(_A Story in Scenes._)
SCENE XI.--_At the entrance to The Eldorado Music-hall._
TIME--_Saturday evening, about_ 8.30. Mrs. TOOVEY, _who has just
alighted from a Waterloo bus, approaches; she wears a veil, under
which her spectacles gleam balefully, and passes the various boards
and coloured posters with averted eyes_.
_Mrs. Toovey_ (_to herself_). I'm late--I ought to have taken a cab,
instead of that dawdling bus. Still, I shall be in plenty of time to
surprise Pa in the very midst of his profligacy. (_She looks
around her._) Gilding, rosewood and mahogany panels, plush, stained
glass--oh, the wicked luxury of it all! (_She pushes open a swing
door._) Where is the place you call Box C? I--I have to meet somebody
there.
[_She finds herself in a glittering bar, where she produces a
distinct sensation among a few loungers there._
_A Barmaid_ (_tartly_). There's no entrance to the music-hall this
way. You've come to the wrong place.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_with equal acidity_). Ah, young woman, you need not
tell me _that_! (_She goes out with a withering glance, and hears
stifled sniggers as the doors swing after her._) A drinking-bar on the
very threshold to trap the unwary--disgraceful! (_She tries the next
door, and finds a stalwart official, in a fancy uniform._) Will you
have the goodness to conduct me to Box C, instantly?
_The Official._ Next door, please, Ma'am. This only admits to the
Grand Lounge.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). The "Grand Lounge," indeed! (_She opens
another door, and finds a Pay-box, where she addresses the check-taker
through the pigeon-hole_.) I want to go to Box C. I've asked for it at
I don't know how many places, and----
_Checktaker_ (_politely_). I'm really afraid you'll have to ask again,
Ma'am. This is the Promenade. Box-office _next_ entrance.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself, indignantly_). I only hope they make it as
difficult for other people to get in as they do for me! So Pa comes
here to lounge and promenade, does he? Oh, let me only catch him, I'll
send him promenading! (_She goes to the Box-office._) I want Box C,
wherever that is.
_Book-Keeper._ Can give you Box D, if you like. Box C is reserved for
this evening.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_sharply_). I am quite aware of that. For Mr. THEOPHILUS
TOOVEY. I have come to join him here.
_Book-K._ (_referring to book_). It is entered in that name,
certainly; but--hem--may I ask if you belong to Mr. TOOVEY'S party?
_Mrs. Toov._ (_crushingly_). No doubt you consider that his wife has
no claim to---- Most certainly I belong to his party.
_Book-K._ That is quite sufficient, Madam. (_To_ Attendant.) Show this
lady to Box C. (_To himself, as_ Mrs. T. _follows the_ Attendant _up
some velvet-covered stairs_.) Well, it's no business of mine; but if
Mr. TOOVEY, whoever _he_ is, isn't careful what he's about, he may be
sorry for it--that's all!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). They never even asked for my ticket.
Pa's evidently well known here! (_To_ Attendant.) A programme? with
pictures of dancing girls all over it! You ought to be ashamed to
offer such things to a respectable woman!
_Att._ (_surprised_). I've never heard them objected to before, Ma'am.
Can I bring you any refreshments? (_Persuasively._) Bottle-ale or
stout? Lemonade and brandy? Whisky and soda?
_Mrs. Toov._ Don't imagine you can tempt _me_, man. I've been a total
abstainer ever since I was five!
_Att._ (_opening box-door_). Indeed, Ma'am. I suppose now you 'aven't
mistook this for Exeter 'All?--because it _ain't_!
_Mrs. Toov._ I am in no danger of making _that_ mistake! (_She enters
the box._) I am here before Pa after all. What a gaudy, wicked,
glaring place to be sure! Ugh, this _filthy_ tobacco; it chokes me,
and I can scarcely see across the hall. Not that I _want_ to see.
Well, if I sit in the corner behind the curtain I shan't be seen
myself. To think that I--_I_--should be here at all, but the
responsibility is on Pa's head, not mine! What are those two girls
singing about on the stage? They are dressed _decently_ enough, I'll
say _that_ for them, though pinafores and baby bonnets at _their_ age
are ridiculous.
[_She listens._
_The Sisters Sarcenet_ (_on stage_).
You men are deceivers and awfully sly. Oh, you _are_!
_Male portion of audience_ (_as is expected from them_).
No we _aren't!_
_The Sisters S._ (_archly_). Now you _know_ you are!
You come home with the milk; should your poor wife ask why,
"Pressing business, my pet!" you serenely reply.
When you've really been out on the "Tiddle-y-hi!" Yes, you _have_!
_Male audience_ (_as before_). No, we've _not_!
_The Sister S._ (_with the air of accusing angels_).
Why, you _know_ you have!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to herself_). It's to those young women's credit that
they have the courage to come here and denounce the men to their
faces--like this. And it's gone _home_ to them, too! they're shouting
out "Over!" (_Here the Sisters suddenly turn a couple of "cart-wheels"
with surprising unanimity, amidst roars of applause._) Oh, the
shameless minxes! I will _not_ sit and look on at such scandalous
exhibitions. (_She moves to the corner nearest the stage, and turns
her back upon the proceedings._) How much longer will Pa compel me to
assist at such scenes, I wonder? _Why_ doesn't he come? Where is he
now? (_Bitterly._) No doubt on what those vulgar wretches would call
the "Tiddle-y-hi!" (_The_ Brothers BIMBO, _Eccentric Clowns, appear on
the stage_.) I can't sit here in a corner looking at nothing. If I do
see anything improper, THEOPHILUS shall answer for it. (_She changes
her place again._) Acrobats--well, they're inoffensive at least. Oh, I
do believe one of the nasty things is climbing up to the balcony; he's
going to walk along here!
_First Brother Bimbo_ (_on stage, to his confrere, who is balancing
himself on the broad ledge of the box tier_). Ohe--'old up, there.
Prenny garde! Ah, il tombera! There, I _told_ yer so! (_The_ Second
Brother B. _has reached the front of_ Mrs. TOOVEY'S _box, where he
pretends to stumble_.) Oh, le pover garcong, look at 'im _now_! Come
back, do! Ask the lady to ketch 'old of your trousers be'ind!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_to the_ Second Brother, _firmly_). Don't expect me to
do anything of the sort. Go back, as your brother asks you to, you
silly fellow. You shouldn't attempt such a foolhardy thing at all!
_Second Br. B._ (_to the_ First). Oh, my! There's _such_ a nice young
lady in here; she's asking me to come in and set along with her! _May_
I?
[_He lets himself drop astride the ledge, and wags his head
at_ Mrs. TOOVEY, _to her intense horror_.
_Mrs. Toov._ (_in an audible undertone_). If you don't take away that
leg at once, I'll pinch it!
_Second Br. B._ Eh? Not _now_; my brother says I mustn't. "Come round
afterwards?" Well, well, we'll see! (_He springs up on the ledge
again, and kisses his hand to her._) Goo'bye, ducky! 'Ave no fears for
_me_. Whoo-up!
[Illustration: "Goo'bye, ducky! Ave no fears for _me_!"]
[_He continues his tour of the balcony, amidst roars of
laughter._
_Mrs. Toov._ (_falling back in the box, speechless with fury_). And
_this_ is the treatment Pa exposes me to--all those unmanly wretches
laughing at me! But I don't care; here I stay till Pa comes. _Oh_,
this smoke; I shall be poisoned by it soon! Upon my word, there's
a bold hussy coming on to sing, in a man's coat and black satin
knee-breeches. I'll stop my ears; they shall see there's _one_
woman here who respects herself! (_She does so, during that and the
subsequent performances; an hour passes._) How much longer am I to be
compelled to remain here? This is terrible; three creatures in tight
red suits, got up to look like devils! I wonder they've no fear of
being struck dead on the stage! They're standing on each other's
stomachs. I daren't look on at such blasphemy! I'll take off my
spectacles; then, at least, my eyes won't be offended by seeing
anything distinctly! (_She removes her glasses, and replaces them in
their case, which she lays on the box-ledge._) They're gone, thank
goodness. What's this? There's someone opening the box-door. Pa--at
last! Well, I'm ready for him!
[_She stiffens in her chair._
_Attendant's Voice_ (_outside_). This is Box C, Miss. Can I bring you
any refreshments? Bottle-ale, stout, lemonade, Miss?
_A Female Voice._ I--I don't know. There's a gentleman with me; he'll
be here directly; he only stopped to speak to somebody. Ah, he's
coming now.
_Mrs. Toov._ "Miss"?! This is Pa's party, then. _Oh!!_
[_A quietly dressed, and decidedly good-looking girl enters,
and starts on seeing that the box is already occupied._
_Mrs. Toov._ (_rising in towering wrath_). You were not expecting to
find _me_ here, Miss, I've no doubt?
_The Girl_ (_sitting down_). No; PHIL didn't say there would be anyone
else; but any friend of his I'm sure----
_Mrs. Toov._ PHIL? you dare to call him "PHIL!" Do you know who I am,
you insolent girl, you? I am his Wife!
_The Girl._ His wife? I don't believe it. Are you sure you don't mean
his mother. My _Phil_ married to _you_, indeed--a pretty story!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_trembling with rage_). Go out of this box instantly, or
I'll make you!
_The Girl._ I shall do nothing of the kind. Wait till my friend comes,
and we'll soon----(_As the door opens._) PHIL, PHIL, here's an abusive
old female here who pretends she is your wife, and wants to order me
out. I believe she must either be intoxicated or out of her senses!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_pouncing upon the newcomer and boxing his ears
soundly_). Is she? it is you who are out of _your_ senses, Pa! Take
that--and _that_--and now come home with me, do you hear?
_The Newcomer_ (_with his hand to his cheek_). "Pa," am I? I thought
I was your _husband_ just now! Well, I must have married before I
was born, either way. And now, perhaps, you'll explain what all this
means?
_Mrs. Toov._ (_faintly_). Oh, my goodness! I've made a dreadful
mistake; it _isn't_ Pa! Let me go--let me go!
_The Newc._ (_putting his back against the door_). Not yet, Ma'am; not
yet. You don't go like this; after insulting this young lady, to whom
I've the honour of being engaged, and telling her you're my wife, and
then smacking my face in her presence. I've my dignity to consider,
and I want satisfaction out of you. Come, we won't have a row here,
for the sake of this young lady; just step out into lobby here, and
I'll give you in charge for assault. Stay where you are, MILLY, my
dear. Now, Ma'am, will you go, or shall I send for a constable?
(Mrs. T. _totters out, protesting incoherently, and begging to be
released_.) Well, I don't want to spoil my evening's pleasure on your
account. You give me your name and address, and I'll simply summon you
for assault; which is more than you deserve. If you won't, I'll charge
you!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_reluctantly_). Oh, indeed it was an acc----I will
_not_ give you my name. Yes, yes, I will; anything to get out of this
horrible place. (_The young man produces a pencil, and pulls down
his left shirt cuff._) Mrs.--TOO--no, I don't mean TOO--TOMKINSON
JONES--The--the Laburnums--U--upper Tooting. There, _now_ are you
satisfied?
_The Young Man_ (_recording it_). Thank you, that's all _I_ require.
You'll hear from me later on. Good evening!
_Mrs. Toov._ (_as she crawls down the staircase_). I have only just
saved myself by a--a _fib_! And I haven't even found Pa out. But I
_will_. I'll go straight home and sit up for him!