where (from his long and successful experience) he trusts to be honoured
by the confidence of the single, and the generous acknowledgments of the
married.
Lord J.R. intends to transact business upon the most liberal scale, and
instead of charging a per centage on the amount of property concerned in
each union, he will take every lady and gentleman's valuation of
themselves, and consider one thousandth part thereof as an adequate
compensation for his services.
Ladies who have _lost_ the registries of their birth can be supplied with
new ones, for any year they please, and the greatest care will be taken to
make them accord with the early recollections of the lady's schoolfellows
and cousins of the same age.
Gentlemen who wear wigs, false calves, or artificial teeth, or use
hair-dye, &c., will be required to state the same, as no deception can be
countenanced by Lord J.R.
Ladies are only required to certify as to the originality of their teeth;
and as Lady Russell will attend exclusively to this department, no
disclosure will take place until all other preliminaries are satisfactorily
arranged.
Young gentlemen with large mustachios and small incomes will find the
MATRIMONIAL AGENCY OFFICE well worthy their attention; and young ladies who
play the piano, speak French, and measure only eighteen inches round the
waist, cannot better consult their own interests than by making an early
application.
N.B. None with red hair need apply, unless with a mother's certificate that
it was always considered to be auburn.
Wanted several buxom widows for the commencement. If in weeds, will be
preferred.
* * * * *
"MATTERS IN FACT," AND "MATTERS IN LAW."
"Law is the perfection of reason!" said, some sixty years ago, an old
powder-wigged priest of Themis, in his "enthusymusy" for the venerable
lady; and what one of her learned adorers, from handsome Jock Campbell down
to plain Counsellor Dunn, would dare question the maxim? A generous soul,
who, like the fabled lady of the Arabian tale, drops gold at every word she
utters, varying in value from one guinea to five thousand, according to the
quality of the hand that is stretched forth to receive it, cannot possibly
be other than reason herself. But to appreciate this dear creature justly,
it is absolutely necessary to be in her service. No ordinary lay person can
judge her according to her deserts. You must be initiated into her
mysteries before you can detect her beauties; but once admitted to her
august presence--once enrolled as her sworn slave--your eyes become opened
and clear, and you see her as she is, the marvel of the world. Yet, though
so difficult of comprehension, no man, nor woman, nor child, must plead
ignorance of her excellencies. To be ignorant of any one of them is an
impossibility as palpable as that "the Queen can do no wrong," or any other
admirable fiction which the genius of our ancestors has bequeathed us. We
all must know the law, or be continually whipped! A hard rule, though an
inflexible one. But the schoolmaster is abroad--PUNCH, that teaches all,
must teach the law; and, as a preliminary indispensable, he now proceeds to
give a few definitions of the principal matters contained in that science,
which bear a different meaning from what they would in ordinary language.
The admiring neophyte will perceive with delight the vast superiority
apparent in all cases of "matters of law," or "matters of fact."
To illustrate:--When a lovely girl, all warmth and confidence, steals on
tiptoe from her lonely chamber, and, lighted by the moon, when "pa's"
asleep, drops from the balcony into the arms of some soft youth, as warm as
she, who has been waiting to whisk her off to Hymen's altar--that is
generally understood as
[Illustration: AN ATTACHMENT IN FACT.]
When an ugly "bum," well up to trap, creeps like a rascal from the
sheriff's-office, and with his _capias_ armed, ere you are half-dressed,
gives you the chase, and, as you "leg" away for the bare life, his knuckles
dig into the seat of your unmentionables, gripping you like a tiger--that
indeed is _une autre chose_, that is
[Illustration: AN ATTACHMENT IN LAW.]
When you remark a round, rosy, jolly fellow, shining from top to toe,
"philandering" down Regent-street, with a self-satisfied grin, that seems
to say, "Match me that, demme!" and casting looks of pity--mellowed through
his eye-glass--on all passers, you may fairly conclude that that happy dog
has just slipped into
[Illustration: A BOND-STREET SUIT.]
But when you perceive a gaunt, yellow spectre of a man, reduced to his last
_chemise_, and that a sad spectacle of ancient purity, starting from
Lincoln's-Inn, and making all haste for Waterloo-bridge, the inference is
rather natural, that he is blessed with
[Illustration: A SUIT IN CHANCERY.]
It being dangerous to take too great a meal at a time, and PUNCH knowing
well the difficulty of digesting properly over-large quantities of mental
food, he concludes his first lecture on L--A--W. Whether he will continue
here his definitions of legal terms, or not, time and his humour shall
determine.
* * * * *