THE DUNKIN ACT.--A DISCUSSION IN WHICH STRONG LANGUAGE IS USED.
"I say, Judge, I hear they are about to try and carry the Dunkin
Act in this county, and I guess they will succeed, for I think
there are a sufficient number of fools and fanatical humbugs to
carry anything. What is your opinion in regard to it?"
The speaker was Sheriff Bottlesby, and the question was asked in
one of the private rooms of the Bayton House--a house that was
kept by Charles Rivers, Esq., and it was looked upon as the most
respectable hotel in town.
There were assembled there at this time Judge McGullet, Sheriff
Botttesby, Captain McWriggler, who was an aspirant for the
position of M.P., and whose only hope of success was in gaining
the whiskey vote. There were also present Charles Dalton, Charles
Sealey, Esq. (a prominent magistrate), Stanley Ginsling, and a
retired captain--late of the British service--who rejoiced in the
name of Timothy Flannigan. He kept a second-class tavern in
Bayton, which was known as the "Crown Hotel."
"Well," said the judge, "you ask me a question which you should
not expect me, situated as I am, to answer. But," he continued
with a chuckle, "I will say it may, but if it succeeds here this
will be the first place it has ever done so."
"Yes, it may," said Ginsling, "and elephants may fly, but they are
not likely-looking birds. I have too high an opinion of the men of
this county to believe they will give away their manhood. But if its
advocates do succeed in their fanatical endeavours it will be a
_brutem fulmen_. No true man will be weak enough to be bound
by it. No man, or set of men, has a right to dictate to me what I
shall eat or drink, and a man who would submit to it is a fool and
a slave."
Dr. Dalton, who had been indulging very freely in drink, and had
arrived at that stage when men are generally demonstrative,
started up the refrain:
"Britons never, never shall be slaves."
"If any man could be a greater slave than you are, Dalton, his
condition would be worse than any nigger I ever came across in the
south. A fellow that can't take a glass of liquor with a friend,
without getting beastly drunk, is about the worst specimen of a
slave a man could even imagine. It is men like you that furnish
the teetotal fanatics with their strongest arguments, and because
of such fellows sensible men must suffer."
The words of Bottlesby had a magical effect upon Dalton, and he
seemed to become sober in a moment. He sprang to his feet, his
eyes flashed fire, and cutting, stinging words came to his lips.
"I am no greater slave than you are, Bottlesby," he said; "and, if
I were, you are the last man in the world should taunt me with the
fact. You know you drink twice the quantity of liquor that I do,
and if you don't get drunk, it is because it does not find any
brain to expend its strength upon. Whiskey attacks a man in his
most prominent point, which, in your case, is your stomach. Men of
genius like Savage, Goldsmith, Sheridan, Poe and others, it
attacked their brains and made madmen of them; but it always soaks
into a fool, because he is soft and porous like a sponge; and any
man at a look would place you among the latter. Why, sir, you are
at present full to the eyebrows, and your nose is a danger-signal
to warn all young men to keep out of your track. It would have
been well for me if I had heeded the warning."
"Dalton," said Bottlesby, emphasizing his remarks with expletives
that can have no place here, "I want no more of your insults, and
if you don't shut up I'll make you. I won't be insulted by a
drunken blackguard like you, without resenting it. If it were not
that I don't wish to disgrace my office and the company I am in, I
would wring your neck."
"It is a good thing for you," said Dalton sardonically, "that
those weighty considerations keep you from undertaking a contract
you might not successfully complete. The government must have lost
sight of the dignity of the office, or you would never have got
the appointment. Your consideration of your office and the company
you are in remind me of Pompey's, who, when he was asked why he
ran from a battle, gave as his reason 'that he knew the rebs too
well to have anything to do with such a pesky lot, and den,' he
added, 'back, of dis dare is a pusonal consideration.' I wouldn't
wonder if back of your other considerations there is one of a
personal nature. Why, man, if you were even to touch me with your
finger, in anger, I would leave you so you would have to employ a
sub to draw your pay and drink your whiskey, which is your
principal occupation at present."
"Come now, Charley," said Rivers, coming in between the two, who
were standing in a threatening attitude and glaring at each other,
"don't be so fast and rash; and, Sheriff, there is no sense in
getting up, a row. How would it sound if it got out that there was
a fight at the Bayton House between Dr. Dalton and Sheriff
Bottlesby, and that Judge McGullet and Captain McWriggler were
there to see fair play. If you are both very desirous to have your
names figuring in the papers as participants in such a disgraceful
brawl, you had better retire to some other quarters, as I am
determined it shall not take place in my establishment, if I can
hinder it."
"I'll be blowed! but it would be as good as a circus, wouldn't it
though?" observed Ginsling. "I wonder who would act as Her
Majesty's representative, to vindicate the honor of outraged
justice, if our sheriff happened to be the principal in a case of
aggravated assault, and our judge had to be subpoened as a witness
for the Crown!"
"Be jabers, boys, go on!" said Captain Flannigan; "I havn't seen a
dacent fight for a twelvemonth, barring a skirmish in which I
meself was somewhat interested. You may desarn traces of it here."
And, suiting the action to the word, he pointed to his eye, which
was slightly discolored. "I had an argument with Bill Duffy
yesterday, and he became so excited he emphasized his remarks by
giving me a blow in the eye; but I soon demonstrated, to his
complate satisfaction, that if he came to that style of argument I
could make two points to his one, and put them in much more
emphatically. He has kept to his room since to ponder the matter
over. Now, boys, the best thing you can do is to take a walk out
of town, and settle the matter dacently; but don't stop here,
scolding like a couple of fishwives. Or put it off now and settle
it after--there would be no nade for it to go any farther."
"As far as I am concerned, I am willing to settle it now or any
other time," said Dalton.
Judge McGullet, who had been quietly listening, now spoke.
"I should think," he said, "you fellows have exhibited enough
foolishness for one scene; it is about time for a change. I did
not think you were capable of making such asses of yourselves. You
were saying, Sheriff, before you entered into your extremely
interesting conversation with Dalton, that the teetotalers were
about to try and carry the Dunkin Act in this county. Well, if you
desire to ensure them complete success, just have a brawl, and
have the present company figuring in the papers as either
participating in the row or of being present when it took place.
You know they are extremely verdant, as well as what you term
fanatical, and they are not likely to make any capital out of such
a muss! Come, now, sit down, and act like rational beings."
The two men sank into their seats, but grumbling as they did, and
each muttering he would yet have satisfaction.
"Boys, will yez just kape quiet for a minute, until I sing a song?
and then the fellow that won't drink to the health of every man
present, and be willing to shake hands with each and every one in
this dacent company--well, then, Tim Flannigan will recognize him
as a friend no more for ever!"
"Come, Rivers, fill up our glasses, and prove that your name is
not a misnomer, by furnishing this thirsty crowd with something to
drink."
Rivers, after taking their orders, brought in the liquor, and then
they all clamored for Flannigan to give them his song. "And we
want you to give us one of your own, Captain."
"Yes, yes, Captain," they all shouted; "give us a war song of your
own composition."
Now this was something that would please Flannigan exceedingly,
for he imagined he was quite a poet. He had written some wretched
doggerel, in which he had endeavored to embody his thoughts of
persons and of personal experiences during the war. He actually
thought the wretched stuff was equal to the best efforts of "Tom"
Moore. And if any one wished especially to flatter him he would
best accomplish his purpose by asking him to sing one of his own
songs. Those who knew him were well aware of this, and often
enjoyed a good laugh at the expense of his vanity. This accounts
for the clamorous call he received to give them a song of his own
composition.
Flannigan cleared his throat. "Ye do me honor," he said; "but I
shall be happy to plase ye. I will at this time give yez the song
I composed when I quit the sarvice and had made up my mind to come
to Canada." He then, in high cracked notes, sang:
THE SOLDIER'S FAREWELL!
I'll put by my musket,
Also my red coat;
On war and its glory
I'll no longer gloat.
CHO.--I'll go to the land
Of the green maple tree;
Whose emblem's the baver,
Whose paple are free.
No thoughts of ambition
Inspires now my breast.
My solduring's o'er--
In peace I'll now rest.--_Cho._
And now I heed not
The trumpet or drum.
My battles are ended--
No more will now come.--_Cho._
They greeted his song with uproarious applause, which he drank in
as a genuine tribute to his genius as a poet, and also to his
power in the realm of song.
It was really strange that a man with his, in some respects, sharp
intellect and native wit, should be so weak as to imagine the
trash he jumbled together was poetry, and thus leave himself open
to be laughed at by even his own cronies. But it is said we all
have a weak point--this was his.
After the applause which greeted his song had somewhat subsided,
he said: "Come, now, each man of you saze his glass and let us
drink to the toast--'Prosperity to our cause, and bad luck to the
Dunkinites.'" After they had all drunk, he said: "Now, boys, let
us have a talk of these cold-water men."
"If they are 'cold-water' men, as you contemptuously dub them,
you'll find they will fight like heroes for what they believe to
be right," remarked Dr. Dalton.
"Well," answered Flannigan, "they may, Charley; but I am tould
they go in for petticoat government, for the best man among them
is a woman. If such be the case we are not worth much if we let
them bate us."
They all joined in a laugh at Flannigan's Hibernianism.
"That is a genuine Irish bull, Captain," said Sealy. "But as we
are here we may as well have an informal talk as to the best
course to pursue in the present contingency. In my opinion, it is
our best policy not to make a very strong fight this time. I would
be for almost letting them have a walk over. And then when they
think the victory is theirs, I would commence the real battle.
After it becomes law I would sell whiskey just the same as ever,
and entice all the bummers in the country to drink and have a
regular drunken carnival. You will not have to pay any license, so
you will be able to stand being fined a time or two. But I can
tell you what it is, boys, they will have a hard time to convict.
From my experience--and it has been considerable--I have learned
it is a pretty difficult thing to worm the truth out of unwilling
witnesses. Then there is another thing in your favor, the majority
of the magistrates have no sympathy with this movement. I would
therefore badger and bother them all I could, and have free trade
in whiskey; and after the people are thoroughly disgusted I would
go in for repeal. I saw Jobson, the President of the Licensed
Liquor Sellers' Association, the other day, and when I suggested
this course to him he said he thought it would be the wisest one
to pursue. Have you heard from him, Rivers?"
"Yes, I received a letter yesterday," answered Rivers. "And I have
notified the members of the association in the county to meet here
on Saturday, when I shall use my influence to get them to play a
waiting game, and then, when the time comes, we will force the
fighting."
"I think that will be the wisest policy," said the sheriff.
"If the Act is carried, there will be whiskey enough drunk here to
satisfy Bacchus himself. We won't have to fight our battles
without assistance, as we have had promised to us all the money
that is really necessary from the outside. The Licensed Liquor
Sellers' Association will supply all the needful we want. And if
we don't flood this county with whiskey, then you may call Charley
Rivers a liar. They may have a chance to chuckle for a while, but
we'll be more than even with them yet."
"Your craft is in danger," sneered Dalton, who, though he was such
a slave to liquor, sympathised with the temperance party and
constantly manifested his sympathy with them. "There is no doubt
but you will fight for your interest, no matter who suffers."
"Now, Charley, don't be raising another row," said Ginsling. "You
are as prickly as a hedgehog."
"What I say is the truth," he answered. "When the tavern-keepers
fight against the Dunkin Act they are fighting in company with
their father, the devil, and his angels, their brethren, against
the right. My sympathy is with the temperance party, for I know
that every one who really cares for me is among them, and my only
hope in this world and the world to come is in their success. If
there was no liquor to be got I might be a man yet."
"Well, if you sympathise with them you had better associate with
them. We would manage to exist without you."
Rivers spoke very angrily, for he was irritated almost beyond
endurance by the words and manner of Dr. Dalton.
"It is my intention to join them; so you had better not concoct
any more schemes in my presence; but I promise what I have heard
to-night shall never be repeated outside. Yes, I will join them;
for if I continue as I am the end is not far off, and God only
knows what that end will be."
"Come, Judge, let us go. I perceive you have about as large a
cargo as you can conveniently carry. You will not be fit for court
to-morrow, if you don't take time to sober off."
The judge had not been in the room during the time they were doing
the greater part of their talking, as he had been called out just
after he had replied to the sheriff; for though he sympathised
with them they would not have talked quite so freely in his
presence. In answer to Dalton he said:
"You will oblige me if you take care of yourself, Doctor, and
leave me to mind my own affairs. I--hic--hic--have an idea it is
just about as much as you can attend to, and I think I know what I
am doing."
The worthy judge then turned to the company and said: "Good night,
gentlemen. Don't all get drunk, or some of you may be more
formally introduced to me. Come, Doctor, if I leave you here there
is sure to be a row."
He then took the arm of Dalton, and bowed himself out, and as the
last bow he made was rather an elaborate effort, he lost his
equilibrium; and, if Dalton had not held him up, he might have
demonstrated that a judge could be lowly as well as learned.
When they were out of hearing, Rivers said: "I am glad that
fellow, Dalton, has gone. If the judge had not been with him I
would have kicked him out long ago. He has a sharp, impudent
tongue, when he has a mind to be ugly."
"Yes," said Sealy, "I am glad he has gone and taken the judge with
him; for, even though he was more than half-seas-over, he did not
wish to compromise himself by listening to our conversation upon
that subject. I think he was glad that Peters called him out."
"He is on our side, though," said Rivers, "and will use every
technicality that the law furnishes to baulk the fanatics and make
their efforts fruitless."