_Monday._--Rather tired of this constant hand-shaking, and even the
lady-kissing is somewhat wearisome. Especially when the fair dames do
not draw the line at sixty. However, no doubt well meant. Found usual
collection of miscellaneous presents. Don't quite know what I shall
do with ton of tallow. Somehow our hosts fancy we require it. Latest
addition from the advertising merchants--a Patent Tombstone (with
space for _affiches_ at back) and Somebody's Remedy for Neuralgia.
Wish our hosts would not send us such a lot of things! Have been
staying at my hotel all day long on the chance of escaping attention,
and thus be able to find my way to the Moulin Rouge. Just got past the
porter, when I was caught by one of the _attaches_ and carried off to
a State Dinner. Spent the rest of the evening in shouting "Long Live
France!" and listening to the Russian National Hymn.
_Tuesday._--Hope I shall have better luck to-day. My hand is twice
its normal size, thanks to the shaking. More presents. Candles by
the hundredweight, and bear's-grease by the ton. Some one has sent a
Boot-blacking Machine, and wants a testimonial. On the watch all day.
Trust to get to the Folies Bergeres some time or another. Just crawled
out when seized by a friendly _depute_, and hurried off to a function
at the Hotel de Ville!
_Wednesday._--Absolutely done up. Deafened with the "_Marseillaise_,"
and sick to death of "_The Emperor's Hymn_." Usual collection of
presents. Five thousand fire-alarms! One of them alone enough to wake
up a slumbering town of half a million inhabitants! Ladies of all ages
(especially of mature age) anxious to kiss me. Could not walk across
the road this morning for them! Had to stop in the hotel all day long.
Tried to escape in the evening on the chance of finding my way to a
"concert-music-hall," when seized by an officer of the French Marine,
and carried away to a Reception!
_Thursday._--I have now been in Paris four days and seen nothing,
absolutely nothing! Of course most gratifying from a patriotic point
of view, but if this is Paris why give me St. Petersburg, or even
Siberia! Can't move a step without having my hand shaken off. Not a
moment's privacy; and as for the presents, I am absolutely deluged
with them! and such idiotic gifts! All the advertisers in the
country seem to have found us out. What use on earth can I make of an
elephant's feeding-spoon or a lady's comb for curling the hair? I made
a last effort to get to the Moulin; but, of course, again frustrated.
I was seized by an "A.-D.-C." and taken to a State Lecture!
_Friday._--Giving way to despair! What a hollow thing is popular
applause! I am absolutely tired to death of it. I cannot repeat (for
very weariness), the various ovations I have received. I have been
accepted with cheers at all hours of the day and night! Oh, how glad
I would be to get back! At the last moment I saw my way to a stealthy
visit to the Folies, when I was secured and booked for two dinners and
a "_punch_." Betrayed! Betrayed!
_Saturday._--Still hunted. Not allowed to go anywhere except when
my tormentors drag me to some official function. Have sold all my
presents for ten francs. Have received marching orders for Toulon.
Just as I was about to escape and proceed to the Moulin Rouge,
captured by "my friends the enemy," or should it be "my enemies the
friends"? Had to submit to the usual enthusiasm on my road to the
railway station. Fortune of war I suppose, or rather of peace. Of the
two, the latter I should think was the more deadly. Last strain of the
"_Marseillaise_," last kiss from some one's grandmother, and curtain!
Glad it's all over!
* * * * *
BY MR. JUSTICE CHARLES (_omitted in reports of his decision last
week_).--"The Dahomey Troupe of Amazons appear only in the evenings
at certain music-halls. Their name should be changed to 'Day-homey and
Night-outy Amazons.'"
(_Signed_)
"CHARLES HIS FRIEND."
* * * * *
THE CHESHIRE CRUELTY TO CHILDREN CASE.--Rightly were condemned the two
unfeeling PHELANS. No jury could possibly have any consideration
for such PHELANS as these. If for the male prisoner the jury had
recommended a tail or two of the Cheshire Cat (o'-nine-tails), it
would not have been thought too much.
* * * * *
MOTTO FOR MR. INDERWICK, Q.C.--The eminent Counsel of the QUEEN has
been recently admitted to the freedom of the borough of Rye. He has
added to his coat of arms the words, "Mind your Rye."
* * * * *
NEW DESCRIPTIVE TITLE OF THE G. O. M. SUGGESTED BY LORD SALISBURY'S
LATEST SPEECH.--"The Autocrat of the Round Table."
* * * * *
[Illustration: "EMINENTLY A SCOTTISH GOVERNMENT."
(_Mr. Asquith's Speech, Tuesday, October 17._)]
* * * * *
[Illustration: TOO PARTICULAR.
"LOOK HERE--CONFOUND IT, ISAACSON! YOU'VE PLAYED ME A PRETTY TRICK
WITH THIS ANCESTOR YOU SOLD ME! SHOWED IT TO A FRIEND YESTERDAY, AND
TOLD HIM IT WAS THE PORTRAIT OF MY ANCESTOR WHO CAME OVER WITH WILLIAM
THE FIRST; AND HE SAID, 'WHAT A FUNNY THING HE SHOULD HAVE DRESSED
HIMSELF IN THE STYLE OF WILLIAM THE FOURTH!'"
"VELL THAT'TH NOTHING. I JETH MADE A MITHTAKE OF A FEW YEARTH--VILLIAM
THE FIRTHT AND VILLIAM THE FOURTH; ONLY HITH GREAT-GRANDTHON!"]
* * * * *