MATRIMONY.—A highly respectable Gentleman, who has, for many years,
distinguished himself as an important Public Functionary, is desirous of
_haltering_ his condition, and tying the _knot_ of wedlock with a Lady
of congenial sentiments. Having, himself, a very tender disposition, he
stipulates for the same on the part of the object of his attachment; and
as he is partial to _good spirits_, he hopes she will always have a
stock. She must be duly impressed with a regard for the dignity of her
husband's station, and must never associate with her inferiors, and
whatever _pledges_ she makes, she must be careful to _redeem_. The
Advertiser is not very particular as to personal attractions; and with
regard to money, he has seen so many people in a state of _dependence_,
that he merely trusts she will come provided against such an unpleasant
contingency. On these conditions, which are the _gaol_ of his wishes, he
will give the fair object of his affections her _full swing_, and be
perfectly _resigned to his fate_. He anxiously looks for a _line_,
addressed "JOHN KETCH, Esq., opposite the Debtors' Door, Old Bailey."
N.B. The _Schoolmaster in Newgate_, who drew up the above advertisement,
for his respected friend, Mr. Ketch, takes this opportunity of
contradicting a report, which has been current for some time past,—that
the Schoolmaster is _abroad_, which is quite _foreign_ from the fact.
Arrangements were certainly made to that effect, which, had they been
carried into execution, he would have been quite _transported_; but he
regrets to state, that he is under the necessity of remaining at his old
abode, the large stone house in the Old Bailey.
[Illustration:
FEBRUARY.
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┌─────────────┬───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│1835.] │ FEBRUARY. │
├─────────────┼───────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│ │Birds, this month, do bill and coo; │
│ │Do the like, and you may rue. │
│ │Courting is a pretty pleasure; │
│ │Wed in haste, repent at leisure. │
│ │ * * * * * * │
│ │To hen-peck'd husbands what a feast! │
│ │This month, all women talk the least. │
├──┬──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┬────────────┤
│ M│ Season's │ =Odd Matters.= │ WEATHER. │
│ D│ Signs. │ │ │
├──┼──────────┼──────────────────────────────────────────┼────────────┤
│ 1│mizzle │ │ │
│ │ │ │ Rain or │
│ │ │ │ hail, │
│ 2│drizzle │ VALENTINE'S DAY. │ │
│ │ │ │ ☽ ☍ │
│ 3│frizzle │I can't make out what they're about, │ │
│ │ │ Nor how the men incline; │ snow or │
│ │ │ │ sleet │
│ 4│raw │I've watch'd each knock, since nine │ │
│ │ │ To get a Valentine. │ ☉ ♊ ♓ ♓ │
│ 5│thaw │ │ │
│ │ │In vain I've tried on every side, │ in │
│ 6│hearts │ Some happy chance to see, │ │
│ │ │For, ah, alas! there came to pass │ this month │
│ 7│darts │ No Valentine for me. │ │
│ │ │ │ │
│ 8│smarts │From morn till night I've scream'd "The │ ☌ ♈ ♒ ♄ ⚹ │
│ │ │ light │ │
│ │ │ Guitar," above a week. │ │
│ 9│loves │"Bid me discourse, has made me hoarse, │ you're │
│ │ │ Till I can scarcely speak. │ │
│10│doves │ │ sure to │
│ │ │ │ meet. │
│ │ │Through rain and snow I always go │ │
│11│gloves │ To Tuesday evening lecture, │ │
│ │ │Yet snow and rain don't bring a swain; │ ♀ ♂ ☿ │
│12│willing │ And why, I can't conjecture. │ │
│ │ │ │If you don't│
│13│billing │In short, to find a lover kind, │ │
│ │ │ I've us'd all honest ways, │ ♊ ☌ ⊕ ♓ │
│14│wooing │I've pinch'd my toes, and no one knows │ │
│ │ │ How tight I've lac'd my stays. │ why then │
│15│cooing │ │ │
│ │ │Three times to-day, across the way, │ you won't: │
│16│eyes │ The postman has been seen— │ │
│ │ │And this makes four—at Jones's door │ │
│17│sighs │ One! two! "For Betty Green." │ ☊ ♅ ♑ ♎ ⚹ │
│ │ │ │ │
│18│mate │Well! on my word, old Major Bird │ Perhaps │
│ │ │ Stands making signs, I think,— │ │
│19│fate │(If Betty dares to set her snares,—) │there won't │
│ │ │ I'm sure I saw him wink. │ │
│20│love │ │ be one │
│ │ │I vow I'll call, and tell it all; │ │
│21│cold │ They'll give her instant warning; │ │
│ │ │And, but the river makes one shiver, │ ♃ ☉ ♐ ♋ ♉ │
│22│scratch │ I'd drown to-morrow morning. │ │
│ │ │ │nor t'other:│
│23│scold │ │ │
│ │ │ │ ☍ ☿ │
│24│fight │ │ │
│ │ │ │ Why then │
│25│bite │ │ │
│ │ │ │ 'twill │
│ │ │ │ happen │
│26│spite │ │ │
│ │ │ │ ♊ ☿ ⚹ │
│27│mope │ │ │
│ │ │ │ in │
│28│rope │ │some other. │
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