kiss, he could not get any thing
like one even by coaxing, and the greatest bliss he experienced, in
the course of his love making, was in the interchange among the fingers
which the frequent transfer of the band-box permitted, and which Pat
declared went quite through and through him.
Matters, however, were far from keeping pace with Paddy's inclinations,
and feeling convinced at last, that there must be a rival in the
case, he determined to watch her very closely, in order to have his
suspicions removed, or, if confirmed, to give his rival such a pounding
as should prevent his ever crossing his path again. Accordingly,
seeing her one evening leave the shop better dressed than usual, he
followed at a distance, until opposite the post-office, when he saw her
joined, (evidently by appointment,) by a tall well-dressed spalpeen
of a fellow, and they then proceeded at a smart pace up the adjoining
street--Paddy followed close behind in the utmost indignation, but
before he had time to make up his mind as to which of his rival's bones
he should begin by breaking, they all at once turned into a doorway,
which Paddy found belonged to one of those dancing shops so common in
Dublin.
Determined not to be foiled in that manner, and ascertaining that a
decent suit of _toggery_ and five _tin_-pennies in his pocket would
ensure him a _free_ admission, he lost no time in equipping in his
Sunday's best, and having succeeded in _borrowing_ the needful for the
occasion out of his master's till, he sallied forth bent on conquest.
Paddy was ushered up stairs into the ball-room with all due decorum,
but that commodity took leave of him at the door, for the first thing
he saw on entering, was his mistress and his rival, within a yard of
him, whirling in the mazes of a country dance. Pat's philosophy was
unequal to the sight, and throwing one arm round the young lady's
waist, and giving her partner a douse in the chops with the other, it
made as satisfactory a change in their relative positions as he could
have reasonably desired, by sending his rival in a continuation of his
waltzing movement, to the extremity of the room to salute the wall at
the end of it.
Pat, however, was allowed but brief space to congratulate himself on
his successful _debut_ in a ball-room, for in the next instant he found
himself most ungracefully propelled through the door-way, by sundry
unseen hands, which had grasped him tightly by the _scruff_ of the
neck, and on reaching the top of the staircase, he felt as if a hundred
feet had given a simultaneous kick which raised him like a balloon for
a short distance, and then away he went heels over head towards the
bottom. It so happened at this particular moment, that three gentlemen
very sprucely dressed, had just paid their money and were in the act
of ascending, taking that opportunity, as gentlemen generally do, of
arranging their hair and adjusting their frills to make their _entré_
the more bewitching, and it is therefore unnecessary to say that the
descent of our aëronaut not only disturbed the economy of their wigs
but carried all three to the bottom with the impetus of three sacks of
potatoes.