_liberty_ so eagerly desired by all the world, so boasted of by
philosophers, and so often sung of by poets: I possessed that precious
treasure which is preferable to gold or silver; but unfortunately I did
not long retain it, for a cursed cook soon deprived me of it. This cook
was one of my most constant employers: “My friend,” said he one day, “I
am well pleased with you, and am willing to put you in the way of making
your fortune; quit your idle companions, and come and fill the place of
scullion at my master’s which is now vacant; I will myself teach you
the duties of the kitchen out of friendship, and qualify you to become
cook to the King himself. Happen what may, the very least advantage you
can derive from a knowledge of this fine art, is to enable you to return
to your own country a rich man.” In short, he so completely cajoled me,
that I willingly accepted his proposal.
He then conducted me to the hotel of the nobleman whom he served, where
I took my post and my scullion’s cap, that is a nightcap, with a white
apron. The first thing that was given me was some parsley to shred;
which is always considered like the alphabet to those who aspire to the
higher degrees in the kitchen. The cook my master was a married man: he
had a house in the neighbourhood where his wife lived, and where we both
went home to sleep every night; but I passed the principal part of the
day at the Hotel, where I was always ready to oblige every body. My
activity and good-nature soon gained me the esteem of my fellow servants
of both sexes. I performed their commissions with punctuality, secresy
and fidelity, and was rewarded by many small gratifications in return.
In the kitchen I performed my duty to admiration, and my master was so
well satisfied with me, that he often said I was born to tread in his
footsteps.
I grant that all this cost me no small trouble, but then I was amply
recompensed by the many advantages that my exertions procured me. Next
to the profession of begging, which is undoubtedly the most charming
condition of civilized society, I could not possibly fare better than I
did in this kitchen; having been bred to good cheer, I felt myself
completely in my element. No plate came in or went out of the kitchen
but I had a lick at it, no sauce but what I tasted, and I can assure you
my master made most exquisite ragouts. The cooks of St. Giles’s, of St.
Dominick, of the Gate of the Sun, the great Market-place and Toledo
Street, must excuse me if I rank him far above them in this art,
notwithstanding the high reputation they have established.
I might have been perfectly happy had I resisted the opportunity of
gaming; but I could not long withstand the temptation of joining the
lackeys and pages, who were at cards almost the whole of the day. At
first I spent only now and then a quarter of an hour with them, or half
an hour at the utmost; but when I found that my natural inclination for
this cursed habit was not sufficiently satisfied by day, I was induced
to steal from my master’s house in the night-time, as soon as I believed
him to be asleep, for the purpose of joining my companions at the Hotel,
with whom I generally remained until sun-rise the next morning. If my
master had been informed of my conduct, he would undoubtedly have
horse-whipped me handsomely; but no one apprized him of it, for fear of
getting me into trouble. Meantime I lost all the money that I had earned
in the execution of commissions, without losing my taste for gaming; on
the contrary, my desire for play increased daily, and I was induced to
steal to supply me with means; this I had never yet been guilty of,
although I well knew, that from my master downwards, all the servants in
the Hotel were in the habit of appropriating to their own use every
thing they could lay their hands on. Every one took good care of
himself, and what is more surprising, though they were all well aware of
each other’s practices, no one ever impeached the rest, but kept the
secret which equally affected them all.
Though I had not been a gamester from inclination, and though I had not
been from nature eagerly disposed to possess myself of the property of
another, these examples alone would have been more than sufficient to
corrupt me I soon began, therefore, to follow the fashion; I cast my
eyes with eagerness all over the house, and whatever I could pilfer
without being observed, was soon converted into money; but,
unfortunately for me, I had no sooner acquired it, than I lost it again
at play.
In addition to the opportunities which presented themselves to me to
exercise my slight of hand at the Hotel, which might be compared to a
sea open to all sorts of fishermen, I had my master’s private house,
which, though indeed but a small river, in which it was not likely to
take fish of any considerable size, yet afforded me one day tolerable
good sport. My master regaled some of his friends, all good
bottle-companions and fond of good cheer like himself, with a collation
one afternoon, treating them with andouilles and hams, which caused them
to drink three times as much as usual. During this entertainment I was
at the Hotel, and when I had finished my work, returned home to see if I
was wanted. The visitors were already gone, and I found the parlour
intolerably hot and full of dust, the cloth still on the table, and the
floor strewed with empty bottles, most of them broken. My master, whom I
did not see, but whom I heard plain enough, was snoring on his bed so
loud as to make the whole house ring with the noise; and my mistress,
who was about as sober as her husband, lay by him sleeping as sound as a
top.
I contemplated for some moments the remains of this debauch, when I
happened to cast my eyes on a silver goblet which stood on the table,
and resolved to steal it. I was certain that nobody had seen me come in,
and I could leave the house again equally unobserved. This reflection
was sufficient to determine me: “with your leave, Mr. Goblet,” whispered
I, putting it into my pocket, “you shall pay me for these broken
bottles;” then closing the door softly after me, I placed my booty in a
safe place, and returned to the Hotel as though nothing had happened.
Towards evening my master came into the kitchen, somewhat recovered of
his debauch, but in so peevish a humor, that he complained of the merest
trifles, and immediately began to quarrel with me for having a faggot
too much on the fire. I made no answer, but accompanied him home after
supper, where he immediately went to bed. As to his wife, she had so
comfortable a nap, that she was now as composed as usual, except that
she appeared dull and vexed about something. I enquired the cause with
as much effrontery as if I had been entirely ignorant of it. She
informed me that she could not find the goblet, telling me, at the same
time, that it was not the value of the thing that she regretted, but the
passion that her husband would be in when he missed it, from whom she
should never hear the last of it.
I endeavoured to console her,--not to the utmost of my power, for nobody
was so well able as myself had I been disposed,--but by representing to
her that this goblet was not of so singular a manufacture, but that a
fellow to it might be found in Madrid; that she had nothing therefore to
do, but to purchase another of the same make and fashion, telling her
husband that it was the same, which she had had fresh-washed, or that it
was a new one she had bought by giving the other and a few reals in
exchange. She approved of my advice, and requested me to endeavour to
procure one for her; and so next day I carried the stolen goblet itself
to a goldsmith’s a good way off from our house, desiring him to have it
washed, which he promised to get done in such a manner for me, that it
should appear as good as new.
I communicated this good news to my mistress. “Madam,” said I, “I have
been fortunate enough to find a goblet at a Jeweller’s shop exactly
resembling the one you have lost, but the quality and fashion of it are
so excellent, that the very lowest price at which it can be procured is
fifty six reals.” Anxious to avert the storm that threatened her, she
counted me out that sum without hesitation, and gave me half a real for
my trouble. I accordingly carried the aforesaid goblet to her in the
evening, which she thought so exactly like the other, that she said she
was convinced her husband would never know to the contrary.
The fruits of this worthy exploit enabled me to game afresh. It was,
indeed, a considerable sum for a scullion to apply to such a purpose;
but, alas! all these reals soon fell into the gulph which had already
swallowed up the produce of my former knaveries. Those with whom I
played were more experienced in the art than I was, although I had
learnt among the beggars how to shift the cards, to make false cuts,
and many other villainous tricks of the like nature.
About this time my master was desired to prepare an elegant dinner for a
foreign prince who had newly arrived at Madrid. Early in the morning of
the day preceding that on which this entertainment was to be given, the
cook took me with him into the kitchen, where the purveyor had just sent
provisions of every description necessary for the fete. We immediately
began, before the others joined us, to set apart whatever we considered
our dues of office, and soon filled a large sack, with loins of veal,
hams, tongues, and all kinds of fowls, which we concealed until night,
when I was desired to convey it home as privately as possible. This I
could not do without great fatigue, so heavily was I laden. I afterwards
returned to the kitchen, where I found employment until midnight in
preparing fowls for dressing on the next day, and after I had finished
my work, my master charged me with the care of a second sack containing
hares, pheasants, and partridges, saying: “here, Guzman, carry this home
safely, and go to rest my little friend; you will tell my wife that I
know not how long it may be before I come home.” The liar! he knew well
enough he should be obliged to remain all night at the Hotel, where his
presence was absolutely necessary to superintend the other cooks, who
were actively engaged under his directions. But he was rather inclined
to be jealous, although his wife was no beauty; and he only sent her
this message to deceive her, that she might regulate her conduct
accordingly, evidently fearing that she might think fit to call in a
neighbour to fill his place during his absence; this being a kind office
which people are as ready to perform towards cooks, as towards other
absent husbands.
Having reached home, the first thing I did was to hang the contents of
my sack in rows along the wall, which formed a very pleasant looking
tapestry; after which I began to think of going to bed, for I stood much
in need of rest after so hard a day’s work. My mistress, who slept in
the lower parlour, was already in bed. I ascended to my apartment, which
was a garret into which the sun darted its rays from morning till night,
making it as hot by night as by day. I threw off my shirt to be more
cool, and stretched myself as naked as I was born on the sorry bed in
which I usually lay; but my slumbers, sound as they were, were disturbed
about an hour afterwards by a most frightful noise, occasioned by cats,
who were fighting desperately, and the gallery appeared to me to be the
field of battle. This made me uneasy: “there will be the devil to pay,”
said I to myself, “if these malicious animals should fall upon our
provender! it were best for me to go and see what is the matter, that
creates so terrible a din.” Hereupon I jumped out of bed; and not
staying to put on my shirt that I might not lose so much time, I
hastened to descend into the gallery; but scarcely had I set foot on my
ladder, for I had no other staircase, than I perceived a light before
me, which stopped me short. I looked round to discover whence it
proceeded, and observed a figure all naked like myself, and so black,
that I took it to be no other than the devil himself. This phantom,
which made me tremble like an aspen-leaf, was my mistress, who, having
been also waked by the cats, had come to the assistance of our pheasants
and partridges, with a lamp in her hand, and clothed like myself _in
puris naturalibus_, having neglected to put her shift on again on so
pressing an occasion. As we thought each other sound asleep, this
precaution had been considered superfluous by us both. We perceived each
other at the same moment, and if I took her for a devil, she took me
for a spright. I shrieked out most horribly, and she echoed me with
equal strength of lungs, and ran into her chamber almost frightened to
death, whilst I endeavoured to regain my garret; but as my ill-luck
would have it, I slipped from the ladder, and fell with such violence
into the gallery that I was bruised from head to foot.
I got up again with considerable difficulty, and groped my way along in
the dark until I came to a place where I knew there was a tinder-box as
well as some matches and ends of candles. I obtained a light, with which
I returned to the gallery, to see whether the combatants were still
there; but our cries had frightened them away. Finding that the enemy
was fled, I examined the articles with which I had lined the walls, one
after another, and found that the bloody battle, the noise of which had
disturbed my mistress and myself, had been occasioned by the contention
for a larded hare, for a share of which the cats had disputed with so
much rage that there was nothing remaining of it but the bones.
I put all our provisions as much out of their reach as I could, and went
to bed again: but to sleep was impossible, for in addition to the pain
caused by my bruises, I could not get my mistress’s figure out of my
mind, whose swarthy skin I fancied still before my eyes. The sight of a
woman like this naked, is frightful indeed!
Day having at length come to dispel the visions of so disagreeable a
night, I rose and dressed myself to attend my master, who had given me
strict orders to be with him very early in the morning. As soon as I saw
him, he inquired after his wife and family, and I told him that my
mistress was well, and that I had left every thing in the house in good
order; not thinking it prudent to inform him of the adventure of the
cats, for fear he should think fit to impute to me the sad fate that the
hare had met with, and punish me for my negligence accordingly.
The bustle and confusion in which our kitchen now was, in preparing to
entertain the prince who was expected, would have formed a fine subject
for a painter. Every one was in action, not only those employed in the
kitchen, but also those who were constantly passing to and fro. We
needed only to ask to have any thing, which every one took care to do
pretty freely. The provisions seemed to vanish as quickly as they
appeared; one said, “bring me sugar for the tarts,” and another cried,
“bring me more tarts to be sugared.” Thus it was with all the rest;
nothing was necessary but to vary the manner of asking a little, to
obtain any thing twice or thrice over. We called these grand
entertainments jubilees, as though we thought to obtain indulgences by
robbing the master whose bread we were eating. It is certain that the
river overflowed on these occasions on all sides, and the fish swam in
deep water. For my own part, being but a small sparrow-hawk, I waited
patiently until the kites and other larger birds of prey had their
talons full; in the mean time, however, my hands itched so immoderately,
that I could not refrain from dipping into a basket of eggs, and slipped
half a dozen of them into my pocket.
Ill luck still pursued me; my master saw me; and wishing to establish
the reputation of an honest man and zealous servant at my expence, in
the presence of so many of the house servants, he came up to me with a
savage countenance, and gave me such a kick that he lay me sprawling on
the ground, and as I happened to fall on that side where I had the
pocketful of eggs, they all broke, and made an omelet which ran down my
thighs, to the great amusement of the company present, with the
exception of my master, who still looked very serious, and adding
menaces and reproaches to insult, told me, that “he would teach me to
steal in so great a lord’s house.” I was so enraged at the behaviour of
this rascally cook towards me, that it was with great difficulty I
refrained from answering, that nobody, indeed, could teach me better
than himself; and that those eggs for which he had chastised me were
laid by the fowls he had ordered me to carry home to his house the night
before; but I held my tongue, and thereby escaped any further kicking,
with which so laconic an answer would certainly have been rewarded. Take
lesson from my behaviour on this occasion, reader, if you happen to be
so fortunate as to recollect it, when you feel desirous to show your wit
by some satirical speech which may be of ill consequence to you in your
future welfare.
Notwithstanding this unlucky accident, I managed afterwards to pocket,
unobserved, two partridges, four quails, and half of a roast pheasant,
with some sweetbreads of veal, which I secured less from interest than
to try my dexterity; not being willing to have it said of me, that I had
been at court without seeing the King, or at a wedding without kissing
the bride. The banquet being over, as my master and I were returning
home together in the evening, he said to me; “Guzman, my friend, think
no more of what passed between us in the kitchen this morning; forget
the kick I was obliged to give you; it behoved me more than you can
imagine to treat you in this manner: it was a piece of policy, for which
I was sorry in the main. But think of it no longer, my lad, and to make
you amends for this little accident I will make you a present of a new
pair of shoes to morrow.” This was an article I was so much in need of,
that I was delighted with the promise, and my resentment against him
instantly subsided. He did not, however, keep his word, being prevented
by what happened the next day.
My mistress gave me a very sour look when we got home; whence I
conceived that she had taken an aversion to me on account of the last
night’s adventure, and I was not deceived in my opinion, for she seemed,
evidently, ashamed to look me in the face. But I am convinced that she
was less mortified at my having seen her naked, than afraid of the fine
report I might make of the adventure. I went to bed, however, without
feeling much anxiety as to what she thought, and resolved to sell the
game and veal sweetbreads I had stolen the next day. I rose so early in
the morning, that I left my master in bed, and ran to the market, quite
sure that I should have abundance of time to dispose of my merchandize,
and still to get to the hotel before him. I soon found a purchaser in an
old cook, whom I never fail to curse whenever I happen to think of him,
who professed himself ready to buy whatever I had. I was so pressed for
time that the bargain was soon struck; and I agreed to let him have my
provisions for six reals, and was only waiting for my money to start off
as swift as a roebuck; but this old dotard was as punctilious and slow
as I was hasty and impatient. He must first put a register which he held
in his hand under his arm, then take off his ragged gloves, and hang
them to his girdle; after which he pulled out his spectacles and spent
about half an hour in cleaning them to examine the money he was going to
pay me.
In vain did I entreat him to make more haste, telling him I had an
affair of consequence which called me elsewhere; he was deaf to my
prayer. How long a time did he consume in untying his purse, and how
many pieces of money did he amuse himself with looking at, one after
another, before he began counting the money into my hands, by quarters
and half quarters of reals, and even maravedis: all this almost drove me
mad. “What, old fumbler,” muttered I between my teeth: “can such a
trifling old cur wish to enrage me, or to amuse me here, until my
master, who is already suspicious of me, and who, perhaps, is at this
moment looking every where for me, come up and surprise me?” This, it
appears, I had more reason to apprehend than I imagined; the cook had
heard me leave the house, and was much surprised at such extraordinary
diligence; and suspecting that I had some new scheme in my head, he got
up and dressed himself hastily that he might be at my heels; so that he
stood immediately behind me at the very moment the old man had at last
got over the ceremony of paying me. “Ho! ho! my boy,” cried my master,
seizing me by the hand and taking the money, “what fine bargain is this
you are making?” At these words I stood more confounded than a smuggler
who is caught in the fact. I made no reply, and was even patient enough
to submit to another good kick, accompanied by a thousand reproaches. He
did not leave me until he had forbidden me ever to enter his house
again, and threatened to thrash me soundly if I was ever insolent enough
to pass the door of the hotel. My friend the merchant, unluckily for
him, remained on the spot until the close of this scene, which was, in
consequence, little better for him than for me; for attributing my
present misfortune to this old sorcerer, I fell on him in my passion,
and snatched my partridges and pheasants, telling him I was determined
to have my own goods, and that he might get his money if he could from
the knave who had run off with it. Thus saying, I disappeared like a
flash of lightning, to sell my game in some other market, leaving this
phlegmatic old gentleman to his own thoughts upon the adventure, which
he most probably considered a plan concerted between the cook and me to
cheat him out of his money.
END OF VOL. I.
London: Printed by J. Nichols and Son,
25, Parliament-street.