(_BY MR. PUNCH'S SPECIAL COMMISSIONER._)
DEAR SIR,--I am glad you consented eventually to the terms I
proposed. After all, £100 a-week (_and expenses_) is a mere trifle
for the arduous work I expect to do for you. According to your
instructions, I arrived three nights ago in the ancient borough of
Bunkham-on-the-Marsh, and at once took steps to pursue those inquiries
which are necessary for a satisfactory estimate of the political
situation. My experience as a lightning change _artiste_ is quite
invaluable. I visit the Liberal Committee-rooms, and attend Liberal
meetings in a complete suit of corduroys and horny hands. Five minutes
afterwards I find myself in a military moustache, a frock coat,
and patent leather boots at the Conservative head-quarters. In the
former disguise I enthusiastically advocate the Newcastle Programme,
and denounce the base minions of Coercion. In the latter I rouse
Conservative partisans to frenzy by my impassioned appeals on behalf
of one Queen, one Flag, one Empire, and a policy of enlightened
Conservative progress. I can highly recommend my two perorations, in
one of which I consign Mr. GLADSTONE to eternal infamy, while in the
other I hold up Lord SALISBURY to the derision of mankind.
I send you herewith extracts from the two newspapers published in
Bunkham. The _Bunkham News_ is the organ of the Liberals; the _Bunkham
Standard_ (with which are incorporated the _Bunkham Messenger_ and the
_Bunkham Guardian and Mangelhire Express_) expresses the views of the
Conservatives in this important district.
_The Bunkham News._
At last! The period of subterfuges and evasions is past. Fraud and
dishonesty have had their day, Coercion has done its worst, and the
time has come when the most scandalous and disgraceful Government
of which history bears record, will have to submit itself for
judgment to the opinions of those who are dishonoured by being its
fellow-countrymen. We can have no doubt whatever as to what the result
of the contest will be in this enlightened constituency. The men of
Bunkham have been at all times noted for their love of freedom and
justice, and for their hatred of those who base themselves upon
oppression and iniquity. The Liberal Candidate, Mr. HENRY PLEDGER,
has now been before the Constituency for more than a year. Wherever
he has gone he has been received with unparalleled demonstrations
of enthusiasm by the immense majority of our fellow-townsmen. His
eloquence, combined with his engaging manners, have won all hearts.
The fight will be short, but severe. Men of Bunkham, will you lag in
the rear? The issue is to those who work from now to the polling day.
If you only make a united effort, triumph is assured.
* * * * *
_The Bunkham Standard._
The date of the Dissolution has been fixed, and by making it
impossible for the Elections to be held on a Saturday, the Government
have given one more proof of their deep and sincere devotion to the
highest interests of the working-classes. There never has been any
Ministry, we make bold to say, whose record will better bear the
fierce light of public investigation. Grievances have been redressed,
moderate reforms, such as the country desired, have been passed into
law, and turbulence and outrage have been repressed. No body of
men ever deserved more fully what they now possess, and are sure to
retain--the confidence and gratitude of their fellow-citizens. Our
Member, Mr. TUFFAN, has borne a not unimportant part in assisting
the Government by his presence in the House of Commons. His manly,
straightforward integrity, and his universal generosity, have
endeared him to all classes in Bunkham. We look forward with absolute
confidence to his return by an immense majority. From the disorganised
ranks of our adversaries there is little to fear. Let us stand
shoulder to shoulder, and leave no stone unturned to win a victory
which is even now within our grasp.
* * * * *
I have had interviews with prominent politicians on both sides,
and have been assured on both sides, that victory is certain. Both
Candidates are constantly occupied in driving all over the borough
in pair-horse carriages, lavishly decorated with the party colours,
orange for the Liberals, blue for the Conservatives. Mrs. PLEDGER is
magnificent in an orange silk dress; Mrs. TUFFAN overwhelms me with
blue ribbons. Master PLEDGER waves an orange banner in every street;
Miss TUFFAN distributes blue cards in all the shops. The Liberal
Committee-rooms are ablaze with pictures of Mr. GLADSTONE; the
Conservative Office flames with Union Jacks, and other Imperial
devices. Eight meetings are to be held in different parts of the
Constituency to-night. Immense efforts are being made to capture the
votes of the Association of Jam Dealers, which has its chief factory
here. Master PLEDGER has just gone by in a Victoria, with a huge pot
of "Bunkham Jam" on the seat in front of him. He had a spoon, and was
apparently enjoying himself. This manoeuvre has much depressed the
Conservatives, who consider it disgraceful. More next week.
Yours always, THE MAN IN THE MOON.
* * * * *
[Illustration: A RACE FOR THE COUNTRY. CLAIMING THE LAND.
(_By Our Americanised Artist_.)]
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.
* * * * *
[Illustration: (Index)]
Advice Gratis, 291, 305
After Dinner--at the Close of the Year, 1
After the Event, 268
"Airy Fairy Lilly 'Un!" 125
"All's (Fairly) Well," 189
"And a good Judge, too," 87
Anglo-American French, 108
Another Rural Conference, 37
Another Shakspeare, 133
Any Man to any Woman, 227
April Showers, 198
Archdeacon Answered (The), 310
"Are you Hansard now?" 133
'Arry Examined, 15
'Arry on Wheels, 217
Ars Longa, 221
Art in the City, 232
Atrabilious Liverpool, 6
Aspirations, 262
At Mrs. Ram's, 42
Attack on the "Capital" (The), 66
Bachelor's Growl (A), 294
Berlin Citizen's Diary (A), 190
Better and Better, 268
"Beyond the Dreams of Avarice," 161
Bird of Prey (A), 230
Blizzard from the North, 278
Boat-Race Day, 169
Bogie Man (The), 138
Bones of Joseph (The), 313
Bos _v_. Boss, 9
Bounds of Science (The), 182
Boxing Imbroglio (The), 39
Brawling at Home and Abroad, 179
Breaking, 186
Brer Fox and Old Man Crow, 281
Bridal Wreath (The), 42
Broken Bonds, 182
Brother Brush, A.R.A., 65
Brown-Jones Incident (The), 197
Burial of the "Broad Gauge" (The), 266
Burning Words, 237
"Butchered to make ----," 147
Butter and Bosh, 138
By a Small Western, 93
By One of the Unemployed, 289
Capital! 25
"Call you this Backing your Friends?" 218
Cardinal Manning, 39
"Cave Kanem!" 315
Change of Name suggested, 42
Charles Haddon Spurgeon, 73
"Charles, his Friends," 83
Chef's New Dish for Travellers (The), 124
Chimes (The), 2
Christmas in Germany, 24
Churlish Cabman (The), 157
City Men, 94
"Clerk me no Clerks," 153
Climatic Nomenclature for the New Year, 6
Cockney Classics, 179
"Combining Amusement with Instruction," 100
"Come hither, Hubert!" 69
Coming of Ninety-Two, 6
Complicated Case, 89
Confessions of a Duffer, 35, 45, 49, 76, 97, 125, 141, 169, 202,
229, 256, 285
Connected with the Press, 189
Considerate, 265
Couplet by a Cynic, 222
Courier of the Hague (The), 289
Court Cards, 233
Covent Garden Masque (The), 37
Cries without Wool, 48, 129
Criterion of Morals (A), 225
Crossed-Examination, 24
Cross-Examiner's Vade Mecum (The), 27
Cupid's Tennis-Courts, 81
Cursory Observation (A), 213
"Cuts!" 303
Dangerous Title (A), 72
Dawn of a New Era (The), 48
Day at Antwerp (A), 277
"Deadly Cigarette" (The), 252
Death in the Pop, 124
Dentist's Waiting-Room (A), 261
"De Profundis," 209
Destroying the Spider's Web, 159
Dialogue of the Future (A), 37
Dissolution--(as the Enemy of the London Season), 290
Dogs and Cats, 94
Doing the Old Masters, 121
Dreams, 131
Drinks and Dramas, 189
Duke of Devonshire (The), 1
Dynamite Dragon (The), 186
Dynamitical Arguments, 21
Earl's Court Idyl (An), 304
Early Spring, 229
Effectively Settling it, 172
Election Notes, 321
Empty Triumph (An), 172
Encounter, 124
Entêtement Britannique, 133
Episcopacy in Danger, 268
Essence of Parliament, 84, 90, 102, 114, 131, 143, 155, 166, 179,
190, 227, 238, 244, 264, 274, 286, 300, 310, 317
Fair Philosopher (A), 41
Fair Traders, 261
Fancy Ball (The), 106
Fête of Flora (The), 313
Fettered, 195
Fogged! 21
Force of Example (The), 135
Foreign and Home News, 73
"Foresters" (The), 161
Free and Easy Theatres, 36
"Frogs" at Oxford (The), 145
From a Lahore Paper, 298
From Parliamentary Exam. Paper, 99
From Robert, 174
From the Shades, 262
From the Theatres, &c., Commission, 198
Fudge Formula (A), 118
General's Little Fund (The), 242
Gifted Being (A), 310
Gifts for the New Year, 9
Girls of the Period, 305
Gladstonian Mem (A), 47
Good Grace-ious! 85
Good News indeed! 36
Great Loss to Everybody (A), 135
Greek meets Greek, 9
"Hair-Cutting, Singeing, and Shampooing," 136
Hamlet in half an hour, 281
Hamlet in the Haymarket (The), 185
Hamlet; or, Keeping it Dark, 225
"Hard to Beer!" 25
Haunted House (The), 250
"Heavens!" 69
High (Beerbohm) Treason! 65
History as she is Played! 273
Hero of the Summer Sale (The), 60
Honour of the Bar (The), 48
Horace in London, 93, 120, 137, 149, 269, 312
Horse-Educator (The), 316
Hospitality à la Mode, 145
How they bring the Good News, 214
How to Report the Practice of the Crews, 159
How to Save London, 113
Humpty-Dumpty up again! 17
Hyde Park Corner, 261
Imperial Jack-in-the-Box (The), 51
In Defence of the Great Paradoxist, 262
India for the Irish! 99
In Fancy Dress, 196
Influenza Song (An), 93
Inharmonious Colours, 306
"Innings declared Closed," 282
In Statu,--quo? 70
In the Seat of Wisdom, 94
In this style, Six-and-Eightpence, 81
"It will Wash!" 288
Jim's Jottings, 14, 85
Jokim's Latest Little Joke, 204
Judges in Council (The), 59
Justice for Justice, 108
Kensington Gardens, 297
Killing no Murder, 266
King and the Clown (The), 172
"Know all men by these Presents," 213
Lady Gay's Selections, 261, 273, 286, 300, 302, 313
"La Grippe," 61
La Justice pour Rire, 218
Last of the Guards (The), 75
Latterday Valentine (A), 89
Laying a Ghost, 201
Lay of the Analytic Novelist (The), 17
Lay of the Literary Autolycus (The), 213
Lay of the Litigant (The), 60
Lay Sermon (A), 246
Lays of Modern Home, 9
Legend of the Mutton Bone (The), 192
Letters to Abstractions, 5, 72, 112, 184
Liquor Question (A), 193
Limb and the Law (The), 262
"Little Holiday" (A), 126
Local Colour, 94
Lockwood the Lecturer, 145
Lord Bramwell, 258
Lord Wildermere's Mother-in-Law, 123
Lost Luggage, 265
"Marie, come up!" 57
"Married and Single," 273
Marvels of Modern Science (The), 157
Matinée Mania, 165
Matrimony Up to Date, 39
"Meeting of the Waters" (The), 118
Mems. of Theatres, &c., Commission, 244
Menu from Birmingham (A), 70
Menu from Hatfield (A), 54
Mixed, 245
Moan of the Music-Hall Muse (The), 278
Modern Alexander's Feast (The), 111
Modesty of Genius (The), 133
More Bones to Pick with the School-Board, 81
More than Satisfied, 241
Morning of the Derby (The), 273
Mr. Bayly's Coast-Spectre, 47
Mr. Goschen's Budget, 193
Mr. Punch's Agricultural Novel, 226
Mr. Punch's Boat-Race Novel, 177
Mr. Punch's Hebridean Salmon-Fly Book, 205
Mr. Punch's New-Year Honours, Gifts, Good Wishes, and Greetings, 23
Mr. Punch's Royal Academy Guide, 220
Mr. Punch's Up-to-Date Poetry for Children, 145, 213
Mr. Punch to the Illustrated London News, 242
Mr. Punch to the Life-boat Men, 74
Mrs. Ram on Current Politics, 69
"Murder in Jest," 237
"Music in Our Street" (The), 57
"Must it come to this?" 129
"My dear Eyes! What! See-usan!" 153
My Soap, 193
"Names and their Meaning," 171
Neo-Dramatic Nursery Rhyme, 193
"Ne Plus Ulster," 305
Newest Narcissus (The), 194
New Gallery (The), 227
New Learning (The), 249
New Monitor (The), 18
News about Bismarck, 317
New Songstress (A), 315
Night Lights, 57
"Not at Home!" 234
Ode to a Giraffe, 173
Odont.! 298
"Off his Feed," 123
Old Friend at the Criterion (An), 101
Old Song Revived (An), 294
On a New Yearling, 13
"One Touch of Nature," 262
Only Fancy! 12, 23, 29, 39
On my Lady's Poodle, 261
On Religious Cymbalism, 106
"On the Blazoned Scroll of Fame," 141
On the First Green Chair, 189
On the (Post) Cards, 209
On the Row among the Romancers, 240
"On the Sly," 83
On the Traill, 60
Opera-Goer's Diary (The), 257, 280
Operatic Notes, 269, 293, 305, 313
"Orme! Sweet Orme!" 242
_Other_ "Westminster Stable" (The), 246
Our Booking-Office, 4, 21, 36, 41, 60, 94, 108, 109, 133, 149,
185, 197, 250, 257, 268
Our Cookery-Bookery, 249
Our Cricketers, 179
Our Humorous Composer, 25
Our Sal Volatile; or, A Wriggler Sarpint of Old Nile, 278
"Out in the Cold!" 63
Paddywhack and Dr. Birch, 105
Palmy Day at St. Raphael (A), 65
Paragon Frame (of Mind) (A), 69
Parliament à la Mode de Paris, 51
Parliament in Sport, 63
Personal Paragraphs, 181
Philosophic Stupidity, 118
Playful Sally (The), 304
Playing Old Harry at the Lyceum, 33
Plea for the Defence (A), 137
"Pleased as Punch," 65
"Pleasing the Pigs!" 73
Poet and the Songs (The), 173
Point of View (The), 206
Polite Literature, 59
Political Johnny Gilpin (The), 318
Political Lady-Cricketers (The), 254
Politics, 315
Ponsch, Prince of Ollendorff, 148
Popular Songs Re-sung, 13, 109, 143, 237
Poser for Mr. Weatherby (A), 126
Preserved Venice, 52
Preux Chevalier, 36
Private and the Public (The), 120
Private Reflections of the Public Orator at Cambridge, 297
"Probable Starters," 282
Prudes and Nudes, 174
Puzzler for a Costumier, 69
Queer Queries, 118
Query by a Depressed Convalescent, 89
Query by "Pen" (A), 94
Question of Politeness, 171
Quite Appropriate, 240
Quite Clear, 9
Quite in Keeping, 273
Rather Large Order (A), 184
Receipt against Influenza, 61
Reckoning without their Host, 223
Recollections of (Cockney) "Arabian" Days and Nights, 234
Reddie-turus Salutat, 218
"Regrets and Greaves," 246
Rembrandt, Titian, Velasquez, &c., 180
Reported Disappearance of the Broad Gauge, 258
Repulsing the Amazons, 216
"Resignation of an Alderman," 280
Respectability, 37
"Returned Empty" (The), 26
Rice and Prunes, 101
Rich _v._ Poor, 133
Riddle (A), 69, 227
"Ring and the Book" (The), 120
Robert in a Fog! 24
Robert on the Hartistic Copperashun, 206
Robert's Cure for the Hinfluenzy, 96
Royal Academy Banquet, 222
Saints or Sinners? 205
Sanitary Congress at Venice (The), 39
Scale with the False Weights (The), 124
Screwed up at Magdalen, 118
Seasonable (and Suitable) Good Wishes, 9
Seasonable Weather, 228
Settler for Mr. Woods (A), 121
Seven Ages of Woman (The), 230
Shady Valet (A), 195
"Signs" of the Times, 171
Simple Stories, 4
Singular Plurality, 262
Sly Old Socrates, 309
(Soldiers') Life we Live (The), 214
Something New in Soap, 65
Song for Lord Rosebery, 42
Sonnet on the South-Eastern, 218
Spring's Delights in London, 193
Spring Time in Leap Year, 150
St. John's Wood, 262
Strange but True, 87
Strange Charge against a Great Poet, 132
Studies in the New Poetry, 268, 292
Sunday Observance, 173
Syllogisms of the Stump, 297
Take Care! 83
Taking a Sight at Ringandknock, 201
Talk over the Tub (A), 54
"Ta-ra-ra" Boom (The), 149
Telephone Cinderella (The), 162
Telephonic Theatre-goers, 208
Tennysonian Fragment (A), 89
"Textuel," 282
Theatres and Music Halls Commission, 173
Theft _v._ Thrift, 23
"There's the Rub!" 30
"This Indenture witnesseth," 73
Times Change, 99
Tip from Our Own Booking-Office, 318
Tip-top Tipster (A), 280
"'Tis Merry in Hall," 157
To a Railway Foot-Warmer, 133
To be or Not to be--discovered, 278
To Justice, 9
To Lord Salisbury, 258
To my Cigarette, 53
To my Cook, 201
Too Conscientious, 240
Too Much of a Good Thing, 48
Tooting, 161
To Police-Constables Smeeth and Tappin, 81
To Queen Coal, 138
To the Future A.R.A., 72
To the Grand Old Tory, 237
To the New "Queen of the May," 210
To the Queen, 61
To the Young City Men, 147
Town Thoughts from the Country, 193
Tramways, 245
Travelling Companions (The), 11, 16, 23, 40, 64, 83
Trial in Novel Form (A), 12
True and Trusty, 70
True Modesty, 211
Truly and Reely, 84
Two Archers (The), 227
Two Dromios, 171
Two Shepherds (The), 87
Una and the British Lion, 314
Unasked, 30
Unobserved of One "Observer" (The), 106
Upon Julia's Coat, 189
Useful Cricketer (The), 297
Vans de Luxe, 252
Venice at Olympia, 36
Venice in London, 41
Venice Reserved, 253
"Versailles" in Leicester Square, 301
Very "Dark Horse" (A), 270
Very "French before Breakfast," 262
Very Natural Error, 288
Very Orchid! 168
Vigorous Vicar (The), 288
"Vive la Liberté!" 106
Volunteer Review at Dover (The), 172
Waiting Game (A), 174
Walt Whitman, 179
Want (A), 193
Water-Colour Room at the Academy (The), 227
Way they have in the Army (The), 292
Weather Reform, 96
Wellington Monument (The), 213
What do they Mean by it? 129
"When Greek meets Greek," 306
Whipped in Vain, 73
Wilde "Tage" to a Tame Play (A), 113
Wilful Wilhelm, 146
William the Whaler, 170
With the Easter Eggs, 185
World on the Wheels (The), 222
Wrestling with Whistlers, 181
Wright and Wrong, 85
Ye Moderates of London, 145
Young Girl's Companion (The), 204, 216, 225, 252