'Stand away, somewhere where you cannot see me.' And he hid his face as
I obeyed him.
I don't know if I stood long there by the fire, with my back towards
him, waiting, listening to the shuddering sobs that shook him. I could
not even pray, I could not feel the everlasting arms were underneath, I
only said in deep rebellion, 'This is not sent in love.' Once I heard
him sigh as if in answer to a question, 'Yes, if you wish it, Sir.' And
then a silence and the whisper of my name.
I was frightened at the exhausted look upon his face, and this time he
took the brandy, and when the dear, pain-clouded eyes had cleared a
little he whispered, and there were pauses in between the words now,--
'Sorry, darling--remember--your--funny char. Our Lady--of Ventre,
Meg--you see, "it's--my inside!" he said apologetically, and tried to
smile. 'Sponge me again--darling.'
Then he lay very quiet and tired, but presently grew a little stronger,
and said without opening his eyes,--
'It's true about the everlasting arms, Meg. I confessed to my Redeemer
and I'm shriven, tell daddy, don't forget. I had the Holy Communion,
darling. The Padre here is such a good chap. He lighted two tall
candles, but I couldn't blow 'em out, tell Aunt Amelia!' and his eyes
were twinkling when he opened them. Then he was quiet again, and after
a moment said,--
'He is so perfect if one even _tries_ to be dutiful. I do adore Him so.'
And then, 'Tell me about the garden.'
I told him all about the flowers, and which of the roses were in bloom,
and about Dame Nature making the scent, and what Toby had said about the
stork.
'And is he coming, Meg?'
'Oh, Ross, I think I've heard the faintest far-off flutter of his
wings.'
'Give him my love,' he whispered.
'Who, darling?' I inquired, thinking he hadn't understood.
'The little son,' he said.
Then he lay quiet, and as the day began to dawn his hands grew damp.
The shadows seemed to deepen on his face, and in his eyes there was a
strange and far-off look, as if he saw beyond the present time, and
gazed out into eternity. It was a very lovely, wondering look.
'Oh, all the pain has gone and somebody called me then; was it the
colonel, Meg?'
'But I could see the great change coming, and I said I didn't think it
was the colonel.
'There, he's called again, kiss me, darling, quickly; are you ready,
Sam?' he asked.
And then there broke a perfect glory on his face and in his eyes a look
of deep adoring love as, turning rapturously to me, he said,--
'Why, Meg, I heard the Lord!'
And so I quickly kneeled, because only his dear, dying ears had heard
the quiet entry of that radiant Presence in the room, as, with a little
rapturous intaking of his breath, he raised himself and said,--
'Yes, coming, Sir,' and saw his 'Picture,' The Beatific Vision.
And so the sister found us when she came; and as I folded the dear,
strong hands that never did an unkind act, across the quiet heart that
did 'adore Him so,' and closed the eyes which never looked at me except
in love, she said, gazing with misty eyes upon his peace-filled face,--
'We see many types; _he_ was a very gallant Christian gentleman.'
She took me to that little room I had first waited in.
'He left you very specially in my charge,' she said, 'because you've
been so ill. He asked me to keep you if I could till some one came to
fetch you home. There is a message just come through to say Sir Jasper
Fotheringham will be here at noon in time to take you to----'
'Oh, will it be so soon?'
'It must, you see there are so many,' and her face grew very tired.
'So, will you let me take care of you till then? See if you can rest.'
Presently when she went away, God gave me His great gift of tears.
When she came again, I asked for Sam, and, sitting down beside me on the
couch, she said,--
'I hardly know how to tell you, but just at dawn he died. He had been
very ill all night and wandering in his mind, and suddenly he called,
'Quite ready, Master Ross,' and--passed.'
But, not alone. Who dares to say that such a thing was chance, that
such a perfect happening was mere coincidence? I think his faithful
heart answered his earthly master's call, and the two walked up the
starry way together, with that sweet and gracious Presence in between.
Just before Uncle Jasper arrived the sister asked me if I would like to
see one of Ross's men. So the sergeant came of whom I had often heard;
he was very broken up. I asked him to tell me anything he could about
the end. I will try and put it down in his own words.
'We all knew how devoted Brown was to the captain. We didn't exactly
hate him ourselves, ma'am, but he was Brown's own personal property,
according to his view. He never would accept promotion as he wanted to
go on being his servant, and there was always trouble if any one wanted
to have a hand at cleaning up the captain's things or making him a bit
more comfortable, if you can be comfortable in hell, if you'll excuse
the word, ma'am. We used to call him Brown's Archbishop, if you'll not
think it a liberty for me to name it, ma'am?'
'Go on,' I said, 'I love to hear it.'
'Well, we was in a trench that night, with orders to hold on no matter
what it cost. The Germans got the range and we was pretty well wiped
out before they rushed it. We was all dead beat and wore out for want
of sleep. After they had rushed it, Captain Fotheringham got some of
the wounded and the last remaining men, only five, I think, together
where the trench was narrowest, and he told us again what the orders
was, and how we must still hold on, as time was everything, and that if
we could even now keep them back a bit the reliefs might come up and so
save a lot of lives. I could see he thought we hadn't got a dog's
chance by the kindness in his face. He put us men behind him, me next
to him, in case he fell, so that I could take command, and the two
corporals behind me, and Brown, being the only private, was at the back,
the last. We waited, we could hear the Huns coming down the trench,
doing their devil's work they was, killing the wounded as they lay.
Suddenly Brown pushed past me and the others and went and stood in front
of Captain Fotheringham.
'"Get behind me Brown," said the captain, thinking, I suppose, he hadn't
understood the order. He was not the type of officer men disobey
deliberate, ma'am. But Brown said,--
'"I will not, sir."
When the captain saw that Brown did not intend to move, all the kindness
went out of his eyes and his face hardened, and with a kind of fury he
said,--
'"Are you mad, Brown? Get behind me."
'"I will not, sir," said Brown again.
'The captain looked at him--you know how his eyes go when he's very
angry?
'"You refuse the order, Brown?"
'"Yes, I do, Master Ross."
'Then the captain's face suddenly softened and he said,--
'"The last one, after all the years, Sam?"
'"No, _because_ of all the years," said poor old Brown.
'Then we saw the Germans coming round the bend and the captain moved a
step or two forward where the trench was slightly wider, and for the
only time in all his soldier life he changed an order.
"Oh, you funny old ass, Sam, you can stand beside me, then."
'"Yes, sir, thank you, sir," said Brown; you know his funny way, ma'am.
'Never saw such shooting, absolutely deadly, first one shot and then the
other, till there was a pile of Germans blocking up the trench, and just
as the reliefs came up a shell came over and got them both.'
The sergeant's voice broke and he cried quite unashamedly.
Oh, can't you see them facing one another? Sam, with his life's devotion
in his eyes, defying Ross. King's Regulations and the Hickley Woods
striving for the last mastery: and then Sam, since he might not save his
master, glad that at least he could stand beside his life-long friend
and comrade, in that great and last adventure--taking equal odds.
Then Uncle Jasper came, and we left them lying side by side in that
quiet spot that is for ever England, with just a little wood-encircled
cross to mark the place.
Then we went back to Devonshire, to my old home, and I think my heart is
broken. I am acquainted with grief now, as daddy said I would be, but I
do not know _His_ love. I am rebellious, I can only feel His mastery in
my pain. I am not 'courteous,' as Ross was, or 'dutiful' like father,
for I have told that Man of Sorrows--the Master of the Universe--that He
has been very cruel to me.
*CHAPTER II*
'All which I took from thee I did but take
Not for thy harms.
But just that thou mightst seek it in my arms.'
_Hound of Heaven._
It seems such a coincidence that Ross just missed him after all, for
when we arrived at the Manor House I found my father! He had landed the
day before and heard the news from dear Aunt Constance. What a
homecoming for him! He is little changed, more bowed, perhaps, and he
looks older. His face seems more aloof, as if he had not only caught a
glimpse of that 'most holy thing,' but, like Sir Galahad, had 'achieved
the quest.'
He held his hand out to me as I went in, and said, 'My little girl.'
Then the others left us for awhile together. I do not think the years
out in that Mission have been easy ones, he looks as if he, like his
Lord, had suffered being tempted, and he sorrows deeply for his son. He
is so unselfish, so thoughtful, talks about the things that interest
Uncle Jasper, and takes away that terrible blank feeling. He even
laughs a little, though I don't think that his eyes have really smiled.
There is a hurt look in them, as there was when mother died.
Every one is very sweet to me, but I am the most wretched woman on this
earth! No, not because of Ross. How could I be for him, after seeing
his face when he said 'Coming, Sir.' Although I know that I shall never
lose the ache to hear his voice and see him in the flesh again, yet I
could be at peace were it not for one thing. It is my soul that's
wrong. It has been ever since that time I stood beside the fire
doubting the love of God, and, oh, for months before. Doubt is
'perilous stuff'--'it weighs upon the heart.'
I am not sleeping very well, and as I lie awake at night I think
sometimes of all the others who are grieving, too, and because I share
the same sorrowful 'experience'--because there is inscribed upon my
heart, as upon theirs, a list of names: I find myself 'linked up'
again--bound indissolubly to each of them by a great sorrow, common to
us all.
We have been in Devonshire a month now, and still we do not talk of
going back to Surrey. It is lovely to be staying with Aunt Constance,
and I am trying to be brave and cheerful, and to go out in the village
as I used to do. The Gidger loves the dear old cottage folk, and they
love her, and it is perfect having father.
The Hickley Woods are just as beautiful, only my heart breaks when I
walk about in them.
It has turned hot, even I am warm enough and don't need fires at night.
This evening there was a most gorgeous sunset, the sky was all ablaze
with emerald and blue and gold. The distant hills had a bloom on them
such as there is sometimes on bunches of purple grapes.
I saw father alone in the garden after dinner, and I felt I wanted to
tell him what I hoped about the little son, so I went and stood beside
him, and slipped my arm through his, and we wandered out into the woods
as we have done many times before.
After I had told him, father said, with a very tender look upon his
face,--
'And so The Shepherd Beautiful is giving you another of His lambs to
mind.'
I thought it was such a perfect name for Him, it appealed to me more at
that moment than any of the other lovely ones that daddy calls Him by.
After a little while father said,--
'Shall I tell you something, darling, that I have never told any one
before?'
'Please, father.'
'It was many years ago, quite soon after I was married. Your mother and
I were walking over the downs. They were all "trimmed" with sheep. She
was so amused at the lambs, because she thought they were dreadfully
impertinent to their mothers sometimes, and then she said with a sweet
look in her eyes,--
'"Anthony, The Shepherd Beautiful is going to give us one of His lambs
to mind."
'Instead of being pleased I got in a sudden panic about it, as husbands
do sometimes, and your mother laughed at me and shook my arm, and looked
round at all the sunny grasslands filled with sheep and said,--
'"Oh, Anthony, don't grieve for me, because it's only like walking in a
sunny meadow dappled with shade. When I come to the shadow at the end,
I know that if I just walk round the corner, I shall find the Shepherd
Beautiful doling out lambs. Oh, Anthony" (and she shook my arm again)
"wouldn't it be amusing if the morning I got there He was a bit
absent-minded or got muddled with His counting, and doled me out two
instead of one to mind. Oh, I would run away so fast with them lest He
should ask for one of them back.'"