After this, as you may fancy, I left this disgusting establishment, and
lived for some time along with pa and mamma at home. My education was
finished, at least mamma and I agreed that it was: and from boyhood
until hobbadyhoyhood (which I take to be about the sixteenth year of the
life of a young man, and may be likened to the month of April when
spring begins to bloom), from fourteen until seventeen, I say, I
remained at home, doing nothing, for which I ever since have had a great
taste, the idol of my mamma, who took part in all my quarrels with
father, and used regularly to rob the weekly expenses in order to find
me in pocket-money. Poor soul! many and many is the guinea I have had
from her in that way; and so she enabled me to cut a very pretty figure.
Papa was for having me at this time articled to a merchant, or put to
some profession; but mamma and I agreed that I was born to be a
gentleman, and not a tradesman, and the army was the only place for me.
Everybody was a soldier in those times, for the French war had just
begun, and the whole country was swarming with militia regiments. "We'll
get him a commission in a marching regiment," said my father; "as we
have no money to purchase him up, he'll _fight_ his way, I make no
doubt;" and papa looked at me, with a kind of air of contempt, as much
as to say he doubted whether I should be very eager for such a dangerous
way of bettering myself.
I wish you could have heard mamma's screech, when he talked so coolly of
my going out to fight. "What, send him abroad! across the horrid, horrid
sea—to be wrecked and, perhaps, drowned, and only to land for the
purpose of fighting the wicked Frenchmen,—to be wounded, and perhaps
kick—kick—killed! Oh, Thomas, Thomas! would you murder me and your boy?"
There was a regular scene;—however it ended, as it always did, in
mother's getting the better, and it was settled that I should go into
the militia. And why not? the uniform is just as handsome, and the
danger not half so great. I don't think in the course of my whole
military experience I ever fought anything, except an old woman, who had
the impudence to hallo out, "Heads up, lobster!"—Well, I joined the
North Bungays and was fairly launched into the world.
I was not a handsome man, I know; but there was _something_ about me—
that's very evident—for the girls always laughed when they talked to me,
and the men, though they affected to call me a poor little creature,
squint-eyes, knock-knees, red-head, and so on, were evidently annoyed by
my success, for they hated me so confoundedly. Even at the present time
they go on, though I have given up gallivanting, as I call it. But in
the April of my existence—that is, in Anno Domini 1791, or so—it was a
different case; and having nothing else to do, and being bent upon
bettering my condition, I did some very pretty things in that way. But I
was not hot-headed and imprudent, like most young fellows.—Don't fancy I
looked for beauty! Pish!—I wasn't such a fool. Nor for temper; I don't
care about a bad temper: I could break any woman's heart in two years.
What I wanted was to get on in the world. Of course, I didn't _prefer_
an ugly woman, or a shrew; and, when the choice offered, would certainly
put up with a handsome, good-humoured girl, with plenty of money, as any
honest man would.
Now there were two tolerably rich girls in our parts: Miss Magdalen
Crutty, with twelve thousand pounds (and, to do her justice, as plain a
girl as ever I saw), and Miss Mary Waters, a fine, tall, plump, smiling,
peach-cheeked, golden-haired, white-skinned lass, with only ten. Mary
Waters lived with her uncle, the Doctor, who had helped me into the
world, and who was trusted with this little orphan charge very soon
after. My mother, as you have heard, was so fond of Bates, and Bates so
fond of little Mary, that both, at first, were almost always in our
house: and I used to call her my little wife, as soon as I could speak,
and before she could walk, almost. It was beautiful to see us, the
neighbours said.
Well, when her brother, the lieutenant of an India ship, came to be
captain, and actually gave Mary five thousand pounds, when she was about
ten years old, and promised her five thousand more, there was a great
talking, and bobbing, and smiling, between the Doctor and my parents,
and Mary and I were left together more than ever, and she was told to
call me her little husband: and she did, and it was considered a settled
thing from that day. She was really amazingly fond of me.
Can any one call me mercenary after that? Though Miss Crutty had twelve
thousand, and Mary only ten (five in hand, and five in the bush), I
stuck faithfully to Mary. As a matter of course, Miss Crutty hated Miss
Waters. The fact was, Mary had all the country dangling after her, and
not a soul would come to Magdalen, for all her £12,000. I used to be
attentive to her, though (as it's always useful to be); and Mary would
sometimes laugh and sometimes cry at my flirting with Magdalen. This I
thought proper very quickly to check. "Mary," said I, "you know that my
love for you is disinterested,—for I am faithful to you, though Miss
Crutty is richer than you. Don't fly into a rage, then, because I pay
her attentions, when you know that my heart and my promise are engaged
to you."
The fact is, to tell a little bit of a secret, there is nothing like the
having two strings to your bow. "Who knows?" thought I, "Mary may die;
and then where are my £10,000?" So I used to be very kind indeed to Miss
Crutty; and well it was that I was so: for when I was twenty, and Mary
eighteen, I'm blest if news did not arrive that Captain Waters, who was
coming home to England with all his money in rupees, had been taken—
ship, rupees, self and all—by a French privateer; and Mary, instead of
£10,000, had only £5000, making a difference of no less than £350 per
annum betwixt her and Miss Crutty.
I had just joined my regiment (the famous North Bungay Fencibles,
Colonel Craw commanding) when this news reached me; and you may fancy
how a young man, in an expensive regiment and mess, having uniforms and
whatnot to pay for, and a figure to cut in the world, felt at hearing
such news! "My dearest Robert," wrote Miss Waters, "will deplore my dear
brother's loss: but not, I am sure, the money which that kind and
generous soul had promised me. I have still five thousand pounds, and
with this and your own little fortune (I had £1000 in the five per
cents.!) we shall be as happy and contented as possible."
Happy and contented, indeed! Didn't I know how my father got on with his
£300 a-year, and how it was all he could do out of it to add a hundred
a-year to my narrow income, and live himself! My mind was made up—I
instantly mounted the coach, and flew to our village,—to Mr. Crutty's,
of course. It was next door to Doctor Bates's; but I had no business
_there_.
I found Magdalen in the garden. "Heavens, Mr. Stubbs!" said she, as in
my new uniform I appeared before her, "I really did never—such a
handsome officer—expect to see you;" and she made as if she would blush,
and began to tremble violently. I led her to a garden seat. I seized her
hand—it was not withdrawn. I pressed it;—I thought the pressure was
returned. I flung myself on my knees, and then I poured into her ear a
little speech which I had made on the top of the coach. "Divine Miss
Crutty," said I; "idol of my soul! It was but to catch one glimpse of
you that I passed through this garden. I never intended to breathe the
secret passion (oh, no! of course not) which was wearing my life away.
You know my unfortunate pre-engagement,—it is broken, and _for ever_! I
am free!—free, but to be your slave,—your humblest, fondest, truest
slave:" and so on.....
"O, Mr. Stubbs," said she, as I imprinted a kiss upon her cheek, "I
can't refuse you; but I fear you are a sad, naughty man...."
Absorbed in the delicious reverie which was caused by the dear
creature's confusion, we were both silent for a while, and should have
remained so for hours, perhaps, so lost were we in happiness, had I not
been suddenly roused by a voice exclaiming from behind us,
"_Don't cry, Mary; he is a swindling, sneaking scoundrel, and you are
well rid of him!_"
I turned round! O, Heaven! there stood Mary, weeping on Doctor Bates's
arm, while that miserable apothecary was looking at me with the utmost
scorn. The gardener who had let me in had told them of my arrival, and
now stood grinning behind them. "Imperence!" was my Magdalen's only
exclamation, as she flounced by with the utmost self-possession, while
I, glancing daggers at _the spies_, followed her. We retired to the
parlour, where she repeated to me the strongest assurances of her love.