At the Annual Meeting of the So-oh!-logical Society, the Chairman, in an
able speech, which was highly satisfactory to himself and all present,
congratulated the members on the prosperous state of the concern. He
informed them that their coffers and their dens were yet undrained; that
they were still able to raise the wind, though they had very little
ventilation; that the shilling orders were on the increase, though the
animals were in a decline; and, admitting that some of them had galloped
off in a consumption, there was a consolation in the old adage, that
living asses were far better than dead lions,—a truth of which they must
all feel a full conviction.
He stated that 15,073 pennyworths of apples, 10,732 gingerbread cakes,
and 6,532 half-pints of nuts had been sold during the year by the old
lady who sits at the bear-pit; that a Sunday school had been established
in the Gardens, under the superintendence of a committee of noblemen,
for the purpose of instructing the apes and monkeys in the art of
smoking cigars, and other usages of fashionable life; but that the
throngs of ladies who crowded round them during school-hours had greatly
retarded their improvement, by staring them out of countenance.
He thought it right to mention to the Meeting that the Council, in the
choice of the Society's servants, had borne in mind that mere experience
is but empiricism, and they had discovered that whoever could wash a
coach-wheel could water a rhinoceros; that an over-grown _Tiger_ was a
proper person to feed a Lion, and the offsprings of their _darlings_
were doubtless best qualified to fodder their _deers_. He congratulated
the Meeting, that while common show-men were confined by their
capabilities to merely exhibiting their animals alive, this collection
presented exclusively the additional advantage of a speedy opportunity
of dissection. He concluded by an announcement, for which he trusted
they would ever prove grateful, that his Majesty had granted to the
Society permission to appear at Court with long ears and a tail, and to
distinguish themselves by the appendage of any letters not exceeding
three to their names, but ending with an S. At this intimation the
delighted _Ear_-ers trotted away to give orders to their _tail_-ers, and
to search their dictionaries. They all returned _suit_-ed before they
got far into the alphabet.
The President then read an interesting letter from a member detailing
new facts in the history of the domestic cat (_felis communis_). The
writer's housekeeper had been making her annual brewing of elder wine,
which was left in the barrel, unstopped, _secundum artem_, to ferment.
Hearing an extraordinary noise in the cellar, she ventured to peep
through the key-hole, and to her consternation beheld about twenty
strange cats, assembled, apparently on the invitation of the
Tortoise-shell of the family. They were engaged in springing in
succession on the barrel, plunging their tails through the bung-hole
into the delicious liquid till saturated, and then sucking them dry. The
old lady distinctly heard her pet grimalkin say to a grave tabby
gentleman, who seemed tasting, with an air of connoisseurship, "How!
How!" to which he replied, in sounds which seemed to her very like "More
brandy." The worthy dame fell down in a swoon, and was found by some of
the servants in a state of insensibility, with an empty brandy bottle in
her hand, and she had only sufficiently recovered to narrate the above
remarkable occurrence. The letter was ordered to be published in their
Annual Report, and many other _tails_ of cats formed subjects of
conversation during the evening.
A learned member offered a shrewd conjecture that the common shrew was
the connecting link between quadrupeds and a certain variety of
woman-kind, and that the universal chain might again be traced from man
to the feathered race, through the medium of the human thief, especially
when he was a-robbin!
The secretary informed the society that in consequence of the
discoveries of the British Association, the giraffes had been lately fed
on lettuce leaves, which had so far imparted to their necks the
properties of caoutchouc, that they now possessed the capability of
indefinite extension. At this period of the proceedings one of the
animals stretched his neck from his stable to the council room, and as
the president was proceeding to offer some consolation on the head of
the dead lion, by descanting on the spur in his tail, put his face into
the midst of the company, and, for the first time in his life, cried
out, "Bah!" which had the effect of breaking up the assembly.
┌──────────────────────────────────────────────────────┬──────────────┐
│ NOVEMBER. │[Illustration]│
├──┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤
│ │The night comes on, when, braving civic law, │ │
│ │The little savage burns his man of straw; │ │
│ │Admires the hero as the crackers fly, │ │
│ │And _fires_, to emulate the glorious Guy. │ │
│ │With artless art he plans his victim's fall, │ │
│ │Some apple-woman dozing at her stall, │ │
│ │Who, waking, cries—half conscious of the fray— │ │
│ │"How very _odd_ my _pairs_ is blow'd away!" │ │
├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤
│D.│ =Great Events and Odd Matters.= │ _Prognosti- │
│ │ │ fications._ │
├──┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────┼──────────────┤
│ │ │ │
│ │ALL SAINTS. Duke of Cumberland, Lord Lyndhurst, │ │
│ 1│ Lord Melbourne, Crockford, Joseph Hume, Dan. │ duly │
│ │ O'Connell. │ │
│ │ │ │
│ 2│_First Day of Nervous epidemic among sundry idle │ concocted │
│ │ Term._ gents, │ │
│ │ who expect to be raised to the │ │
│ │ _Bench_, and │ │
│ 3│[Illustration] who are _pressed_ to "man the │ according │
│ │ _Fleet_." │ │
│ │ │ │
│ 4│ │ to art, │
│ │ │ │
│ 5│GUNPOWDER PLOT. Guy _Vaux_ blows up the House of │ ♀ ⚹ ♏ ☽ │
│ │ Lords. │ │
│ │ │ │
│ 6│ FIFTH OF NOVEMBER. │ │
│ │ │ to the │
│ 7│What a pity 'tis this glorious fun day │ │
│ │Should chance, this year, to fall on Sunday; │ fulfilment │
│ 8│And leave us thus without the hope │ │
│ │Of burning Guy Fawkes and the Pope; │ whereof │
│ 9│Balking the little blackguard boys │ │
│ │Of all their pretty, simple joys! │ │
│10│I'm sure 'twill grieve them very sadly, │ ☿ ♊ ☽ │
│ │And _other innocents_ as badly, │ │
│11│Whose pious hate to _warm_ and cherish, │ I, │
│ │The Pope, at all events, should perish; │ │
│12│For _fires_ have always been the test │ RIGDUM │
│ │For proving orthodoxy best. │ │
│13│But stay!—perhaps, on application, │ FUNNIDOS, │
│ │His Holiness a dispensation │ │
│14│May grant, and, merely for this _one_ day, │ do │
│ │Consent to burn with Guy on _Monday_. │ │
│15│ │ hereby │
│ │ │ │
│16│ │ pledge my │
│ │ │ │
│17│ │asstrological │
│ │ │ │
│18│ │ reputation, │
│ │ │ │
│19│ │ ♃ ⊕ ♒ ☉ │
│ │ │ │
│20│ │ _viz._ │
│ │ │ │
│21│ │ The doom │
│ │ │ │
│22│ │ of _Turkey_ │
│ │ │ │
│23│ │ may be │
│ │ │ │
│24│ │ looked for │
│ │ │ │
│25│ │ ♈ ☍ │
│ │ │ │
│26│First night of Tom and Jerry. _Larks_ in season. │ as fixed │
│ │ │ │
│27│ │ │
│ │ │ ☽ ♂ ♀ ♈ │
│28│ │ │
│ │ │ at │
│29│ │ │
│ │ │ ♓ ♑ │
│30│Insurrection of the _Poles_, 1830. Ladies at the │ Christmas! │
│ │ Treadmill refuse to have their hair cropped. │ │
└──┴───────────────────────────────────────────────────┴──────────────┘
[Illustration:
NOVEMBER.—S^t. Cecilia's Day.
]