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PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
VOL. 62.
JANUARY 6TH, 1872.
[Illustration: PUNCH
VOL LXII.]
LONDON:
PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE, 85, FLEET STREET,
AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS.
1872.
LONDON:
BRADBURY, EVANS, AND CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.
[Illustration: PREFACE]
"GENTLEMEN ARBITRATORS, I salute you in the concrete," said MR. PUNCH,
walking up to the table of the Hall of Congress at Geneva. "I also
salute you specially. COUNT SCLOPIS, _una voce poco fa_; M. STAEMPFLI,
my Merry Swiss Boy, _point d'argent, point de Suisse_; BARON ITAJUBA, I
hope your _sangre azul_ is cool this hot weather."
"Really, MR. PUNCH," said the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE COCKBURN----
"And really, my dear SIR ALEXANDER," was MR. PUNCH's lightning-like
repartee. "How are you? and DAVIS, my BANCROFT, how are you? Have you
seen MRS. BANCROFT in _Caste_? Capital, isn't she? And now to business,
and after that we'll go for a row on the Lake, my Allobroges. Know they
settled here, DAVIS?"
"I know several things," said MR. DAVIS, "and one is that you have no
business in this chamber."
"_Rem acu tetigisti_, my Occidental. My visit is strictly on pleasure.
And I reckon to have the pleasure of sticking these here Negotiations in
a greased groove before I quit."
"Porter!" exclaimed the COUNT SCLOPIS, angrily.
"Not a drop, I thank you," said MR. PUNCH, smiling. "We should not get
it good here. A bottle of Seltzer, if you please, with a slight dash of
the liquid named after yonder lake, but unsweetened."
His exquisite good-temper--he associates with GRANVILLE and
DISRAELI--was too much for the dignitaries. They all shook hands with
him, said he was welcome, and begged that he would go away until
dinner-time.
"Not a bit of it, my Beamish Boys," said MR. PUNCH. "I am going to earn
that dinner."
"But, dear MR. PUNCH," pleaded MR. DAVIS, "we can't admit another
British Representative, especially so omnipotent a one as yourself."
"You are polite, and I'm cosmopolite, my dear DAVIS. _Non ubi nascor,
sed ubi pascor_, and being asked to an international repast I shall
behave internationally."
"You will have to let him speak," laughed BARON ITAJUBA.
"You open your mouth to drop Brazilian diamonds, my Baron."
"_He'd better remain, for I don't think he'll go_," gaily carolled the
Chief Justice, with a reminiscence of a burlesque written at a time when
burlesques were comic.
"_Take your brief, and belabour away_," sang the Merry Swiss Boy.
"Come, MR. PUNCH," said the Count, "you and I have a common Italian
ancestry. Do us credit."
"_Con rispetto parlando_, Count, you ought not to doubt that I shall.
Arbitrators! Have you all read RABELAIS?"
"There's a question!" shouted Everybody, indignantly. "Have five great
nations sent clowns to represent them?"
"I will soon see about that," said MR. PUNCH. "When the good PANTAGRUEL
was asked to decide a most tangled, knotty, and vast law-suit, over
which a hundred lawyers had wrangled and fattened for years, what was
his first order? Nay, answer me not in words, but let me take my cooling
draught, and see whether you know RABELAIS."
As with one impulse all sprang up, delight in each face. Secretaries and
porters were summoned, and every scrap of paper, from the smallest Note
to the most gigantic Case was removed into the court-yard. In five
minutes all the painted glass in the windows was richly illuminated, and
the flames roared like Vesuvius.
"In these circumstances," said MR. PUNCH, "and as thinking of the
'frozen Caucasus' will not enable one to bear roasting, M. the Count,
you might order me some ice."
"Icebergs to MR. PUNCH till further notice," said the magnificent
Italian, in a style worthy of COSMO himself.
"You _have_ studied RABELAIS," said MR. PUNCH, when the fire had
subsided, "and I am sure that you will continue to be guided by his
wisdom. Do you accept my sentence, in this Anglo-American business, as
final. No 'understandings,' mind. Swear it, with good mouth-filling
oaths."
They all sent out fervent voices, but MR. DAVIS (who has had the
advantage of knowing MR. GREELEY) discharged a kuss so terrific that it
tore all the other sounds to tatters.
"Hear, and record the oath, immoral Gods!" exclaimed MR. PUNCH, in a
manner like that of JOHN KEMBLE, only superior in impressiveness. "And
now I shall give you a judgment like that of the good PANTAGRUEL.
Stenographers!"
Then said PANTAGRUEL-PUNCH, "and the pauses amid his speech were more
awful than the sound:"
"=Not= having read one word of the cackle just combusted, and knowing
and caring nothing about the matter in question, I hereby give sentence
that England shall pay to America, on the first of April last, nineteen
thousand bottles of hay with a needle in each. Shall, on the very first
Sunday in the middle of the week, further pay to America eleven millions
of pigs in pokes; and finally, and without fail, Shall, in the next
Greek Kalends, remit to Washington two billions of bottles of smoke, and
one thousand casks of the best pickled Australian moonshine, deodorised
and aerated.
"=But= seeing that America, in her turn, has reparation to make, I
hereby give sentence that she shall send to England, on the day of the
election of the first Coloured President, twelve thousand barrels of the
best pearl-oysters, the pearls to be set with emeralds and rubies.
Shall, on the day of celebration of the utter and entire extinction of
Bunkum, further pay to England eighty thousand barrels of Columbian
Hail, and as many Birds o' Freedom, potted with truffles; and lastly,
Shall, on the recognition of the Independence of Mormonism, remit to
London a hundred boxes of the letters of which the United States have
robbed the Queen's English; a thousand of the ropes which ought to have
been used in accelerating the quietude of Fenianism, and finally, and
without fail, shall pay 30 per cent. on the profits of 'annexed' English
literature.
"=And= this I give for final judgment and decree indissoluble."
Everybody remained wrapt, in speechless admiration at the ineffable
wisdom of PANTAGRUEL-PUNCH, who had thus SETTLED THE AMERICAN QUESTION.
But what a shout went up to the Empyrean when he gently added:--
"To enable you to interpret this sentence aright, I present you with my
"=Sixty-Second Volume.="
[Illustration]
[Illustration: EUROPE. ASIA. PUNCH AFRICA. AMERICA.
VOL. 62]
OUR QUEEN TO HER PEOPLE.
WE open our New Volume with a record that will become historical. No
more acceptable Christmas gift could have been bestowed upon a loyal and
affectionate people than that which QUEEN VICTORIA has been pleased to
present. It is the simple, warm, graceful expression of a Mother's "deep
sense of the touching sympathy of the whole Nation on the occasion of
the alarming illness of her dear son, the PRINCE OF WALES." Thus writes
our Sovereign, dating, happily, from Windsor Castle:--
"The universal feeling shown by her people during those painful,
terrible days, and the sympathy evinced by them with herself and
her beloved daughter, the PRINCESS OF WALES, as well as the
general joy at the improvement in the PRINCE OF WALES'S state,
have made a deep and lasting impression on her heart which can
never be effaced. It was, indeed, nothing new to her, for the
QUEEN had met with the same sympathy when just ten years ago a
similar illness removed from her side the mainstay of her life,
the best, wisest, and kindest of husbands.
"The QUEEN wishes to express at the same time, on the part of
the PRINCESS OF WALES, her feelings of heartfelt gratitude, for
she has been as deeply touched as the QUEEN by the great and
universal manifestation of loyalty and sympathy.
"The QUEEN cannot conclude without expressing her hope that her
faithful subjects will continue their prayers to God for the
complete recovery of her dear son to health and strength."
"What can he do that cometh after the King?" is the language of the
Book. He who cometh after the QUEEN will vainly seek to write worthy
comment on these words. But comment will be supplied by all the hearts
that are rejoicing in the happiness of a Mother and of a Wife, and in
the deliverance of a Nation from a great sorrow.
* * * * *
The Festive Bored.
IN olden time the boar's head was a common Christmas adjunct to the
board. The custom, it appears, has not entirely yet died out. If one
believes one's eyes and ears, one can hardly ever join a family
Christmas party, without finding at least one, if not more than one,
bore's head there.
* * * * *