_The Doctor and his Man are discovered in a large waggon, surrounded by a
crowd of people._
RHUBARB PILL.--Balaam, blow the trumpet.
BALAAM (_blows_).--Too-too-tooit! Silence for the doctor!
RHUBARB PILL.--Now, friends and neighbours, now's your time for getting rid
of all your complaints, whether of the pocket or the person, for I, Rhubarb
Pill, professor of sophistry and doctorer of laws, have now come amongst
you with my old and infallible remedies and restoratives, which, although
they have not already worked wonders, I promise shall do so, and render the
constitution sound and vigorous, however it may have been injured by
poor-law-bill-ious pills, cheap bread, and _black_ sugar, prescribed by
wooden-headed quacks. (_Aside_.) Balaam, blow the trumpet.
BALAAM (_blows_).--Too-too-tooit! Hurrah for the doctor!
RHUBARB PILL.--These infallible remedies have been in my possession since
the years 1835 and 1837, but owing to the opposition of the Cabinet of
Physicians, I have not been able to use them for the benefit of the
public--and myself. (_Bows_.) These invaluable remedies--
COUNTRYMAN.--What be they?
RHUBARB PILL.--That's not a fair question--_wait till I'm regularly called
in_[1]. It's not that I care about the fee--mine is a liberal profession,
and though I have a large family, and as many relations as most people, I
really think I should refuse a guinea if it was offered to me.
[1] Sir Robert Peel at Tamworth.
COUNTRYMAN.--Then why doant'ee tell us?
RHUBARB PILL.--It's not professional. Besides, it's quite requisite that I
should "_feel the patient's pulse_," or I might make the dose too powerful,
and so--
COUNTRYMAN.--Get the sack, Mr. Doctor.
RHUBARB PILL (_aside_).--Blow the trumpet, Balaam.
BALAAM.--Too-too-tooit--tooit-too-too!
RHUBARB PILL.--And so do more harm than good. Besides, I should require to
have the "_necessary consultations_" over the dinner-table. Diet does a
great deal--not that I care about the "loaves and fishes"--but patients are
always more tractable after a good dinner. Now there's an old lady in these
parts--
COUNTRYMAN.--What, my old missus?
RHUBARB PILL.--The same. She's in a desperate way.
COUNTRYMAN.--Ees. Dr. Russell says it's all owing to your nasty nosdrums.
RHUBARB PILL.--Doctor Russell's a--never mind. I say she _is_ very bad, and
I AM the only man that can cure her.
COUNTRYMAN--Then out wi'it, doctor--what will?