Being clearly convinced, from a proper use of my reasoning
faculties, that it is perfectly consistent with probability and good
sense to believe that one medicine, made of I don't know what, by I
don't know who, is certain to cure every disorder, and is equally
efficacious in all ages and constitutions, from the infant of a week
old, to the old man of eighty; and being, moreover, equally well
convinced that it is quite unreasonable to place any sort of trust
or dependence on the prescriptions of men of scientific education,
who have merely devoted their whole lives to the medical
profession;—and, further, being struck with the astounding fact, and
exceeding likelihood, that an universal panacea could only be
reserved for those who are quite innocent of all medical knowledge,
and whose perfect disinterestedness is manifested by their being
contented with the trifling remuneration derived from the credulity
of the British public;—I say, Sir, for all these reasons I have
become a zealous advocate of the Hy-gee-wo-ian medicines.
Having been appointed your agent, and, therefore, influenced, like
yourself, by the most disinterested motives, I make it a point to
recommend them on all occasions, and always in sufficiently large
doses, on which I observe you lay peculiar stress; and very justly:
for does it not follow, as a matter of course, that if six pills do
a certain quantity of good, six thousand must, as a natural
consequence, do six thousand times as much more good, and the
patient must be six thousand times the better for them? There are
some censorious folks who insinuate that the more pills I sell the
more money I get by them; but I need not assure you that, in this
respect, my motives are quite as disinterested as your own.
Yours ever to command,
FRANCIS FLEECE'EM.
_P.S._—Please to send me a dozen wagon loads of No. 1 Pills, and the
same of No. 2 Pills, as early as possible. I hand you the following
cases, which have come under my own knowledge:—
* * * * *
_To the Haygent for the Morising Pils._