We had no great reason to brag of our tournyment at Tuggeridgeville:
but, after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor
Lord Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and the
Emperor Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armour, and silk
stockings, like Mr. Pell's friend, in "Pickwick;" we, having employed
the gentlemen from Ashley's Anti-theatre, had some decent sport for our
money.
We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished himself
by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb,
the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs, his man, who came to lay hands upon him. My
sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and a
sad thing it is to see her in low spirits: on days of illness she no
more minds giving Jemimarann a box on the ear, or sending a plate of
muffins across a table at poor me, than she does taking her tea.
Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it was
the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at
Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good,
and declared that she should die unless she went to the sea-side in
France. I knew what this meant, and that I might as well attempt to
resist her, as to resist Her Gracious Majesty in Parliament assembled;
so I told the people to pack up the things, and took four places on
board the "Grand Turk" steamer for Boulogne.
The travelling carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and my
carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before;
and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was
the—but, poh! never mind), went down to the Custom House in the other
carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants and
fourteen band-boxes and trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear
girl in the journey.
The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described; we saw
the Monument, a memento of the wicked popish massacre of Saint
Bartholomew;—why erected here I can't think, as Saint Bartholomew's is
in Smithfield,—we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion
House, where we saw the two-and-twenty shilling coal-smoke coming out of
the chimneys, and were landed at the Custom House in safety.
Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest
civility; calling Jemmy her ladyship, and me your honour; ay, and your
honouring and my ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab.
I somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away: "Here, my fine
fellow," says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful,
holding his hat in one hand and Jemmy's jewel-case in the other, "here,
my fine chap," says I, "here's six shillings for you;" for I did not
care for the money.
"Six what?" says he.
"Six shillings, fellow!" shrieks Jemmy; "and twice as much as your
fare."
"Feller, marm!" says this insolent coachman; "feller yourself, marm: do
you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my precious back, and
bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, and your traps, for six
hog?" And with this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it,
and doubling his fist, put it so very near my nose that I really thought
he would have made it bleed. "My fare's heighteen shillings," says he,
"haint it?—hask hany of these gentlemen."
"Why, it ain't more than seventeen and six," says one of the fourteen
porters; "but, if the gen'l'man _is_ a gen'l'man, he can't give no less
than a suffering any how."
I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk: but, "Holloa!" says
one; "What's the row?" says another; "Come, dub up!" roars a third: and
I don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that I
took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy's maid had
disappeared by this time; they always do when there's a robbery or a row
going on.
I was going after them. "Stop, Mr. Ferguson," pipes a young gentleman of
about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles,
and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together: "Stop,
Mr. Heff," says he, taking a small pipe out of his mouth, "and don't
forgit the cabman."
"What's your fare, my lad?" says I.
"Why, let's see—yes—ho!—my fare's seven-and-thirty and eightpence eggs—
ackly."
The fourteen gentlemen, holding the luggage, here burst out and laughed
very rudely indeed; and the only person who seemed disappointed was, I
thought, the hackney-coachman. "Why, _you_ rascal!" says Jemmy, laying
hold of the boy, "do you want more than the coachman?"
"Don't rascal _me_, marm!" shrieks the little chap in return. "What's
the coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omlibus for sixpence if you like;
vy don't you go and buss it, marm? Vy did you call my cab, marm? Vy am I
to come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, Po'tl'nd Place, and not git my
fare, marm?"
This speech, which takes some time to write down, was made in about the
fifth part of a second; and, at the end of it, the young gentleman
hurled down his pipe, and, advancing towards Jemmy, doubled his fist,
and seemed to challenge her to fight. My dearest girl now turned from
red to be as pale as white Windsor, and fell into my arms; what was I to
do? I called, "Policeman!" but a policeman wont interfere in Thames
Street; robbery is licensed there: what was I to do? Oh! my heart beats
when I think of what my Tug did!
As soon as this young cab chap put himself into a fighting attitude,
Master Tuggeridge Coxe—who had been standing by, laughing very rudely, I
thought—Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his jacket suddenly into
his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her start, and recovered her a
little), and, before we could say a word, was in the ring in which we
stood (formed by the porters, nine orangemen and women, I don't know how
many newspaper boys, hotel cads, and old clothesmen), and, whirling
about two little white fists in the face of the gentleman in the red
waistcoat, who brought a great pair of black ones up to bear on the
enemy, was engaged in an instant.
But, law bless you! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing; and
_milled_ away—one, two, right and left—like a little hero as he is, with
all his dear mother's spirit in him: first came a crack which sent his
white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab, and scattered among the
crowd a vast number of things which the cabman kept in it,—such as a
ball of string, a piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a little
warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c.
The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no
time: another blow was planted on his cheek-bone; and a third, which hit
him straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the
ground.
"Brayvo, my lord!" shouted all the people around.
"I won't have no more, thank yer," said the little cabman, gathering
himself up; "give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me git away?"
"What's your fare _now_, you cowardly little thief?" says Tug.
"Vy, then, two-and-eightpence," says he, "go along,—you _know_ it is:"
and two-and-eightpence he had; and everybody applauded Tug, and hissed
the cab-boy, and asked Tug for something to drink.
I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were very nearly so
in one sense at least; for after Mrs. Coxe, and Jemimarann, and Tug, and
the maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came to my
turn. I had often heard of people being taken up by a _plank_, but
seldom of their being set down by one. Just as I was going over, the
vessel rode off a little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the
water. You might have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend; it
rung in my ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving
her a disconsolate widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of
my beaver hat—though I have heard that drowning men catch at straws:—I
floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook; and, luckily, just
then I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waist-band of my whites, and
found myself hauled up in air at the end of a boat-hook, to the sound of
"yeho! yeho! yehoi! yehoi!" and so I was dragged aboard. I was put to
bed, and had swallowed so much water that it took a very considerable
quantity of brandy to bring it to a proper mixture in my inside; in
fact, for some hours I was in a very deplorable state.
[Illustration:
OCTOBER—Notice to quit.
]
[Illustration]