To Georges Legrand.
Hardly a day goes by without our reading a news item like the following
in some newspaper:
“On Wednesday night the people living in No. 40 Rue de-----, were
awakened by two successive shots. The explosions seemed to come from the
apartment occupied by M. X----. The door was broken in and the man was
found bathed in his blood, still holding in one hand the revolver with
which he had taken his life.
“M. X----was fifty-seven years of age, enjoying a comfortable income,
and had everything necessary to make him happy. No cause can be found
for his action.”
What terrible grief, what unknown suffering, hidden despair, secret
wounds drive these presumably happy persons to suicide? We search, we
imagine tragedies of love, we suspect financial troubles, and, as
we never find anything definite, we apply to these deaths the word
“mystery.”
A letter found on the desk of one of these “suicides without cause,” and
written during his last night, beside his loaded revolver, has come into
our hands. We deem it rather interesting. It reveals none of those
great catastrophes which we always expect to find behind these acts of
despair; but it shows us the slow succession of the little vexations
of life, the disintegration of a lonely existence, whose dreams have
disappeared; it gives the reason for these tragic ends, which only
nervous and high-strung people can understand.
Here it is:
“It is midnight. When I have finished this letter I shall kill myself.
Why? I shall attempt to give the reasons, not for those who may read
these lines, but for myself, to kindle my waning courage, to impress
upon myself the fatal necessity of this act which can, at best, be only
deferred.
“I was brought up by simple-minded parents who were unquestioning
believers. And I believed as they did.
“My dream lasted a long time. The last veil has just been torn from my
eyes.
“During the last few years a strange change has been taking place within
me. All the events of Life, which formerly had to me the glow of a
beautiful sunset, are now fading away. The true meaning of things has
appeared to me in its brutal reality; and the true reason for love has
bred in me disgust even for this poetic sentiment: 'We are the eternal
toys of foolish and charming illusions, which are always being renewed.'
“On growing older, I had become partly reconciled to the awful mystery
of life, to the uselessness of effort; when the emptiness of everything
appeared to me in a new light, this evening, after dinner.
“Formerly, I was happy! Everything pleased me: the passing women, the
appearance of the streets, the place where I lived; and I even took an
interest in the cut of my clothes. But the repetition of the same sights
has had the result of filling my heart with weariness and disgust, just
as one would feel were one to go every night to the same theatre.
“For the last thirty years I have been rising at the same hour; and, at
the same restaurant, for thirty years, I have been eating at the same
hours the same dishes brought me by different waiters.
“I have tried travel. The loneliness which one feels in strange places
terrified me. I felt so alone, so small on the earth that I quickly
started on my homeward journey.
“But here the unchanging expression of my furniture, which has stood for
thirty years in the same place, the smell of my apartments (for, with
time, each dwelling takes on a particular odor) each night, these and
other things disgust me and make me sick of living thus.
“Everything repeats itself endlessly. The way in which I put my key in
the lock, the place where I always find my matches, the first object
which meets my eye when I enter the room, make me feel like jumping out
of the window and putting an end to those monotonous events from which
we can never escape.
“Each day, when I shave, I feel an inordinate desire to cut my throat;
and my face, which I see in the little mirror, always the same, with
soap on my cheeks, has several times made me weak from sadness.
“Now I even hate to be with people whom I used to meet with pleasure; I
know them so well, I can tell just what they are going to say and what
I am going to answer. Each brain is like a circus, where the same horse
keeps circling around eternally. We must circle round always, around the
same ideas, the same joys, the same pleasures, the same habits, the same
beliefs, the same sensations of disgust.
“The fog was terrible this evening. It enfolded the boulevard, where
the street lights were dimmed and looked like smoking candles. A heavier
weight than usual oppressed me. Perhaps my digestion was bad.
“For good digestion is everything in life. It gives the inspiration to
the artist, amorous desires to young people, clear ideas to thinkers,
the joy of life to everybody, and it also allows one to eat heartily
(which is one of the greatest pleasures). A sick stomach induces
scepticism unbelief, nightmares and the desire for death. I have often
noticed this fact. Perhaps I would not kill myself, if my digestion had
been good this evening.
“When I sat down in the arm-chair where I have been sitting every day
for thirty years, I glanced around me, and just then I was seized by
such a terrible distress that I thought I must go mad.
“I tried to think of what I could do to run away from myself. Every
occupation struck me as being worse even than inaction. Then I bethought
me of putting my papers in order.
“For a long time I have been thinking of clearing out my drawers; for,
for the last thirty years, I have been throwing my letters and bills
pell-mell into the same desk, and this confusion has often caused me
considerable trouble. But I feel such moral and physical laziness at the
sole idea of putting anything in order that I have never had the courage
to begin this tedious business.
“I therefore opened my desk, intending to choose among my old papers and
destroy the majority of them.
“At first I was bewildered by this array of documents, yellowed by age,
then I chose one.
“Oh! if you cherish life, never disturb the burial place of old letters!
“And if, perchance, you should, take the contents by the handful, close
your eyes that you may not read a word, so that you may not recognize
some forgotten handwriting which may plunge you suddenly into a sea of
memories; carry these papers to the fire; and when they are in ashes,
crush them to an invisible powder, or otherwise you are lost--just as I
have been lost for an hour.
“The first letters which I read did not interest me greatly. They were
recent, and came from living men whom I still meet quite often, and
whose presence does not move me to any great extent. But all at once
one envelope made me start. My name was traced on it in a large, bold
handwriting; and suddenly tears came to my eyes. That letter was from
my dearest friend, the companion of my youth, the confidant of my hopes;
and he appeared before me so clearly, with his pleasant smile and his
hand outstretched, that a cold shiver ran down my back. Yes, yes, the
dead come back, for I saw him! Our memory is a more perfect world than
the universe: it gives back life to those who no longer exist.
“With trembling hand and dimmed eyes I reread everything that he told
me, and in my poor sobbing heart I felt a wound so painful that I began
to groan as a man whose bones are slowly being crushed.
“Then I travelled over my whole life, just as one travels along a river.
I recognized people, so long forgotten that I no longer knew their
names. Their faces alone lived in me. In my mother's letters I saw again
the old servants, the shape of our house and the little insignificant
odds and ends which cling to our minds.
“Yes, I suddenly saw again all my mother's old gowns, the different
styles which she adopted and the several ways in which she dressed her
hair. She haunted me especially in a silk dress, trimmed with old lace;
and I remembered something she said one day when she was wearing this
dress. She said: 'Robert, my child, if you do not stand up straight you
will be round-shouldered all your life.'
“Then, opening another drawer, I found myself face to face with memories
of tender passions: a dancing-pump, a torn handkerchief, even a garter,
locks of hair and dried flowers. Then the sweet romances of my life,
whose living heroines are now white-haired, plunged me into the deep
melancholy of things. Oh, the young brows where blond locks curl, the
caress of the hands, the glance which speaks, the hearts which beat,
that smile which promises the lips, those lips which promise the
embrace! And the first kiss-that endless kiss which makes you close your
eyes, which drowns all thought in the immeasurable joy of approaching
possession!
“Taking these old pledges of former love in both my hands, I covered
them with furious caresses, and in my soul, torn by these memories, I
saw them each again at the hour of surrender; and I suffered a torture
more cruel than all the tortures invented in all the fables about hell.
“One last letter remained. It was written by me and dictated fifty years
ago by my writing teacher. Here it is:
“'MY DEAR LITTLE MAMMA:
“'I am seven years old to-day. It is the age of reason. I take
advantage of it to thank you for having brought me into this world.
“'Your little son, who loves you
“'ROBERT.'
“It is all over. I had gone back to the beginning, and suddenly I turned
my glance on what remained to me of life. I saw hideous and lonely old
age, and approaching infirmities, and everything over and gone. And
nobody near me!
“My revolver is here, on the table. I am loading it.... Never reread
your old letters!”
And that is how many men come to kill themselves; and we search in vain
to discover some great sorrow in their lives.