Equivocal Gentlemen! Pray, who are they? Why, they are rather a curious
class of persons. But if you are in the habit of noting character, we
rather think you must know them. They are to be seen in every city, and
almost in every town.
The equivocal gentleman has, in general manner and bearing, and, as far
as a very limited exchequer will allow, in dress also, a curious smack
of the real gentleman about him, of whom he is, altogether, a sort of
amusing caricature. His pretensions are high, very high, and, conscious
of the doubtfulness of his claims, always noisy and obtrusive. He
endeavours to bully the world into respect for him. But it won't do.
When he turns his back, the world winks one of its eyes, and says, with
a knowing smile, "that's a queer sort of chap." It does'nt, in fact,
know what to make of him--how to class him. It has, however, a pretty
good notion that, with all the equivocal gentleman's pretension, he has
by no means an unlimited command of the circulating medium.
And this is not an incorrect notion. Scarcity of funds is, in truth,
at the bottom of all the equivocal gentleman's difficulties, as,
indeed, it is of almost all those of every body else. He, however, may
be emphatically said to be born of a warfare between his poverty and
"gentility."
It is, of course, in the matter of dress that the equivocal gentleman
is most anxious to establish his claim to be considered a genuine
article; and it is in this matter, too, that his peculiar position in
the world is made most manifest; dress being in his particular case,
as it is less or more in all others, a strongly marked and faithful
expression of character.
The struggle here, then, to keep matters right, is dreadful. None
but himself knows how dreadful--none but himself knows the thousand
shifts and expedients he is compelled to have recourse to, to maintain
appearances in this most important and most troublesome department.
First, of the hat. It is a merciless and unfeeling hat; for it is
obstinately hastening to decay, though it well knows that its sorely
perplexed owner does _not_ know where on earth to get another. See what
a watching and tending it requires to keep it from becoming absolutely
unfit for the public eye, as the headpiece of a gentleman! Why, the
watching and tending of a new-born infant is nothing to it.
Consider how carefully it must be examined round and round every
morning, that no new outward symptom of decay has made itself manifest.
Consider the brushing, the smoothing down, the inking of corners and
rims, the coaxing and wheedling, by softly squeezing it this way, and
gently pulling it that, to induce it to keep as near as possible to
its original shape. Nay, desperate attempts may sometimes be detected
to make it assume yet a smarter form, in defiance of decay and
dilapidation.
Then, there is the stock. Stitching and inking again, with careful
daily supervision. Then there is---- But we need enlarge no further on
this part of our subject.
But, mark, reader! every thing about the equivocal gentleman is not in
this state of seediness. He would not be the equivocal gentleman at
all, if this were the case. Some of the particulars of his outward man
are good--in fact, stylish--and it is this incongruity that makes him
out, that makes him what he is, and which so much puzzles you to class
him when you see him.
The equivocal gentleman _always_ manages to have one or two of the
component parts of his dress of unimpeachable quality, but never can
manage to have the whole in this palmy state. There is always something
wrong--something below par; and, we may add, generally something
outré, absurd, or extravagant. Perfect consistency and propriety in
dress he never can attain, and perhaps would not, if he could; for
one of the most marked features of his character is a craving after
singularity, in the art and fashion of his habiliments.
Overlooking himself what partial deficiencies there may be in this
department of his entire man, and thinking that the world will overlook
them too, the equivocal gentleman affects the "bang up." He is not
content with desiring to impress beholders with the idea of his being
merely a respectable sort of person: he desires much more than this.
They must take him, if not certainly for a lord, at least for some
great personage--for a--a--he does not himself, in fact, well know
what--for a mysterious, indeterminate somebody, of mysterious and
indeterminate consequence.
There are two or three points in which the equivocal gentleman displays
a very remarkable degree of ingenuity. One of these consists in the
dexterity with which he not only conceals defects of dress, but
converts them into positive elegancies. Thus, if he have to button up
for want of a clean shirt, he contrives, by the very smart way in which
he does it, to make it appear not only to be matter of mere choice or
fancy, but, in fact, by much the genteeler thing.
But it is in the enacting of character that the equivocal gentleman
particularly shines.
Not having either the cash or the credit necessary to enable him to
adapt his dress to his identity, he is compelled to adapt his identity
to his dress. In other words, placing, for the reason alluded to,
little or no influence over the shape, fashion, or quality of his
clothes, but being obliged to conform to circumstances in this matter
to a most unpleasant extent--to wear, in short, whatever he can most
conveniently get--he is driven to the expedient of adapting his
character to the particular description of dress he may be wearing at
the time. Thus, if it is a short coat, he probably enacts the country
gentleman, or sporting character; if a braided surtout, then he is a
military man; if he is driven to hide the deficiencies of his other
garments by a cloak, he adds a cloth cap with tassels, frizzles up his
whiskers, and comes forth a Polish count; and so on of other varieties
of dress.
In person the equivocal gentleman is stout and robust, his age
somewhere about forty. He is bushy-whiskered, and affects a swaggering,
bold, off-hand manner, talks large to waiters, and looks with edifying
ferocity on every body.
This rabidness of disposition on the part of the equivocal gentleman
proceeds partly from his habit of attempting to bully the world into
a high opinion of his consequence, and partly from the irritation
produced by a constant dread that the world suspects the true state of
his case. It is thus partly affected, partly real.
Being always miserably short of funds, the equivocal gentleman
is necessarily much circumscribed in his enjoyments; and this is
particularly unfortunate, for he has a very keen relish for the good
things of this life. He likes good living, good drinking, good every
thing; but cruel fate has denied them to him, except in very limited
quantities, and on very rare occasions. If he even gets them at all,
it is by mere chance, mere casual accident. Occasionally it is by an
effort of ingenuity, through which he has contrived, by some mysterious
means or other, to get possession of a little of the circulating medium.
And pray, then, what _is_ the equivocal gentleman? What is he in
reality, and what does he do? How does he support himself? Why, friend,
these questions are a vast deal easier put than answered.
Just now, the equivocal gentleman is doing nothing--literally and
absolutely nothing. He was something or other at one time; but at this
moment, and for many years past, he has pursued no calling whatever.
The equivocal gentleman, in short, is a gentleman of shifts and
expedients. He has a little world of his own, in which he manoeuvres
for a living. Being rather respectably connected, his friends
occasionally remit him small sums, and these god-sends, few and far
between, and his own ingenuity, are all he has to depend upon.
The equivocal gentleman, notwithstanding the dashy appearance he aims
at, and the large style in which he speaks, is, we are sorry to say
it, a bit of a rogue in grain, and a good deal of one in practice:
he is, in short, somewhat of a scamp, partly from circumstances, and
partly from the natural bent of his genius, which is ever urging him
to take the shortest cuts towards the objects he desires to possess.
He is, in truth, a sort of human bird of prey; tailors, bootmakers,
and lodging-house keepers, being his favourite quarries, and the class
who, therefore, suffer most from his non-paying propensities. On one or
other of these he is ever and anon pouncing, and woe be to them if he
once gets them within his clutches: he will leave his mark, be sure, if
he does.
The tailor, the bootmaker, and the lodging-house keeper, again, knowing
that he is their natural enemy--and as well do they know him for this,
as the small bird does the hawk--stand in great awe of him; they have
an instinctive dread of him, and put themselves in a posture of defence
the moment they see him.
Our equivocal gentleman, in truth, lives in a constant state of warfare
similar to this with the whole world--not open hostility, perhaps, but
lurking, secret aversion. The world looks shyly and doubtfully on him,
and he looks fiercely and angrily on the world in return.
Amongst the two or three little foibles by which the equivocal
gentleman is distinguished, is a rather urgent propensity to strong
drink. He is, in fact, pretty considerably dissipated, as the florid
or brick-red face on which his luxuriant whiskers vegetate, but too
plainly indicates. He is not, indeed, always drunk; for his very
limited command of means keeps him, on the whole, pretty sober; but he
gets drunk when he can, and no gentleman can do more, nor can more be
reasonably expected of him.
The equivocal gentleman is a man of refined tastes, and hence it
is that he patronizes the drama. He is a great play-goer. On such
occasions he figures in the sixpenny gallery; and here he has a
difficult part to play, as difficult as any on the stage. He has to
make it appear to the gods, who wonder to see so fine a gentleman
amongst them, _why_ he has come to such a place, and at the same time
to parry the very natural conclusion, that it proceeds from a limited
exchequer, which he must on no account permit to be presumed for a
moment.
The way he manages this very ticklish point is this:--he assumes a look
at once dignified and supercilious, which look is meant to impress
you with the belief that his being in the shilling gallery, which he
generally enters at the half-price, is a mere freak, a whim of one who
could have gone to the boxes had he chosen--that he has come where he
is, just to see what sort of a place it is, what effect the actors and
the scenery have when seen from such a distance.
To confirm this impression, the equivocal gentleman never sits down
in the gallery: this would look like premeditated economy. He stands,
therefore, during the whole time of the performance, and stands aloof,
too, from the ragamuffin audience, with his arms folded on his breast,
and an expression of awful majesty on his brow.
Reader, do you know the equivocal gentleman now? We are sure you do.
That's he there! see--that odd-looking personage with the battered drab
hat, the flashy surtout, the shabby stock, the fashionable vest crossed
by a German silver chain, the questionable small-clothes, and the large
patch on his left boot.