OBEYING ORDERS.
As I roomed with Mrs. Sandford, of course I had very scant
opportunities of being by myself. In the delightful early
mornings I was accustomed to take my book, therefore, and go
down where I had gone the first morning, to the rocks by the
river's side. Nobody came by that way at so early an hour; I
had been seen by nobody except that one time, when Thorold and
his companion passed me; and I felt quite safe. It was
pleasanter down there than can be told. However sultry the air
on the heights above, so near the water there was always a
savour of freshness; or else I fancied it, in the hearing of
the soft liquid murmur of the little wavelets against the
shore. But sometimes it was so still I could hear nothing of
that; then birds and insects, or the faint notes of a bugle
call, were the only things to break the absolute hush; and the
light was my refreshment, on river and tree and rock and hill;
one day sharp and clear, another day fairyland- like and
dreamy through golden mist.
It was a good retiring place in any case, so early in the day.
I could read and pray there better than in a room, I thought.
The next morning after my second dancing party, I was there as
usual. It was a sultry July morning, the yellow light in the
haze on the hills threatening a very hot day. I was very
happy, as usual; but somehow my thoughts went roaming off into
the yellow haze as if the landscape had been my life, and I
were trying to pick out points of light here and there, and
sporting on the gay surface. I danced my dances over again in
the flow of the river; heard soft words of kindness or
admiration in the song of the birds; wandered away in mazes of
speculative fancy among the thickets of tree stems and under-
brush. The sweet wonderful note of a wood thrush, somewhere
far out of sight, assured me, what everything conspired to
assure me, that I was certainly in fairyland, not on the
common earth. But I could not somehow get on with my Bible.
Again and again I began to read; then a bird or a bough or a
ripple would catch my attention, and straightway I was off on
a flight of fancy or memory, dancing over again my dances with
Mr. Thorold, dwelling upon the impression of his figure and
dress, and the fascination of his brilliant, changing hazel
eyes; or recalling Captain Vaux's or somebody else's insipid
words and looks, or Faustina St. Clair's manner of ill will;
or on the other hand giving a passing thought to the question,
how I should dress the next hop night. After a long wandering
I would come back and begin at my Bible again, but only for a
little; my fancy could not be held to it; and a few scarcely
read verses and a few half-uttered petitions were all I had
accomplished before the clangour of the hotel gong sounding
down even to me, warned me that my time was gone. And the note
of the wood-thrush as I slowly mounted the path, struck
reproachfully and rebukingly upon the ear of my conscience.
How had this come about? I mused as I went up the hill. What
was the matter? What had bewitched me? No pleasure in my
Bible; no time for prayer; and only the motion of feet moving
to music, only the flutter of lace and muslin, and the
flashing of hazel eyes, filling my brain? What was wrong? Nay,
something! And why had Mrs. Sandford "feared" I would not go
to the hops? Were they not places for Christians to go to?
What earthly harm? Only pleasure. But what if pleasure that
marred better pleasure that interrupted duty? And why was I
ruminating on styles and colours, and proposing to put on
another dress that should be more becoming the next time? and
thinking that it would be well it should be a contrast to
Faustina St. Clair? What! entering the lists with her, on her
own field? No, no; I could not think it. But what then? And
what was this little flutter at my heart about gentlemen's
words and looks of homage and liking? What could it be to me,
that such people as Captain Vaux or Captain Lascelles liked
me? Captain Lascelles, who when he was not dancing or flirting
was pleased to curl himself up on one of the window seats like
a monkey, and take a grinning survey of what went on. Was I
flattered by such admiration as his? or _any_ admiration? I
liked to have Mr. Thorold like me; yes, I was not wrong to be
pleased with that; besides, that was _liking;_ not empty
compliments. But for my lace and my India muslin and my
"Southern elegance" I knew Colonel Walrus meant me when he
talked about that, was I thinking of admiration for such
things as these, and thinking so much, that my Bible reading
had lost its charm? What was in fault? Not the hops? They were
too pleasant. It could not be the hops.
I mounted the hill slowly and in a great maze, getting more
and more troubled. I entering the lists with Faustina St.
Clair, going in her ways? I knew these were her ways. I had
heard scraps enough of conversation among the girls about
these things, which I then did not understand. And another
word came therewith into my mind, powerful once before and
powerful now to disentangle the false from the true. "The
world knoweth us not." Did it not know me, last night? Would
it not, if I went there again? But the hops were so pleasant!
It almost excites a smile in me now to think how pleasant they
were. I was only sixteen. I had seen no dancing parties other
than the little school assemblages at Mme. Ricard's; and I was
fond of the amusement even there. Here, it seemed to me then
as if all prettiness and pleasantness that could come together
in such a gathering, met, in the dancing room of the cadets. I
think not very differently now, as to that point. The pretty
accompaniments of uniform; the simple style and hours; the
hearty enjoyment of the occasion; were all a little unlike
what is found at other places. And to me, and to increase my
difficulty, came a crowning pleasure; I met Thorold there. To
have a good dance and talk with him was worth certainly all
the rest. Must I give it up?
I could not bear to think so, but the difficulty helped to
prick my conscience. There had been only two fops, and I was
so enthralled already. How would it be if I had been to a
dozen? and where might it end? And the word stands, "the
world knoweth us _not_."
It must not know me, Daisy Randolph, as in any sort belonging
to it or mixed up with it; and therefore Daisy Randolph must
go to the hop no more. I felt the certainty of the decision
growing over me, even while I was appalled by it. I staved off
consideration all that day.
In the afternoon Mr. Thorold came and took me to see the
laboratory, and explained for me a number of curious things. I
should have had great enjoyment, if Preston had not taken it
into his head, unasked, to go along; being unluckily with me
when Thorold came. He was a thorough marplot; saying nothing
of consequence himself, and only keeping a grim watch I
could take it as nothing else of everything we said and did.
Consequently, Mr. Thorold's lecture was very proper and grave,
instead of being full of fun and amusement as well as
instruction. I took Preston to task about it when we got home.
"You hinder pleasure when you go in that mood," I told him.
"What mood?"
"You know. You never are pleasant when Mr. Thorold is present
or when he is mentioned."
"He is a cowardly Yankee!" was Preston's rejoinder.
"_Cowardly_, Gary?" said somebody near; and I saw a cadet whom
I did not know, who came from behind us and passed by on the
piazza. He did not look at us, and stayed not for any more
words; but turning to Preston, I was surprised to see his face
violently flushed.
"Who was that?"
"No matter impertinence!" he muttered.
"But what _is_ the matter? and what did he mean?"
"He is one of Thorold's set," said Preston; "and I tell you,
Daisy, you shall not have anything to do with them. Aunt
Felicia would never allow it. She would not look at them
herself. You shall not have anything more to do with them."
How could I, if I was going no more to the hops? How could I
see Thorold, or anybody? The thought struck to my heart, and I
made no answer. Company, however, kept me from considering the
matter all the evening.
But the next day, early, I was in my usual place; near the
river side, among the rocks, with my Bible; and I resolved to
settle the question there as it ought to be settled. I was
resolved; but to do what I had resolved, was difficult. For I
wanted to go to the hop that evening very much. Visions of it
floated before me; snatches of music and gleams of light;
figures moving in harmony; words, and looks; and my own
white little person. All these made a kind of quaint mosaic
with flashes of light on the river, and broad warm bands of
sunshine on the hills, and the foliage of trees and bushes,
and the grey lichened rocks at my foot. It was confusing; but
I turned over the leaves of my Bible to see if I could find
some undoubted direction as to what I ought to do, or perhaps
rather some clear permission for what I wished to do. I could
not remember that the Bible said anything about dancing, _pro_
or _con_; dancing, I thought, could not be wrong; but this
confusion in my mind was not right. I fluttered over my leaves
a good while with no help; than I thought I might as well take
a chapter somewhere and study it through. The whole chapter,
it was the third of Colossians, did not seem to me to go
favourably for my pleasure; but the seventeenth verse brought
me to a point, "Whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in
the name of the Lord Jesus."
There was no loophole here for excuses or getting off,
"_Whatsoever ye do_." Did I wish it otherwise? No, I did not. I
was content with the terms of service; but now about dancing,
or rather the dancing party? "In the name of the Lord Jesus."
Could I go there in that name? as the servant of my Master,
busy about His work, or taking pleasure that He had given me
to take? That was the question. And all my visions of gay
words and gay scenes, all the flutter of pleased vanity and
the hope of it, rose up and answered me. By that thought of
the pretty dress I would wear, I knew I should not wear it "in
the name of the Lord Jesus;" for my thought was of honour to
myself, not to Him. By the fear which darted into my head,
that Mr. Thorold might dance with Faustina if I were not
there, I knew I should not go "in the name of the Lord," if I
went; but to gratify my own selfish pride and emulation. By
the confusion which had reigned in my brain these two days, by
the tastelessness of my Bible, by the unaptness for prayer, I
knew, I knew, I could not go in the name of my Lord, for it
would be to unfit myself for his work.
The matter was settled in one way; but the pain of it took
longer to come to an end. It is sorrowful to me to remember
now how hard it was to get over. My vanity I was heartily
ashamed of, and bade that show its head no more; my emulation
of Faustina St. Clair gave me some horror; but the pleasure,
the real honest pleasure, of the scene and the music and the
excitement and the dancing and the seeing people, all that,
I did not let go forever without a hard time of sorrow and
some tears. It was not a _struggle_, for I gave that up at once;
only I had to fight pain. It was one of the hardest things I
ever did in my life. And the worst of all and the, most
incurable was, I should miss seeing Mr. Thorold. One or two
more walks, possibly, I might have with him; but those long,
short, evenings of seeing and talking and dancing!
Mrs. Sandford argued, coaxed, and rallied me; and then said,
if I would not go, she should not; and she did not. That
evening we spent at home together, and alone; for everybody
else had drifted over to the hop. I suppose Mrs. Sandford
found it dull; for the next hop night she changed her mind and
left me. I had rather a sorrowful evening. Dr. Sandford had
not come back from the mountains; indeed I did not wish for
him; and Thorold had not been near us for several days. My
fairyland was getting disenchanted a little bit. But I was
quite sure I had done right.
The next morning I had hardly been three minutes on my rock by
the river, when Mr. Thorold came round the turn of the walk
and took a seat beside me.
"How do you do?" said he, stretching out his hand. I put mine
in it.
"What has become of my friend, this seven years?"
"I am here " I said.
"I see you. But why have I not _seen_ you, all this while?"
"I supposed you had been busy," I answered.
"Busy! Of course I have, or I should have been here asking
questions. I was not too busy to dance with you; and I was
promised how many dances? Where have you been?"
"I have been at home."
"Why?"
Would Mr. Thorold understand me? Mrs. Sandford did not. My own
mother never did. I hesitated, and he repeated his question,
and those hazel eyes were sparkling all sorts of queries
around me.
"I have given up going to the hops," I said.
"Given up? Do you mean, you _don't_ mean, that you are never
coming any more?"
"I am not coming any more."
"Don't you sometimes change your decisions?"
"I suppose I do," I answered; "but not this one."
"I am in a great puzzle," he said. "And very sorry. Aren't you
going to be so good as to give me some clue to this mystery?
Did you find the hops so dull?"
And he looked very serious indeed.
"O no! " I said. "I liked them very much I enjoyed them
very much. I am sorry to stay away."
"Then you will not stay away very long."
"Yes I shall."
"Why?" he asked again, with a little sort of imperative
curiosity which was somehow very pleasant to me.
"I do not think it is right for me to go," I said. Then,
seeing grave astonishment and great mystification in his face,
I added, "I am a Christian, Mr. Thorold."
"A Christian!" he cried, with flashes of light and shadow
crossing his brow. "Is _that_ it?"
"That is it," I assented.
"But, my dear Miss Randolph you know we are friends?"
"Yes," I said, smiling, and glad that he had not forgotten it.
"Then we may talk about what we like. Christians go to hops."
I looked at him without answering.
"Don't you know they do?"
"I suppose they may," I answered slowly.
"But they _do_. There was our former colonel's wife Mrs. Holt;
she was a regular church-goer, and a member of the church; she
was always at the hop, and her sister; they are both church
members. Mrs. Lambkin, General Lambkin's wife, she is another.
Major Banks's sisters those pretty girls, they are always
there; and it is the same with visitors. Everybody comes;
their being Christians does not make any difference."
"Captain Thorold," said I, "I mean Mr. Thorold, don't you
obey your orders?"
"Yes generally," he said. And he laughed.
"So must I."
"You are not a soldier."
"Yes I am."
"Have you got orders not to come to our hop?"
"I think I have. You will not understand me, but this is what
I mean, Mr. Thorold. I _am_ a soldier, of another sort from you;
and I have orders not to go anywhere that my Captain does not
send me or where I cannot be serving Him."
"I wish you would show those orders to me."
I gave him the open page which I had been studying, that same
chapter of Colossians, and pointed out the words. He looked at
them, and turned over the page, and turned it back.
"I don't see the orders," he said.
I was silent. I had not expected he would.
"And I was going to say, I never saw any Christians that were
soldiers; but I have, one. And so you are another?" And he
bent upon me a look so curiously considering, tender, and
wondering, at once, that I could not help smiling.
"A soldier!" said he, again, "You? Have you ever been under
fire?"
I smiled again, and then, I don't know what it was. I cannot
tell what, in the question and in the look, touched some weak
spot. The question called up such sharp answers; the look
spoke so much sympathy. It was very odd for me to do; but I
was taken unawares; my eyes fell and filled, and before I
could help it were more than full. I do not know, to this day,
how I came to cry before Thorold. It was very soon over, my
weakness, whatever it was. It seemed to touch him amazingly.
He got hold of my hand, put it to his lips, and kissed it over
and over, outside and inside.
"I can see it all in your face!" he said, tenderly; "the
strength and the truth to do anything, and bear whatever is
necessary. But I am not so good as you. I cannot bear anything
unless it _is_ necessary; and this isn't."
"Oh, no, nor I!" I said; "but this is necessary, Mr. Thorold."
"Prove it come."
"You do not see the orders," I said; "but there they are. 'Do
all in the name of the Lord Jesus.' I cannot go to that place
'in His name.' "
"I do not think I understand what you mean," he said, gently.
"A soldier, the best that ever lived, is his own man when he
is off duty. We go to the hop to play not to work."
"Ah, but a soldier of Christ is never 'off duty,' " I said.
"See, Mr. Thorold '_whatsoever_ ye do' 'whether ye eat or
drink or whatsoever ye do' That covers all; don't you see?"
"That would make it a very heavy thing to be a Christian," he
said; "there would be no liberty at all."
"Oh, but it is all liberty!" I said. "When you love Jesus."
He looked at me so enquiringly, so inquisitively, that I went
on.
"You do not think it hard to do things for anybody you love?"
"No," said he. "I would like to do things for you."
I remember I smiled at that, for it seemed to me very pleasant
to hear him say it; but I went on.
"Then you understand it, Mr. Thorold."
"No," said he, "I do not understand it; for there is this
difficulty. I do not see what in the world such an innocent
amusement as that we are talking of, can have to do with
Christian duty, one way or another. Every Christian woman that
I know comes to it, that is young enough; and some that
aren't."
It was very hard to explain.
"Suppose they disobey orders," I said slowly; "that would be
another reason why I should obey them."
"Of course. But do they?"
"I should," I said. "I am not serving Christ when I am there.
I am not doing the work He has given me to do. I cannot go."
"I came down here on purpose to persuade you," he said.
It was not necessary to answer that, otherwise than by a look.
"And you are unpersuadable," he said; "unmanageable, of
course, by me; strong as a giant, and gentle as a snowflake.
But the snowflake melts; and you you will go up to the hotel
as good a crystal as when you came down."
This made me laugh, and we had a good laugh together, holding
each other's hand.
"Do you know," said he, "I must go? There is a roll of a
summons that reaches my ear, and I must be at the top of the
bank in one minute and a quarter. I had no leave to be here."
"Hadn't you?" I said. "Oh, then, go, go directly, Mr.
Thorold!"
But I could not immediately release, my hand, and holding it
and looking at me Thorold laughed again; his hazel eyes
sparkling and dancing and varying with what feelings I could
not tell. They looked very steadily, too, till I remember mine
went down, and then, lifting his cap, he turned suddenly and
sprang away. I sat down to get breath and think.
I had come to my place rather sober and sorrowful; and what a
pleasant morning I had had! I did not mind at all, now, my not
going to the dances. I had explained myself to Mr. Thorold,
and we were not any further apart for it, and I had had a
chance to speak to him about other things too. And though he
did not understand me, perhaps he would some day. The warning
gong sounded before I had well got to my Bible reading. My
Bible reading was very pleasant this morning, and I could not
be balked of it; so I spent over it near the whole half hour
that remained, and rushed up to the hotel in the last five
minutes. Of course I was rather late and quite out of breath;
and having no voice and being a little excited, I suppose was
the reason that I curtseyed to Dr. Sandford, whom I met at the
head of the piazza steps. He looked at me like a man taken
aback.
"Daisy!" he exclaimed.
"Yes, sir," I answered.
"Where have you come from?"
"From my study," I said. "I have a nice place down by the
river which is my study."
"Rather a public situation for a private withdrawing place,"
said the doctor.
"Oh, no!" said I. "At this hour " But there I stopped and
began again. "It is really very private. And it is the
pleasantest study place I think I ever had."
"To study what?"
I held up my book.
"It agrees with you," said the doctor.
"What?" said I, laughing.
"Daisy!" said Dr. Sandford "I left a quiet bud of a flower a
few days ago a little demure bit of a schoolgirl, learning
geology; and I have got a young princess here, a full rose,
prickles and all, I don't doubt. What has Mrs. Sandford done
with you?"
"I do not know," said I, thinking I had better be demure
again. "She took me to the hop."
"The hop? How did you like that?"
"I liked it very much."
"You did? You liked it? I did not know that you would go, with
your peculiar notions."
"I went," I said; "I did not know what it was. How could I
help liking it? But I am not going again."
"Why not, if you liked it?"
"I am not going again," I repeated. "Shall we have a walk to
the hills to-day, Dr. Sandford?"
"Grant!" said his sister-in-law's voice, "don't you mean the
child shall have any breakfast? What made you so late, Daisy?
Come in, and talk afterwards. Grant is uneasy if he can't see
at least your shadow all the while."
We went in to breakfast, and I took a delightful walk with Dr.
Sandford afterward, back in the ravines of the hills; but I
had got an odd little impression of two things. First, that
he, like Preston, was glad to have me give up going to the
hops. I was sure of it from his air and tone of voice, and it
puzzled me; for he could not possibly have Preston's dislike
of Northerners, nor be unwilling that I should know them. The
other thing was, that he would not like my seeing Mr. Thorold.
I don't know how I knew it, but I knew it. I thought it was
very odd but I thought he was _jealous;_ or rather, I felt he
would be if he had any knowledge of our friendship for each
other. So I resolved he should have no such knowledge.
Our life went on now as it had done at our first coming. Every
day Dr. Sandford and I went to the woods and hills, on a
regular naturalist's expedition; and nothing is so pleasant as
such expeditions. At home, we were busy with microscopic
examinations, preparations, and studies; delightful studies,
and beautiful lessons, in which the doctor was the finest of
instructors, as I have said, and I was at least the happiest
of scholars. Mrs. Sandford fumed a little, and Mr. Sandford
laughed; but that did no harm. Everybody went to the hops,
except the doctor and me; and every morning and evening, at
guard-mounting and at parade, I was on the ground behind the
guard tents to watch the things done and listen to the music
and enjoy all the various beauty. Sometimes I had a glimpse of
Thorold; for many both of cadets and officers used to come and
speak to me and rally me on my seclusion, and endeavour to
tempt me out of it. Thorold did not that; he only looked at
me, as if I were something to be a little wondered at but
wholly approved of. It was not a disagreeable look to meet.
"I must have it out with you," he said one evening, when he
had just a minute to speak to me. "There is a whole world, of
things I don't understand, and want to talk about. Let us go
Saturday afternoon and take a good, long walk up to 'Number
Four' do you like hills?"
"Yes."
"Then let us go up there Saturday will you?"
And when Saturday came, we went. Preston luckily was not on
hand; and Dr. Sandford, also luckily, was gone to dine at the
General's with his brother. There were no more shadows on
earth than there were clouds in the sky, as we took our way
across the plain and along the bank in front of the officers'
quarters looking north, and went out at the gate. Then we left
civilisation and the world behind us, and plunged into a wild
mountain region; going up by a track which few feet ever used,
the rough slope to "Number Four." Yet that a few feet used it
was plain.
"Do people come here to walk, much?" I asked, as we slowly
made our way up.
"Nobody comes here for anything."
"Somebody _goes_ here," I said. "This is a beaten path."
"Oh, there is a poor woodcutter's family at the top; they do
travel up and down occasionally."
"It is pretty," I said.
"It is pretty at the top; but we are a long way from that. Is
it too rough for you?"
"Not at all," I said. "I like it."
"You are a good walker, for a Southern girl."
"Oh, but I have lived at the North," I said; "I am only
Southern born."
Soon, however, he made me stop to rest. There was a good grey
rock under the shadow of the trees; Thorold placed me on that
and threw himself on the moss at my feet. We were up so high
in the world that the hills on the other side of the river
rose beautifully before us through the trees, and a sunny bit
of the lower ground of the plain looked like a bit of another
world that we were leaving. It was a sunny afternoon and a
little hazy; every line softened, every colour made richer
under the mellowing atmosphere.
"Now you can explain it all to me," said Thorold, as he threw
himself down. "You have walked too fast. You are warm."
"And you do not look as if it was warm at all."
"I! This is nothing to me," he said. "But perhaps it will
warm me and cool you, if we get into a talk. I want
explanations."
"About what, Mr. Thorold?"
"Well if you will excuse me about you," he said, with a
very pleasant look, frank and soft at once.
"I am quite ready to explain myself," I said. "But I am
afraid, when I have done it, that you will not understand me,
Mr. Thorold."
"Think I cannot?" said he.
"I am afraid not, without knowing what I know."
"Let us see," said Thorold. "I want to know why you judge so
differently from other people about the right and the wrong of
hops and such things. Somebody is mistaken that is clear."
"But the difficulty is, I cannot give you my point of view."
"Please try " said Thorold contentedly, resting his elbow in
a soft cushion of moss.
"Mr. Thorold, I told you, I am a soldier."
"Yes," he said, looking up at me, and little sparkles of light
seeming to come out of his hazel eyes.
"I showed you my orders."
"But I did not understand them to be what you said."
"Suppose you were in an enemy's country," I said; "a rebel
country; and your orders were, to do nothing which could be
construed into encouraging the rebels, or which could help
them to think that your king would hold friendship with them,
or that there was not a perfect gulf of division between you
and them."
"But this is not such a case?" said Thorold.
"That is only part," I said. "Suppose your orders were, to
keep constant watch and hold yourself at every minute ready
for duty, and to go nowhere and do nothing that would unfit
you for instant service, or put you off your watch."
"But, Miss Randolph!" said Thorold, a little impatiently "do
these little dances unfit you for duty?"
"Yes," I said. "And put me off my watch."
"Your watch against what? Oh, pardon me! and _please_ enlighten
me. I do not mean to be impertinent."
"I mean my watch for orders my watch against evil."
"Won't you explain?" said Thorold, gently and impatiently at
once. "What sort of evil can _you_ possibly fear, in connection
with such an innocent little recreation? What sort of 'orders'
are you expecting?"
I hesitated. Should I tell him? would he believe? was it best
to unveil the working of my own heart to that degree? And how
could I evade or shirk the question?
"I should not like to tell you," I said at length, "the
thoughts and feelings I found stirring in myself, after the
last time I went to the hop. I dare say they are something
that belongs especially to a woman, and that a man would not
know them."
Thorold turned on me again a wonderfully gentle look, for a
gay fiery young Vermonter, as I knew him to be.
"It wanted only that!" he said. "And the orders, Miss
Randolph what 'orders' are you expecting? You said, orders."
"Orders may be given by a sign," I said. "They need not be in
words."
He smiled. "I see, you have studied the subject."
"I mean, only, that whenever a duty is plainly put before me
something given me to do I know I have 'orders' to do it.
And then, Mr. Thorold, as the orders are not spoken, nor
brought to me by a messenger, only made known to me by a sign
of some sort, if I did not keep a good watch, I should be
sure to miss the sign sometimes, don't you see?"
"This is soldiership!" said Thorold. And getting up, he stood
before me in attitude like a soldier as he was, erect, still,
with arms folded, only not up to his chin like Captain
Percival, but folded manfully. He had been watching me very
intently; now he stood as intently looking off over the
further landscape. Methought I had a sort of pride in his fine
appearance; and yet he did in no wise belong to me.
Nevertheless it was pleasant to see, the firm, still attitude,
the fine proportions, the military nicety of all his dress,
which I had before noticed on the parade ground. For as there
is a difference between one walk and another, though all
trained; so there is a difference between one neatness and
another, though all according to regulation; and Preston never
looked like this.
He turned round at last, and smiled down at me.
"Are you rested?"
"Oh, yes!" I said, rising. "I was not fatigued."
"Are you tired talking?"
"No, not at all. Have I talked so very much?"
He laughed at that, but went on.
"Will you be out of patience with my stupidity?"
I said no.
"Because I am not fully enlightened yet. I want to ask further
questions; and asking questions is very impertinent."
"Not if you have leave," I said. "Ask what you like."
"I am afraid, nevertheless. But I can never know, if I do not
ask. How is it this is what puzzles me, that other people
who call themselves Christians do not think as you think about
all this matter?"
"Soldiership?" I asked.
"Well, yes. It comes to that, I suppose."
"You know what soldiership ought to be," I said.
"But one little soldier cannot be all the rank and file of
this army?" he said, looking down at me.
"Oh, no!" I said, laughing, "there are a great many more,
there are a great many more, only you do not happen to see
them."
"And these others, that I do see, are not soldiers then?"
"I do not know," I said, feeling sadly what a stumbling block
it was. "Perhaps. they are. But you know yourself, Mr.
Thorold, there is a difference between soldiers and soldiers."
He was silent a while, as we mounted the hill, and then
suddenly broke out again.
"But it makes religion a slavery a bondage to be _all_ the
while under arms, on guard, watching orders. _Always_ on the
watch and expecting to be under fire it is too much; it
would make a gloomy, ugly life of it."
"But suppose you _are_ under fire?" I said.
"What?" said he, looking and laughing again.
"If you are a good soldier in an enemy's country, always with
work to do; will you wish to be off your guard, or off duty?"
"But what a life!" said Thorold.
"If you love your Captain?" said I.
He stopped and looked at me with one of the keenest looks of
scrutiny I ever met. It seemed to scrutinise not me only, but
the truth. I thought he was satisfied; for he turned away
without adding anything more at that time. His mind was at
work, however; for he broke down a small branch in his way and
busied himself with it in sweeping the trunks of the trees as
we went by; varying the occupation with a careful clearing
away of all stones and sticks that would make my path rougher
than it need be. Finally, giving me his hand to help me spring
over a little rivulet that crossed our way.
"Here is an incongruity, now I think of it," said he, smiling.
"How is it that you can be on such good terms with a rebel?
Ought you to have anything to do with me?"
"I may be friends with anybody in his private capacity," I
answered in the same tone. "That does not compromise anything.
It is only when You know what I mean."
"When they are assembled for doubtful purposes."
"Or gathered in a place where the wrong colours are
displayed," I added. "I must not go there."
"There was no false banner hung out on the Academic Building
the other night," he said humorously.
But I knew my King's banner was not either. I knew, people did
not think of Him there, nor work for Him, and would have been
very much surprised to hear any one speak of Him. Say it was
innocent amusement; people did not want Him with them there;
and where He was not, I did not wish to be. But I could not
tell all this to Mr. Thorold. He was not contented, however,
without an answer.
"How was it?" he asked.
"You cannot understand me," I said, "and you may laugh at me."
"Why may I not understand you?" he said gently, with the
utmost deference of manner.
"I suppose, because you do not understand something else," I
said; "and you cannot, Mr. Thorold, until you know what the
love of Jesus is, and what it is to care for His honour and
His service more than for anything else in the world."
"But are they compromised?" he asked. "That is the thing. You
see, I want you back at the hop."
"I would like to come," said I; "but I must not."
"On the ground ?"
"I told you, Mr. Thorold. I do not find that my orders allow
me to go there. I must do nothing that I cannot do in my
King's name."
"That is "
"As His servant on His errands following where He leads
me."
"I never heard it put so before," said Thorold. "It bears the
stamp of perfection only an impossible perfection."
"No " said I.
"To ordinary mortals," he rejoined, with one of his quick
brilliant flashes of the eye. Then as it softened and changed
again,
"Miss Randolph, permit me to ask a not irrelevant question
Are you happy?"
And with the inquiry came the investigating look, keen as a
razor or a rifle ball. I could meet it though; and I told him,
it was _this_ made me happy. For the first time his face was
troubled. He turned it from me and dropped the conversation. I
let it drop too; and we walked side by side and silently the
remainder of the steep way; neither of us, I believe, paying
much attention to what there was to be seen below or around
us. At the top however this changed. We found a good place to
rest, and sat there a long time looking at the view; Thorold
pointing out its different features, and telling me about them
in detail; his visits to them, and exploration of the region
generally. And we planned imaginary excursions together; one
especially to the top of the Crow's Nest, with an imaginary
party, to see the sun rise. We would have to go up of course
over night; we must carry a tent along for shelter, and camp
beds, and cooking utensils, at least a pot to boil coffee; and
plenty of warm wraps and plenty of provisions, for people
always eat terribly in cold regions, Thorold said. And
although the top of the Crow's Nest is not Arctic by any
means, still it is cool enough even in a warm day, and would
be certainly cool at night. Also the members of our party we
debated; they must be people of good tempers and travelling
habits, not to be put out for a little; people with large
tastes for enjoyment, to whom the glory of the morning would
make amends for all the toil of the night; and good talkers,
to keep up the tone of the whole thing. Meanwhile, Thorold and
I heartily enjoyed Number Four; as also I did his explanations
of fortifications, which I drew from him and made him apply to
all the fortifications in sight or which I knew. And when the
sun's westing told us it was time to go home, we went down all
the way talking. I have but little remembrance of the path.
The cool bright freshness of the light in the trees, and its
brilliant gleams in the distance after it had left our
hillside, I remember that. I have an impression of the calm
clear beauty that was under foot and overhead, that afternoon;
but I saw it only as I could see it while giving my thought to
something else. Sometimes, holding hands, we took runs down
the mountain side; then walked demurely again when we got to
easier going. We had come to the lower region at last and were
not far from the gate, talking earnestly and walking close
together, when I saw Thorold touch his cap. I do not know what
made me ask, "Was that anybody I knew?".
"I believe it was your friend Dr. Sandford," he said, smiling
into my face with a smile of peculiar expression and peculiar
beauty. I saw something had pleased him, pleased him very
much. It could not have been Dr. Sandford. I cannot say I was
pleased, as I had an intuitive assurance the doctor was not.
But Thorold's smile almost made amends.
That evening the doctor informed us he had got intelligence
which obliged him to leave the Point immediately; and as he
could go with us part of the way to Niagara, we had better all
set off together. I had lost all my wish to go to Niagara; but
I said nothing. Mrs. Sandford said there was nothing to be
gained by staying at the Point any longer, as I would not go
to the hops. So Monday morning we went away.