I was always fond of billiards: and in former days, at Grogram's, in
Greek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet
twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted
the first man of the club; and could take five from John the marker
himself. I had a genius, in fact, for the game; and now that I was
placed in that station of life where I could cultivate my talents, I
gave them full play, and improved amazingly. I do say that I think
myself as good a hand as any chap in England.
The Count, and his Excellency Baron von Punter, were, I can tell you,
astonished by the smartness of my play; the first two or three rubbers
Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him
all to sticks; or, at least, win six games to his four: and such was the
betting upon me: his Excellency losing large sums to the Count, who knew
what play was, and used to back me. I did not play except for shillings,
so my skill was of no great service to me.
One day I entered the billiard-room when these three gentlemen were high
in words. "The thing shall not be done," I heard Captain Tagrag say. "I
won't stand it."
"Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourzelf, hey?" said the
Baron.
"You sall not have a single fezare of him, begar," said the Count. "Ve
vill blow you, M. de Taguerague; parole d'honneur, ve vill."
"What's all this, gents," says I, stepping in, "about birds and
feathers?"
"Oh," says Tagrag, "we were talking about—about—pigeon-shooting. The
Count, here, says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty yards, and
I said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular murder."
"Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting," cries the Baron: "and I know no
better sport. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire? De fon is
gabidal." "No doubt," says I, "for the shooters, but mighty bad sport
for the _pigeon_;" and this joke set them all a laughing ready to die. I
didn't know then what a good joke it _was_, neither; but I gave Master
Baron that day a precious good beating, and walked off with no less than
fifteen shillings of his money.
As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took in
the "Flare-up," regularly; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that
celebrated publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag subscribed for
me, Philo-pestitiæamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon; and
the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of cultivating the
kidney species of that vegetable, made no small noise at the time, and
got me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was a constant
reader of the Notices to Correspondents, and my early education having
been rayther neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is
the custom in our trade, to practise on a sheep's-head at the tender age
of nine years, before I was allowed to venture on the human
countenance), I say, being thus curtailed and cut off in my classical
learning, I must confess I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of
genteel information from that treasury of all sorts of knowledge, at
least sufficient to make me a match in learning for all the noblemen and
gentlemen who came to our house. Well, on looking over the "Flare-up"
notices to correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the
notices, as follows:—
"'Automodon.' We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker, of Covent
Garden Theatre; nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a
married man.
"'Ducks and Green-peas' is informed, that when A plays his rook to B's
second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen's pawn,
gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no reason why B's Queen
should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined.
"'F. L. S.' We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame
Vestris: her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of
Charles Mathews, the celebrated comedian.
"'Fair Play.' The best amateur billiard and écarté player in England, is
Coxe Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville:
Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a
hundred: and at the cards, _no_ man is his superior. Verbum sap.
"'Scipio Americanus' is a blockhead."
I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how
the Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get such information; and
both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his
play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We
read him the paragraph, and preciously angry he was. "Id is," he cried,
"the tables (or 'de _dabels_,' as he called them), de horrid dabels; gom
viz me to London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you." We all
roared at this; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to satisfy
the fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or any
tables he chose.
"Gut," says he, "gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de Quadrant;
his dabels is goot; ve vill blay dere, if you vill;" and I said, I
would: and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the
Opera, we should go to the Baron's rooms, and give him a chance.
We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw; lots
of champagne (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and
fun. Afterwards, down we went to billiards. "Is dish Mishter Coxsh, de
shelebrated player?" says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one or
two gentlemen of his own persuasion, and several foreign noblemen,
dirty, snuffy, and hairy, as them foreigners are. "Is dish Mishter
Coxsh? blesh ma hart, it is a honer to see you, I have heard so much of
your play."
"Come, come," says I, "sir;" for I'm pretty wide awake; "none of your
gammon; you're not going to hook _me_."
"No, begar, dis fish you not catch," says Count Mace.
"Dat is gut! haw! haw!" snorted the Baron: "hook him! lieber himmel, you
might dry and hook me as well. Haw! haw!"
Well, we went to play. "Fife to four on Coxe," screams out the Count.—
"Done and done," says another nobleman. "Ponays," says the Count.—
"Done," says the nobleman. "I vill take your six crowns to four," says
the Baron.—"Done," says I; and, in the twinkling of an eye, I beat him;—
once making thirteen off the balls without stopping.
We had some more wine after this; and if you could have seen the long
faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote
I O U's for the Count. "Va toujours, mon cher," says he to me, "you have
von for me tree hundred pounds."
"I'll blay you guineas dis time," says the Baron. "Zeven to four you
must give me, though;" and so I did: and in ten minutes _that_ game was
won, and the Baron handed over his pounds. "Two hundred and sixty more,
my dear, dear Coxe," says the Count; "you are mon ange gardien!" "Wot a
flat Mishter Coxsh ish, not to back his luck," I heard Abednego whisper
to one of the foreign noblemen.
"I'll take your seven to four, in tens," said I to the Baron. "Give me
three," says he, "and done." I gave him three, and lost the game by one.
"Dobbel, or quits," says he. "Go it," says I, up to my mettle; "Sam Coxe
never says no;"—and to it we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to his
five. "Holy Moshesh!" says Abednego, "dat little Coxsh is a vonder!
who'll take odds?"
"I'll give twenty to one," says I, "in guineas."
"Ponays, yase, done," screams out the Count.
"_Bonies_, done," roars out the Baron: and before I could speak, went
in, and, would you believe it?—in two minutes he somehow made the game!
* * * * *
Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards!—In
vain I swore it was guineas: the Count and the Baron swore to ponies;
and when I refused, they both said their honour was concerned, and they
must have my life, or their money. So when the Count showed me actually
that, in spite of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from
me, he had been a very heavy loser by the night; and brought me the word
of honour of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that
ponies had been betted;—why, I paid one thousand pounds sterling of good
and lawful money;—but I've not played for money since: no, no; catch me
at _that_ again, if you can.