BLIGHTY FOR TWO
Grant's appointment to the menial position of bath-orderly plunged him
into a state of savage gloom. His duties were arduous and his hours
long; and as he spent even his free time in morose silence, he soon
made Alf as miserable as himself. Gradually the week wore away until at
last the sentence was served, and Bill was once more a free man.
But his punishment seemed to have soured his whole outlook on life;
even now he continued sullenly aloof till at last even the easy-going
Alf felt himself constrained to remonstrate.
"Look 'ere, Bill," he said. "What's up?"
"Fed up!" growled Bill.
"Fed up? Well, o' course you're fed up. Ain't we all fed up? But that
ain't no reason for goin' on like this. You might be a lot worse off.
'Ere we are, back from the line an' in billets in a nice little village
with shops an' estaminets an' ... an' baths."
"If you wants one in the 'ear-'ole," said Bill, rising wrathfully,
"you've on'y got to say 'bath' to me again. An' look 'ere, I never 'ad
no use for sermons any'ow. Get on to the 'ymn."
Alf regarded him helplessly. Bill simply stared straight before him
with a queer glint in his eyes.
"Look 'ere," said Higgins at last, deciding to stretch a point for the
sake of a quiet life. "Shall I get Eustace to fetch yer a pint?"
"No."
"It'd do yer good."
"No, I tell yer. Keep yer blinkin' Eustace an' yer blinkin' beer, an'
f'r 'Eaven's sake leave me alone. I'm fed up with the 'ole boilin'
of yer--sick of it. Sick o' the War, an' this ruddy country, an'
everything. I wants to get 'ome to Blighty, an', oh Gawd! to think I'll
'ave to wait another two months."
Alf was silent and sympathetic; he could remember times when he had
been helpless in the grip of just such a desperate angry longing to
escape from France and all that it stood for. An idea struck him.
"Couldn't Eustace ...?" he began.
"No. D'you think I 'aven't sense enough to think o' that meself? This
is one o' them times when Eustace ain't no blinkin' use at all--unless
you've got enough guts to send 'im over to get ole Kaiser Bill 'ere,
an...."
"Well, I won't," said Alf obstinately. "I told you before. An' I don't
see why Eustace can't take you over to Blighty all right. 'E brought
that young lady over 'ere."
"Because," said Bill, with the air of one explaining truisms to a
wrong-headed child, "if we asks Eustace to take us 'ome, what 'appens?
We're deserters. Sooner or later we'd get found out an' shot. 'Tain't
worth it. I should 'ave thought even you could 'ave understood that."
With this Parthian shot he stalked heavily away, leaving Alf
disconsolate. But as soon as he was alone he began to ponder Alf's
scorned suggestion. Was there not some way in which Eustace could be
employed to take Bill and Alf home for a space without subjecting them
to the risk of subsequent execution? He turned the question over in his
restless mind, but in vain; and as a result his temper at bed-time was
even less equable than before. Alf was glad to roll himself up in his
blanket and go to sleep.
But Bill could not sleep. Long after "lights out," he lay awake,
thinking and brooding over his problem; and his longing for Blighty
grew sharper till it was almost more than he could bear. But he knew
that until he could find some way of circumventing his difficulties he
must continue, like the cat in the adage, to let "I dare not" wait upon
"I would."
At last, just as daylight began to appear, a new idea struck him. It
was a scheme of masterly simplicity in which his tired brain could
detect no flaw. He leant over and shook the dimly visible form of Alf,
who woke in astonishment and was about to give tongue when Bill's huge
hand was clapped over his mouth, and Bill's voice spoke fiercely in
his ear.
"Quiet, you fool!"
"Wasermarrer?" enquired Alf thickly, as soon as the hand was removed.
"I got it!" whispered Bill triumphantly.
"Got what?"
"I knows 'ow we can work it."
There was a pause, as Alf allowed this to sink in. "Work what?" he
asked at last.
"Wake up, you fat'ed, an' listen. It's a transfer we want."
"A what?"
"A _transfer_!"
"Do we?"
Bill's overtried nerves snapped suddenly.
"If it wasn't for the row it'd make, I'd dot yer one," he hissed
fiercely. "'Ere, put yer things on quiet an' slip outside, an' I'll
tell yer there."
A few moments later, in the dim first light of dawn, Bill unfolded his
scheme.
"If we tells Eustace to transfer us to the Reserve Battalion 'ome in
Blighty, that ain't desertion, because we'd still be soldierin', see.
An' it's about time you and me 'ad a little go o' soldierin' at 'ome,
for a change like. Oh, it's a real brainy notion, Alf. Can't think why
I never thought of it before."
Alf, still half-asleep, had only the vaguest conception of the meaning
of the magic word "transfer" and still less of the formalities
attaching thereto; but such was his trust in the acumen and the
military knowledge of his mate that he accepted the statement without
reserve. Acting under Bill's instructions he rubbed his Button.
Instantly Eustace appeared with his usual formula.
"We want to be transferred," said Alf. "To the Reserve Battalion in
Blighty--at once, please."
"Lord!" answered the djinn, "I hear and obey."
He advanced on the two privates who, expecting to feel themselves
borne with appalling swiftness through the air, closed their eyes
apprehensively; but nothing seemed to happen, and they opened them
again.
"Lumme!" said Alf in astonishment. "Good ole Eustace!"
The scene before them had changed with the suddenness of a
cinematograph film. The dawn was still just breaking, but instead of
the cheerless plains of France they saw the wooded hills and trim
hedges of an English landscape. They were standing on a country road
beside a camp of wooden huts. Not far away the spire of a church
and the chimneys of a few houses rising above the drifting morning
mist showed where a village stood; and as they tried to gather their
wits together they heard a sound to which their ears had long been
strangers--the distant rumble of an express train.
"Good ole Eustace--an' good ole Blighty!" said Bill softly. "Come on,
Alf. There's a sentry at the gate. We'll report to 'im."
The sentry at once handed them over to the sergeant of the guard, who
produced a piece of paper and a stubby pencil.
"Nice time o' day to come in, I don't think," he observed severely.
"Overstayed yer week-end leave, I s'pose. Where's your passes?"
"We 'aven't got no passes, sergeant. We've...."
"Names, please," interrupted the catechist. "1287 'Iggins A. an' 2312
Grant W. Which comp'ny?"
"'C' Comp'ny, 5th M.F., B.E.F."
"Yes, yes," said the sergeant with heavy sarcasm. "You can say yer
alphabet arterwards. An' I don't want yer past 'istory, neither. This
ain't the B.E.F. an' I want to know which comp'ny you belong to 'ere."
"We dunno, sergeant. We been transferred from the B.E.F. an' we're just
reportin'."
"What, at this time o' day, an' without any kit? All right, you
needn't trouble to tell me any more. You tell it all to the C.O. when
'e sees you. 'E'll 'arf skin yer, I expect, for rollin' in at this
time, because the last train for 'ere gets in at eight o'clock in the
evening."
Alf and Bill sat in the guard-room, their first elation rather dashed.
Once more things were turning out unexpectedly difficult. They were
indeed back in Blighty, but were to be half-skinned as a result. If on
top of this Eustace managed to make any mistake in the transfer, they
might reasonably expect to be completely flayed by the colonel, who
had the reputation (which had reached the brigade in France by means
of the drafts he sent out to it) of being a fire-eater. Bill began to
regret bitterly his impulsiveness in leaving the technical details of
his scheme to Eustace; but he realized that it was now too late to do
anything. He and Alf would be kept under strict surveillance until the
time of their interview with the C.O., and there would be no possible
chance of summoning Eustace and ascertaining just what he had done.
They decided to do nothing, and to hope for the best. Even a guard-room
in Blighty seemed to them at that moment preferable to their billet in
France.
Soon after breakfast the hour for the inquisition arrived and the
two friends found themselves side by side "on the mat" before the
great man, who was physically a very little man. Colonel Watts was
a "dug-out." Some time before the war broke out he had retired from
a very long and incredibly undistinguished military career with the
rank of major, and had devoted himself to bullying his meek wife and
generally making her life a misery. When the war began the gallant
major, much to Mrs. Watts' relief, applied for and obtained command of
a New Army battalion. Unfortunately, however, he managed to quarrel so
violently with all his immediate superiors and most of his colleagues
that the divisional general refused to take him to the front. Shortly
before the division sailed for France the little man returned raging
to Tunbridge Wells, discharged all his wife's servants, poisoned her
dog, and proceeded to vent all his accumulated spleen on the poor lady
herself. Eventually, only just in time to save Mrs. Watts' sanity, he
was offered the command of the Territorial reserve battalion of the
Middlesex Fusiliers, a post which he had held ever since.
He sat behind a very large table, with Captain Sandeman, his adjutant,
standing beside him. Alf and Bill were marched in by the regimental
sergeant-major, an unctuous person very different from the martinet who
controlled the 5th Battalion at the front.
"Private Higgins, sir, and Private Grant," he announced--as who should
say, "Mr. and Mrs. Platt-Harcourt, my lady!"
"Higgins!" repeated the Colonel, gazing ferociously at Alf from under
his beetling eyebrows. "Higgins! Higgins!!"
"Yessir!" said Alf, thinking that confirmation was being required.
"Be quiet!" roared Colonel Watts, with such suddenness that Alf took a
step backwards in alarm. "And stand still!"
"Stand still, man, and only speak when you are spoken to," said the
oily voice of the R.S.M. in Alf's ear.
The colonel fixed the unfortunate Alf with a protruding eye, and
continued his baleful glare until his victim was on the very verge of
crying out. His one idea seemed to be to intimidate Alf; he paid no
attention whatever to Bill, who was standing stiffly to attention, his
eyes fixed in a lack-luster stare on the wall above the adjutant's head.
"Well?" the C.O. ground out at last between his teeth. The
sergeant-major gave a consequential little cough and signed to the
sergeant of the guard to give his evidence.
"These men arrived 'ere, sir, in the early hours of this mornin',
about four o'clock, and failed to give any satisfactory account of
themselves. They 'ad no kit, sir, an' no passes. They state that they
'ave been transferred to us from the Expeditionary Force, sir, but they
'ave no papers to prove it."
"Good God!" shouted the colonel. "This is disgraceful. More
incompetence! If I've written one letter complaining of this kind of
thing I've written a dozen. Men come here without papers, without kit,
without orders, and expect us to look after 'em. The Army in France is
one mass of incompetent fools, in my opinion. It's a scandal, Sandeman."
The adjutant said nothing. The C.O. hardly seemed to expect him to, for
he swept on without a pause.
"If I'd my way, I'd scrap the whole lot of 'em, and have a few men who
know their jobs put in instead. No papers, no nothing. Disgraceful!
Where's your kit, man?"
Alf, finding that this question also was addressed to him, and having
no reply ready, merely gaped.
"Speak up!" bawled the Colonel.
"L--l--lost it, sir."
The C.O. dashed his pen violently on to his desk, where it stuck
quivering on its point, turned round in his chair and silently eyed his
adjutant for ten palpitating seconds.
"D'ye hear that, Sandeman? He's lost it. Good God! What are we coming
to?... The Government has fitted him out with a complete set of kit and
he's lost it ... and how," he vociferated, turning round once more with
such unexpected speed that Alf once more gave back a pace. "How d'you
mean to tell me you lost it, eh?"
But Alf's inventive powers were exhausted, and Bill judged it time, at
whatever risk to life and limb, to take a speaking part in the little
drama.
"Overboard, sir, in the Channel," he said, without removing his eye
from the wall. "Off of a ship," he added as an afterthought, in order
that there should be no misunderstanding possible.
Colonel Watts appeared to regard this as the last straw. For a moment
he seemed unable to articulate at all, and the hue of his countenance
deepened through successive shades till it finally arrived at a
congested purple. He hammered on his desk with his fist.
"I will not have my valuable time wasted in this way!" he roared.
"Bring these men before me to-morrow, sergeant-major, and if I can't
get a coherent account of them from some one, there'll be trouble.
Incompetent fools!"
He puffed passionately out of the orderly-room and slammed the door,
leaving it uncertain whether his last remark was addressed only to
Alf and Bill, or whether it was not rather intended to include the
adjutant, the R.S.M., the sergeant of the guard and the impassive
privates acting as prisoners' escort. He was to be heard faintly
outside in unkind criticism of the sentry's method of presenting arms.
Then there was silence, and a general feeling as though the sun had
come out.
"Prisoners and escort," began the R.S.M. "Right-TURN!
Quick...."
"Wait, sergeant-major," said Captain Sandeman quietly. "I want to ask
these men a question or two. Send the escort off."
Bill's heart sank. Captain Sandeman had lost the air of passive
indifference which he wore as protective armor in the presence of
Colonel Watts. He looked horribly intelligent and wide-awake.
"Now, listen to me," he said. "I don't understand your case at all. Are
you rejoining from hospital?"
"No, sir. From the front. Transferred, sir."
"But why? And where are your papers?"
"Didn't 'ave no papers, sir. We was just told to report 'ere. The
papers is comin' by post, I think, sir."
"Um. Which is your battalion, and company?"
"The fifth, sir--'C' Comp'ny."
Bill was beginning to realize that Eustace had, in his muddle-headed
way, landed them in a very tight corner. He would have lied had he
dared; but he knew that there must be scores of men serving now with
the Reserve who had known both himself and Alf at the front.
"That's Captain Richards' company, isn't it?"
"Yessir. But the Captain went away on a course yesterday, sir, and
Lieutenant Donaldson is in command now."
"_Yesterday?_ How d'you know that?"
Bill had seen his slip as soon as he made it.
"I 'eard 'e was goin' before I left, sir," he answered readily.
"Um. And you don't know why you've been sent back?"
"No, sir."
Captain Sandeman became suddenly stern.
"There is something very irregular about the whole business," he said.
"I don't see how you can possibly have got across the Channel in any
legitimate way without papers. The whole thing looks most fishy, and it
seems to me that you two men are asking for very serious trouble. Now,
I warn you, I give you an opportunity now of telling me all about it;
but if you persist in that story about being transferred without any
papers, I'll have to keep you safe here till I can find out the truth
from Mr. Donaldson. Now, what have you to say?"
"Nothing, sir," said Bill quickly. For one moment he was afraid that
Alf was going to lose his head and tell the incredible truth; he shot a
glance of warning at his mate, who subsided; and the adjutant waited in
vain for an answer to his appeal.
"Very well," he said. "Put 'em in the cells, sergeant-major."
The two unfortunates were accordingly marched away and were once more
handed over to the sergeant of the guard.
"Cells for these two beauties, an' keep 'em safe, or it'll be worse for
you. Deserters they look like. It's a court-martial case."
Alf quaked at this realization of his worse fears, while even Bill
looked concerned.
"I've on'y one cell, sir," said the sergeant of the guard.
"Very well. Shove 'em in together. Can't be helped."
The R.S.M. went off.
The instant the key turned on the two men, Alf produced the Button and
rubbed it.
"What wouldst thou have?" began Eustace, his deep voice reverberating
round the little cell. "I am...."
"Stop it--they'll 'ear you!"
"They 'ave 'eard 'im," whispered Bill. "Quick, Alf."
The sergeant, who had heard the rumbling voice, was already fumbling
with the stiff lock.
"Take us away," whispered Alf in trembling tones. "Anywhere out of
'ere. QUICK!"
Before the sergeant had opened the door the whole camp had faded from
their view, and the two found themselves in a desolate waste, faced by
a very puzzled and indignant djinn.
"Lumme, that was a near squeak!" gasped Alf.
"Yes," said Bill. He addressed Eustace in heated tones. "What the 'ell
did you want to go an' land us in a mess like that for? Didn't Mr.
'Iggins say as plain as print it was a transfer we wanted. Don't you
know nothing at all?"
"It's always the same," put in Alf parenthetically. "No common sense.
Too slap-dash an' 'olesale."
But Eustace was ignorant of the nature of his offense. He was conscious
only that he had had to be called in at a desperate crisis to rescue
his master from danger. He was full of indignation at such sacrilege.
"Lord!" he said. "Command me that I should go to that impious one and
instantly reduce him to ashes--both him and his family and all that are
about him. Ill beseemeth it that any should lay impious hands upon the
Lord of the Button, and live."
"'E's a bloodthirsty customer, ain't 'e?" said Bill in awed admiration.
"Talk about 'olesale! Look 'ere, Eustace, you'll be getting us into
'orrible trouble if you don't look out. What was it you wanted to
do--reduce the R.S.M. to ashes? We're in a bad enough 'ole as it is,
but that would fair put the lid on. You wants to be a little more up
to date. Me an' Mr. 'Iggins is on'y privates, you know; an' if we get
monkeyin' with sergeant-majors there'll be 'ell on for all of us."
"Verily," said the djinn in perplexed tones, "I do not understand thy
speech. Ill beseemeth it that any man should presume to order the
comings and the goings of the Lord of the Button. Bid me abase this
proud upstart, and thou shalt rule in his stead."
"No, thank you," said Alf. "I don't want to be no bloomin' orficer. I'm
a plain man, I am. You see, Eustace, it's like this. In this 'ere war,
every one's fightin'--soldiers an' civilians an' all. Now, I'm not a
soldier by trade--fruit and vegetable salesman I am. So I 'as to obey
the orficers an' the sergeants, 'cos they knows the job. If they'd come
into the fruit an' vegetables not knowin' a carrot from a crisantlemum,
they'd 'ave 'ad to obey me. See?"
"I don't think!" put in Bill. "Look 'ere, Eustace, your job's to get
us out o' this 'ere mess. Just through yer bloomin' ignorance you're
landed us in a proper 'ole. 'Ere we are; we've deserted from the
front, an' we've broken arrest in the Reserve Battalion. 'Ow are we
goin' to get out o' that, eh?"
Alf made a tentative suggestion, his mind on Colonel Watts.
"Better go back to France, 'adn't we?"
"I sh'd think we _'ad_." Bill's hopeless nostalgia of the day before
was entirely forgotten. "Why, I'd sooner stay in France the rest o' the
war than serve under that blighter we was before this mornin'. 'E was a
corker."
"But if we're deserters," said Alf dismally, "'ow can we go back?
Wouldn't they shoot us?"
Bill looked at his watch.
"Why, it's on'y ten o'clock now," he said. "They'd find we was gone at
revally, so we've on'y been away about four hours. What's four hours
when the battalion's restin'? They can't do much to us."
"Might stop our leave."
"True for you. So they might. Now, what can we ...? I got it. 'Ere,
Eustace, put us down about 'arf a mile from the camp in France, will
you? Alf, you tell 'im. 'E won't do it for me."
Alf complied. The familiar flat landscape reappeared before them and
they welcomed it almost with joy.
"Now," said Bill impressively, "tell 'im to 'op over into the Boche
lines an' bring us a prisoner. An' mind, none of 'is 'olesale ways!
'E'll bring a 'ole army corps over if you don't look out, an' then we'd
look silly. Just one, tell 'im--a officer."
In a moment a fat and haughty-looking German officer stood beside them.
When he saw the khaki tunics, his hand went to his side, but the two
Tommies flung themselves upon him.
"Get 'is revolver, Alf," panted Bill. "That's the ticket. Now then,
'ands up, Fritz. You come with us. You're our blinkin' alibi."
"What are you?" asked the Boche, in excellent English. "You have, I
suppose, escaped from your cage. I warn you, you English dogs, to be
more respectful to your superiors. When you are caught it shall go hard
with you. That a common English swine shall call _me_ Fritz."
"Nothin' to what you'll be called in a minute if you don't be'ave. Alf,
I b'lieve the pore blighter thinks 'e's still in 'is own lines. What a
sell for 'im."
"Come on, Bochie," said Alf, his finger on the trigger of the revolver.
"Quick march."
"I will not move," declared the prisoner sullenly. "You cannot escape.
There are men of mine on every side. Give me the revolver and I will
see that you are not punished--much."
"Thank you for nothing," said Bill. "These 'ere are the British lines
you're in, Fritz dear, an' you're our prisoner--see?"
The German, who still failed to grasp the situation, broke into a
torrent of abuse and threats.
"Ain't 'e the little gentleman," said Alf in admiration.
Bill suddenly lost patience.
"'Ere," he said. "Let's kill 'im an' get another one. I can't stand
'ere arguin' all day. For one thing, the longer we stays away the
bigger row we gets into. Now, Fritz, take yer choice. Will you come
quiet, or will you 'ave a nice cheap funeral?"
The German, seeing that Bill was in earnest, and believing that his
rescue could not be long delayed, marched stiffly off with a very
bad grace. His astonishment was pitiable when he found himself being
marched through little knots and groups of staring figures in khaki to
a British camp. His bombastic air disappeared, and his knees sagged
under him.
"Thought you'd 'ave a shock before long, Fritz," said Bill. "Comes o'
not believin' a gentleman's word. Step lively, now. We're just 'ome,
an' I want you to look yer best. After this," he added in an undertone
to Alf, "they can't say very much to us, anyway."
Bill was right. In the excitement caused by their dramatic return, the
authorities forgot to make any inquiry into the unauthorized absence of
the heroes of the hour.