CONFLICT.
"O Life, O Beyond,
_Art_ thou fair!--_art_ thou sweet?"
MRS. BROWNING.
There followed days that almost won Faith back into her outward life of
pleasantness.
Margaret came over with Madam Rushleigh, and felicitated herself and
friend, impetuously. Paul's mother thanked her for making her son happy.
Old Mr. Rushleigh kissed her forehead with a blessing. And Mr. and Mrs.
Gartney looked upon their daughter as with new eyes of love. Hendie rode
the black horse every day, and declared that "everything was just as
jolly as it could be!"
Paul drove her out, and walked with her, and talked of his plans, and
all they would do and have together.
And she let herself be brightened by all this outward cheer and promise,
and this looking forward to a happiness and use that were to come. But
still she shrank and trembled at every loverlike caress, and still she
said, fearfully, every now and then:
"Paul--I don't feel as you do. What if I don't love you as I ought?"
And Paul called her his little oversensitive, conscientious Faithie, and
persuaded himself and her that he had no fear--that he was quite
satisfied.
When Mr. Armstrong came to see her, gravely and tenderly wishing her
joy, and looked searchingly into her face for the pure content that
should be there, she bent her head into her hands, and wept.
She was very weak, you say? She ought to have known her own mind better?
Perhaps. I speak of her as she was. There are mistakes like these in
life; there are hearts that suffer thus, unconscious of their ail.
The minister waited while the momentary burst of emotion subsided, and
something of Faith's wonted manner returned.
"It is very foolish of me," she said, "and you must think me very
strange. But, somehow, tears come easily when one has been feeling a
great deal. And such kind words from you touch me."
"My words and thoughts will always be kind for you, my child. And I know
very well that tears may mean sweeter and deeper things than smiles. I
will not try you with much talking now. You have my affectionate wishes
and my prayers. If there is ever any help that I can give, to you who
have so much loving help about you, count on me as an earnest friend,
always."
The hour was past when Faith, if she could ever, could have asked of him
the help she did most sorely need.
And so, with a gentle hand clasp, he went away.
Mr. Gartney began to be restless about Michigan. He wanted to go and see
this wild estate of his. He would have liked to take his wife, now that
haying would soon be over, and he could spare the time from his farm,
and make it a pleasant summer journey for them both. But he could
neither leave Faith, nor take her, well, it seemed. Hendie might go.
Fathers always think their boys ready for the world when once they are
fairly out of the nursery.
One day, Paul came to Cross Corners with news.
Mr. Rushleigh had affairs to be arranged and looked to, in New
York--matters connected with the mills, which had, within a few weeks,
begun to run; he had been there, once, about them; he could do all quite
well, now, by letter, and an authorized messenger; he could not just now
very well leave Kinnicutt. Besides, he wanted Paul to see and know his
business friends, and to put himself in the way of valuable business
information. Would Faith spare him for a week or two--he bade his son to
ask.
Madam Rushleigh would accompany Paul; and before his return he would go
with his mother to Saratoga, where her daughter Gertrude and Mrs. Philip
Rushleigh were, and where he was to leave her for the remainder of their
stay.
Margaret liked Kinnicutt better than any watering-place; and she and her
father had made a little plan of their own, which, if Faith would go
back with him, they would explain to her.
So Faith went over to Lakeside to tea, and heard the plan.
"We are going to make our first claim upon you, Faith," said the elder
Mr. Rushleigh, as he led his daughter-in-law elect out on the broad
piazza under the Italian awnings, when the slight summer evening repast
was ended. "We want to borrow you, while madam and the yonker are gone.
Your father tells me he wishes to make a Western journey. Now, why not
send him off at this very time? I think your mother intends accompanying
him?"
"It had been talked of," Faith said; "and perhaps her father would be
very glad to go when he could leave her in such good keeping. She would
tell him what Mr. Rushleigh had been so kind as to propose."
It was a suggestion of real rest to Faith--this free companionship with
Margaret again, in the old, girlish fashion--and the very thoughtful
look, that was almost sad, which had become habitual to her face, of
late, brightened into the old, careless pleasure, as she spoke.
Old Mr. Rushleigh saw something in this that began to seem to him more
than mere maidenly shyness.
By and by, Margaret called her brother to sing with her.
"Come, Faithie," said Paul, drawing her gently by the hand. "I can't
sing unless you go, too."
Faith went; more, it seemed, of his will, than her own.
"How does that appear to you?" said Mr. Rushleigh to his wife. "Is it
all right? Does the child care for Paul?"
"Care!" exclaimed the mother, almost surprised into too audible speech.
"How can she help caring? And hasn't it grown up from childhood with
them? What put such a question into your head? I should as soon think of
doubting whether I cared for you."
It was easier for the father to doubt, jealously, for his son, than for
the mother to conceive the possibility of indifference in the woman her
boy had chosen.
"Besides," added Mrs. Rushleigh, "why, else, should she have accepted
him? I _know_ Faith Gartney is not mercenary, or worldly ambitious."
"I am quite sure of that, as well," answered her husband. "It is no
doubt of her motive or her worth--I can't say it is really a doubt of
anything; but, Gertrude, she must not marry the boy unless her whole
heart is in it! A sharp stroke is better than a lifelong pain."
"I'm sure I can't tell what has come over you! She can't ever have
thought of anybody else! And she seems quite one of ourselves."
"Yes; that's just the uncertainty," replied Mr. Rushleigh. "Whether it
isn't as much Margaret, and you and I, as Paul. Whether she fully knows
what she is about. She can't marry the family, you know. We shall die,
and go off, and Heaven knows what; Paul must be the whole world to her,
or nothing. I hope he hasn't hurried her--or let her hurry herself."
"Hurry! She has had years to make up her mind in!"
Mrs. Rushleigh, woman as she was, would not understand.
"We shall go, in three days," said Paul, when he stood in the moonlight
with Faith at the little white gate under the elms, after driving her
home; "and I must have you all the time to myself, until then!"
Faith wondered if it were right that she shouldn't quite care to be "had
all the time to himself until then"? Whether such demonstrativeness and
exclusiveness of affection was ever a little irksome to others as to
her?
Faith thought and questioned, often, what other girls might feel in
positions like her own, and tried to judge herself by them; it
absolutely never occurred to her to think how it might have been if
another than Paul had stood in this relation toward herself.
The young man did not quite have his own way, however. His father went
down to Mishaumok on one of the three days, and left him in charge at
the mills; and there were people to see, and arrangements to make; but
some part of each day he did manage to devote to Faith, and they had
walking and driving together, and every night Paul stayed to tea at
Cross Corners.
On the last evening, they sat together, by the hillside door, in the
summer parlor.
"Faithie," said Paul, a little suddenly, "there is something you must do
for me--do you know?"
"What is it?" asked Faith, quite calmly.
"You must wear this, now, and keep the forget-me-not for a guard."
He held her hand, that wore the ring, in one of his, and there was a
flash of diamonds as he brought the other toward it.
Then Faith gave a quick, strange cry.
"I can't! I can't! Oh, Paul! don't ask me!" And her hand was drawn from
the clasp of his, and her face was hidden in both her own.
Paul drew back--hurt, silent.
"If I could only wait!" she murmured. "I don't dare, yet!"
She could wear the forget-me-not, as she wore the memory of all their
long young friendship, it belonged to the past; but this definite pledge
for the future--these diamonds!
"Do you not quite belong to me, even yet?" asked Paul, with a
resentment, yet a loving and patient one, in his voice.
"I told you," said Faith, "that I would try--to be to you as you wish;
but Paul! if I couldn't be so, truly?--I don't know why I feel so
uncertain. Perhaps it is because you care for me too much. Your thought
for me is so great, that mine, when I look at it, never seems worthy."
Paul was a man. He could not sue, too cringingly, even for Faith
Gartney's love.
"And I told you, Faith, that I was satisfied to be allowed to love you.
That you should love me a little, and let it grow to more. But if it is
not love at all--if I frighten you, and repel you--I have no wish to
make you unhappy. I must let you go. And yet--oh, Faith!" he cried--the
sternness all gone, and only the wild love sweeping through his heart,
and driving wild words before it--"it can't be that it is no love, after
all! It would be too cruel!"
At those words, "I must let you go," spoken apparently with calmness, as
if it could be done, Faith felt a bound of freedom in her soul. If he
would let her go, and care for her in the old way, only as a friend! But
the strong passionate accents came after; and the old battle of doubt
and pity and remorse surged up again, and the cloud of their strife
dimmed all perception, save that she was very, very wretched.
She sobbed, silently.
"Don't let us say good-by, so," said Paul. "Don't let us quarrel. We
will let all wait, as you wish, till I come home again."
So he still clung to her, and held her, half bound.
"And your father, Paul? And Margaret? How can I let them receive me as
they do--how can I go to them as I have promised, in all this
indecision?"
"They want you, Faith, for your own sake. There is no need for you to
disappoint them. It is better to say nothing more until we do know. I
ask it of you--do not refuse me this--to let all rest just here; to make
no difference until I come back. You will let me write, Faith?"
"Why, yes, Paul," she said, wonderingly.
It was so hard for her to comprehend that it could not be with him, any
longer, as it had been; that his written or his spoken word could not
be, for a time, at least, mere friendly any more.
And so she gave him, unwittingly, this hope to go with.
"I think you _do_ care for me, Faith, if you only knew it!" said he,
half sadly and very wistfully, as they parted.
"I do care, very much," Faith answered, simply and earnestly. "I never
can help caring. It is only that I am afraid I care so differently from
you!"
She was nearer loving him at that moment, than she had ever been.
Who shall attempt to bring into accord the seeming contradictions of a
woman's heart?