I tried to rise, and I scream'd a scream,
The man at the gate came staggering in—
"To be sure I did, for I heard a din;
And your worship gave such a terrible snore,
While you laid on your back on the Guildhall floor,
That it woke you up from your _dream_!"
[Illustration:
Wine in a Ferment and Spirits in Hot Water.
]
[Illustration:
_APRIL._—Greenwich Park.
]
┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│1836] │ APRIL. │
├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ │Well, neighbour, what do the papers say │
│ │ About "The Wisdom collective?" │
│ │Oh! their Honours are busied by night and day │
│ │ With a list of The Lords elective: │
│ │For like old London Bridge, they declare, for years │
│ │They've been sadly obstructed by too many _peers_. │
├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤
│ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │
│ D│ Signs. │ │ │
├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤
│ 1│Sloshy │ │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 2│squashy │ "EASTER MONDAY." │ budding │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 3│are │ Can poet's quill, │ ♄ ♊ ♌ ☿ ⚹ │
│ │ │ Or painter's skill, │ │
│ 4│the │ Depict the joy │ │
│ │ │ Of 'Prentice Boy, │ ☉ ♊ │
│ 5│streets, │ On that bright fun day, │ │
│ │ │ EASTER MONDAY? │reputation, │
│ 6│sloppy │ │ │
│ │ │Can rhetorician or logician │ │
│ 7│droppy │Describe with aught that's like precision │ ☉ ♄ ♊ │
│ │ │The rapture that dilates his soul, │ │
│ 8│all │Now his own master, and beyond control? │ and │
│ │ │ His fancy soars aloft, like a │ │
│ │ │ sky-rocket! │ │
│ 9│one │ Where shall he go? │ not to put │
│ │ │ He doesn't know, │ │
│10│meets; │Although "the world's before him where to │ the same │
│ │ │ choose," │ │
│ │ │And he's got on a bran new pair of shoes, │ │
│11│Haber- │ And two bright shillings in his │ │
│ │ │ trousers' pocket. │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│12│dashers │ Perhaps he'll join the merry throng │ ♄ ♊ ☿ ♂ ⚹ │
│ │ │ Who love the dance and song; │ │
│13│mantua- │ Or, _drawn_ by ASTLEY'S _horses_, go, │ into │
│ │ │ And "struggling for the foremost row," │ │
│14│makers │ Enjoy the feats of fam'd Ducrow; │ jeopardy │
│ │ │ Or at the CIRCUS, as they us'd to call │ │
│ │ │ it, │ │
│15│look as │ Clamour and bawl it; │ by │
│ │ │ And, like a little savage, │ │
│16│grave as │ Shout "Bravo Davidge!" │ │
│ │ │Who, Richard-like, disdains to yield, │ ⚹ ♊ ☉ ♄ │
│17│under- │And "saddles _white Surrey_ for the │ │
│ │ │ field." │ │
│ │ │ Or else some fellow-'prentice tells │ any crude │
│18│takers, │ The joys he'd _quaff_ at Sadler's │ │
│ │ │ _Wells_. │ │
│ │ │ │ or hasty │
│19│for │While these temptations try to start him, │ │
│ │ │A sudden fancy comes athwart him,— │ │
│20│shopping │"Well, only think!—why, I declare, │ │
│ │ │I'd quite forgot there's GREENWICH FAIR! │ ☉ ♂ ☌ ☍ │
│21│ladies │And won't I have a precious lark │ │
│ │ │Down One-Tree Hill in Greenwich Park!" │ guesses or │
│22│forced │ │ │
│ │ │ │speculations│
│23│to │ │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│24│house │ │ │
│ │ │ │ ☉ ☿ ♂ │
│25│now │ │ │
│ │ │ │ thereupon, │
│26│stay │ │ │
│ │ │ │ as is the │
│27│at home │ │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│28│to │ │ ☉ ♂ ♃ ♄ ♊ │
│ │ │ │ │
│29│worry │ │ wont │
│ │ │ │ │
│30│spouse. │ │ of those │
└──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘
=Advertisements and Paragraphs Extraordinary.=
EXTRAORDINARY CIRCUMSTANCE.—Yesterday, a shabbily-dressed, half-genteel,
poetical-looking sort of man, suddenly fell down in one of the
gin-palaces in St. Giles's; after having, as it was supposed, put an end
to his existence, by swallowing a quartern of _Deady's_ Best. On taking
him, however, to the Station House, and administering large doses of
cold water (to which his stomach manifested a particular antipathy by
repeatedly serving it with an ejectment), he was sufficiently recovered
to give some account of himself; but the following lines, written on the
back of a dirty tobacco paper, found in his pocket, will sufficiently
explain the cause of the rash act. It will be seen that he was a man of
_letters_, tho' (judging from his reservedness) of very few _words_.
_To Robert Short, Esq. M.P._
DEAR BOB,—I know that U'll XQQQ
The wailings of a mournful MUUU.
While U, my friend, are at your EEE,
My creditors I can't apPPP:
I'm CD,—drooping to DK,
With not a sous my debts to pay.
So lean a wight you ne'er did C,—
I look just like an F-I-G.
My purse is MT, it is true;
But don't suppose I NV you:
I O U nothing but good-will,
And that I mean 2 O U still.
But if my motive U'd descry
For writing this, I'll tell U Y:
B 4 'tis long, I hope for peace;
And when U hear of my DCCC,
I beg, to show your love for me,
U'll write your Poet's L-E-G.
I'm sure that U'll indite it well,
For in such matters you XL.
Say, "E was once a R T fellow,
"But all his 'green leaves soon turn'd yellow,'
"He didn't mind his PPP and QQQ,
"But Plutus left, to woo the MUUU:
"And tho' he courted all the IX,
"He found them far too poor to dine;
"Nay, more, the very Graces III
"Could scarce afford a cup of T.
"So here he lies, for want of pelf,
"Who'd but one NME,—himself."
AN EXTRAORDINARY TURNIP, of the Dwarf species, was lately dug out of a
field on the estate of Major Longbow, who caused the inside to be
scooped out, and gave a grand entertainment therein to a party of 250
persons.—_American Paper._
FALLS OF NIAGARA.—Congress has passed a resolution that a premium should
be offered for a machine by which the Falls of Niagara might be rendered
portable, to afford those persons who live at a distance the opportunity
of viewing them at their own houses.—_American Paper._
[Illustration:
_MAY_.—"Old May Day"
]
┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│1836.] │ MAY. │
├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ │The depth of "A Winter in London," I sing:— │
│ │ For thus do the rulers of fashion declare— │
│ │That _Spring Garden_ shall yield all they know of the │
│ │ _spring_, │
│ │ And the charms of _fair May_ be supplied in _May │
│ │ Fair_. │
├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤
│M │ Season's │ "=Old May Day.=" │ WEATHER. │
│D │ Signs. │ │ │
├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤
│ 1│Ah! well- │ BY A NONAGENARIAN. │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 2│a-day! │ When I was young and in my prime, │ who │
│ │ │ Then ev'rything look'd gay; │ │
│ 3│alack! │ And nothing was so merry as │ ☌ ♓ ♑ ♌ │
│ │ │ The merry FIRST OF MAY: │ │
│ 4│alas! │ Kind Nature, who doth ever smile, │ in place │
│ │ │ Seem'd then to smile the more; │ │
│ 5│that │ And ev'ry Spring that time did bring│ of │
│ │ │ Seem'd greener than before. │ │
│ 6│such a │ The birds they sang so jocundly,— │ │
│ │ │ They fill'd the air around, │ │
│ 7│thing │ And human hearts as jocundly │ ☿ ♊ ☽ │
│ │ │ Responded to the sound. │ │
│ 8│should │ I recollect the lovely scene │ consulting │
│ │ │ As though I saw it still:— │ │
│ 9│come │ The mansion of a noble race │ the stars │
│ │ │ Was seated on a hill; │ │
│10│to pass! │ And smilingly it seem'd to look │ │
│ │ │ Upon the plain below, │ │
│11│but on │ Where groups of happy villagers │ ♎ ♐ ☍ ♋ ♉ │
│ │ │ Were sporting to and fro. │ │
│12│my word, │ The May-pole in the centre plac'd, │according to│
│ │ │ All deck'd with garlands gay. │ │
│13│I feel │ While lads and lasses danc'd around,│ art, │
│ │ │ And footed it away. │ │
│14│suspi- │ The ruddy hostess of the inn, │ │
│ │ │ Which stood within the vale, │ │
│15│cious, │ Supplied the thirsty revellers │ ♃ ⊕ ♒ ☉ │
│ │ │ With draughts of nut-brown ale; │ │
│16│unless │ While pleas'd, the neighb'ring │ │
│ │ │ gentry stood, │ │
│ │ │ And view'd the cheerful scene, │thrust forth│
│17│the stars │ Or laid aside their rank to join │ │
│ │ │ The sports upon the green. │ │
│18│prove │ │ ♓ ♑ │
│ │ │ Ah! those were times that memory │ │
│19│more │ Is happy to retrace, │ their │
│ │ │ But chang'd, alas! and sad are those│ │
│20│propi- │ Which now supply their place. │ own bald │
│ │ │ An honest healthy peasantry │ │
│21│tious, │ Then shar'd the farmer's board, │ and │
│ │ │ Who'd shrink from parish pauper pay,│ │
│22│that │ As from a thing abhorr'd; │ conceited │
│ │ │ The sons of "Merry England" now │ │
│23│I shall │ Are chang'd to Mammon's slaves, │ │
│ │ │ And "peep about to find themselves │ │
│24│nothing │ Dishonourable graves." │ ☽ ♂ ♀ │
│ │ │ The "labourer," no longer "reckon'd │ │
│25│have │ Worthy of his hire," │ │
│ │ │ No more partakes the farmer's board,│suppositions│
│26│to say │ Nor warms him at his fire— │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│27│about │ * * * * * │ ♈ ♀ ⚹ ♏ ☽ │
│ │ │ │ │
│28│this │ (RIGDUM FUNNIDOS _interrupteth_:) │ │
│ │ │ │ For these │
│29│famous │Stop, stop, old friend! I prithee, cease │ │
│ │ │ this prosing. │ │
│ │ │Egad! you'll set my gentle readers dozing.│ and other │
│30│month │The TIMES are bad, I own, and sad's the │ │
│ │ │ _change_; │ │
│ │ │But, surely, that is not so wondrous │ weighty │
│ │ │ strange; │ │
│31│of May! │And if it were, this is no place to joke │ │
│ │ │ in. │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ │ │ NONAGENARIAN: │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ │ │Enough, good RIGDUM!—I'll give over │ │
│ │ │ croaking. │ │
└──┴──────────┴──────────────────────────────────────────┴────────────┘